This is so hard. WH has taken the kids out and I miss them terribly. I have just had a big glass of wine and am about to sit down and watch a movie. DD was very upset when it was time to go and kept saying she didn't want to leave me, she didn't know what to do. I told her she wasn't hurting me by going with WH and none of this was her fault. In the end I had to tell her I wanted her to go and see her father so that she would not feel guilty. Kids can really break your heart.

When the kids complain about their Dad, just listen.
Reassure them that it is OK to feel what they feel.
Do NOT say anything like:

"Your Dad loves you."

I made it through the weekend. There were lots of tears from the kids and lots of hugs from me. I still couldn't bring myself to pack up his stuff from the house. I know I have to do it but it is hard to take his clothes out of the wardrobe. It feels like I am admitting defeat. My psychologist warned me that this was going to get harder but I didn't think it was possible. She was right. She also says that he is still living the fantasy and since he hasn't moved in with ow and only sees her occaisionally, when they are both away from home, this affair could go on for a couple of years before he wakes up and realises the mistake he has made. I don't think I can wait that long. My heart aches every time I think about it.

This is early on, I would pack up his stuff put it in the garage and let him know that he has decided to pick the OW over his marriage and family and he will have to live with that decision.......
You can be loving and firm at the same time, he will know that you are willing to work on the marriage but only when he is committed and the OW is gone for life..
Your husband has to feel what it is like without you in it at all, he needs to feel his old life is over because of his decisions.....
PLan a dark plan B, give him time to figure out where he really wants his life to go.
Reality needs to hit that fantasy life hard.......
When he only has 1/2 of his $$ and the OW expects more, he will feel a lot of pressure, the OW won't be able to fill all his needs that you and the family have provided for him, he will resent her for not having those things, let it take it's course.........give it time to fall apart. It won't take 2 years............
In the meantime, move on with your life, spend time with family and friends.......
look good, smell good..........and just live a happy life without him..........
I know it's hard just look at it like steps to solving a problem, each step is and will get you closer to getting your marriage back or becoming a stronger woman and mother...........
don't let his decisions change who you are......
jessi

I thought plan B was supposed to protect the LB. Unfortunately I feel like mine is emptying fast. I have received an offer of financial settlement from WH. Basically it sounds like he is trying to be reasonable but when you read it closely he is only offering to pay what he has to legally and he wants to sell the house to pay off depts. This means he can pay off all the depts he created and then go off and live with OW. Meanwhile me and the kids are left with no money and no house. Needless to say my lawyer is writing back to him. It just makes me mad that he can be so selfish and mean, not only t me but also his children. This is not the man I married.

No albi, he's not that man right now.

He is a WAYWARD and that is like living with a space alien. Ever see MIB? My son, then much younger, loved that movie. After watching it he said, "I get it. Daddy has an ALIEN BODY doesn't he?"

He watched the beginning of the movie where the farmer was cruel and mean to his wife at home, then suddenly when the space ship lands on his property, he goes out to investigate only to get sucked into the spaceship.

The alien then eats him and wears his "Edgar suit"/outside exterior with the alien really inside then goes on a crazy spree killing and shooting up NYC.

So it's kinda like that. Kill the alien with real life and terribly mean lawyers. You force reality to kill his fantasy of the amicable divorce.

He is in lalala land. He thinks you'll acquiesce to his whims because it is a somewhat decent offer. That guy has NO IDEA what is coming does he? (evil laugh). Your lawyer will hopefully rip him a new one in that letter and the alien better be ready for a counter attack courtesy of REALITY.

Was that your email they read on the radio show today, albizia?

It sure was. Thanks for noticing. I got some great advice there from Dr Harley and so I am now going to concentrate on my life. I need to stop going over what I have done right or wrong and move forward from here. I guess it is like the old saying "If you love something, let it go, if it doesn't come back it was never really yours to begin with."

Albi - He was yours. You had a committment and you were one flesh with this man. If he doesn't come back doesn't mean he was never yours. He was yours. You can be proud of that because you were a good wife. You realized you didn't fulfill his EN's, and when that occurred you stayed and wanted that opportunity to meet his EN's. He never let you instead he cowardly left. He walked out and went down Easy Street. Unfortunately in life we cannot control any part of their leaving.

You can stand tall because you gave him every opportunity to come home and have a great marriage and be a good father. Today he still thinks by peeing on the grass over there it will somehow come greener. He doesn't realize if he waters it where he was that is how it becomes greener.

I have read many times the WS does come back. Usually the BS has moved on and hence it will never be again. Just know he was always yours. Don't think anything different.

Tough~

Yes, that was great advice ~ you did the best you could and that's all that you can do {{{{{albizia}}}}}

Just checking in on ya.

Heard another version of this....If you love something, let it go, if it doesn't come back you hunt it down, shoot it and stuff it and then it will be back in your living room....

I will listen to your radio call. What day did you speak? I am glad it gave you some strength. Hang tough. this stuff is not easy. You are a good Mom and have grace and mercy.

Thankyou for your kind words. I had a hard night last night. The kids finally cracked and told me what happenned last weekend. After he hadn't seen them for 5 weeks he took them out last weekend, they came back vry distressed, I thought it was just because the transition between daddy living here and daddy being a visitor was hard. Turns out after he picked them up he went and got OW and her daughter from the motel they were staying at and went out all together. MY DD has been terrified to tell me about this and how hard it was because she thought she might hurt me. The thoughtlessness of WH knows no bounds.

Hope, the radio call was 9/6/11. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.

Time for the child psych. Also time to get noted that HE AND THE AFFAIR (yes this time it's wh/daddy's actions) are causing his children emotional pain.

Also, when you get a sep agreement have it written in that no overnight visitors of opposite sex under same roof when children are with parent on visitation.

Maybe he should have to pay off his own debts that he created to sustain his life with OW. Maybe you and the kids should be able to stay in your own house. Talk to your lawyer about it. Different states laws vary, in Oregon they don't have community property which also means if you didn't sign on the dotted line for a debt, you aren't responsible for it, married or not.

I wish the law was fair and only the guilty had to pay for their actions. Unfortunately it seems that the BS and children end up doing most of the suffering.
WH sends an email today stated what dates in the holidays he will be taking the children andsaying that since I have plenty of notice I can work around that. He expects me to put DD and DS on a plane by themselves to go and meet him and OW and stay there for 12 days of the 2 weeks holiday. Needless to say I am sending the email to my lawyer and checking exactly how I should tell him he is dreaming in a polite and legal manner.
It amazes me that he can actually not realise that two young, confused, insecure children would not be up to flying on their own and leaving their mother for 12 days. I really think that fantasy fog is getting thicker rather than clearing.

Unfortunately here in Australia I am responsible for his debts which were created during the marriage, even if I didn't know about them. The only way they work it out is to give me a bigger percentage of what is left after settlement. Since it looks like this will be almost nothing a bigger percentage of nothing doesn't help me much.

Follow the advice of your counselor. You have the right idea (not flying off the handle and "ripping" off a response)

{{alb}}}

Alb it is the same here -- communit property but I did get a larger % of everything.

Don't dismiss that WH is probably hiding some of his money also. That is always a strong possiblity.

As for the children he needs to fly them out and fly them back. He thinks it is enough to pay extra to leave a 6 year old with a flight attendant.

Sorry with the way our world is today with safety issues on planes it is unreasonable to ask them to fly solo.

Of course on the flip side do you image 2 weeks spent with OW and WH....it won't be fun after 3 days with everyone fighting.

Just invision that...

I am taking the children to see my psych tomorrow morning. Maybe she can give me some advice as to how to tell him to stop thinking of himself and start thinking of them.

I can't believe him sometimes. I got a test from the lady who came to clean my house this week. She said "While I was there your ex-husband came in, he said this was alright with you. I hope that is OK".

The nerve of that man!