Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Absolutely, Cat...good point...my mother was just controlling and here there and everywhere, I never knew which end was up, nothing she did was logical (and wont even go into how irrational she was).

I am not going to boss DS around just to have control "I am the boss"....That is a great way for me to look at it when I have to tell him no...in the long run its for his own well being...Thanks Cat..


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 2,390
Still,

Just reading some threads this morning and came upon a post from you to (I think) Aetna. Just wanted to comment on how great you seem to be doing these days. I am glad to see it.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Thank you, Chai...You are so sweet grin..I hope you are doing good as well. We tough cookies! hug


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
I havent posted in a while on my thread...this is more a vent or...maybe I just want someone to tell me I am not crazy as I texted my WH and....well I start to be persuaded by his crap...

I do talk to my WH now, but just minimally and about DS usu..NOTHING about anything personal...

anyway...everything has been status quo for a while now...my WH has his days to see DS and I have mine...there have been no problems with that at all...my WH sees DS alone, he lives with my MIL now...DS has not been exposed to OW as I told him I would take him to court and fight till the death for my DS not to be exposed to her...

We are not divorced not even separated and since things are status quo and I am no where near ready to date...I have just been riding along, in pain...but making it and DS is doing well.

Well, to the point now....My son the other day told me that WH asked him go go away with him and his OW.....DS said he was kind of in shock at the time and didnt know what to say...Now needless to say my blood pressure hit the roof....but I calmy asked him what he wanted to do...DS said he did not want to go with OW anywhere, ever....

So I texted my WH and said DS didnt want to go with him and OW...and that I thought it inappropriate to even ask him at all....well needless to say nasty texts started coming my way....

WH..text..."well other people were going like her sister so he didnt feel it was inappropriate."

ME..text.."He was upset with you asking him to do this and wanted to tell you himself but I said I would tell you...Dont make him feel bad...he is doing well with how things are going...lets keep it this way....for his sake...He just needs time with you, not time with you and your mistress...

Well Wh went on to say that he feels DS should be part of his life and that means spending time with the people that WH are with..That I was the one that influenced him to feel this way about OW and that I was immature to make a child carry a grudge and hate another person...that that is a heavy burden for a child...


UGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I said he hates OW because she helped destroy his family. And that it is unforunate that DS has to live with the bad decisions that he made..it is a heavy burden that he put on our DS...

WH replied that that is my take on what happened..and he is not gonna argue that point because I couldnt see it any other way but my own interpretation.....UGHHHHHHH!!!

MY INTERPRETATION!!!!!!!WHAT?!!!! ITS FACT! He had a two year affair and after I found out he left his family to be with OW....FACT!!!!!


I am just so maaaddd...why do waywards think the children have to take part in their scummy affairs .....Does he want him to go to work with him and meet his coworkers too!!!!! I mean thats part of his life tooo!!!! How selfish and ridiculous!!!


Okay I guess I just needed to vent...thanks for listening>


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,769
Still,
I know you need to vent, this stuff is very hard and it is only natural you want to protect your 9 year old. He is too young to be exposed so such ugliness.
However, here is what i think.
YOu need to have an IM.
If you want to look after you and your health you need an IM.
If you want to R your M you need an IM
If you want to stop making the OW look good and you sounding like a B@ch to your WH you need an IM (because that is what he thinks of you when you have those exchanges with him, he thinks it is all your fault and that makes you the enemy and strengthens the A)
This A has been going on way too long. It is time to pull the drama out of it and let the 2 unfaithfools deal with eachother.
You, in the picture defending your son and getting angry does not help the A die
It makes you the enemy and they band together against you. YOu are the fuel.
If need be you need to go thru legal ways to protect your son but not by contacting your WH directly about him
Keep your original word to WH that if he imposes OW on DS you will bust his behind legally.
Stop hurting yourself and empowering the A.
Blessing


atena
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
You are right...I think I have just given up on R...too much time has past...too much pain...but for my own sanity...I just thought I could deal with it...but I guess I really cant...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Plan B dark as night. And not even about marital recovery but for removal of abuse.

(((((Still)))))


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Okay...I guess I am just not good for going dark....my WH again pushed a date with DS and OW...and son refused....DS was very angry and instead of stayin with WH like he was supposed, he asked to come home....

When he came home he started crying and sayin that WH keeps asking him to do things with OW and he doesnt want too....it was a long nite with texts betw me and WH...DS refused to talk to him about it and told me to tell his father that he is stressing him out...this is my precious little 10 year old//

Long story short I called WH and told him the things DS was saying to me...like that if his father wants to be with his girlfriend during his time with him,then he will never speak to him again...etc...etc...

I told WH he was hurting his son....and now WH is saying that DS is too young to make these decisions for himself and that he is going to make son spend time with OW and him....against my sons will....my son is begging me to protect against having to spend time with OW...

WH is saying that I am influencing my sons decisions...and that DS is only doing it because he feels he is protecting me...if that is true, is that such a bad thing? I mean goodness, gracious...am I just beside myself...

I know I have to speak to a lawyer now...but do you guys think I can keep son away from OW...WH says I cannot...but we are still married and it is DS who is saying he doesnt want to be with OW....Should I stay married to him so I have more say and drag out a divorce which I dont want anyway....can I ask for full custody if we arent even legally separated...do I need a divorce for that...

I mean who is benefitting from DS being forced against his will to spend time with OW...Not DS....it is for WH and DS...IDK, do you thing I really in the end will just have no say in the matter?....am I fighting a losing battle?

I just cant believe he has so little respect for me and ds that he does not care about either of our feelings...I just cannot believe it....I dont know who this man is who makes his son cry....DS was doing so well...the set up was good...alone time with mom and alone time with dad...why would he want to screw with that for his own benefit...

I was just crying all day because DS is trusting that I can do something to keep ow away...and it is breaking my heart...I didnt want this fight....I loved that DS was spending alone time with WH...This just will never end....

Last edited by stillhere8126; 07/01/11 06:46 PM. Reason: oh who knows

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Stillhere,

I am a tax attorney in Michigan so I'm not qualified to tell you what to do. I've read enough on these boards the last few years to tell you that the answers to your questions really can't be answered here. Your attorney in your state should be able to help you.

See these situations can go many different ways even from city to city and judge to judge. Many states and judges care about exposure to OW/OM whereas a FEW others (likely wayward judges themselves) are just as likely to want to punish you and give credence to your husband's argument that you are alienating his child. You have to consult with your attorney to figure out your best angles to maximize the chances that you CAN actually get a order forbidding exposure of OW to your son while at the same time not giving the appearance you are being vindictive and bitter. The reason you don't want your son exposed to the OW is because you truly are looking out for his best interests. He is fully aware of OW's role in destroying his family and has no interest in a relationship with her. This is NOT being done to victimize your wayward husband, who you would really like to reconcile with (being open to reconciliation is usually pretty good evidence that you are truly alienating the boys father). Remember...his claim (that his lawyer may someday argue) is that you are alienating him....alienating his mistress is not a legal claim.

You MAY have to actually file a claim to enforce anything. Right now you and your husband have 100% custody of your son to take him anywhere and introduce him to anyone. If your husband forces the issue and introduces the OW to your son (and son goes nuts) you MAY consider filing for temporary child custody order (which sets out the temporary visitation arrangement and schedule and includes an order forbidding WH from exposing OW to son or forbidding him from having female unrelated guests during visitation ...whatever you can get in your state). In the alternative, maybe a restraining order against OW (as you can bet she's the one really pushing your husband not to be a wimp and allow you and your son to treat her like the pariah/tramp she is).

It gets tough from there. I've seen situations where there is an order disallowing contact and, guess what, OW shows up "accidentally" whereever WH goes out in public. The divorce case gets filed and throughout the process you spend all sorts of time, money and effort trying to enforce the order only to have the judge/court not care that much. Divorce court is so expensive you end up settling the case and if you force the issue too much, WH just ends up marrying the wh0re (because orders forbidding exposure of children END once the paramours marry). It matters too how good his attorney ends up being and how much fight your husband has in him.

I know you've got a long way to go before all that (you haven't even filed for divorce) but just wanted you to know that we've seen these situations before and some go great (judge is strict and doesn't put up with anything) and other times it's a nightmare for the betrayed wife.

I don't envy your position. OW will likely force herself upon your son at some point no matter what you do and your WH is so stuck in her visegrip personals to know what's really going on. I just noticed he moved out THREE years ago...WOW...you've got to be pretty done with plan B now. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that it may be time to file and see if that just happens to change something...if not, I'd say it's time for you to get on with your life. Your call.

Mr. Wondering

Last edited by MrWondering; 07/01/11 10:36 PM.

FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Thank you for taking the time to respon Mr W....I really appreciate the time and thought you put into your post....

Yes, I am really pretty done with Plan B for R....your answer is pretty much what I figured...thank you so much...

I think I am seriously considering filing.....I mean its a lose lose for me anyway....and at least this way I can just be done with it...I think it is inevitable at this point anyway....Oh well...It will never end.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
The only way to light is by undertaking an effort. Complacency may feel comfortable sometimes but you've got a lot of living left to do.

with or without him...you'll be fine. I know your son with suffer and have struggles. The consequences of his father's actions are unavoidable, but YOU matter too and you can't fix it yourself.

Both you AND your son will be better off having it done.

Mr. W

ps - having not been there myself, thank God, I wonder how you should be handling things. Hopefully those that have been at the end of plan b and beginning of plan d can chime in. Remember their are quite a few experienced successful MB'ers (success isn't only recovery) on the divorced forum too.


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Good point Mr W....thanks again...I knew things were going too smoothly lately...I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and sure enough....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
Originally Posted By: stillhere8126

I think I am seriously considering filing.....I mean its a lose lose for me anyway....and at least this way I can just be done with it...I think it is inevitable at this point anyway....Oh well...It will never end.


Hey Still

Your right it is a lose lose.

You came on the board about the same time as I did. At one point last winter I read your whole thread.

I know you have done about all a person could do to try to save their M and get along with a WH and child exchanges.

Some waywards just stay waywards. As much as we want our loved one back the way they were-the person we fell in love with- its not in His master plan for life.

You have to decide when enough is enough and quite frankly when I truely decided it was enough and no longer tried (filed) a sense of peace came to me. At least I knew there was an end point out there in the near future.

I set the end point out there for myself. For personal recovery from all the cr@p my WW seemed to send my way and then tried to blame me for.

You will know within yourself when it is time.

Just wanted to send you a hug

nESRE


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Thanks nesre....I need the hugs right now...and I am glad you finally got your peace...I hope that will come to me soon also...I havent had that for a while...


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
I want to ask you to seriously think about something. How is going into Plan B going to improve your life? How would going into Plan B negatively effect your life? Hash it out here, and let's discuss.

I don't know if you are going to be able to keep OW away from your son or not, but what I would do is tell your son that you are going to do your best.

I also agree that it is time for you to contact an attorney. They will be able to tell you what you can and can not do.

Take care Stilly


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
I know....I definitely think that R is out now....I have no Patience for an IM when I am soooo angry....but then at the time I am not thinking that he is gonna get angry back and spew his venom too...and then that upsets me and it is just an angry text contest between us...

But then I get so angry that maybe its good?...IDK....I am just a complete mess right now...completely....and now I am overwhelmed with this feeling that this is my life now, for the rest of it....pain, pain, pain...with small periods of being able to relax, but always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I dont care if I get a divorce...i wonder if it will help my chances of keeping ow away...why didnt WH just start the process? Why do I have to?....Its like I cant live like this, but I have to for my boy...and I cant even protect him...I feel so helpless...I know my WH will get his way. So do I even feel like fighting? Should I just forget about it? I have to pay for a lawyer that I have no idea where I gonna get the money from? I have none! I hate my life!


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
My icemaker spontaneously start working today? after not working for a year> Haaaaaa...I guess good things are happening, life could be looking up for me... sigh FAT CHANCE!


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
I know the feeling. You still have fight in you yet.

And Plan B CAN help you get that peace you are searching for.

When I first arrived here, I felt like I was drowning. I was a real mess. I Plan A'd(which was hard as heck) and then I went into Plan B. I think I was only sure of it because I felt the need to get out of where I was. That is why I suggest it to so many. I want to help you get out of where you are and I KNOW that Plan b is the way to get that, for you.

Regardless if there is a chance to save your marriage, there is still a chance to save yourself.

Look at yourself honestly and ask WHY you won't stop communicating with your WH directly? It harms you, so why continue? What do YOU get out of it? Do you enjoy the drama? Does it make you feel like in some way, you are still connected? What is it?

Sorry, but personal recovery is also hard work. You just need to look at yourself. laugh


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Originally Posted By: stillhere8126
I hate my life!



That's what I mean...


It's time for a change. THIS time in your life has run it's course. It won't be fun or pretty extracting yourself from it and there will likely be days you long for the comfort of inaction but better days are ahead.

plenty of people get divorced that can't afford it. You'll overcome it and you'll accomplish it.

You can do it. You will do it and you will make it.

Mr. W

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Yeah...May be in some sick way, its for me to stay in touch with him....IDK....after all of the fighting this past few days...I actually texted my WH that the fridge starting making ice...he is the one that did everything to try to get it to work last year and I thought he would get a kick out of it...he did...he texted me back..

Its almost like we both have alternate personalities....I myself know that I separate the good guy from the bad guy...like the person I texted this morning about the ice...is not the same person that I fought with the past two days.....I dont know if that is my coping mechanism or what? IDK...

For me I did do a good Plan B for a while, but I just cant let go...its sick.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Page 5 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 32 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5