Anger is starting to give way to depression. I noticed I have been very short tempered lately and my body is aching. I think it might be time for some medication before I fall into that depression hole.
Why is it me suffering and him enjoying his life.

Also need some advice on what to say to friends who say they want to keep out of it and stay friends with both of us. I thought that was fine, but then when I needed them to help me with something with the kids they told him about it which really annoyed me. How do you tell someone this without offending them?

Albizia, I would stick close to people who support YOU, not those who also supposedly are supporting your WH. There are so many people who do not believe in taking any sort of a stand; they do not understand that by "supporting" your WH, they are helping him make a terrible mistake that will hurt you and your children.

You could tell these wienies that they are helping him stay in a relationship that is statistically destined to fail miserably and quote the stats. How can a good friend honestly come to the conclusion that he needs that kind of support? If they were REAL friends, they would tell him to get back home right away and drop him until he does so.

Let them out of your life and stick by friends who support YOU.

Today is a bad day. I feel like if it weren't for the kids I would just curl up in a ball and cry till it all went away. Luckily I do have two beautiful, innocent children who need me to keep it together. Some days that is easier than others.

Hi, Albizia,

I have been following your thread from the beginning as I have been going through something similar with my wife's affair. Regarding your recent posts I can tell you that he is actually suffering, too, though it can be hard to see that. ***EDIT*** It is frustrating though, I agree. I used to make a habit, every time I had to clean the cats' litter box or get up at night to clean up a hairball, of thinking how this kind of reality just wasn't intruding in their fantasy life at all. Maybe that wasn't helpful, but it did remind me that what they "had" was not based on any kind of reality, and I found that comforting.

I have definitely had those days of wanting to "just curl up in a ball and cry," and often did. I would say, if you feel like crying, do. It's better to allow yourself that, and you will feel better having done it rather than pushed it away.

The most helpful thing you can do for yourself at this time, in my experience, is to commit yourself to 45 minutes of daily exercise. Even just walking will do. It is not always enough to take your mind off things, but on many days it will make you feel much better, even normal, both during the time you are exercising and even for a few hours afterwards. When it works, which is most of the time, it is almost like magic. If you aren't already exercising, I hope you will try it. The trick is to make it (almost) as much of a daily requirement as having dinner, or whatever else you always make sure to do every day no matter what.

Exercise also has all sorts of other wonderful side effects that do wonders for your ability to sleep well, for your self esteem, and (eventually, maybe) for the wandering one to start noticing things changing (and for the better) and to start questioning things.

Best of luck, Albizia. I'm pulling for you.

Albizia,
I understand the place you are at. I was down and I was as low as i could get. My best advice is don't let yourself be a victim.

Have your pity parties but keep them to yourself which is difficult. Reach out only to someone who is there to support YOU...not WH.

You have to give the perception you are doing well even if right now it is not true. it gives them power when they know we are crashing.

Always act "as if". Let word get out how great you look, how much weight you lost, new clothes, new haircut. make HIM wonder even if you don't see him.

Agree about the exercise. I walked the beach every night for months. I cried more tears than were in the ocean but no one saw me. After awhile I just started to enjoy the walks instead of it being a sorrow.

Do you belong to a church? I changed churches last year and i have such a good group of supportive friends I can call them anytime.

Take one day at a time. It is hard work. I has been 3 years and I do well most days and then there will be a trigger and I will fill up with tears out of nowhere.

Post here that really helps the most.

Blessings.

Thanks for the support.
I do belong to a church and I have lots of good friends and great family. These things are a great support to me. I am throwing myself into my children and me growing strong together. We are off on a camping trip for the next few days and are all looking forward to it.

I will let you know how it all goes when I come home next week.

Thanks again

Have fun and just be the wonderful Mom you are.

Blessings

I'm back from camping and feeling a bit refreshed. I find myself becoming a little short tempered and so have started using the medication before this develops into full depression (I have been there before and know the signs).

Right now my focus is on continuing to plan B and concentration on me. No matter what happens from here on I know that the children and I will be fine. A good friend of mine gave me two good pieces of advice.
1. Cry at night in bed on your own, then get up and face the new day with a smile.
2. Never forget "good things happen to good people, and you are a good person."

I don't know where I'm heading right now and what lies in front of me. The plans I had for my life have all but disappeared. I do know that whatever happens, I can do this.