Why are you letting your WW dictate to you? Why would you let her go there alone and talk about this very important marital topic without you? Why did you not go and present yourself as the Man of the House??

I was uninvited by her mother and step dad to come. They wanted to be alone to discuss things with their daughter. I suppose WW told them before hand.

I pointed out that I've been doing more around the house, complimenting her, leaving notes, giving her some days off from the kids, listening to her, etc, etc. She said, "You should be helping around the house, you live here."

She's 100% correct on this one. You sound very needy when you complain about this!

I can tell from reading the thread.....
the affair is not over.

Exposure hit it hard but you are far from this being at a point where you can see whether there is potential to recover a romantic marriage with her or not.

She is peeved at you cause you messed up the fantasy.

Now, either you continue doing plan A (no lovebusting no matter what she throws your way. Stand up for yourself but do not have angry outbursts, disprespectful judgements, selfish demands...vs matter of fact ones).

Passive resistance to any of her requests to deal in divorce stuff.

Do not stoke the drama she wants to stir up. Disengage. Kindness. Matter of factness. Disengagement from drama.

Unless you decide you are done with her.

No matter what her family says about it either after talking with her.
"blah, blah, blah, blah says it was over a long time ago. Blah, blah, blah you need to blank".

Your response "I can see why, after speaking with her, you would feel that way. I will continue to hope my marriage can recover and be better than ever with the right guidance. I love her and am committed to our marriage. Thank you for your support (even if it sounds like there isn't any!"

ditto. Reading hit the nail on the head! Initially they are probably both embarassed for her, and feel some need to protect her a bit, but that could be b/c she may have already done the "wayward prep" by saying bad things about you TO THEM behind your back.

My xwh did that. That's what I call it. When they pre-empt fallout from their own selfish actions by trying to make the BS out to be a monster or she-beast so that when everybody finds out about the affair they won't 1)be mad at the wayward or 2)accept the vile affair partner.

I really think this goes on alot imho. I know when I first did exposure to my xwh's family, he did the "wayward prep" with his friends (very few) and with his family.

So the WW and kids got back a little bit ago and we sit down to talk. She proceeds to tell me that yesterday was as emotional as any she has ever had including the day I found out. She went up there and told them everything about the affair and telling them that she was going to divorce me (confirmed by her dad).

Long story short, only her dad tries to talk her out of it divorce while her mom and brother obviously support her in whatever she wants to do (divorce). They did not condone affair.

Anyway, she proceeds to tell me she is confused and I ask if she still intends to go through divorce and she says she doesn't know but right now, yes.

It's been a great Father's day...can you detect my sarcasm?

Do not discuss divorce with her.
Don't.
Say nothing.
If she files....say nothing.
Respond via an attorney you might hire for yourself, without telling her about it.

Do not interact with her on these conversations. It will do you no good. It feeds into her whole world view.

Be strong and loving to the children. Be open to rebuilding the marriage
but in plan A, stop talking about affair, stop talking about divorce. You have told her the affair must end and there can be no contact with affair partner. She knows already.

If and when you go to a plan B........you will have given it your all and it will have to play out from there. Then, you can always file for divorce yourself if you are done with her. Really done with her and prefer not to put any work into rebuilding yourself. It would be a lot of work. There has to be enough love left to be willing to try.

No one ever said life was fair. Here I am, a good person, loving father of two beautiful little kids, never cheated and now my WW wants a divorce. Doesn't even want to separate first. Says she can't see herself ever loving me again and ILYBINILWY.

Obviously I contributed to this mess (taking my wife for granted sometimes, not talking as much as I should, etc.) but I certainly didn't cause this. I'm guilty of having a "normal" marriage with its regular ups and downs.

She lives in this make believe world where everyone and everything will be fine if we divorce, including us and our kids. She is so selfish right now...

I didn't understand it on D-day (late April) and don't understand it now Life is really unfair sometimes. It's a shame when bad things happen to good people.

BX,

Yep, you're right. People can suck big time. People do suckie things. Yep, you are a good person, and you've been dealt a pretty sh-tty hand. I am so sorry for that! And, I'm sorry that you are here at all. Really. It's ufnair that you are in your situation at all, but...here you are. Blows.

>>>>>>post here, but never lose your direction, OK? Come back and post, OK? You said you trust me? Just trust what you hear as I try to only direct to the right place ....these people know EXACTLY what you are feeling, knowing, and experiencing.

Stay right here, OK?

P.S. the puke of ILYBINILWY is NORMAL. Let it slide...

I'm not going anywhere. You all have been my rock and I appreciate all the free advice. I'm glad you all don't charge by the hour or I would be POOR!

I might get 2 x 4 for this, but you might also have a look at the Recovery Thread called "Men's Recovery", or something like that. There are a group of guys that are either exactly where you are, or just ahead of you. And, I mean JUST ahead of you by just a few months. I think you'll find a tremedous amount of mental/emotional support there, and trust that they'll already know your story. This is a very small community for those that stick with it.

Try that? You are no where near Recovery, but reach out there, perhaps? Don't start a new thread...just reach out and say that you are on SAA. They already know you...I know.

Whoo hoo!

It's the link in my sig.

Recovering, recovered, in the thick, or divorcing, all are welcome.

I started it to help myself and other men begin to recover ourselves - to become better husbands, sons, fathers, and friends.

Current focus is resilience.

Part of defogging a WW is letting her know that a divorce will neither be pleasant or fun. This means that you should file first if you�re 100% certain she�s going to file.

When you do, do so without mercy. File on the grounds of adultery and request spousal support and sole physical and legal custody.

Make it completely clear that the path of divorce will not be pleasant.

A big part of the WW fantasy is that you and her will be friends after a D and that you will have some Hollywood version of divorce where kids are happy to have their parents apart and the two exes get along splendidly as if living out a sitcom.

Nothing can be further from the truth and part of the problem a BS faces is the partial buy in to this reality.

Playing nice will not win back your WW.

This is what the carrot and stick of plan A involves.

Any talk of divorce should be deflected and resisted while making it abundantly clear that the path of D is ugly. The path of reconciliation, however, should be much more welcoming, which is where you have the responsibility of executing a great Plan A.

So act like the husband she wants you to be. Make the house welcoming and be warm and friendly. But don�t engage in divorce talk unless it is simply to make it clear that going down the path will be a battle that neither one of you wish to go through or put the kids through.

A WW will manipulate things and tell you that making things easier is best for the kids and that you don�t wish to damage your relationship with each other in order to make things easier for them.

It�s a fantasy. Don�t fall for it.

I fell for it, which is where my advice comes from. My greatest mistake was in not making the path of divorce difficult. Doing so would have put me in a much better position with my kids.

So don�t settle and believe the lies.

Also, a lot of her divorce talk could very well be bluffing on her part.

Unfortunately I live in a no fault state. The judge couldn't care less who cheated on whom.

You may be right, but the objective isn�t to be effective legally. The objective is to shock the crap out of your wife. Will you get sole custody? No. Would adultery hold up without evidence? No.

But seeing it in writing, along with requests for child support and spousal support, has a shattering effect on the fantasy world of a WW. You see, a WW doesn�t know anymore about the law than you do unless she�s a lawyer herself.

So take advantage of this ignorance.

I had that same ignorance and believed that I would never see my kids as a man since the general consensus is that men don�t get custody. That�s not true at all. Men can and do get custody if they�re smart.

So the objective is one of psychological warfare, not of legal effectiveness.

BXB just getting back from vacation. Trying to catch up. Keep on the solid A and keep snooping. This isn't over by a long shot so chin up. No fault states have fault filings so just get creative if you have to...IE Mental cruelty (actually the truth) ETC. IF and IF it comes to it and you know she is filing. Till then plan A all day. This is still the war and its just a battle.

Question on another topic. If you aren't supposed to talk about affair how do you all gauge the status of your relationship? My wife doesn't ever want to discuss us or when we do it is a very short conversation (I'm not badgering). I'd like to know about us, how are we doing, am I satisfying your needs etc. but when I bring it up, the conversation stops.

Do I just need to drop it until she brings it up or just keep being positive statements about us and our kids? Make sense?

If you aren't supposed to talk about affair how do you all gauge the status of your relationship? Do I just need to drop it until she brings it up or just keep being positive statements about us and our kids? Make sense?

Well, gee, BX, how many HUNDREDS of us out here giving you the same answer will it take before you'll consent to listen to us?

To review:

16 June 2011: Yes, WW told me not to go. After reading this, I'M GOING even if I have to drive myself for two hours.
18 June 2011: I did not go to my family trip this weekend. I was asked not to go because she was going to address nuclear exposure. I got a call from her dad and he was hysterical (I love you. I'm sorry, etc).

And this was after EVERYBODY here told you how important it was for you to stand up AS A MAN, and take your proper place at this family gethering. Instead you folded your hand like a greenhorn when she bluffed you with that "I'm going to talk to a lawyer," crap. Do you know NOTHING about women? Do you NOT realize she was HOPING you'd kick down her house of cards and tell her that you have rights and expectations for your life, and will demand that they be respected? Seriously, after her lawyer hissy-fit on Friday, what could she possibly threaten you with if you went to the in-laws? Another lawyer? A better lawyer?

Grow up, grow a pair, and start to fight! Plan A is a method of fighting (her mindset). It is not Plan Bend-Over-Grab-And-Spread-Your-Cheeks!