Scotty, I want to thank you for being a great friend to me when I really needed one. You and peachy and a few others helped me regain my sanity at a time when I thought I would commit suicide because I hurt so much, so deeply that living seemed to be so much worse than dying.

I did follow Plan B from Dec. 22 through the end of March. It never got easier and it hurt me far more than it hurt him.

My IC told me on Wednesday that I've got to stop beating myself over could haves and should haves. She applauded my dig at WH and Dumpy as the first sign that I am becoming empowered to face the hard truths of my divorce without dissolving into an emotional mess. No, she's not trying to save my marriage; she's been trying to save ME. Saving me or at least helping me inch my way forward has been her main goal. And if I'm not there yet, I am much further along the way now than I was even 3 months ago.

I love MB and Dr. Harley's concepts--don't let ANYONE convince you otherwise. If my marriage ever recovers (and that's a big IF), the HNHN, FILSIL, and other books are the first tools I'll use during the recovery process.

However, right now I'm concerned with me. I need to heal my heart and Plan B was a knife in it. I'm just not and may never be emotionally strong enough for it. The fault is mine alone.

I'm not playing games. I'm doing the best I can to live with this crappy hand I was dealt. My husband is no longer the focus of my attention. I am. I'm getting to and past the point where I give a damn about him.

I think that's good and positive and right for me. I'm sorry you don't.

Take care
**edit**

I'm sorry that my name was edited out--it was my John Hancock moment when I proclaimed with pride who I am to the world.

I'm not questioning the policy, just stating my reason for doing it.

I believe that Plan B DOES help people heal themselves. Firstly, you remove the abusive person from the equation and you seriously start to heal. It takes a lot longer than a few months to gain the necessary benefits from Plan B. I am saddened that you didn't give it more of a chance.

And don't dismiss it, you are playing a game, and it's a sick one. The back and forth does NOTHING to help you. I can't believe that a counselor would ever say that to someone. While it is good to express one's anger, getting digs in isn't. I am sorry, but I can't get behind that.

I DO believe you are strong enough. I saw you start the fall when you had to see him at the courthouse.

I know how much you still love him, and that's where the pain comes from, thing is, I truly believe that if you had ANY chance at saving your marriage, it would be through MB. Do I believe that every marriage in Plan B is saved? NOPE, of course not. What I DO believe though is that every BS in Plan B IS saved, and that's enough for me. I am sad that it wasn't enough for you. I would like to keep in contact with you, so if you want, I would like to trade emails with you. If you want to, hit the notify button. Otherwise, I wish you only the best. And I really was excited for the prospect of going to Scotland with you. Who knows, we may still get that chance. Take care my friend.

One of the purposes of Plan B is protect any love you have your husband so I'm not surprised to hear you say this about him now. But you know what? This is your life and you're the one that has to live it. I think every BS knows when they have reached their limit and decide to pull the plug on trying any longer. No one can argue with that, as long as you understand what not doing Plan B will cost you in the long run (including the rate at which you heal). I'm glad you have an IC to help you through this, but I agree with Scotty about her cheering you on for dissing OW.

Can I ask you something though? When you were in Plan B, were you ever completely dark? I'm just curious. I never had to do Plan B (cause I didn't know about it!). Anyway.

Divorce is no picnic. The legal process has no heart or regard for "feelings", and most attorneys and Judges are just there to do their job. I can sympathize with how hard it is since I work in that field every day.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish you well.

It's meant to protect not harm. You don't know what will happen with that info, so I agree with it. I also understand your proclamation. Told you you were stronger than you thought.

Scotty, I was always told that I would be better in a month or two. I wasn't. I hurt every day that I was in Plan B. Lest you think that I'm running over to his apartment or calling him everyday, let me assure you that I am not. It is as I stated in my reply to you--I only contact him by email. The difference is, I won't run away if he appears. THIS is the thing that has empowered me. He's not my personal bogeyman any more.

I think it's been hard for me to express with words how scarily low I was after D-Day and ESPECIALLY after he filed for divorce. I'm not playing a game, I'm trying to find a way to heal. This is, believe it or not, working. It's not about the contact with him; it's about a new attitude towards him. It takes confidence when I see him to think, "You don't want this. That's okay. I don't want you." At first, I was faking it until I made it. Now I've made it. I still love him but since he doesn't want me, I have to move on. This is what my IC was applauding. I've finally started caring about me and taking care of me.

It's not that it wasn't enough. It was too much--way, way too much. For me, it seemed to prolong the pain and even make the pain worse. I was having to be strong when emotionally all I wanted to do was curl up and die. Literally.

My IC and I have discussed this at length many times. I now accept that nothing I have done made me deserve what happened to me. I also accept that whether I see him or not will not affect his decisions. I still stupidly love him, but I do not want to love him.

He knows how much he has hurt me and he did these things anyway. Had an affair. Moved out. Sued me for divorce. Continued the affair and tried to convince DS that SHE was a NICE person. Argggh!!! He KNEW how much it hurt me BUT HE DID IT ANYWAY.

I'm holding onto that idea so that I'll be able to be strong enough for the divorce. Otherwise, I'll just roll over and not get what I want or what I'm entitled to JUST BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO LIKE ME. This! This! This is the sick game I've been playing. I've always been a "nice" person and a goody-two-shoes, because it's innately who I am. I couldn't conceive that he would so deliberately hurt me. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't hurting him. See how SICK I've been?

Scotty, I've been crying all the while that I've been writing this. I don't want to lose you or peachy. I've notified the mods to give you my email. Please write soon. I, too, want to go to Scotland with you. I want to keep you because you've been a great friend and support to me.

Meggy, it really is more about pulling up stakes and moving on. I'm done with caring more about my husband than he cares about me. I'm not made of steel. He's hurting me and he knows it and doesn't care.

I believe I've already told you the answer to this. Do you want me to quote from my private email to you?


Thanks, pm. I, too, wish you well. You've provided me with support and information about the divorce process that I've found extremely helpful. I just don't understand why you felt compelled to out our private conversation by asking a question about it. Having said that, no hard feelings. I know you're a Marriage Builders advocate and I respect you for it.

I am writing this on my phone so if there are mistakes please forgive me. I don't mean to come across as uncaring or mean. I used to think that I was opinionated bur I was told once that I am passionate. I believe that passionate is more along the lines of what I am so please bear with me.

I KNOW that you can do this. I know that with all of my heart and I am sad because I know how much less you would be hurting if you had chosen a different path. You are worth so much more than this.

I don't know who told you that you would be okay in a couple of months. Could you feel less hurt in a couple of months. ABSOLUTELY!!! The thing is, depending on how hurt you were at the beginning, it might not seem like much progress. For this I am truly sad. I still feel like you could benefit from Plan B. I don't see how your argument for ANY contact with him PROVES that Plan B wouldn't be beneficial to you.

I am not telling you to go away and hide but wheb you do see your WH you only would say a polite hi and then get outta dodge. It's not about you running away with your tail between your legs. It's about controlling how you allow someone to treat you. Plan B could almost be like a wayward timeout(sorry I just had a funny image of my WH standing in a corner). If you tell a child that they are going to have consequences for something and then don't follow through, what would you be teaching them? It's the same for a wayward. If yoyr WH does come back, what have you taught him about the way you let him treat you? I know you have found some strength in letting your Taker out but you can not live by Taker alone.

I am too tired to finish answering you tonight but I hope I can answer you better tomorrow. Besides, this phone posting isn't as fun as I once thought.

HopeandGrace,

I truly am sorry you are hurting and to be totally honest with you, I had forgotten that we even had a private conversation so many months ago, much less what was said. It even took me a minute to remember who you were. These days my memory isn't what it used to be. My kids tease me all the time because I have problems with it. I hate getting older. Anyway, I wasn't trying to "out" you, I promise. I honestly just wanted to know for my own understanding.

I AM an MB advocate, no apologies there, but there was no ulterior motive on my part. I kind of think I know where this is coming from but I won't go into that here. Let's just say I've been falsely accused before and it doesn't feel very good. Okay, now I'm getting a little upset so I probably should end this here.

I hope that your life gets better. Truly.

Meggy, I'm sorry you feel I falsely accused you. I didn't intend to do that; I just didn't understand why you would ask about our private email. I live in a much smaller world than you--I mostly get advertisements, not personal emails so of course I remember it.

I still consider you a friend, not one atom less than that. I wish you all the best in your life.

Thank you.

Show me a wayward spouse who hasn't? They are in ME ME ME mode and they don't give a darn about anyone else.



Recovery(personal as well as marital) is a MARATHON not a sprint. It takes TIME.

Is there anything I can do to convince you to give Plan B another try? Your personal recovery has been given a kickstart. I believe you would benefit greatly from Plan B. All you would need to do is have someone else(an IM) send him the calendar, and stay away from him. Sliding into a bad situation happens one step at a time.

H&G, did you ever read my whole thread? Did you see how long I was struggling? I never felt so much despair in all of my life. BUT, I needed it. It changed me. I was broken down, and I was able to rebuild who I was, for real, from the inside. I took a lot of time, and it happened one step at a time(it is actually STILL happening). I owe A LOT to MB and to this forum and the people who helped me through. Maybe I am so passionate about MB because it helped me so much. I just want what is best for you. And I KNOW what heppens the other way. Think about it, k?

Indeed.
And because of your struggle to stay in Plan B, you are stronger than you even knew was possible.
And, because of your struggle and victory over your own weaknesses, you are now confident in yourself.
And, because of your confidence, you have victory over your fears.
And, because of your victory over your fears, you know you will handle whatever comes next, because you honor what is good & strong in yourself.
You dug deep.
You mined diamonds.

And, because of your hard-won-strength, you would/will make a better spouse, should Bampot ever return.
And, because of your hard-won-strength, you will be just super if Bampot never pulls his head from his buttski.

Love it!!

It's like our son's Army Boot Camp experience.
The worst obstacle course is called "Confidence Hill".

Army Boot Camp:

Our son told us that the dreaded "gas chamber" exercise was THE worst thing that they were put through.

Son said:
"Mom. I paid attention to the instructions because if you fail, then you have to turn around right there and do it again. I know I could not fail so I made sure I did exactly what they required the first time."

Pay attention. Then do it right the first time.
Make sure certain you understand what is expected required.
Make sure certain you perform what is expected required.

..... Or else, you will be re-tested.

Scotty,
I'm listening. I'm also thinking, reflecting, weighing, and praying. I'll be back soon--tonight or tomorrow.

I totally understand where you are at Hope. There comes a time, and for me, it came exactly as where you were in plan B/D and I had to deal with the impending divorce.

My complicating matter was the ow was pregnant, so I had literally zero amount of false hope that my plan B would work, but it did help ME, not the remnants of my marriage.

So I had no hope that my M could come back. Different people have different deal breakers for them, and since my wh was then so much a wh, and so awful, that I just decided to stop plan B and keep the BOUNDARIES of plan B as good as I could, and go into plan ME

So I for once QUIT worrying about what Darth did or didn't do, stopped wanting to know any nuance of my plan B and my time apart. I quit worrying about the divorce, as I was GETTING the divorce and it was going to happen as sure as the sun would rise and set.

You probably feel the same way now. And it's ok. But imho, keeping as much of a plan B is good. You NEED that distance to become healthy and regain a clear sense of who you are NOW and how you are evolving into a better version of yourself (courtesy of plan B).

I know I looked better than I had in years when I decided to finally move on. My heart was not healed, but my soul was reaching and yearning for that, and the big thing I knew was one day I would meet the right guy, when the time was right and when I was healed. I also knew I'd become an amazing wife.

I also held firm that Dr. Harleys' words were true, and yea they were, for as the 2 year mark of their unholy union arrived, they were UNHAPPY AND FIGHTING ALL THE TIME and my xwh was already cheating on his affairage wifey. The craziest thing ever was when he faked an emergency to get me to come pick up my son where he was (at the lake lot of his new playboy empire home as I called it)and then said it was all a fake, and that there was no emergency, as he just wanted to talk to me finally.

I hadn't talked really to him at all since his remarriage and the divorce. He went on and on about how he'd made a huge life mistake and then tried to ask me out. Creepy at that point, as I was so into my OWN recovery. I said nope. Didn't date married guys (how is THAT for a line? Used it on my own xwh!). I told him that WOMEN WHO DATE MARRIED MEN ARE SKANKY. (always slammin' the wistress!)

Anyhow, it was a boost for my ego that day, but I went back into being silent to him and dark. I kinda remained that way. But would endure the birthday parties or school events, just attending with my perma-smile attached, never speaking of myself there, never engaging them on any level. This went on for YEARS.

But know if he remains with dumpy, he will end up like Darth 100%. Let's hope not. Darth has since lost his job as ceo, would up in legal trouble b/c of yet ANOTHER other woman, and then got another ow pregnant (but made her have an abortion, ghastly and this is a guy who was once nominated for deacon at our church back home), and is now officially divorced from the wistress.

So yea, it is a path to destruction. But for you, a PATH TO FREEDOM AND A NEW BEAUTIFUL FUTURE! You do not know what will happen. But it is OKAY to let your wh go for now. Let him go. Let it happen. Give him to God and let HIM deal with the wayward now. In letting go, you are opening your heart! It is a point in your healing process! You are opening yourself up to a new future.

And the MB ideas you learned will make you a better person and a better spouse. I use the MB principles in my new marriage and we're amazing together! It DOES make you a life champ!

Don't quit posting at all. I will email a mod to see how to get your my private email. Don't do as I did and quit posting. Please keep on! It is important to your recovery! Others depend on seeing you as a great example, as you are inspiring others.

God gave me a beautiful future, and I asked for but one thing, that my MB help and that all I learned be used to HELP SOME OTHERS who are going thru this too. I'm always here, not here all the time, but I'll always be around

Yup that's all happened in my situation too.

Peachy, I haven't received your email address. Scotty, have you received mine?

Scotty, I am in as much of a Plan B as is healthy for me. This says it all:

I can't go to meetings sick to my soul because he'll be there. Can you imagine going to a meeting with Bampot the way you are now? You get physically ill whenever you see him--I was that way too when I had to see WH at court and at the deposition.

I have allowed chinks in my Plan B because I must inure myself to his presence. I will be further deposed and he will be there. He will be deposed and I will be there. We have to meet for mediation. I have to see him, up close, and there's no getting out of it.

Peachy understands because she's been through it all ahead of me. I don't want to be best friends with him, my life-long best-friend-forever. I don't want to be friends with him at all.

I just want to be able to do what I have to do because of his decision to file for divorce.

This is becoming a circular argument. I'm sorry you can't see that what I'm doing is best for me but I will have an emotional relapse if I go to a deposition or hearing without being able to be in the same room that he is. For the first hearing, my sister had to fly from Kansas to be with me and literally hold my hand so I didn't dissolve from the fear of being near him.

That's not healthy. Not for me, not for anyone going through a similar situation. It was a huge concern for my counselor that I was still so much in the grief cycle of recovery. Stepping out of Plan B in the small way I have has allowed me to feel anger and a teeny tiny bit of acceptance.

I'm in a good place. It took a lot of effort, but I am recovering myself, even if my marriage won't be recovered. Isn't that the optimal outcome?