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Are EPs in place to prevent this from ever happening again?
Did you ever tell your wife about your "friendship?" If the answer to either of these is no, then I don't see how advice on POJA or negotiation is going to help you. I am not sure how this is relevant to the current issue.
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Are you sexually attracted to your wife, Tom? Ever?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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We are well aware that SF and intimacy will change after the baby comes along. We expect that and have discussed doing things that ensure we find time just for the two of us when that time is needed with the baby. So why can't you do something similar now to deal with this issue while she's pregnant? Is it that you don't find your wife sexually attractive when she's pregnant? What precisely is your issue with having sex during her pregnancy?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Are you sexually attracted to your wife, Tom? Ever? Sometimes.
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We are well aware that SF and intimacy will change after the baby comes along. We expect that and have discussed doing things that ensure we find time just for the two of us when that time is needed with the baby. So why can't you do something similar now to deal with this issue while she's pregnant? Is it that you don't find your wife sexually attractive when she's pregnant? What precisely is your issue with having sex during her pregnancy? It is not an attraction issue when it comes to having sex during the pregnancy. I feel very awkward and uncomfortable having sex during the pregnancy.
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When we have had sex since finding out it is constantly in the back of my mind and I feel awkward. I think that comfort level is going to get worse as the pregnancy goes on. Why don't you wait to decide that when you get there? Pregnancy isn't like, flat one day, huge the next. KWIM?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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When we have had sex since finding out it is constantly in the back of my mind and I feel awkward. I think that comfort level is going to get worse as the pregnancy goes on. Why don't you wait to decide that when you get there? Pregnancy isn't like, flat one day, huge the next. KWIM? And there are lots of different positions you can try to make things less awkward. Traditional missionary style sex can be a little awkward in the 3rd trimester. Think of it as a great excuse to get creative and try something new!
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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In reference to the last two posts; it is not just about the size and how she will be growing, not just about being physically awkward. It is more of a mental thing, just seems very strange to me to be having sex with a baby in there.
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In reference to the last two posts; it is not just about the size and how she will be growing, not just about being physically awkward. It is more of a mental thing, just seems very strange to me to be having sex with a baby in there. Why? I mean, that's how the baby got IN there in the first place.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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In reference to the last two posts; it is not just about the size and how she will be growing, not just about being physically awkward. It is more of a mental thing, just seems very strange to me to be having sex with a baby in there. Why? I mean, that's how the baby got IN there in the first place. Thats just it, you ask why and I don't really have a why answer. It is just a feeling I have. It is not a rational choice, its a feeling. I have been told many times on here, I shouldn't try and make my wife do something at home that she does not like doing. Why is this any different?
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Thats just it, you ask why and I don't really have a why answer. It is just a feeling I have. It is not a rational choice, its a feeling.
I have been told many times on here, I shouldn't try and make my wife do something at home that she does not like doing. Why is this any different? It's different because this isn't your wife making you do something. This is people on a marriage builders forum telling you that it isn't healthy for your marriage to go without meeting your wife's EN for sexual fulfillment for 6 + months. It's never a good idea to refuse to meet our spouse's EN's.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Thats just it, you ask why and I don't really have a why answer. It is just a feeling I have. It is not a rational choice, its a feeling.
I have been told many times on here, I shouldn't try and make my wife do something at home that she does not like doing. Why is this any different? It's different because this isn't your wife making you do something. This is people on a marriage builders forum telling you that it isn't healthy for your marriage to go without meeting your wife's EN for sexual fulfillment for 6 + months. It's never a good idea to refuse to meet our spouse's EN's. I never said it would be a healthy thing to go without for this extended period of time. At the same time, is it healthy for me to do something new like this that I am not comfortable with? Am I suppose to just do it anyway, even though it does not make me comfortable/happy?
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What are you uncomfortable with? The possibility of enjoying it?
Unless there are complications that contraindicate intercourse during the pregnancy, I assure you the baby is rather anatomically isolated behind the cervix, plug, and amniotic sac. Unless you involve a midget, a sledgehammer, and a roulette wheel, all is well on the SF front, dude.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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[
I never said it would be a healthy thing to go without for this extended period of time. At the same time, is it healthy for me to do something new like this that I am not comfortable with? Am I suppose to just do it anyway, even though it does not make me comfortable/happy? How on earth do you know that it's going to make you so uncomfortable to have sex with your wife later in her pregnancy when you haven't even gotten there yet? You're just assuming that it's going to bother you, and you're not even willing to examine what it is that you might be bothered about. Why is that?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Unless you involve a midget, a sledgehammer, and a roulette wheel, all is well on the SF front, dude.  I don't even want to know.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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What are you uncomfortable with? The possibility of enjoying it?
Unless there are complications that contraindicate intercourse during the pregnancy, I assure you the baby is rather anatomically isolated behind the cervix, plug, and amniotic sac. Unless you involve a midget, a sledgehammer, and a roulette wheel, all is well on the SF front, dude. Again, why is it that I am in the wrong for feeling this way? It is hard to physically enjoy it, when you are mentally not in it right. At this point "regular" sex is off the table for the remainder of the pregnancy. My wife and I talked about it again tonight, she is not pleased with the idea and does expect for there to still be some romance, intimacy, and some form of SF. We just have not defined what that last part will consist of at this point.
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What are you uncomfortable with? The possibility of enjoying it?
Unless there are complications that contraindicate intercourse during the pregnancy, I assure you the baby is rather anatomically isolated behind the cervix, plug, and amniotic sac. Unless you involve a midget, a sledgehammer, and a roulette wheel, all is well on the SF front, dude. Again, why is it that I am in the wrong for feeling this way? It is hard to physically enjoy it, when you are mentally not in it right. At this point "regular" sex is off the table for the remainder of the pregnancy. My wife and I talked about it again tonight, she is not pleased with the idea and does expect for there to still be some romance, intimacy, and some form of SF. We just have not defined what that last part will consist of at this point. Your feelings aren't necessarily "wrong." But it is wrong for any married person to refuse to have SF with their spouse.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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[quote=TomOlympus][quote=HoldHerHand]
Your feelings aren't necessarily "wrong." But it is wrong for any married person to refuse to have SF with their spouse. It is not permanent. We had a lot of sex leading up to the pregnancy while we were trying (enthusiastically trying) to get pregnant. All of that extra before should be able to make up for some of what will be missing. Once the baby comes it will be challenging, but we will just have to find new ways to find time and get right back on the horse, so to speak.
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What are you uncomfortable with? The possibility of enjoying it?
Unless there are complications that contraindicate intercourse during the pregnancy, I assure you the baby is rather anatomically isolated behind the cervix, plug, and amniotic sac. Unless you involve a midget, a sledgehammer, and a roulette wheel, all is well on the SF front, dude. Again, why is it that I am in the wrong for feeling this way? It is hard to physically enjoy it, when you are mentally not in it right. At this point "regular" sex is off the table for the remainder of the pregnancy. My wife and I talked about it again tonight, she is not pleased with the idea and does expect for there to still be some romance, intimacy, and some form of SF. We just have not defined what that last part will consist of at this point. What does wrong have to do with it? Simply probing here, so I'll be direct - what, exactly, is the turn-off? It isn't just about her here. You will be going an extended period without the need for SF being met. That's a plan for self-inflicted misery that is going to be rough on both of you. What is the issue? How can you address it?
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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[quote=TomOlympus][quote=HoldHerHand]
What does wrong have to do with it? Simply probing here, so I'll be direct - what, exactly, is the turn-off?
It isn't just about her here. You will be going an extended period without the need for SF being met. That's a plan for self-inflicted misery that is going to be rough on both of you.
What is the issue? How can you address it? The turn off here is that she is pregnant and when being sexual with her, that is all that is on my mind. I have never thought of the idea of "pregnant sex" as something appealing/attractive. I also do not see it as a time for self-inflicted misery. We both can still have SF met, if not together then on our own.
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