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Writer, pls don't tell your daughter that H is her stepdad. HE IS HER FATHER. Period.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Originally Posted By: migsamac
Writer, pls don't tell your daughter that H is her stepdad. HE IS HER FATHER. Period.


I'd never tell her that. And he'd never let me. And she'd never believe it.

She's crazy about him. Definitely a daddy's girl. She has him wrapped around her tiny little pinky so tight I'm surprised he can breathe. This kid just can't do any wrong according to him (but then he doesn't have to spend all day at home with her either).


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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[quote=writer1I don't feel as though adoption is an accurate word for our situation. There was no legal adoption process. There was no adoption process at all. We were married when our daughter was conceived and when she was born, so in the eyes of the law, she is my husband's daughter. His name was placed on the birth certificate before we left the hospital. I just don't think "adoption" fits.

I also don't see my H as her step-father, and neither does he. He is her only father, except for biologically. He is the only father she will ever know. Traditionally, step-father is a word used for someone who becomes a father by a marriage that occurs after the child is born. That doesn't describe our situation accurately either.

You have no idea how many times I've gone around this in my head. It's like running in circles. Maybe it's hard to explain it in a way that makes sense simply because it isn't a sensible situation. [/quote]

First you use legality as an excuse, the state sees my BH as the dad.

Then you use the law again as an excuse, there was not an adoption process so my BH can't be a step dad.

What is legal quite often not the truth or what is right but just a way that disputes are resolved.

Your OC needs the truth.

Edit to add you don't have to use the term stepdad for BH. BioDad is all that is needed for OM.
As the OC grows she will understand that BH is not her BD/biodad and all that it means. That even though there was no adoption she will know the BH is her stepdad. The man that raised her. Stepdad is what label that will best fit him, for she will know there is no shared DNA.

Technically BH will be her stepdad, a thought that may put into her mind from time to time.

Reality BH will be thought of as just her dad pretty much all the time, and never called anything else.

Last edited by TheRoad; 06/23/11 05:48 AM.
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Writer1,

Perhaps in another language there would be better words, or better euphemisms.

HE IS HER FATHER. Period. And Tibet is part of China too.

There is a core of dishonesty in that statement, in that one would have to be in a state of denial or of suppressed memory or such, to accept it completely.

There was a great burden of guilt my adoptive Mother and Father carried for not telling me the truth. I found this out when they were in their 80s, when after I tracked down the details of my family they were relieved that they no longer were holding a secret from me.

I can't say the our relationship would have been better or worse, but I do think had they told the complete truth early on they would not have been triggered to guilt by me.

God Bless
Gamma

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I'm not talking about withholding the truth from her for decades. I'm talking about finding a time when she's old enough to actually understand these things and explaining them to her in a way she is capable of comprehending.

I don't think many 3-year-olds understand the concept of biology. It would be very difficult to explain it to her at that age because of that. So I agree with my H that she may be more able to comprehend that kind of thing around 7 or 8.

And I disagree about my H being her step-father. Step-fathers generally have no legal rights to a child (unless they legally adopt them, in which case they stop being a step-father). Step-fathers are not listed on the birth certificate. They generally don't share the same last name as their step-children. I know all of this because my H is the step-father to my 3 old kids. It really isn't the same situation, though they all think of him as their "dad" too since he raised them and don't have a relationship with their bio-dad.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted By: writer1
I'm not talking about withholding the truth from her for decades. I'm talking about finding a time when she's old enough to actually understand these things and explaining them to her in a way she is capable of comprehending.

I don't think many 3-year-olds understand the concept of biology. It would be very difficult to explain it to her at that age because of that. So I agree with my H that she may be more able to comprehend that kind of thing around 7 or 8.

And I disagree about my H being her step-father. Step-fathers generally have no legal rights to a child (unless they legally adopt them, in which case they stop being a step-father). Step-fathers are not listed on the birth certificate. They generally don't share the same last name as their step-children. I know all of this because my H is the step-father to my 3 old kids. It really isn't the same situation, though they all think of him as their "dad" too since he raised them and don't have a relationship with their bio-dad.


Do your older kids know the truth about OC?

I would wait until she is a little older too...7 or 8 is about right probably. So don't fret about it for now. She is only 2.

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Originally Posted By: SmilingWoman

Do your older kids know the truth about OC?

I would wait until she is a little older too...7 or 8 is about right probably. So don't fret about it for now. She is only 2.


Yes, all of my older kids know, as do all grandparents and their aunt. We don't have much close family beyond that.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Gamma LEGALLY writer's H is the father. In every sense of the word he is her DADDY.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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Originally Posted By: faithful follower
Gamma LEGALLY writer's H is the father. In every sense of the word he is her DADDY.


Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

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AMEN!!!!! I think we need to redefine the word "father" and "daddy". These titles do NOT necessarily coincide with sharing DNA. I mean, seriously, DNA is WAY overrated.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Originally Posted By: migsamac
AMEN!!!!! I think we need to redefine the word "father" and "daddy". These titles do NOT necessarily coincide with sharing DNA. I mean, seriously, DNA is WAY overrated.


Well, I know my older kids are very happy that they weren't raised by the father they share DNA with.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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i agree that now is not the time to worry about telling her. as she gets older she will talk with her friends at school and come home and ask questions. maybe not specific to her but maybe like "mom how come molly has 2 fathers?"

it will be the perfect time to start introducing age appropriate information to her

your h will always be her daddy.

here's what our little one wrote in the father's day card she gave me.

"you are the best dad in the world. i wish you could take me to school every day. i like it when you be funny, be nice and wierd. and i wish i could be with you instead of papi! i love you so much until forever."

i am sure your little angel will feel the same about your h.

and i "know" how he feels about her


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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gamma

what a shame your mother and father carried that quilt all those years.

i wonder if unlike today, that society's thought process at that time to keep all adoption information secret played a part in them keeping it all pent up for so long.


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
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now 8 grandchildren
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I think the younger the child, the better. Which of course is exactly what we have not done.

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Hey Autumn, how are things going?

How old is your OC now?


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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DNA is the least important part of parenting. You will know when the time is write due to all the other family members knowledge, don't rush it.

An as the BS of the biological DNA donor, I am NOT a step-mother. Being a step-parent involves knowing the existence of the child in the partner's life before you choose to marry them, not after.


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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excusie moi my good woman Fled.

sometimes one chooses to be the step parent (daddy) after marriage


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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Originally Posted By: pops
excusie moi my good woman Fled.

sometimes one chooses to be the step parent (daddy) after marriage


In our case at least, my H isn't legally considered a "step-parent." His name is on the birth certificate, so according to the law, he has complete parental rights, which he never had with my 3 older kids (who he was a step-parent to). OM has no rights at all. There was never even a DNA test.

In your case, I'm not sure who is listed as the father on the BC or what parental rights you have or what rights the OM has.

The term step-parent may apply more in situations where the OM is involved in the OC's life, but I don't think it applies when the BH is the only father that OC knows.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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writer here's how i see it.

in situations like yours and mine your husband (whether he is on the bc or not) is your dd's daddy. just like i am grace's daddy. period

i am not on the bc and neither is om

as far as the term step parent goes. i am technically grace's stepfather b/c i am not her biofather and i am married to her mother.


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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So, out of curiosity, I did a little searching and found this site:

http://definitions.uslegal.com/s/step-parent/

Which gives the following definition of the word step parent:

"A step parent refers to a person who has married ones parent after the death or divorce of the other parent. A spouse of the parent becomes a step parent to the child when the child is not biologically related to the person."

While my H meets the 2nd criteria for being a step parent (he isn't biologically related to our OC of course) he clearly does not meet the first, since he did not marry me after a death or divorce from the other parent. I was in fact married to my H when our OC was conceived and when she was born.

To me, it's much more similar to a child who is born through the use of a sperm donor in a case where the H might be sterile. He isn't biologically related to the child, but in every other sense of the word, he is the child's father. He has legal rights to the child that a step parent would not have. My H has all legal rights to our OC. He did not have those rights with my 3 older kids. That's why I think the situation with an OC is very different from a step parent situation.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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