Some things he can just look up for himself. For example, if he needs to know what time daycare expects him, *he* can call daycare himself and find out. Your IM can say that very nicely.

"For questions relating to daycare scheduling, I would recommend contacting the facility directly."

Actually, this specific example is NOT something he can check with daycare about on a daily basis. Pick up time varies depending on what time I drop them off, but that isn't something that the daycare director would know until at the end of every month when she goes through the time cards. Most days I drop them at about the same time, but it's different on days I work versus days I don't or if I have an appointment that affects the time I drop them off or something like that. What he was checking on was what time I would be dropping them off now that summer is here and also what days they would be attending since they don't go every day in the summer, since traditionally I've handled it all in the summer. When we were together and shared drop-off/pick-up regularly, we were always texting each other saying things like "Kids clocked in at 8:10" if the other parent was picking up so we knew what time we had to be there by. (I think he still texts my IM with his drop off times. For a while she was forwarding me his drop-off times but I finally told her I didn't need to know unless it was before a certain time and would affect pick-up.) When he asked about this summer, what I did was set a standard 30 minute window and said if I deviated and it affected pick-up time, he would be notified. I think he expected to get a text (from my IM) every day he was responsible for pick-up, sort of like old times.

I'm not sure if he's really that clueless about some of this kid stuff (it's possible, because he's done a lot of incompetent little stuff regarding the kids' care in the last few months proving how much he depended on me for guidance that I didn't realize) or if it's just his way - conscious or unconscious - of trying to keep in touch. They are what I consider stupid questions, but are actually legitimate ones if he truly doesn't know the answers. I just can't determine if it's calculated on his part (and should be ignored) or if it's something that really needs addressed. So I err on the side of caution/caring for my kids.

It drives me crazy because I'm not his partner anymore and I'm not going to teach him how to parent his own kids. However, if it's something important, I'm not going to cut off my kids' noses to spite his face, to twist a metaphor. But I do think it will fade over time because he'll run out of stuff to ask. I hope.

What do you consider important enough to share to help him parent them better?
I'm curious, not challenging it so much as wondering......

Haahaha this made me laugh out loud, really. "Sue you all!!!" So maybe my WS' behavior is still within the realm of normal, if that is an exact quote. He has lost his mind.

Came to see how you were doing Hyacinth... looks like about as well as I

It's been very busy but routine around here, so that's good. It's also been pretty quiet on the whole WH front, which is also good.

Then out of the blue I got the following email from my MIL. Wow.

First here's the background: On WH�s last weekend, he took our boys to his sister�s house for the weekend. I assume this was because he doesn�t have anywhere here to take them because the other house (that he�s supposed to move in to) is uninhabitable (I think I mentioned our tenant trashed it). (I believe based on something DS5 said about daddy living with a friend but mommy said they [my boys] can�t go there that he is living with OW). On Sunday evening at the end of his visit he dropped our boys off at my dad & stepmother�s house because it�s near to where his sister lives and because the couple who is normally our Sunday drop-off location here in our town was on vacation. Drop off did not go well. My dad had to call my cell and tell me to delay my arrival because WH was still there after fifteen minutes because the kids were hysterical and hanging on WH, begging him not to leave them, etc. Finally, after about 20 minutes of allowing the boys to work themselves up, he peeled them off and left (which he should have done the first minute they started and then it wouldn�t have been that bad). Apparently it was quite a sight. My stepmother (who is like a mother to me) was very upset because the boys were so hysterical. She said she had never seen anything like it. DS5 was still upset for about ten minutes after I got there. DS3 is younger and more resilient and calmed down more quickly.

So I got this email from my MIL:

Hi Hyacinth,

I really enjoyed having the boys up here for the weekend. Although they didn�t stay the nights with me, I saw a lot of them, and we all had a good time.

WH was quite distressed when he had to leave the two of them, crying hysterically, at your dad�s house. I wish he had just left them with me, and you could have picked them up here, but he said his directions were to leave them at your dad�s house at 7:00 PM. If you had been there, I�m sure they would have been fine. They had probably been asleep and were disoriented.

I wish you would reconsider this communication block you have imposed. I can�t see how anything of value can be accomplished by it. Two adults should be able to talk intelligently to each other without rancor, especially when it concerns the welfare of two little boys. I understand that this gives you ultimate power, but this is a major part of the problems you two have.

WH does not talk about you to us. He never has, and this is why the breakup was such a shock to me. You might say that he has nothing bad to say about you because you have done no wrong. But we both know there are two sides to every story, and since I lived with you all for several months, I believe I have some insight as to what went wrong. He is a man, but he is treated like a mouse. Marriage should be fifty-fifty. One person cannot call all the shots. WH has always been non-confrontational, but everyone has a limit.

When WH sees the boys on Wednesdays, he needs to be able to interact with them at their home. If you don�t wish to be there, that is your right, but he can only spend so long with them at McDonalds and at playgrounds in 90+ weather. He has no home right now, even though his name is on the deed, and I�m sure he pays the mortgage on the house where you are living in comparative luxury.

SIL says that you have mentioned possible bankruptcy. If money is such a factor, would it not make sense to hash things out between you, rather than resorting to communicating only through lawyers, who will take thousands of dollars from each of you�and ultimately from your sons? Not communicating may give you some peace of mind, but at what price?

You need to be able to move on with your life, as does WH. And DS5 and DS3 need to have some degree of normalcy. They need to know that both parents love them and will always put their best interests above all else. It has to be a give-and-take situation, and you two are the only ones who can make it work, putting their best interests above your own.

You have been my daughter-in-law for many years and I have always treasured the relationship we have had. I have regarded you as a friend and a well-loved member of the family. You are a great mother, and I ask you to please continue to be the best possible mother you can be to my precious grandsons. Thanks.

Love, MIL

You write back to MIL(because I honestly stopped reading her drivel)

"Dear MIL,

Thank you for your concern. I am doing what is best for my children and myself. Being exposed to adultery is harmful to children. I will not talk to WH as long as he is committing adultery. I need to do whatever I can to protect myself and my children. Please do not contact me about WH. I need to heal myself from this most horrible betrayal.

I want my children to have contact with their father and with their family. I will do what I need to to protect them, as any mother would.

Thank you

Hyacinth"

If she doesn't stop, I would Plan B her as well. I would change my email addys and phone numbers so I wouldn't be contacted anymore.

Honestly, I didn't read all of the things she wrote because I didn't need to. Be polite(knowing that everything that you say is getting back to your WH). And don't confide in her. Never show her any weakness. Think of her as your WH's spy.

Actually, I did go back and I read the whole letter. It is worse than I thought. I actually think my letter was too nice. Give it a few days and maybe someone else will have a better response to her. Pep, ML, Neak, SB, PM?

What's funny is that she is usually very reasonable and not at b-tch like that AT ALL. She winters down south and has only been in our area a few weeks. Since last fall she has been far, far away from this whole situation (except for a few days at Christmas) and I think now that she is finally confronted with her "baby boy" and his "suffering," she doesn't know how to deal with it. Of course, I've known for years that she thinks I'm an outspoken, controlling witch but up until now she's been too polite to express it to my face because there's a lot about me she likes, too. We're actually very close (well, until now we were).

This was my entire response (after discussing this with my therapist and DS5's therapist):

MIL ~

I appreciate your concern for DS5 and DS3. WH understands that he has a way to communicate with me about anything regarding our boys at any time. If you would be interested in meeting DS5's therapist and participating in a family counseling session with him, she would be glad to meet and include you. Let me know and I will make arrangements.

Love, Hyacinth

If she keeps this garbage up, I'm plan Bing her, too.

I like your response. Good work

Thumbs up here on the response you sent to her.

Most excellent response! Class act and Bravo!

You all are going to make me blush.

Thanks.

That was the most PERFECT response EVER!

Way to go Hy!

I�ve been thinking about this, although I know I shouldn�t. Back in April when I started Plan B, I exposed WH�s new A with OW#2 to MIL and explained how I would no longer have contact with WH. She really, really wanted me to stay in touch with him because, in her words, �how are you going to work anything out if you�re not talking?� I explained to her that we HAD been talking � all of January, February and March � and all it got me was more heartache and a second affair. Then, after two phone calls, I wrote her a very gentle email explaining that one of the reasons why I broke contact with WH is that it will give me the time and space to detach from him emotionally and move on and that my friends, family and therapist wholeheartedly support my decision to separate from him in this way, because it's protective and healthy.

So just for contrast, here�s the response she sent me back in April:

Hi Hyacinth ~

I received your e mail, and just want you to know I believe you are absolutely doing the right thing. You have to look after yourself and the boys, and continuing to try to set things right with WH is not accomplishing that. I wish you had done this back in December, when he first moved out. But I do admire you for trying your best to hold your family together. You can't live on a roller coaster, as you said, and those boys do deserve a peaceful, stable home. Disconnecting emotionally from WH is the only way you are going to be able to provide the haven that they need.

When I have wept about this situation, friends have comforted me by saying that God has other plans for you and WH, and that you will truly find happiness that you never imagined in another relationship. I pray that this is true. I know what a good mother you are, and how concerned you are about the boys' emotional and social adjustment. I just hope that you two can maintain a good relationship where the boys are concerned, so that they don't suffer. They need both a mother and a father, and they should never be used for either of you to gain an advantage over the other. I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, as their healthy adjustment to all this is what you desire more than anything.

I, too, wish things were different, but unfortunately we can't live our kids' lives. We can only love them and wish for the best for them. I am so fearful that one day I will get a call that WH has been involved in an accident driving drunk, or that he has cancer brought about by all the alcohol consumption. His father�s early demise was brought about, at least partially, by consuming too much alcohol, especially gin, I think. WH continues to assure me that he's not drinking much, but I don't believe him.
I love you and hope to see a lot of you and the boys this summer.

Love, MIL

Wow. What a 180 degree turn when she�s finally faced with his suffering.

It isn't a 180 so much as you are reading the support and somehow not seeing shades of the latest email.

She does not define you or guide you. Obviously, she has good intentions but doesn't understand what you are going through and you can not educate her about it.

She has been enabling drunks her entire life. You WH'S DRINKING and his depression caused by the affair is causing her internal chaos. She has to blame your Plan B because she wants to enable his pain away.

Your Plan B is doing good. He is going down. He and only he has to solve his problems.

Keep up the great work because it is working!

This was MIL's response.

Hyacinth,

I'd love to sit in on a family counseling session, but right now, [her boyfriend]�s condition is really keeping me close to home. He needs almost constant care. I get to go nowhere, except the hosp. Haven't even had [her other grandchildren who live near her] over since the first week I was here. He's back home now, but needs constant monitoring and help. Maybe he'll improve enough so I can get away a bit later. Will let you know.

Meanwhile, you completely ignored my other points. Do I take that to mean it's none of my business? Because if that's how you feel, I don't want to hear any more of your badmouthing of WH. There are two sides to every story, and your only point is that it's completely his fault and you are 100% the victim. That's no way to work anything out.

Thanks for the invitation to the counseling. Does it seem to be helping DS5?

Love, MIL

lol.

That is all I can really say to her response Hy.

Sigh.

I know! It made me laugh, too, rather than being angry. It's like she's in her very own fog. Must run in the family.

The sad part is she's going to excuse and enable his behavior instead of doling out the tough love that he needs. And when he hits rock bottom, her hand will have helped in making that mess.