want another thing i wanted to suggest.

is that the intermediary (whoever that ends up being) needs to make sure that if oc cries and doesn't want to go for visits that om canNOT take that personal. it is just a small childs insecurity with someone new.

this was the case with both sides of visitation that i have been on.

with my oldest boy he would cry and not want to leave mom. i never got angry with him. instead i made it a point to do something immediately after picking him up that would take those apprehensions away. mc donalds, park, playground, visit nearby cousin, etc

with our oc. om would get angry at her if she cried and it took her much longer to get used to those transfers

again i am hoping that with your child being so young this will help with these transitions

How in the world do you control OM?

Given an average OM's likely maturity level, this seems like a lot to ask.

I don't believe it's possible to have that level of influence on the other parent of your child if you're not married to them, and I believe that it can be damaging to even try. In regular divorce situations I've seen many a divorced wife or husband try to force their former spouse to be a good parent, never to good effect.

Impossible.
Asking that the IM attempt to control/manage OM's emotional reaction ???
What?

i didn't say they could control om.

but they can certainly try explaining that a crying oc is not and should not be taken personally by them

I really do understand your good intentions.
I wonder if you really do understand that if a baby-daddy sees his child crying and NOT wanting to go with him, it probably triggers a whole boat load of emotions. Guilt might be among the emotions. Sadness. Resentment. Regret. Whatever he feels, his feelings are legitimate. The OC's feelings are legitimate, and so are OM's feelings.

And you did say: "om canNOT take that personal" .... To me, this says you want to manage OM's emotional response to the fact that he is not living with his bio child who cries when she sees him.

The idea of "explaining" his own child to OM is not likely to be received as intending to help HIM, but to manage him. It says: "We know & understand your child's emotional status, and you do not." (Edit to add ..... this is probably TRUE ! Which the OM may very well "take personal".)

I am sure you mean well.

yes pep i do understand what emotions a crying baby might cause. i lived it 35 years ago

and there is no telling what this om may feel. since he did persue this i doubt guilt is one of them

what i do know is that when our little one finally told us that om was yelling at her for crying i had that same discussion with him on his next pick-up.

no he didn't like it. went to the "she's my daughter".

but he did change and stop yelling at her on pickups.

it also made the oc feel much more secure knowing that someone would stand up for her

2 reasons for my point were 1-it will be quite some time before oc can relate back to mom and dad anything that is bothering her and 2-since om has never spent any time at all with oc, are

that maybe a little "preventive maintanence" (so to speak) from the outset could go a long way as long as it is presented in the right manor.

meaning as a simple informative statement. not a demand of him


and your 11th comandment is a classic

I think seeing the trauma this child feels will elicit guilt. [and should] He has not been exposed to that yet. Nor do I think he should be made to feel better about what he has done here. Seeing the reality might wake him up a bit. But telling him not to take it personally is to encourage him to ignore the consequences of his legal action, which is not a good idea. He very much should take it personally, because it is personal.

want,

all i am trying to do is forewarn you of some possible impending hard times ahead. that's why it would be best if your fil will be the intermediary. it would remove your h from those types

i have lived thru this 35 year ago as an every other weekend father (mid weeks were not heard of or considered at that time)trying to see his son and again 8 year ago as a bh handling the intermediary role with our little girl

i can tell you stories for a month from my own personal experiences of being on both sides of the fence of situations that may arise

can you control om? no. sorry if anyone thought that was implied

all i am saying is that your intermediary can "try" and explain and hopefully get om to feel a tiny bit of empathy

that's also why it would be best if your fil will be the intermediary. it would remove your h from those types of conversations

Thanks for all of the advice. I read this aloud to BH and we're going to try to keep as limited interaction with OM as possible. I won't be involved at all, but BH said he wants to watch OM interact with OC and see how it goes. We're still weeks away from establishing any kind of visitation, so maybe we'll get on-board with FIL before it starts and won't need to worry about it. We still have time to figure it out. I just hope we can get exposure done as soon as possible so that we know what options are open afterwards.

Did I mention how NERVOUS I am about exposure to everyone? :{

"""Did I mention how NERVOUS I am about exposure to everyone?"""

Understandable

My take is with your H standing beside you assuring them that the 2 of you are going to work thru this you will be pleasantly surprised by the support and compassion you will recieve from the family

Fullhouse felt exactly like you do. She wanted to stay as far away from my family as possible.

When the family heard that we were working toward rebuilding the marriage and saw how I was with oc they were supportive from the start.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers

Thanks, Pops!