4)the giver and the taker - What is the best combination because having one or the other exclusively is not good so what do you do? have a bit of both at the same time? have a bit of both alternating them?

The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.

But the Giver is only half of the story. The other half is the Taker. It's the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It's the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.

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The giver is all about love and concern and the taker is our selfish side...so how can the giver be bad, or the taker be good?

Everybody recognizes the "good" in the giver and how giving can enhance relationships, but here's how a "bad" giver can ruin your marriage if all your marital choices are made solely selflessly:

*your giver is not honest....he won't tell your spouse what you need because he more concerned about your spouse feels, whether your spouse gets his needs met, than protecting your interests or your feelings. If your spouse asks the giver if it's okay to do something....even something you don't want to do...the giver says okay.

*your giver is the one who creates resentment...all that dishonesty cloaked in care....leads to misunderstandings, mixed signals, missed opportunities. The giver thinks...my spouse should KNOW what I need....just like I know what he needs.

*your giver is your martyr....endless giving creates the ever suffering spouse. Givers are praised for their selflessness, but they become very unhappy until all that's left is to somehow enjoy the pain....and get what secondary gain that offers.

*givers avoid risk and change...no rocking the boat...who knows what could happen? Nope, givers like safety....even when that involves enduring discomfort.

*givers believe in unconditional love...because they don't ask for conditions. They just give.

*givers handle your tender emotions...fear, sadness, care, consideration. They also tend to be weepy and needy.

We all know how "bad" the taker can be....afterall he's the guy who makes selfish demands, angry outbursts and most of our other LBs. But how can the taker be "good"?

*your taker is the guy you need at the negotiation table....because your giver will NOT create harmony, fairness, honesty in the dealings. Without your taker, your giver will create an environment of sacrifice....leading to resentment, anger and loss of love.

*your taker is honest about what you need and gives your spouse the information to CHOOSE to show you he loves you in the way that you would like it. He doesn't require mind reading...he lays it on the table.

*your taker fights for what you need and doesn't let you sit home three weekends in a row...he makes sure you're part of the fun.

*your taker is not an enabler or codependent.

*your taker saves your marriage as often as your giver does by making sure that reciprocity exists.

*your taker is willing to take risks and make changes.


As an example, I'd like to put forward my own marriage and how my giver undermined the happiness in my marriage for years. I NEVER went into negotiations with my taker....so I never even got close to getting what I wanted. I always put my husband first. But I wasn't happy. I didn't like it.....and I BLAMED HIM for not giving me what I wanted even though I wasn't honest and he didn't know how to please me. There is no negotiation without the taker...the giver just says "fine", do what you want. I lived with resentment every time he did what he wanted. I punished him for it too. And I was not someone who he would want to spend time with in the future either because I was pretty much angry all the time.

Letting my taker out saved my marriage. Oh to be sure, I couldn't let my taker rant and rage....but once he wasn't in chains all the time, he was far less volatile. My taker is the one who found out that my husband was actually willing and pretty enthusiastice about negotiation. Instead of the old pattern...H wants to do something...I say yes...then treat him badly. The new pattern goes like this....H wants to do something, I tell him how I might feel enthusiastic about that...we come to an agreement about how we can both get what we need....and I treat him well...and we both have fun! He gets to enjoy his activities without guilt. I know that I won't be neglected because we have also made plans together.

Do you all genuinley think that if he met my ENs i will fall back in love??

I have a few questions about the MB principals that i would love to get some help understanding better please.

1) We are about to do the EN questionaires again, what scares me is that my ENs tend to change from time to time. how can i address this?

2) UA time wise it includes SF but im not really comfortable with scheduling SF what do I do about that?

3) UA time again would love some ideas as to what to do during that time? with 4 kids activities outside the house are difficult and not affordible at the moment. Dont have a babysitter and the grandparents wont have all 4 kids they only take 2 at a time. any ideas for what to do in UA time would be great.

4)the giver and the taker - What is the best combination because having one or the other exclusively is not good so what do you do? have a bit of both at the same time? have a bit of both alternating them?

Do you all genuinely think that if he met my ENs i will fall back in love??

Hold,
thanks for clarifying and answering the questions I had about the MB principals I agree with everything you have suggested and said a part from the SF section.

SF is a very complicated and troublesome issue in my marriage right now. For one I am not feeling attracted to my H (or anyone else for that matter), I do meet his SF needs but its done because I hate the fact that I have caught him with porn on his phone a couple of months ago and the image of him selfpleasuring over those images has truly tuned my stomach. I find the notion of it vile and that has affected my sesire for SF with him. He wants sex most of the time and never lovemaking which is another problem.

Take all the above and add in occasions where he has had issues with maintaning an erection and you can start to see the complications in this department. I dont feel like he wants me i feel like he uses me for SF because im there not because he truly wants me and he has added insult to injury by making some crude remarks about it recently that left me even more wounded.

I know this is a personal and very private matter but it is a problem that i would appreciate help in resolving.

I'm going to shoot off a radio show e-mail on this.

Sorry Hold I have no idea what you mean or are saying here. please clarify

If your husband were to avoid masturbation for a week, he would find his normal sex drive returning and he would be more sexually attracted to you. The longer he would avoid the pornographic videos and any other sexual material, and limit all of his sexual options to having sex with you, the more your sexual relationship would return to the way it was when you were first married.

But it won't be easy for him to give up his tapes or whatever else he uses for sexual release. Over the years, his methods of self-arousal have probably become very sophisticated and work extremely well -- much better, in fact, than his sex with you.

Like any other addiction, at first, he will crave what he has left behind. He will go through the same withdrawal that alcoholics experience. He may become depressed and frustrated, and it will be quite an adjustment for both of you. But if he can do it, if he can stop having sex in any context that does not include you, he will eventually find complete sexual fulfillment in his relationship with you.

Don't forget that the way you make love together should be with your enthusiastic agreement. If he says that you must make love to him in a way that upsets you, or is at all uncomfortable, he's back to his sexual addiction again -- where having sex is more important to him than your feelings.

Sex should be exclusively reserved for the marital relationship for quite a few reasons. For one thing, sex is one of the easiest ways to deposit love units in marriage. To waste it's pleasure apart from each other is to miss an opportunity to build romantic love.

But another important reason to make sex exclusive is that when one spouse has sex outside of marriage, the other spouse is usually offended. And as you've seen, it isn't just your husband's sex with other women that would offend you. You are offended whenever he has sex that doesn't include you.