With all the stuff with H's sister, it triggered me alot. The situation left me feeling very insecure. H and I talked about it, we talked about us, we even had a LB session .

I spent some of that time telling him I was very unhappy (triggers?) and that again I still felt like my needs were not being met. I told him that yes, I could see the things he was doing to try to make things right, but I still felt empty and unfulfilled.

We talked more, and that is when HE pointed out that I had my number one need wrong.

I thought that I need conversation to feel close to him again. But he is absolutely right, my biggest need is SAFETY and SECURITY. The very thing the A attacked.

Everything in my life has been based on Safety and Security since I was assaulted at the age of 12. The job I chose, was because the likely-hood of losing it was so slim. I commuted back and forth to school when I was in collage, just so I would minimize any situation where I could be harmed. I check the doors at night, I hate staying by myself.

It is just a full life pattern.


How can he fulfill a need based on Safety and Security, when there is so little trust?

Please any ideas on how to fulfill this need?

For the first time last week I told him that I felt sorry for him.

How angry he must have felt those first couple of weeks. The OW who "claimed" to love him ran away at the first hardship, IE when I found out. That she could not even be bothered to fight for him, whereas I have never stopped fighting for him.

He said that is had hurt him, because it proved how little she really cared for him.

I had said at one point in the first few weeks, that it appeared to me that she was just looking for a better life. He told me that now looking back he completely agreed.

I also asked him if it hurt that I could tell what was bothering him deep down inside, and all she did was tell him I was the cause of all his problems? He said that he had not thought about it in that way, but he was glad that I was the one to know him.

He keeps telling me that he is choosing me because I am REAL. I am not a fantasy, someone using him. That I love him for him, and not what I could get from him.

Things like the conversations above actually help me feel somewhat closer. I think it is because I see him opening up and showing me that vulnerable part.

Well nevermind everything above. I was trying out a new CC processor using his IPOD touch and found out he has been looking at porn again.

That was part of our agreement that he never look at porn again.

I am screaming inside, because everything is over.

oh, no...I am so sorry to hear this update, especially after things seeming to get better! Have you confronted your H yet with what you've found?

((((Eluna))))

I confronted. He is leaving for the night (i think) and I called my parents. I told them I wanted to bring the baby and come home.

I don't want our house. I do not want the finical sinkhole it is. I just want to get out and get away from this. I want the pain to be over.

My parents have a house that is almost finished that my uncle left when he passed away. I will work with them in getting that house finished for me and the baby.

Apparently WH (yes he is acting like a WH again) thinks that it is ok to break our no porn rule so long as he was thinking about me.


WTF????

I mean that is like saying it is ok for me to give oral to another guy as long as I am thinking of WH.....

I am so angry.

I do not know where to go here. He was diagnosed as being a possible sex addict. Keyword possible. Doctor could not be sure, even though he was demonstrating signs of addiction.

I can not go down this road again, this time it will kill me.

He wrote me some lovesick drivel tonight to tell me he is sorry, but I can not believe anything from him. Everything rings false to me. I have seen no evidence of other activity.

Where do I go from here? What do I do now? Should I move back to SAA board? Should I just move to Plan B/D at this point, and get on with my life?

Eula,

I am so, so sorry.


What do you want with your life?

AM

I am so torn right now.

I want this all to stop, without question. But everytime I look at my son, I hear a whisper in my heart telling me to have faith. I feel like if I walk away, it would destroy my son.

But if I stay, and it continues, it will kill me.

Eula,

I understand what you are saying. My H and I went through a false recovery. In Oct 2009, the keylogger revealed that H looked at porn a couple of times. Like your H, he had agreed not to view porn. Then a couple of weeks later, H contacted OW and they emailed and talked on the phone for about 10 days. H lied about this for the next three months. Here is what I learned in the false recovery: 1) that I could not MAKE H do anything. He had to want the marriage and I could not push/pull him into it. 2) that if our marriage ended, I would be ok - even better than ok.

Learning these things empowered me. I sent my H a plan Bish letter stating my expectations for our marriage. I then told him that if he did not want to meet these expectations, I never wanted to see or speak to him again. And I was ok with this.

Take a look at the false recovery thread. Essentially, your H is not being open and honest with you and is not transparent. That is step two of marriage recovery.

Hugs.

AM

I agree he is not being open or honest with me. He is "trying" to be transparent, telling me where he is, calling me from his work phone so I can verify where he is, using the gps tracker so I know where he is going. He just will not be open and honest.

He still has the wayward's misguided thought that he is "protecting" me from his behavior.

When we first got together, we could talk about any and everything. I do not know when or why that changed. I do know it was not something that happened overnight.

Today I picked up the mantra : actions not words.

As far as my parents, I called to verify that he had setup to go over there. I was told, and relayed the msg, that him going over there would not be the best idea at this time. My parents, like I, have no use for his apology until he actually starts fixing the problem. Until then it is all lip service.

I have been way too soft, part of me afraid of pushing him away again. But I do not need WH. I have other resources to take care of me and DS. I have places to stay, shoulders to cry on, and ears to listen. I think now it is time for tough love. Either he mans up and fixes it, or we go our separate ways.

Just went through the porn thing with my H. It seems to me like your head is in the right place, keep your boundaries on this strong. He needs to put stronger EP's in place for the porn. Any device he can use to access the internet needs to be able to be monitored by you. If you cant put Spyware or a keylogger on it that will let you see exactly what he is doing then he needs to get rid of the device. You wont feel safe with him otherwise.

Dont accept less from him than you deserve, and you deserve more than an empty apology. Remember that true repentance comes with actions. The only acceptable line is "I'm sorry, and this is what I am willing to do for you to make sure that nothing like this can happen again..." followed by a list of EP's to prevent future incidents.

for you and your DS, and I am hoping that your H can get his head straight on this.

Dear ElunainNC:

I don't have time to post right now, but you and your husband may want to read our threads - I post as BrokenVase and he posts as Cantgetitright.

The title of his thread is How Can I Fully Meet the Need of Openness and Honesty?

Lots of lying in our story.

BV

I told WH this morning that he has to choose between that other life or DS & me. The DS and I do not deserve to be caught up in his problems like this. That DS deserves to grow up in a happy/stable home, not with this kind of crap going on in the background.

I told WH if he can not figure out what he wants, or can not let go of his secret life 100% then he needs to step aside and allow DS & I to go on with our lives.

I have been very patient with WH over the years, trying to get him to open up to me, figuring it was residual trauma from the GF that cheated on him. After her he was never truly open again.
But at this point he will either have to take a leap of faith and be open with me, or lose DS & I forever.

My love for him has taken some major blows. And I do not love him with the same intensity I use to. I have no doubt that while it may hurt for me to walk away, once I make that decision it will be final. There is not enough love left in me for him to pull me back once I walk.

I would also tell him that if he needs help doing this that you will support him through that as a friend and when and if he is healed and the two of you still want to give it a try you can then.......
You can't go on resenting him the love you still have for him will not survive that.....
fix the problem first............

Jess,

I can not support him because he will not let me.

I told him that he had lost a great opportunity to repair some of the damage to our relationship. That had he told me he was being drawn back to porn, it would have been a great way to open up and trust me rather than keep more secrets. It would have allowed a place for us to grow in a common goal. But he chose to keep it secret. He chose to lie. I can not fight a choice like that.

I would have been hurt if he had come out and told me the truth, but I would not be angry or resentful about it. I am angry and resentful because he chose to keep it secret. I found it on my own, the same way I have found out about most everything else in that second life.

There is no reason for me to let go of my resentment at this point. He has done nothing to ease it, and chosen to continue to add to it. And the truth is that the resentment is what will allow me to walk away if he does not show real repentance, humility, and honesty. Without those we have no hope anyway.

He can choose to accept support from me, by choosing repentance, humility and honesty. But he has to choose it.

He did attempt to open up a little yesterday.

He said he is going to go to counseling to learn to communicate with me. He has an appointment tomorrow.

WH asked what I thought about this. I told him that I was not comfortable with it. This is the same therapist that suggested hiding the A in an effort to maintain our M the very day I found out.

I told him that he already knew how to communicate with me, he just needed to stop listening to his fear. That since I started MB, I will admit to thoughts and feelings I am not particularly proud of. But I do this, because otherwise I am not allowing him to see me.

I told him the easiest path to radical honesty is this:

Take a deep breath, breath in, breath out.
Then just blurt it out. No thinking, no time for fear, just get the words out before your brain has a chance to engage. That over time, it becomes easier.

I think he really feels like the therapist will help. For now I am opting to not attend, since I have no trust in this therapist any longer.

Either he will do it or he won't. I can not make him. I can only choose my own path.

So in order to fix the pain and anger over his IB and Dishonesty he is going to a therapist that you are not enthusiastic about him going to that encourages more dishonesty?

You already know this person is not a friend to your M, and what your H is doing now is only more hurtful. My guess is that he likes this therapist because they are letting him off the hook. It's all about his childhood and possible sex addiction so it's not his fault he does these things.

Maybe you could try emailing the radio show and getting Dr Harley's advice about what to do next. If you havent done that yet both Dr Harley and Joyce are very nice and really try to give you great personalized advice...plus it's free

I'm off now to try and talk some sense into your H, maybe I can get him to reconsider and call the coaching center if he feels like he needs a professional.

He canceled the appt this morning.

I stated that I was not very comfortable with this, that I wanted a therapist that INSISTED on complete honesty in the M. But that ultimately the choice was his. That this therapist had suggested deception in the past to "spare" my feelings. But as I have told him time and again, for me a lie is a double betrayal and much harder to forgive than just an action.

In plain English: You did something you know would hurt me. Now you are hurting me again by lying to cover it up rather than manning up and admitting the fault. There are 2 betrayals there, the action and the lie. And neither one will spare my feelings forever, because the truth ALWAYS comes out sometimes.

I will NOT make these decisions for him. He has to decide what is more important to him; getting off the hook so he can have his secret fantasy life, or dealing with the harsh light of reality so he can keep him family.

After I stated the reasons for my discomfort with the situation, he called first thing this morning and canceled the session. He is suggesting church counseling,which we had kinda begun, just have not been able to work times out with the pastor for another session. And HE is trying to find a IC/MC whose practice is based on complete honesty in the M.

I have faith and trust in your current decision making.
You are definitely calling him on his "sheet".
Good job!





I only wish more BS's understood this as well as you do.

Well he is trying.

I just got a call from my supervisor to come to the front office. I was expecting her to ask me about the work habits of another co-worker.

Instead I found that my husband had sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers today. Apparently he ordered them this morning.

It has made me feel a little cherished.

The flowers are something that he never did prior to the A, no matter how much I told him I would like them. So that at least has changed for the better.