Wow, my working from home arrangement at work was just revoked.

Wow, my working from home arrangement at work was just revoked.

Why?

Markos, I'm sorry about the change at work; but I am so happy to read how well your marriage is doing!!!

Good job to both of you!

I particularly appreciate the well-administered 2x4s.

Remember yesterday when you said this and it was determined it was because you didn't want to talk about the possibility that it was your fault?

This is a huge problem, Markos...HUGE. You make a mistake and then you don't want to talk about it. How in the world are you going to fix anything if you won't talk about it and find a solution?

My H, the fabulous Mr Pep says to me:

A bad day does not mean a bad marriage.
A bad week does not mean a bad life.

Do what you have learned is healthy marital behavior, and let go of managing her response.

I think I'm going to go reread one of Dr. Harley's articles that mentions translating disrespectful, demanding responses into something positive and try to practice that.

In most marriages, abuse begins when a conflict is introduced. For example, your wife might say that you did not dry the dishes properly. That's a form of abuse, because she is making a disrespectful judgment about your dish drying behavior. For you, the drying was just fine, but for her it wasn't. What you have is a simple difference of opinion on the way dishes should be dried, and your wife should have said that she would prefer your drying them the way she wants them to be dried.

But even though she made an abusive remark, you can end the cycle of abuse before it begins if you don't accelerate negativity (that means, matching her abuse with abuse of your own). What you should do is ignore the abuse on her side, and in your own mind re-translate what she said to be "I would prefer it if you would dry the dishes this way, instead of the way you are drying them."

However, if you are offended by the comment she made, and most people are offended by abuse, then you will be very tempted to come back with, "fine, dry them yourself next time." That is abusive because it's a demand (you are telling her what to do). Or you might be tempted to say, "you don't dry them any better that I do." That's abusive because it's disrespectful (you are judging her dish washing behavior). Or you might be tempted to let her have it with, "What a stupid thing to say -- you sure are full of stupid comments today." That's an angry outburst because what you say is intended to punish her for the comment she made to you. As soon as you respond to your wife's abusive comment with an abusive comment of your own, you have created a cycle of abuse where you are both abusing each other.

Your wife might then respond to your abuse with more abuse. It may be a selfish demand, it may be a disrespectful judgment, or it may be an angry outburst. That will escalate negativity even more. Then you respond with more abuse, she responds again, and on and on. Every argument is abusive, and whenever you argue or fight, think to yourself, "we are being abusive to each other. I must somehow stop this cycle of abuse."

When you argue, it will be easy to see how the other person is being abusive, but it's very difficult to see how you are being abusive

However, if you actually argue with your wife, you are being just as abusive as she. You may not be able to stop your wife's abusive behavior, because only she can do that, but you can stop your abusive behavior, and that will end all of your arguments and fights. It doesn't mean you will stop talking to each other, it simply means you will not respond to her abuse with your own abuse.

Quite frankly, if only one of you avoids abuse -- you, for example -- it will make it much easier for the other to avoid it. Take the dish washing incident. When your wife makes the abusive comment, "you don't dry the dishes right," you should interpret it to mean, "I would like it if you would dry the dishes some other way." You should then say, "I don't like the way you said that, but I will try to dry them in a way you prefer next time. Show me what you want me to do." Or, you could say, "I was offended by your comment, but I will try to do a better job next time." You could even say, "I don't like to be criticized," and leave it at that. My point is that there is nothing wrong with expressing your own feelings as long as they are not accompanied by the Love Busters angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments or selfish demands.