So finally it seems she has stopped contacting him and we are trying to restore our marriage. It's been about 3 weeks since she last contacted him.

Blaze28,

We had a OW that wouldn't stop either, she contacted my husband from time to time for months.........the last one was last Sept.........I hope it is finally over, the last time I called her and told her to stop calling my husband that is was time for her selfishness to stop and that she should do the right thing.........
then I told her to F-off........felt great.......
expect it from time to time, remember your husband has no control over what she choses to do................
baby steps..........good luck
jessi

Its my wife that won't stop contacting OM....him contacting her is a non-issue.

She has gone back to work and I found out the first day back that she tried to call him. I found her work phone in the car and found his number in the history. Today is her second day that she will go to work tonight.

She says he did not answer and she only tried to contact him that one call. She says she won't contact him anymore, which I have heard more times than I care to recall.

As much as she has failed to not contact him....every single time she has had an opportunity she has attempted to...I still believe that she won't and we are moving forward with recovery.

Our biggest issue is my need for intimacy and her inability to give that to me at this time. I have ranked it as my #1 most important emotional need and am very unhappy because we have no marital intimacy. Since she is unwilling and we are following the policy of joint agreement I simply have to suffer with not having that need met. It is really hard for me and I don't know how to get past it as it threatens to put me in to withdrawal mode and we had a big fight about it on my birthday. Does anyone have any advice of how to deal with this?....it seems to me I just have to be patient until she is ready.

I get in to love busters because of the subject. I don't understand why she won't be intimate. She had no problem being intimate with OM, and our marriage was not a disaster and we were being intimate before this all happened. The affair was more about her allowing him to meet needs she should have left for me to meet and it was an escape from the responsibilities of being married with 6 kids in a 2 bedroom condo. I can't compete with that, I can't be an escape. She was frustrated that I was putting the kids in sports and how that strained our schecules. We have no sports now and are opening escrow on a bigger house that fits our family and I am listening better. Even before she would tell me that I win the husband comparisons during girl talk sessions, I had learned a lot from the last affair although I was not perfect our marriage seemed in much better shape than nearly all of our acquaintances. This affair was worse on the scale and I am still in shock and disbelief over the whole thing. I question if she has really loved me the 10 plus years or if she was with me for different reasons. I want her to have the passion for me that she has for the OM but I don't know if she has ever felt that way for me or ever will. She has chosen to stay only for the sake of the kids. The whole situation makes me feel like dirt. I need my needs to be met so I can feel better but she can't or won't. If she doesn't soon I don't know how long I can keep fighting before going in to the state of withdrawal.

If she is in contact, then she is still IN THE AFFAIR. That is why the lack of intimacy, plain and simple.

And it sounds like she's in contact. So there's your sign! (my new thing here borrowed from B.E.!)

Your biggest issue is her AFFAIR. You are putting the cart before the horse. You cannot go onto Step TWO until STEP ONE is achieved. Your wife plans on having it both ways and keeping you both on the line. Do you realize this? She is not done with her affair at all.

Until she ends her affair, there is no reason to attempt addressing recovery. She needs to move out until her affair is over, blaze. I would tell her she needs to pack up and move out tonight. She is not serious in the least and is extremely destructive.

You are in a false recovery becuase you let her come after Plan B too soon. She was not at all interested in ending her affair. It is real important to make sure she is committed to meeting your conditions before you let her come back. Now she is under the impression that you have no standards. You have lowered the bar so low that she is just living down to your expectations.

I will have to consult with Steve.

Over the past month I only found the one unanswered call as far as attempted contact.

I have felt the affair was the main reason for the lack of intimacy for awhile. It's hard to know if she has contacted him while she is at work but as far as I can tell she has not.

Going back to Plan B seems like such a drastic measure for the progress we have made.

Progress Blaze? She agreed to recovery and POJA and she is unwilling to meet your needs??? So under POJA you agreed to give up your needs?
Opening Escrow? A major life decision? Cancel that escrow.
I agree with the others but if your under consultation with Steve he will better advise. Sounds to me as its a FR.
Also understand that she has to connect emotionally to you to give you access to her body. I know its hard but thats the way women are wired. But what also must be understood by HER is that you need access to her body to connect to her emotionally. Its a 2 way street. Thats is how we are wired. POJA should have a middle ground here blaze.
If she continues the contact and you can hold on emotionally and physically then Plan A may be the better fit. If you cant endure it emotionally or physically and start seeing signs like more weight loss etc. Then plan B is definitely in order.

Ditto. something smells around that escrow situation.

I smell a wayward somewhere at work!

The affair sadly may have gone further underground. Resume snooping and carry it deeper. I think it's still going on.

If's she's calling, SHE IS STILL WAYWARD.

One call leads to one thing and then "another".

It's hard to tell...if the affair is still going on it is only in the form of contact via messages or phone calls. I don't think there is anyway that my snooping can catch it however. She has been caught too many times that I think she knows all the ways that I would catch her and could avoid them.

The only way I could catch her is if I happen to bug her while she is talking to him. I guess I should keep seeing if I can, it just gets tedious and I am not sure if its healthy.

I am comforted by the fact that I am virtually certain that there is no way she can see him with out me knowing about it.

By the way, what does FR stand for?

False Recovery

I have been snooping and I don't think this is a false recovery. Steve didn't seem worried about that or voice any concerns.

She has quit all contact as far as I can tell but I will continue to snoop.

We used up all our sessions with Steve and can't really afford to continue with him. I have some marriage counseling benefits through work so we are going to have to try to continue recovery with a different counselor.

She has an aversion to counseling based on past experience but did think Steve was an excellent counselor. What she thought was great about him was that he didn't take sides and that he remained neutral. I really hope we can find a good counselor like Steve.

Our biggest conflict is still the lack of her meeting my need for SF. This affair has done so much damage to our relationship.

blaze, my top EN is SF. Be patient I was, but I voiced the need often. Simply put I would tell her that I wasn't happy and wouldn't ever be if she couldn't or wouldn't meet my SF need.If that was the case she needed to be honest so that I could make a decision about my future with her.
I have also heard it put like this and repeated it. A wife must give access to her body to have access to her husbands emotions. A Husband must give access to his emotions to have access to his wife's body. So when A's happen it takes a woman a while to re-connect emotionally. When that happens you will have to beat her off with a stick. Keep on meeting that need for her and it WILL pay off as long as your honest about YOUR need.

I suggest you two budget in other areas so that you can pay for MB coaching.
If you are doing well with it....drive less (gas money), eat cheaper, something to make up the $.

Things have gotten much better.

It appears to me that the affair is completely over and we have been to the new counselor twice. The second time seemed like the guy might actually help.

I am starting to get my needs met and she says things have been getting better.

I think I am struggling again.

I feel like my wife is a taker, that the score is not even. I feel like the giver. She meets my needs only when it's convenient to her and when I think she falls short of what she owes me I have feelings of resentment. I have been avoiding love busters and over riding my takers instincts successfully but my emotional needs are not being met to my satisfaction and it makes me very unhappy. She does not seem to have much interest in making me happy is how I feels. It feels like a rut and I don't seem to know how to get out of it unless she starts scoring more points/depositing more love units.

I just don't know what to do.

Have you watched the videos available free here on MB with her? Are you working through the program together?

I did, after trying for awhile, get her to watch the infidelity video but I haven't been trying the rest.

She has a basic unwillingness to read any relationship books. She has excuses, that she is reading something else, but she recently finished so I'll see if she actually picks up any book.

The only Harley book I still have is surviving an affair.

This is part of my frustration however. She seems unwilling to really focus efforts on the marriage. She has a ton on her plate with 6 kids and a graveyard work schedule so she just doesn't seem to have much left over for me.

We have been seeing a marriage counselor.

Have you read Stretch's posts lately? You may want to hear the advice he received because his wife is in the same situation.

Have you written into the radio program?

mbradio@marriagebuilders.com --- Q: How do I get my wife to dedicate 20+ hours to recovery with six kids and 3rd shift job?

Most likely they will strongly encourage her to change work hours. Her job may be the end of your marriage if you cannot get the 20+ hours in to work on the marriage.

Tough~

Her work schedule is a sore spot.

She does not want to consider changing it and insists it is not a problem. If I bring it up it turns in to a fight very quickly.

I tried searching for Stretchs posts and couldn't find them, could you point me in the right direction.