Just my opinion, but what has been suggested sounds like a DJ. "This isn't MB-like. I know this, why don't you?"

Thank him for sharing with you, and move on.

Grace,

Again, just my opinion, but turn this around; how well has Hill genuinely communicated his feelings? And, when he has, what kinds of reactions was he met with?

Would it be more constructive if he used MB materials? Sure. However, what he did was used this article as a way to communicate to you how he feels.

Did he outright call you a bully, or did you assume it because of the title of the article?

How about... you quit doing what you like to accuse him of, "reading into things too much," and take him sending you this article as expressing some emotions that he was unable to put into words.

Obviously, if he was looking for this, the guy is hurting.

No he actually called me a bully and said he could have written it verbatim and this expressed his feelings. Ask him. Personally, I think there is a better way to approach and deliver.

No he actually called me a bully and said he could have written it verbatim and this expressed his feelings. Ask him. Personally, I think there is a better way to approach and deliver.

Write it down on your Disrespectful Judgments worksheet and give him that worksheet once a week.

Great post!

Yes it was and I read this verbatim to him.

Jab-a-thon in my direction last night. Kept cool and also asked what he'd like me to get or do from this article. I found it interesting that he suggested well if someone gave me this article "I would feel pretty awful about myself". So should I have broke down and started crying? I didn't. I just found the whole thing so awkward that he looked it up on the computer and felt compelled to express his feelings this way. I think he was frustrated that I didn't go crazy over it and that I pretty much listened and didn't have much of a response to it.

Anyway, I have to get over it this morning, otherwise UA time is worthless tonight. I already got parents up for watching the kids.

I already started my log as of last week when it was suggested. Looking for the end of week one to go over it. Maybe Sunday.

Excellent!

If the conversation trying to go over it goes south, end it, but continue to exchange these sheets weekly. You may find that it takes awhile before you are able to talk about them as a couple. But don't let that stop you from providing the valuable feedback.

And be sure to put down "Sent me an article suggesting I was a bully" on your disrespectful judgments sheet.

Hold Her Hand,

To answer your question of how he has expressed his feelings in the past. That has been a good half of my thread:

stew faces- in the past I would be disgusted. Currently I tell him they bother me.

holds in his feelings- I have to ask him a question five times and pull his feelings out. Were still working on them.

I have already fully admitted I used to say "your reading into things" and have eliminated most of that because he put it down in his workbook as an LB. And the time I used that the most was when H was weary about a possible A. At that time I had the most AO's because I was horrified and that was my reaction. I have worked on my AO's and have come to eliminate most of those too so he doesn't have to worry about me having AO's when and if he expresses his feelings.

You see rarely does H tell me how he feels unless I ask. For me it's a simple thing to express how I'm feeling to him, so I am a bully and an abuser to him. I understand where he is coming from sometimes, but I would be able to stop LB's if he were honest enough to express them. I can understand, but I'm also not a mind reader. However, I can predict the future when feelings aren't expressed cycle tension fight cycle ....

So had H used an MB reference or article to display his feelings to me other than some lovely article (written by someone being a woman hater, get out fast dude) I would have gladly empathized with him rather than look stunned and let him know I needed more time to respond.

Hard-headed... (him, not you)...


THIS is the important part.


Well, personally, I think this is a big, fat, stinking DJ on your part.

Name calling on his part was STUPID and ABUSIVE. But, let's get something clear; not everybody is going to come out of the gate talking about their feelings expertly.

There is a billion dollar industry built on this fact. Yet, if he had brought you a romantic card and told you it stated "exactly what he felt" there wouldn't be a backlash. Everybody wouldn't be up in arms.

Hill is searching for a way to communicate what he is feeling and then he blew it up by tossing in a name calling. And.. well, we can bash him because the pinata party has begun.

What. Ever.

And then... hmmm... what is the closing line again?


Hmmmm... yup. That's woman bashing, I'm sure.

But, but, but... wait! That sounds familiar!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=9&sublink=543

NOTHING in this program advises continuing to tolerate abusive behavior from either spouse.

If you want your husband to be open and honest with you, THEN YOU NEED TO QUIT BEATING HIM DOWN WHEN HE ATTEMPTS TO DO SO, PERIOD.

I thought about translating that article, but I'm not going to speak for your husband. That's his job. And your job is to listen.

Even if it comes from "woman-bashers" like this;

*note* the red is where it comes off track

Ok. Back on track;

What are Hill's top 3 EN's?

What are you doing to meet them?

What are you worst LB's?

What are you doing to avoid them?

How much UA time have you gotten in the past week?

What are you doing to ensure you get 20+ hours each week?

HHH - sometimes I find you amusing, sometimes I find your posts to have useful and relevant information, and sometimes it's just off the mark. And yes I love to read and soak them in which ever way they are.


I don't need my H to talk about his feelings EXPERTLY. It doesn't take an expert to say:

Honey, It bothers me when ...
I love it when ...
It makes me feel bad when ...

I think this is communication on what you would and would not like from the other spouse. In the words of men on this forum "Man up." When others told me how abusive AO's were and I realized how much of a raging, angry b@#%h I could be - I adjusted and have kept most of them under control.

In your words, you think I "BEAT HIM DOWN WHEN HE ATTEMPTS TO DO SO" Well then, your smoking crack! I pretty much have to beg him to tell me his feelings. I listened when he gave me that crappy article. And yes no one would be up in arms if he wrote it in a romantic card, post it note, etc... Hence my opinion of a different way to present it could have better, which you said was a DJ on my part. You said What. Ever. Whatever back at ya.

I'm listening to you, just not always agreeing on everything you have to say. Since MB, I've taken this quite seriously and tried to create a friendlier environment for H to express his feelings.

Yes back on track

Hill's top three En's:

1. Sexual fufilment - self explanatory sex 2-3 a week. H got it this week as well, but we may be holding off because we both need to POJA for birth control.

2. Affection - Showing him more physical and verbal affection. Touching, kisses, hugs, loving words, etc ...

3. Recreational companionship - play games together, walks together, filled out RC worksheet to go over activities together, not sure if we are going to POJA about working out together but at least we may go to the gym together and maybe just warm up together.


Top three LB's

1. Independent behavior - POJA, quit running for the time being

2. Disrespectful Judgments - still working on, try to avoid fights at all costs, empathize and care more, ask if we can talk about things at a different time if things get heated. I emailed H a list on my plan to avoid DJ's and AO's and I can't find it right now, so these two are off the top of my head

3. Angry Outbursts - just learned to control it, learned it didn't help any situation, take kids into consideration if they could hear and understand our arguments, keep a list of all the DJ's he is doing and show H and discuss at the end of the week.

UA time
16 1/2 hours

Could have been more but there were a couple of fights.

Things to ensure it:

Don't fight
Plan it out
Found a babysitter, have my parents, scheduled every Friday night as date night

Thanks. I think... on the good parts, right?





Grace, if there is one thing to take away from this fiasco, let some of his own words soak in a bit;


I'm not going to tell you my experience on this. Instead I'll ask you; have you ever had one of those feelings in your head, heart, or gut that you just couldn't verbalize? Was it pain, anxiety, anger, fear? You know its a "feeling" but you can't quite name it.

He's trying to figure that out so he can tell you, but he pulled the trigger too dang fast.


Actually, the whatever was to browbeating your husband and his misguided attempt to verbalize how he is feeling (probably more by posters than by you).

That would be something of a DJ if you verbalized it to your H. He has been given some correctional direction.

The simple approach is not to comment or question when he tells you how he feels. Not to immediately react. Just listen. I had to learn to do this, too.


Awesome. It ain't always easy.

I've been on both sides of the fence here, Grace. First, I didn't vocalize... well, pretty much anything to my W after a while. It was an escalation. It began with rarely - it was met with half-hearted, temporary action, then frustration, and ended when she began belittling my cries for help.

On my side, I was bad about kicking out DJ's when she tried to talk to me.

I'm coming to you from a lot of got-it-wrong. I'm dry and abrasive, but if you hate me and love your husband... then all is fine.

I hear things are kind of rough right now ... how are you holding up?