It's been a while since I posted. Well it's happened. I have "met" a wonderful woman, and am developing a romantic interest.

A friend of mine was visiting his home town, 8 hours away and ran into an old friend of his. He had dinner with her (she has been divorced some years) and he thought that she and I should meet, possibly on facebook.

A few weeks went by and I finally got the nervous high school boy nerve to message her. She was very warm in her response and we began a dialogue, sharing our life stories. After a week or so we had our first phone conversation. We talked for 3 hours. It's hard to explain how friendliness turned to affection and affection has now progressed into romantic interest. All this has progressed in just a couple of weeks.

It has been about six months since my marriage failed. Some of you know my story of my wifes betrayal and the ensuing drama.

I have been following a path of inner discovery and healing. I have come to a place where my heart is free and I am at peace.

The connection that we have made without physically meeting seems almost too good to be true. She is intelligent, thoughtful, caring, witty, happy, loving and not to mention absolutely beautiful (as far as I can tell from her pics ).

I still cannot be divorced for at least 2 months and will likely take longer. It seems so wonderful to have this communication relationship where we are exchanging the gift of sharing deeply with each other. There is the "protection" of distance until I am unentangled with my wife.

We are considering meeting to confirm the chemistry we feel. We are both prepared to wait till the circumstances in our lives, mostly mine are settled before we look into the possibility of merging our lives, if that's direction it continues to go.

I wanted to share here and see what feedback the good people of this forum had to offer.

Thanks,

pdc - a very happy man

pdc, if I read you correctly, your marriage failed six months ago and your divorce is still two months away. Is that correct?

If so, then I would advise you to be VERY CAUTIOUS.

Number one: You are still married. On the divorce track, perhaps, but legally still a married man. Getting involved with another person while still married is called... adultery. Ya know?

Number two: Beware of "rebound relationships." The woman may be long-divorced, but you are not. There is a great temptation to jump into a new relationship to prove to yourself that "it wasn't your fault," and that you're capable of having relationships. Rebound relationships can be very devastating.

I'm happy that you're feeling at peace and resolved about your marriage. But my advice to you would be to slow things down for a while -- at least until your divorce is final.

pdc, I remember you. I have been wondering about you and how you were doing. I hope that you have had some kind of counseling after the trauma of the events surrounding your wife's situation.

I agree with Fred that you need to be cautious and be aware that this may be mostly a rebound sort of thing.

You will be happier in the long run if you wait until the divorce is final before you go any further in this or any other new relationship. If I recall correctly, you stbxw is in jail and there's no possibility of reconciliation. Even so, take your time.

Hi pdc,

I have been where you are.

About 12 months into my separation I met someone wonderful. My D was finalized about 5 months after we met. I will say that all the "drama" in my life put great strain on it. It eventually ended, do in part of what I went through and was going through and in part of her issues. Do I wish I hadn't met her? Absolutely not!

I have seen and heard many stories that the first ones never work out. The crux of the matter is that someone has to be the first.
I have been on both sides of that. I have never heard of an exception. That is just food for thought.


Also, distance. When you do want to move the relationship forward, distance is a BIG deal. I will not date someone more that 20 to 30 min from where I live. Now if you just want to have an occasional lady friend then maybe that is okay. The way you posted that does not seem to be the case. That you had a true romantic connection with this person. If this is the case you both may find the distance frustrating. That is just my opinion.

pdc, I also have wondered how you were doing, as your thread was one I kept up with. You and I are in similiar boats right now. I could have easily written your post with just a few minor changes.

I'm 20 months into a separation myself, and 'met' someone online two months ago. Talk about clicking, very much alike. That connection also seemed 'too good to be true'. Like you, I considered the distance as a form of 'protection'. Give it time, don't rush anything, and you will probably find yourself in the same place I am at now. With a very good friend, but only a friend. Believe me when I say I ran thru the gauntlets of emotions as well. It's nice after so many years to find someone who values me as I am, it is a huge moral boost, and all around just a good thing in that regard. You can learn a lot thru this relationship, but like the others, I definitely advise to slow down, and give it a LOT of time.

Rebounds are a beeacchhhh, in discussing our past lives, I've come to realize one thing. Both my marriages? Were rebounds. Sad to say they were both from the same man. That was a huge wake up call for me the day I realized that. I have finally been able to let that ghost lay to rest, and for that, I'm extremely thankful for. Got to love that good old 20/20 hindsight.

There is a saying I heard some time back.

People come into your lives for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. You never know which until they are gone.

Thanks so much for your time and thoughtful replies. They are much as I expected. I am going to take this slowly in terms of moving forward with anything like cohabitation. I understand the dynamic of the rebound. It doesn't feel to me in my heart that that is the case. I also know I could have a blind spot there.

I also am going to give this beautiful thing we have a chance. A friend of mine often says, "there is no order of difficulty in the matter of miracles".

The natural boundaries of distance and responsibilities with our children will protect us from doing anything in the near future. I will not walk away from this lovely woman without following where our paths may lead. It seems too beautiful and easy, but why wouldn't the divine provide beauty for those who seek it?

My heart is open, as is hers. Some would say we are foolish to pursue each other under the circumstances. I say we would be fools to pass up the possibility for finding a miracle a love.

Above are the musings of a heart that has become full of the joy of discovery and possibility.

Slow down or speed up...

I don't believe that is possible. Relationships move at a pace. Factors outside of your heart may dictate their pace. Distance being one of those. I just believe hearts want to move into equilibrium. This is what dictates "pace". Just my opinion.

Regardless how great things seem right now, it is always, always, ALWAYS unwise to buy the first car you test drive.

I don't agree. Not saying it is, but would you pass up perfection just based on that principle?

A human is an amazing individualistic being. To discard one based on a "rule" seems hastier than "buying" the first.

That resonates with me kayaker.

You don't have to pass over the first car you test drive either, but you have no baseline for comparison until you test drive others. I've been there. What I thought was perfection after my divorce (A year after my divorce was final, mind you) turned out to be far from it.

The odds of you stumbling across a woman who is perfect for you before your divorce is even final are incredibly against you. If you pursue this, you will likely be doing both of you a disservice.

Another interesting thing I discovered: The feelings and thoughts you are having right now that are giving you the irrational feeling that she may be "the one" are VERY similar to the thoughts and feelings that a WS has who believes they are "in love" with their AP.

Just food for thought. Even if she WERE the one, the fact that you are fresh out of a bad marriage will almost certainly destroy your relationship with her at some point. You are better off remaining friends with her for now, and seeing if anything develops after some time has passed. You have issues you don't even know about yet...and can't know about until you go through at least one "rebound"...maybe more. This rule is nearly universal.

Ummm, did you totally miss that part where this is still considered ADULTERY? Are you all going to gloss over that? It doesn't matter if others do it, it is WRONG to date while you are still legally married. What type of person dates someone who is still married? Think about that.

Sorry, but discussing "dating" while still married on a marriage builders web site is just a little nutty.

Hang on Scotland, did you actually read his thread? If I understand correctly, this is someone he is chatting to. Where is the adultery?

About a year ago a man put an arm around me when I was walking the dog and I almost died because it had been so long since I was shown any affection. Is that adultery too?

pdc, how are you doing? How are your kids? Especially the youngest boy? I've gone back thru and skimmed over a lot of your original thread, as well as this one. You have been thru the ringer, no one who is familiar with your story can deny or argue with that.

It's because of the circumstances of your marriage and how it ended that I am going to say, I hope you put the brakes on any feelings of romance or love with this relationship, at the very minimum, until after your divorce is final. I totally understand friendship with this woman, just stay clean of any romantic or love feelings that can grow.

Have you told this woman the full story of the breakdown and end of your marriage?

What you have been thru is going to take longer than a few months to heal from. Your situation is highly unusual and very devastating. It might feel like you are or have healed, but I can not imagine under the circumstances that full healing has happened this quickly. Especially if what you said in your original thread about your feelings towards your wife, are true, and I believe they were. You were married many a year after all.

pdc, do you ever have flashbacks of catching your wife? I don't like to bring that up, but I know there is an extra dose of devastation when you physically see the proof versus finding out about it. I caught my XH and my best friend in the act, and still have flashbacks at times and that has been over 30 years ago. I don't think about it often at all, more recently as I've been trying to understand more about why my two marriages failed, and both involved affairs (theirs). At six months out, I was still when I thought of it.


You know the old saying about 'too good to be true' usually is, I'm sure. Are you still seeking counseling pdc? What does your counselor say about all this?

Honestly, I'm also concerned on the effects this will have on your son as well, finding someone so soon after that situation, and especially with your attempt at making your marriage work. That in itself has to be confusing to him. I know it would be to me. Please think about how this will affect him also when and if you and this woman move forward.

Do you or your children go to visit your wife at all?




Lied_to, I do agree with both Fred and Scotland, pdc is in what is considered an Emotional Affair. No, it is technically not adultery at this point. But it is still an EA while married, which goes against MB principles. I don't know if you have read his full original post, it is a very unusual situation. Scotland makes some good points here.

I'll comment more when I have time. I am definitely in an emotional affair. I don't have a problem with it under the conditions.

You wrote the following on March 24,2011.
Just shy of 15 weeks ago.


You are in a rebound relationship.

How do you "walk away" from a 26 year relationship?
You find a replacement EN-filler right away, and "fall in love".

I am not making a proclaimation of moral rightness or wrongness.
I am simply stating a fact.
You ARE in a rebound relationship.
Don't bother to argue otherwise.
No matter what your "feelings" are telling you.

This is not a smart move on your part.
This rebound relationship you are using to escape from your grief, is not a step in your personal healing.
A brand new relationship that seems so perfect is a mask over your grief.

Is this new woman rebound relationship something that will be helpful for any of your 5 children?



Knowing Dad has "walked away" so quickly with a new woman will NOT help YOUR children heal their terrible grief.

Think about that.

LINK to quote

PS
I wish you nothing but good things in your life.
Has your WW been tried or sentenced for her crime?

Apologies all round, I just read pdc's original thread and understand why you wrote what you wrote. I am in tears over his tragic story.

I have become very sensitive on the subject of what constitutes ok and not ok behaviour whilst separated as my STBX has now appealed to the supreme court to drag out our divorce which has already been going on for three years. I have long since let go emotionally and it is driving me crazy that he has this control over me now after his affairs for 18 of the 30 years we were married.

I can't get behind married people "dating." It IS still adultery. And it has NOTHING to do with the other spouse. It is about YOU. It is about how adultery changes the person whom acts on it. Do I know people who are dating others after their spouse left them? Sure. Do I agree with it? HECK NO.

It is also a slippery slope when we start to say that certain adultery is okay. True, in the "real" world, and for most of us BEFORE we found MB, it is different. This ISN'T that world though. We KNOW different here. The stats are the way that they are.

I have made mistakes in my life as well, my WH and I lived together before we were married. The chances of a marriage like that surviving are slime. Had I to do it over again, I would have changed what I did. I will NOT date while I am still married. I won't condone it on this site either.

Sorry, I am passionate about what I believe in.

I understand that it goes against some peoples' religious beliefs, but how does living together before marriage increase the chances of divorce? I mean really...is there even ONE practical reason not to?

Also, what is living together? Is it only official when you fill out your change of address card at the post office? What if you only spend one night a week together? 2? 3?

The "living together is bad" statement is a myth. If not doing so agrees with your personal beliefs, fine...but to issue a blanket statement like "the chances of a marriage like that surviving are slim" is nonsense...as if your address prior to the wedding has anything to do with the problems in your marriage now.