Rolling out the classic :

NeverGuessed's Betrayed Husband Survival Kit

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD(?) WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put �Flexispy� on any cellphone that she might use.
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Right now you should be operating on steps 1 - 8. The results of those preliminary efforts will determine if 9 - 13 are necessary.

This is the value of the board. Most of us has been in your shoes and the ones that remain hear this eerily similar information from BS's just about every day. We process it through Logic where you are trying to do it with Emotions.
Glad Neverguessed showed and was hoping for a few of the other old timers to show. They will soon as the true deal is discovered. I can assure you if they haven't commented they are reading this thread.
My "spin" was so that you look at all the possibilities out there. New man at work? Currently suspected OM marital problems? Sudden and unannounced old boyfriend connection on Face book. We see A's morph from every thing down to YOUR pastor. Sad but true.
Withdrawel is always a red flag. Always. Now she seems to be back in the state of "conflict" and thats better but not the goal here.
Read http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html and give us your thoughts on if any of this identifies your Wife or your M.

From the link:
Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.

This really hit home. I am guilty of neglect. Not physical neglect. I don't travel for work. I rarely go out without her. I help with household duties. In fact, I cook and do dishes during the week. I take out the trash and clean around the house. I am very involved with my son. I change diapers, bathe him and put him down for bed. I get up in the night if he cries and get up early on the weekend when he doesn't want to sleep in.

But, she has commented that she felt as if I was "just going through the motions". While I was physically available to her, I was emotionally closed off. While she was pulling away from me it was harder to converse with her. It seemed like we didn't have anything to talk about. Just how crazy her work is and our son. This is something that I have been working on for the last few weeks. She has said that she sees a different me. I just hope that it is not to little to late.

"just going through the motions" Same exact words my FWW had for me and was saying to her OM in there EA. She is not having her need for Intimate Conversation met. You must learn to do this exceedingly well by using friends of conversation and getting rid of the enemies of conversation.
She has said that she sees a different me. I just hope that it is not to little to late. Nope I dont think so not by a long shot Unless you dont want to Recover IF you discover an A.
Are you married to my Wife? Our sitch is 2 peas in there little pod. Have you identified your top EN's yet by doing the worksheet here on this site? And if SF (Sexual Fulfillment) is one of your tops I bet shes doing a bad job of meeting it too right? Has been for a while.
I do suspect with this GTT motions declaration to you that she is at minimal "talking" with a "friend". This would explain the mental drawback you have felt. Its has robbed her emotions from you.

Haha. Serious question. Are you me?

Yup. SF is a top need for me and she has done a poor job at meeting it. I already mentioned here that it was always initiated by me. I have been turned down many times. I realized how much resentment I've build up over this issue. She always has excuses. I think that my confidence has been effected due to the rejection.

At this point I know that I can only control my actions. I am doing my best to ensure that I meet her needs in hopes that she will want to meet mine.

IF there is something else going on, I will deal with it swiftly. If not, then I will just try to be the best husband I can be.

You have the perfect makings to get it done either way. I do hope U caught it in time as then its really just both of you making decisions to do the right things to be happy. As I said in my very first post "you have been given a wake up call"
Keep on meeting that IC need of hers and throw in as much NON SEXUAL AFFECTION as she will let you. You have robbed her Love Bank blindly not knowing. Fill it up and that takes Time. Spend as much Time together as possible . 20 hours per week with undivided attention. Find a way...no excuses. Make it fun and good conversation.
I hope the snoop tools find NOTHING. Her job email/work phone is how my FWW last EA started. I wouldnt have known had I not know the Babble talk. Then stupidly she made 1 call from our private cell on a Saturday. You see her "NEED" needs to be met so badly that if its a OM at work/anywhere she will contact him over the weekend somehow. This should be her vulnerabilities.
If after a few weeks you see improvement in her by doing YOUR job and the tools you launch reveal nothing then the plan is pretty straight forward. If it does reveal anything then 9-13 has to be done very specifically and we all will help you formulate.
Have a great weekend southcal. Keep Bond in his suit k

Any update?

Yep checking in on you Bro.

We had a pretty good weekend. I previously posted that I had talked to my wife and told her that I trust and support her. I want her to drop her guard while I continue to monitor her.

I guess she totally bought it because she mentioned OM a few times Thursday and Friday. Just in passing while talking about work. Prior to that she hasn't talked about him much. I tried to ignore it, but it put me in a crappy mood. Anyway, when I get in a bad mood I tend to pull away. On Friday night I finished the 5 love languages and I believe that her primary language is intimate conversation. So I realize I will need to control my mood to meet her needs.

Anyway, we ended up having a really nice Saturday and Sunday. We had a lot of "us time" and had a lot of good talks. It was nice.

I am encouraging my wife to read the book. My primary love language is physical touch. My wife is not a touchy person and has done a pretty good job of convincing me that I just need to deal with it. I now realize that she is the one that needs to change, not me. She has done a very poor job of meeting my emotional need. I hope that she reads it and realizes that it is on her to meet my needs, not on me to change my needs. As silly as it sounds to even type that last sentence, that has been our marriage. She isn't a physical person, so I have to deal with it. Crazy.

As far as my plans going forward. I will continue to monitor VAR and computer as well as phone and email. I am hopeful that nothing will turn up. I will continue to "Plan A", although hopefully this will just become our reality. A fun, loving and happy marriage.

Did anything happen with my wife and OM? At this point, I believe I will never know. If I find hard evidence that something did happen, I will confront, but until I have that evidence I have to live my life as if nothing happened. As Hils mentioned, I got a "wake up call".

Just wanted to thank everyone that took the time to read this thread and especially thank everyone that took the time to respond.

Hils, you have been a huge help. I really appreciate all of your incite. Again, thanks to everyone else that took the time to respond. This is really a great community.

For now I will let this thread die. I will probably check back from time to time and I will for sure update if I find evidence of infidelity.

Thanks!!

Was she always like that?

Let me put it another way - why do you think you fell in love with your W? What ENs was she meeting at that time?

Cali, I encourage you to remain and talk. There are many things you need help in your M and that's also what this place is about.
You are certainly a quick study and thats good for HER. Now you must be able to effectively communicate what makes YOU happy to her. To do that she has to be open minded and willing to work. If Affection is your number one need then she has to make the effort to fill it, but first she must understand WHY she needs too.
I think you need to set some goals. One is say 30 days. Meet her needs for that time without much expectation. Then once you have made some deposits have a discussion about your needs.
Get His Needs Her Needs. 5LL is good but DrH's is so much better.
Im glad I could help. I need help too Maybe start a new thread in 101 and link it here for now.
Keep the snoop on in the mean time. Transparency, openness and radical honesty are key components to a Affair proof M.

When we first started dating, we were more physical. After dating for a year, I had to move to another state (I was in the military) and our relationship was long distance for 4 long years. We obviously saw each other when we could, but never enough. It was very easy to by physical when we didn't see each other much.

Once I got out, we moved in together and started our life. Since then that need for me has been mostly unmet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my wife for all of our problems. I share just as much blame. I wasn't doing a good job at meeting some of her primary needs. I also wasn't dealing with my feelings of rejection from her. Instead of truly talking about how important it was, I just tried to bury it.

I know I still have a long ways to go, but I feel like our foundation of love is still there and with some effort on both of our parts, we can make this a loving and happy marriage.

I like the idea of the 30 day goal. I will do everything I can do to meet her needs for the next 30 days without expecting anything in return. I have lived this was for a few years, I can go 30 more days. Once I have deposited enough into her love bank, I will address my needs with her. Thanks Hils!

I thought about HNHN, but at this point, I am trying to not mention anything about affairs. Since part of the title is how to affair proof your marriage, I am going to hold off on getting it. IF I find evidence otherwise, I will for sure pick it up.

Understanding it is the key. Most of us drive our M from intuition and we marry thinking all that brings us together will continue....then it doesn't. Just as in the Military everything in life needs a plan.
Neglecting each others needs is what drives most people to have A's. Im glad you recognize it for what it is. Pure and simple Neglect of Care.
Conflict is also huge. Policy of Joint agreements work out for everyone's benefits.
Then there are LOVE BUSTERS. We all are guilty. But with minimization of LBs and making sure ENs are met we can succeed.
You sound highly receptive, a key for you is getting your W on the same plan. I cant stress how important it is for you both to be on the same pages. Pick a program and work it willingly together. M can be happy I believe. I am most of the time. But unfortunately my FWW has driven some huge holes in my heart. Were in Recovery not just changing the rules.
For most of us when WE are neglected we put up walls. "drift Apart" "go through the motions" are all signs of M unhappiness and MUCH of the time symptoms of an Affair in a otherwise middle of the road Marriage.
I have looked far and wide at everything out there. 5LL, Love and Respect you name it. Order Harleys literature and never let the dust settle on it and you will be the Envy M. Let it get dusty (like I did) and you may find that wake up call is the wake up to a nightmare.
If there is no A here then your job by default is easier. I envy that too. But there are for sure some personal boundaries issues and extraordinary precautions with your Wife. Get that set up to Affair proof your M. She shouldnt have any "friends" in the workplace of the Op-Sex. She must not talk about personal things with anyone of the Op-sex. Look around you and no matter how unattractive a man can be to her now. If she lets him meet any of her ENs (intimate conversation) he will become irresistible to her. Then once one boundary is crossed its a sure trip to another and then another UNTIL..........

SRY was writing when u updated U the man I like your style.

****This was much longer that I planned. Here is the super abridged version for those that don't want to read. Wife still acting a little shady. I want to ask her to take a poly so that I can know the truth. Below is the full version.****

I haven't posted in a while and wanted to give an update and ask for some advice.

Here is a quick recap for those that don't remember my thread: About six months ago I noticed my wife pulling away from me. She started spending more and more time at work and we just weren't connecting. There were many small red flags and eventually I grew suspicious that she was cheating on me with someone she works with. I brought it up and she tearfully denied. I couldn't shake the feeling that she was deceiving me. I discovered MB and began posting and got some great advice. I have been snooping while executing plan A. I (finally) got HNHN and read it. I asked my wife to read it but she has made zero effort in reading it.

Previously I had mentioned that my wife had a two night work trip planned. It was relocated from out of town to a very nice resort hotel only about 10 miles from my house. OM was also attending said event.

So last weekend was the event. Initially my wife was very hesitant in letting me stay. She said the event planner wanted to have it at a hotel so that the executives would be distraction free. (No family, kids, etc). I tell her I would still like to see her.

The first day of the event I can only make it to see her during a short break she had before the planned dinner. I take my son and we have about 10 minutes before she has to leave. OM calls my wife on cell and they laugh about something that happened that day. I have become obsessed with her body language and observe as she is talking to him. She seems full of joy as she is talking to him.

I'm sure I will get some 2x4's here but I did not stay the night that first night. She called me after dinner 10pmish to say goodnight. Later I check her phone and earlier call from OM was erased.

Next day I get there before her break is scheduled to start and snoop her room over. I didn't find anything. She finally gets back and is visibly upset. She says the last meeting was very intense and she cried. She felt distant to me. So she is in the bathroom when OM knocks on the door. He seemed a little surprised when I answered but not overly. He asks if my wife was there. I tell him she is. He asks if he can talk to her. I say no, she is getting ready. He says, OK, just let her know I stopped by to make sure she is ok. I want to say, f@ck off and mind your own business, but just say sure.

He leaves. A few minutes later my wife comes out of bathroom and just goes about her business as if someone didn't just knock on door. About 10 minutes later she finally asks if someone stopped by. I let her know. She just says ok and moves on.

So after her dinner she comes back to room. (30 minutes after scheduled end time). I let her know that I am really upset that OM came by room. He has no business checking in on her at her hotel room. She blows it off saying no big deal. I tell her she is too close to this man and it is affecting our relationship. She uses same argument that it is nothing. They only talk about work. I let her know that many affairs have started between people only talking about work.

As she is defending her self I watch her pupils dilate even though the light has not changed in room. Later I read that this is a sign of someone lying.

So after event is over she tells me she doesn't really want to talk about it. That she needs to unwind. She then proceeds to talk about it all night with my family. She just didn't want to talk to me about it.

That leads me to today. I believe from the bottom of my heart that she is lying to me. I do not have a shred of physical evidence. Only my gut. I can't sleep. I've lost a ton of weight. I want this to end. Do I want this marriage to work?? I think so. I need the truth in order to begin.

I want to ask my wife to take a polygraph. Here is my plan. (If you have made it this far, this is where I need your help). I want to sit her down and let her know that I need her to take the poly. I will ask her in the evening after our son is down for the night. I will let her know that if she continues to deny an affair and she fails the poly then I will divorce her. I will let her know that she has until the following morning when my alarm goes if she has a change of heart and wants to change her story. Once that time passes any change of story or failure will result in divorce. I want to make sure she can think about it all night.

I will let her know I will call every poly tester in my city and get the soonest available appointment.

Um... Not sure if there is anything else I should add? Does this sound like much of a plan? Am I crazy? Please let me know what you think.

a wise poster gave me these words, it was like a brick in the face at the time, to him not me- I said it. scheduled the poly and told him a few days before, he came clean with all of the gory details.

"Do you want to stay in this marriage or not? If you want a divorce then you need to go file for one. If you don't want a divorce, then I want to get all of our cards on the table now, get everything out so that there are no more trickle truths, no more lies, no more halfways because there is no way that I'm ever going to go through this again. If I get any hint of contact again with OW, then I'm out of here. So what do you want to do?

dont threaten the poly just schedule it. let her know the date it scheduled. tell her in order to stay married to you this is what you need to move forward.

you did say once that time passes any change of the story or failure will result in divorce---- are you saying that when she finally tells you the full story you will divorce her, why would she tell you then. when the truth does come out bite your tounge take it and go back for more, if you react she will pull away.

you need to make the decision if this is true and there is an affair --are you going to give it you best to make this marrige work, it sounds that way but you need to be clear.

i have to look back, what are your snooping tactics and how that going?>

ps- you are not crazy.

I'll schedule it and then tell her.

As for snooping: keylogger and frequent checks on cell and some VAR. I haven't turned up any physical evidence. We rarely use home PC. Her cell is not locked, but nothing has turned up. I did notice she erased a call from OM that I knew she took. Her phone is also hooked up to work and personal email. I frequently review them but if she is erasing it wouldn't matter.

As far as the VAR goes, initially I was diligent about using it, but as the weeks passed without anything, I regret to say I haven't used it recently.

Sorry if I'm not clear. I guess I just want her to admit the affair. As I picture things playing out, i find comfort in the thought that she will come clean instead of denying to the end. For some reason that makes a difference for me. If she is willing to come clean, I will promise her that I will give recovery 100% effort. I will follow the MB plan of NC and exposure.

If she denies the affair and fails the poly, I feel she isn't interested in recovery.

Any one have any experience with polygraph tests? Ideas for questions? Do I share the questions with her in advance? I've emailed two places to see how much and when they are available. Hopefully soon so I can get this done with. Looks like they run about $400 in my area. Money well spent...