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#2522570 06/22/11 12:02 PM
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Wife and I are both 33. We have a 2 year old son. Probably about six months ago I began to notice signs that something wasn't right.

She has worked for the same small business for a long time. One of her co-workers is a successful guy about our age. They have worked together for almost 10 years. I know that she considers him her best "work friend".

She has a high stress job but she began to work later and later. It was a very slow progression. At first she was working late and staying 30 minutes or an hour. But it became two hours late nearly every day. A few days she stayed three hours or more late. (Probably only two or three times). Plus a work party that she stayed an hour or so later than expected.

She also pulled away from me. Intimacy was rare and always initiated by me. It seemed that we were always arguing about something. (Not huge fights, but we were both annoyed at each other).

Once I saw that she was wearing much cuter underwear than she normally does. I felt she acted weird when I commented on it. I wasn't negative about it, just a little surprised. She said it was for my enjoyment, but I only noticed when she changed out of her work clothes into her pajamas. Another time after a party she was drunk and started crying saying that our relationship is doomed to fail. This is very unlike her. She said she was sorry the next morning.

There have been a few other small things that have happened that I would normally not think twice about but have been obsessing over.

In April I brought up my concerns to her. She seemed surprised but agreed that she has been distant. She said that it was because I was not meeting her needs. I agree and since then have been a better husband. (I am a great dad, but I have been neglectful of my wife). I felt that she acted guilty when I confronted her.

I can't shake the feeling in my gut that something happened which caused her to pull away. I bring it up again in May, and she denies and gets a bit annoyed.

Since then I discovered MB. I have been reading up and am in a strong plan A. She now comes home on time. We don't seem to bicker like we did. I am beginning to understand how to meet my wife's emotional needs. I want our marriage to work and have let her know.

I have also snooped on her phone and email, but have found nothing. Not a single scrap of evidence. Although I don't have access to her work computer. It does appear that she erased her Amazon history which is unusual. She loves online shopping and orders a lot of stuff.

So two nights ago she brings up a work even in August. At first it is a three day event she will be required to attend. Now it is a three day event at a hotel out of town. I know OM will be there and I let her know I'm not feeling comfortable with this. She asks if I don't trust her. I stick to letting her know how much I love her. She asks what she can do to make me believe her. She says I can talk to OM if I want. I decline.

I let her know that I feel like I am going crazy. I desperately want to believe her, but I can't shake my gut feeling. Is this normal? I feel like I may never know what happened. I would rather find out that she had A then feel the way I feel right now.

I guess my next step is VAR in car and continue plan A. I want this to work but I desperately want to know if something happened.

Maybe I'm going crazy, maybe not...

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the real McCoy's will be along shortly but in the meantime why don't you suggest this "Business" trip would be a good opportunity for some closeness for the both of you. Suggest you get a sitter and both of you go on this trip, what a fantastic idea!

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I agree. Go with. And I think the VAR is good idea as well.

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Thanks for the response. I'll try that route, she won't go for it though. She is selling this as a "business retreat". All of the executives are supposed to go and get away from all distractions.

I'm surprised that she is willing to be away from our DS for three days. I had to talk her into an overnight trip for just the two of us for our anniversary. We were away from him for less than 24 hours. (This was when things were at there worst between us).

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can't shake the feeling in my gut that something happened which caused her to pull away. Trust your gut! You just got a wake up call of some kind???.
1)Update your snooping methods. Can you get to her work PC? Also what phone does she use? Tag the home PC with keylogger TODAY! Go to Office max ETC and buy it. Var...YES TODAY!
Dont let on and withhold any suspicions for now.
Gut feelings is how most of us got here. Many red fags here saying EA or a PA. Now its really time to truly verify by snooping. Transparency is a must in any M so you have the right to this info.
Get this started NOW. If you can hire a PI do it, if you cant get the job done yourself. Educate yourself heavily on PI tactics by key-wording and reading up on surveillance. If your just Ok tech savvy you can do this by yourself.
Again remain calm and normal as you can. If you verify there is an ongoing EA or PA there are additional steps.
Order Surviving an Affair here from the bookstore and start reading it as well just in case. Still a great read!
If your W is in a EA or PA prepare to go to war with the plans that will be given by the vets. I hope its early on and there's no hard damage but something is up. Right now you need to identify what or whom the enemy is.
If its a lack of a marital Plan to meet each others EN's use His Needs Her Needs/Love busters as your bible.Meet her needs extraordinarily well starting NOW. If its an A and you wish to recover use SSA as your bible. I hope for the best case and so should you. But IDENTIFY what the target is first by SNOOPING YOUR @S$ OFF!!
I didnt like none of this advice when I first showed up here either. Made my heart pound. But if you really want to make your M work it is WORK. And if you two have let intuition drive the M so far. Its time to change that and work a plan!


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Originally Posted by NotSoSureInSoCal
I have also snooped on her phone and email, but have found nothing. Not a single scrap of evidence.

Yeah, my FWW was really good at hiding and getting rid of evidence as well.

Trust your gut. If it says that there's an A going on, there's likely an A going on.

Do you have a keylogger on her PC? You might be checking one e-mail address, while she's using others for contacting the OM. It's not likely that she will only use the office computer for contact.


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Dont worry about August trip BTW not yet. Drop it its a non issue ATM.


Divorced 11/5/2013
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Hilsmon #2522647 06/22/11 01:52 PM
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Thanks for the response. I really appreciate it. I don't have access to her work computer. Her phone is set up on the company plan so I can't access the bill. I do know the code to get into the phone but I can't find anything. Her work email is hooked up, but only the inbox. One of her duties at work is email review, so she knows it isn't secure. At this point my only hope is VAR. She would never suspect it.

It feels REALLY good to get all of this off my chest. I have lost 10 pounds the last month and can't sleep. At first, I thought I was going crazy, but the more I read here the more I trust my instincts.

I have a question though. Next time she brings it up, should I just tell her I have worked it out and I trust her again?

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No key logger yet. I will look into it. Probably won't reveal much. We rarely use our home PC. My gut tells me everything is done while at work. VAR will probably give me the best results.

Thanks again!

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GPS in the car? Spy Stick on work cell phone?

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DO NOT LET ON!!!!! Blow off the trip any way you see it dis-alarms her. Do not alarm her.
Work phone is a Droid? Blackberry???? Regardless of whom is paying the bill it can be compromised by many programs and relayed all text/email to 3rd party site. U need 10 minutes to install it. Var is a must, Voice activated and find a secret spot. U may have to try under seat/dash. Get a third party GPS as well and place it in her trunk if a car (spare tire areas)
Go to your PHD and get some meds. 10 Lbs isnt good. Remember animal needs, food, water and rest.
Nope your not crazy.


Divorced 11/5/2013
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Hilsmon #2522667 06/22/11 02:36 PM
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Keylogger on home PC's today and BTW how long have you been married?


Divorced 11/5/2013
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Hilsmon #2522668 06/22/11 02:36 PM
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Thanks everyone. She has a blackberry through work.

I will get VAR set up asap. I'll also look into GPS for car. The last few weeks she has been home at normal time and acting as if everything is ok. She is quick to point that out. I really want to believe her. But my gut is saying "not so fast".

Hilsmon #2522669 06/22/11 02:37 PM
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Have you checked out the Spying forum.
That should be your next stop. Read and Read and Read.

Do not let her know anything has changed! Do not let her know about this forum under any circumstances. This place will be your lifeline, and the place that gives you a strategy and a plan. Do not reveal it to her.


Get the VAR going. And prepare yourself for the worst.
Stay calm and don't confront her. Too many times, the betrayed husband tips his hand, and the wife learns how to cover her tracks better.

What state are you in? You might want to study up on some of the laws on custody and divorce.

There is another great thread for men about "DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME"....


Hilsmon #2522670 06/22/11 02:37 PM
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Married 6. Together 10. The first few years were long distance.

Lexxxy #2522675 06/22/11 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Have you checked out the Spying forum.
That should be your next stop. Read and Read and Read.

Do not let her know anything has changed! Do not let her know about this forum under any circumstances. This place will be your lifeline, and the place that gives you a strategy and a plan. Do not reveal it to her.


Get the VAR going. And prepare yourself for the worst.
Stay calm and don't confront her. Too many times, the betrayed husband tips his hand, and the wife learns how to cover her tracks better.

What state are you in? You might want to study up on some of the laws on custody and divorce.

There is another great thread for men about "DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOME"....
Thanks Lexxxy. I will be very careful going forward. I will re-read the snooping forum.

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Once they suspect that you are awake they usually do this type of thing. Shes worried and that's not good either. BB's can be tapped by spycell ETC. Force pushed from your pc onto the BB via USB. It will then relay all text/emails/calllog to the spy site. It also has a GPS feature. Is she guarding the BB or have it PW protected?


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Hilsmon #2522681 06/22/11 03:01 PM
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Another reason that I feel I'm going crazy. She is not overly protective of her phone. I have done a lot of snooping on it, but haven't found anything. Nothing at all. She even commented on the fact that she is never on her phone when she is home. It's true. She doesn't text. She doesn't take random "work" calls and step out of the room. I don't know.

I do know I feel a lot better getting all of this off my chest. It has been a tough few months.

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The VAR is the best suggestions, and perhaps the GPS tracker as well.

The Ronald Reagan school here said it best, "Trust but verify."

You've been given some solid suggestions, take action.

Hilsmon #2522686 06/22/11 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Hilsmonemoretime
Dont worry about August trip BTW not yet. Drop it its a non issue ATM.

On the contrary, I suggest that you strongly indicate that you are not "OK" with her travelling to some hotel out of state where the OM will be present and you will not allow her to convince you otherwise.


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