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Pepperband #2520279 06/16/11 10:03 AM
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"If the truth offends, then we must offend."


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
freefall #2520281 06/16/11 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by freefall
I believe we have a better chance of making it to recovery if we both stay in the home. Plan B seems inherently more risky to me, but I have the strength and resources to do it, if necessary.

Free fall, it needs to be pointed out that your instincts about what will or won't effect recovery are probably not the best. Not that you are stupid - for the record I think you are very smart - but you don't have any experience in saving marriages. We have saved our marriages and do have experience. We also have an objective view that you don't have. Naturally, your emotions are very vulnerable and that will impede your judgement.

Those who make it here are the ones who have the ability to PUT ASIDE their emotions and follow a plan. And trust me, hope is not a plan. Folks here want to help you but we can only do that if you are able to put aside your emotions and follow an effective plan.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2524693 06/30/11 10:01 AM
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My plan has never been limited to "hope." I have done all the steps suggested in Surviving an Affair. I've moved from numb to hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

This is a summary of the steps I've taken:
1. Exposed the affair to adult children, who have also talked with their father about the A. OWH has exposed OW to her family.
2. Exposed the affair at work to the Exec. Director and WH's business partner and have asked for their support and assistance, although both are wimps and I doubt they will do anything.
3. Ascertained WH's emotional needs and doing my best to ensure they are met.

It's been 7 weeks since D-Day. While my WH says he is no longer having a physical affair, he continues to work with the OW and admits to having feelings for her. I have told him that my top two needs are that he end all contact with OW and begin an honest and open relationship with me. He refuses to leave his job or to ask OW to leave. We are at an impasse.

This morning, as a first step to initiating Plan B, I called the divorce attorney recommended to me by an attorney friend. His secretary told me that it may be 3-4 weeks before he can begin work on my case.

WH is leaving next week on a 2-week trip; I am hoping to have Plan B in place when he returns.

WH thinks I am sabotaging our marriage by not just "being in the moment" appreciating those needs he does fulfill for me, and enjoying the fun and joy. Pressing him to end contact and to have honest, open conversations with me just causes him to withdraw even more.

He says he is committed to our marriage, but I don't see him doing any of the hard work. He just wants to sweep the past under the rug and begin anew to rediscover the joy and passion in our marriage. While he expects me to change my behaviors to meet his needs, he says he is not going to change.

I've loved my WH for nearly 40 years, despite repeated betrayals, but I've grown weary with doing all the heavy lifting myself and find that my respect and love for him erode with each passing day.

Today is a sad day.


Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
freefall #2524710 06/30/11 10:37 AM
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I am sorry you are in this situation. We don't wish it on anyone.

That being said, I would still have to say that although you have implemented some of the steps outlined in SAA you are still being too nice. Women often have a problem with this since we were taught to act lady like and be nice and sweet. However, now is not the time for being sweet.

If you asked anyone who knows me, you would hear that I am very sweet. I don't swear or scream or nag ever. On D Day however, after forgiving my DH after his confession and pleas for forgiveness, I said one thing that I meant with all my heart: "do it again and you are out on your A$$". I meant every word of it. I had to draw the line on what my heart could take and that was it.

For you that line needs to being working with the OW and going away for business trips. Draw a line in the sand saying, if you want to be with me this is what it will take. That's not being mean, that is being honest. And don't write it in a letter, say it to his face. Face to face communication is best.

To encourage you, just look at my DH's (GLOVEOIL) signature line. He quotes me saying the above. It had a more profound effect on him than all the sweetness in the world.


ME: 45 FBS
FWH: GloveOil 43
D-Day 1/7/09 (A: 10/08-1/09)
DD: 16
DS: 12
Married: 19 years
In love for 24+ years and counting!
freefall #2524725 06/30/11 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by freefall
I've loved my WH for nearly 40 years, despite repeated betrayals, but I've grown weary with doing all the heavy lifting myself and find that my respect and love for him erode with each passing day.

Today is a sad day.

A man who could always count on his wife to do the "heavy lifting" has little to no marriage building muscle power.

The only way for WH to be inspired to do some weightlifter lifting himself will be when he experiences what life without you will be like.
Quote
WH thinks I am sabotaging our marriage by not just "being in the moment" appreciating those needs he does fulfill for me, and enjoying the fun and joy. Pressing him to end contact and to have honest, open conversations with me just causes him to withdraw even more.

rotflmao

He wants this: "More cake, please Mommy."

Advice:

Hold out for the following....

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right."

That's a BUYER.



Trust_Will_Come #2524726 06/30/11 11:10 AM
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It's not a case of being too nice. No one has ever accused me of that before in my life, lol! I've been quite clear that NC and Honesty are non-negociable; WH is intractable and won't comply with either, willing to sacrifice his marriage rather than make any personal sacrifice himself.

Hence, plan B.


Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
freefall #2524729 06/30/11 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by freefall
Hence, plan B.

Let's see the draft of your Plan B letter.

Pepperband #2524743 06/30/11 11:58 AM
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My beloved WH,

Together for nearly 40 years, we now find ourselves in a place I never thought we would see, life without each other.

I am truly sorry that I failed to recognize and to meet several of your important emotional needs. I have worked hard these past 2 months to become a better partner: to listen to you, to be more demonstrative of my love and respect for you, and to be the wife and lover you have been missing.

While I accept responsibility for failing to meet your needs, I do not accept the responsibility for your affairs. You alone are responsible for your decisions and actions in going outside the marriage to fulfill those needs. You alone are responsible for the pain and confusion you have caused me and our children and for the damage to your professional reputation.

I know that the pain I feel now will fade with time. I want to work with you to create a marriage that fulfills your needs and mine.

However, I cannot begin to heal, and I doubt you can either, until you are no longer in a love triangle. For you and I to have a chance, you must end all contact with OW. That means the two of you can no longer work together. One of you must leave. You may resent this, but deep down you must realize that it is necessary.

You must also begin open and honest communication with me. No more secrets. While you do not owe me love, you do owe me the truth.

No contact with OW and open and honest communication are the two non-negotiable conditions for us to have a chance at rebuildin a marriage--a passionate, loving and joyous marriage together.

We have much to build upon. We have loved one another for nearly 40 years. When I look in your face, I see the boy and the middle-aged man, and all the stages in between. I glimpse too, the old man I want by my side. I love all your faces.

You have been my cherished lover, my best friend, the one I wake beside in the middle of the night and am thankful for every day we have had together.

I love spending time with you, DWH, whether paddling a canoe, watching a movie, riding bikes, or lying in your arms. My heart brims with so many of our love stories, and I look forward to creating new memories with you, sharing joy and passion as we continue on our way together in this grand adventure that is life.

I pray with all my heart that you will join me.

your loving wife



Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
freefall #2524744 06/30/11 12:06 PM
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Just some thoughts.
Nice letter !
I especially like the "all your faces" part !!!!


Originally Posted by freefall
My beloved WH,

Together for nearly 40 years, we now find ourselves in a place I never thought we would see, life without each other.

I am truly sorry that I failed to recognize and to meet several of your important emotional needs. I have worked hard these past 2 months to become a better partner: to listen to you, to be more demonstrative of my love and respect for you, and to be the wife and lover you have been missing.

While I accept responsibility for failing to meet some of your needs, I do not accept the responsibility for your affairs. You alone are responsible for your decisions and actions in going outside the marriage to fulfill those needs. You alone are responsible for the pain and confusion you have caused me and our children and for the damage to your professional reputation.

I know that the pain I feel now will fade with time. I want to work with you to create a marriage that fulfills your needs and mine.

However, I cannot neither of us can begin to heal, and I doubt you can either, until you are no longer in a love triangle. For you and I our marriage, our family to have a chance, you must end all contact with OW. That means the two of you can no longer work together. One of you must leave. You may resent this, but deep down you must realize that it is necessary.

You must also beginI will require open and honest communication with me. No more secrets. While you do not owe me love, you do owe me the truth.

No contact with OW and open and honest communication are the two non-negotiable conditions for us to have a chance at rebuildin a marriage--a passionate, loving and joyous marriage together.

We have much to build upon. We have loved one another for nearly 40 years. When I look in your face, I see the boy and the middle-aged man, and all the stages in between. I glimpse too, the beautiful old man I want by my side. I love all your faces.

You have been my cherished lover, my best friend, the one I wake beside in the middle of the night and am thankful for every day we have had together.

I love spending time with you, DWH, whether paddling a canoe, watching a movie, riding bikes, or lying in your arms. My heart brims with so many of our love stories, and I look forward to creating new memories with you, sharing joy and passion as we continue on our way together in this grand adventure that is life.

I pray with all my heart that you will join me.

your loving wife

Pepperband #2524832 06/30/11 06:15 PM
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Thanks, PB. I will incorporate some of your suggestions in the final draft. I appreciate your help.


Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
freefall #2533896 08/07/11 11:11 AM
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Freefall, what is your status now?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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