If you can legally move back to that home, I would strongly suggest you do that. That is for 2 reasons. The first is that you cant save a marriage if you aren't there and you can't bust up his affair if you arent there. Say you were able to get the goods now, it wouldn't help you much if you don't live together. You can't ever recover the marriage if you don't live together.

Could the police remove you from the MARITAL HOME? And if you do this, I would certainly NOT give him any warning. I half suspect when you arrive you might find him living with someone else, though. I would have a plan B in place if that is the case.

In the US, there is no way the police would remove you from that home without cause since you are his wife. That is considered the marital home.

And DON'T count on an attorney to give you an answer to this. They are only interested in the path of least resistence. I would ask the police - in another city!

Caracal, the friend part of it is where I went wrong the first year after separation with my stbxwh. The only way to heal is without contact. I tried the 'friendly divorce' route and it blew up in my face. It's been close to 7 months where the only words exchanged between my stbxwh and I have been basically three heated exchanges about custody of our daughter in the last couple weeks or so. Our divorce is turning ugly fast.

The thought of talking to him about his day or the weather makes my skin crawl at this point. No, we will never be 'friends' again. I don't hate him, but neither do I like him.

It wasn't until I refused to talk to him at all, that I was able to really start to heal. Since you are still trying and have the different continents to deal with, I honestly don't have a clue what to say.

Same thing about the books, I doubt they would be well received to be honest from what I am reading.

I definitely wish you the best in whatever road you choose to take. I'll keep an eye out here to see how you are doing.

Well, you were all right, you are experts in spotting an affair. I just spoke with a friend not five minutes ago, who was too honest to be able to lie but also did not want to breach my husband's trust. But he did not deny there is an affair going on, and also other lies about who he has been going out with. I am in shock, am furious to think that my husband has been blaming me for all of the reasons our marriage failed and taking no responsibility himself! But I need more evidence to expose this affair, right now I don't even know who it is with although friend heavily indicated it was with someone on estate. I asked friend if he could give me any info so I could hire PI, but he was very reluctant to get further involved and to be fair I am so grateful for what little he did say. So how can I get my evidence??? Friend said it would be very hard to get PI on case so I think most of it is going on on estate. Do I dare to show up announced? I knowonly I can answer this. I just can't believe it...

Cara,

I think it is likely the friend that talked to you will also tell your husband that you are starting to suspect something is going on. If you want to save your marriage, my advice would be to hop a plane for a visit as soon as possible. Surprise him - the sooner, the better. Find out exactly who and what you are dealing with.

Regarding moving, it is very tough to recover a marriage when not living in the same location. In my case, it took three months for my husband to leave his work site and return home. Upon discovery, my H nearly had me convinced that he should continue working where he was and that he and OW would only have professional contact. Thankfully, I was reading heavily MB materials and how to break up an affair. It was still very tough to get the marriage back on track, but I think it would have been impossible if we had still been living in two different cities.

AM

I realise this, but just don't know if I have it in me to fight now... guess I am shell shocked. Am going to post our conversation in the coming minutes, it may help me sort through thoughts in my head. I think it will be some sleeping tablets tonight!

Okay, so I have discovered from friend the strong likelihood of affair although no details about it other then hints it is happening on estate with colleague. Friend also advised that a night out that hubby had said was only with this friend and his wife involved a female colleague who I have not met (she works on seperate part of estate). Why should hubby lie if there is nothing to hide? Mmmmm... Friend advised me to ring his wife who may not feel so conflicted about divulging information, I have tried but so far no luck. Have text her to ask as after 18 years of relationship I feel I have a right to truth. Who knows how she will respond?

So husband rings, right after this conversation. Whilst we were talking his work phone rang and I suspect this may have been friend trying to clue him in so armymama is probably right about that. I lost it with husband, although respect the friend too much to divulge what he implied. Instead I pretty much used every LB; SD (I feel you need to return to Australia to work on our marriage, etc), DJ (What sort of person are you to do this to someone you have shared your life with?), AO (I actually hung up on him at one point and he rang back), Dishonesty (I received some bad news today which is why I am upset)although I think I may have avoided annoying habit and IB. I am ashamed to admit it and so deeply regret one of my SD's was implied threat of suicide. As soon as I said it I regretted it, and apologised as I know this is not the right way to deal with things, is sooo manipulative and it is not something I would ever want to put my family through, but I am not thiking 100% rationally at the moment. He was rightly furious about that, at least he recognises that this is not typical of my behaviour. I promised him that I would not act silly as I do feel guilty that he may be over there worrying about me, that is not fair on anyone, especially him as he recently lost a family member to suicide so I was definitely button pushing. My wonderful friend who has recovered from having an EA said her husband also threatened this at one point, so I do not feel like I am the only one who can behave badly and can only move on from it and not repeat it.

Anyway, hubby remained adamant it was over, was only ringing as he just got my voicemail from two days ago. The sad thing is that my voicemail was to check he was okay as I have been worried about his mental health having heard from his family that he is bottling things up, not talking to anyone and acting out of character. I really pressed him on telling the truth, stating I feel he has and still is being dishonest about things, has given mixed messages, etc, but it got me nowhere At one point he did say that he was going to enjoy his freedom after I questioned him on whether he had any inappropriate feelings for someone else, but he quickly reigned that back in and was all about denial, denial, denial, there is noone else, I am not going to rush into sex or relationship. etc so much so that I started to doubt affair again as I have so little evidence. But I am not that stupid or naive anymore. I expressed all of my suspicions based on what my friend who has had EA told me, and said I recognise the signs, but it got me nowhere, and I know with hindsight I should not have said anything but too late now. I did manage to get out that I still want to salvage our relationship and believe we still have a lot of potential, but it is falling on deaf ears as he is too caught up in deceit and the OW.

I really am feeling there is nothing left to salvage, between the two of us we have destroyed the relationship, which is what he told me as well. And to go over for a suprise visit with no support, and being in a new job here... I just don't know. He says he is happy, should I just give up? Armymama, how did you perservere?

Well, what do you want to do? If you decide to divorce him and stay where you have a job and support, no one would fault you. You don't have children and you are still young. Dr. Harley has always said that if he found his wife in an affair, he would never speak with her again. Of course, he has never had to deal with an affair in his own marriage. I had always said that I would divorce my husband if he ever had an affair. That's not what I did though.

If you decide you want to try to recover the marriage, the advice is the same as above. Find out who/what you are dealing with. Expose the affair to those that can exert influence to end it - his/her workplace, his/her family and friends. His denials indicate that he knows he is doing something wrong. His bringing OW on a date with your friends shows that he is not all that ashamed.

Stop lovebusting over the phone. It just gives your H increased justification in his own mind to carry-on with his affair.

How did I persevere? One day at a time. Lots of reading here and application of what I read. Often imperfect application.


AM

I agree with everything armymama said. No one would fault you for walking away.

Caracal, a couple of things stand out to me.

I would call this friend's wife and get as much information from her as possible. Find out the OW's name. Your H's friend who is teasing you with half the information is an as*hole and a coward. You deserve to know this information and he is withholding it from you. Any decent person would tell you.

I would try and find out who the OW is and expose the affair. Even contact her.

Your H seems to be under the impression that adultery is not adultery if he says "it is over" and if you are separated. Married is married and he is committing adultery.

Secondly, please do not beat up yourself for your strong reaction. An affair is as traumatic as rape, physical assualt or the death of a child. When people are raped they sometimes lash at their rapist. Wouldn't that be a normal reaction? So please give yourself a break! This is probably the worst thing that has happened to you.

Cara,

Mel is right. Actually, she is almost always right about everything regarding MB and surviving an affair. An affair is very traumatic and is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. And I had a strong reaction as well. At one point, I called my H a "gaslighting POS" and hung up the phone on him. I had never called him anything like that in our previous 26 years of marriage. I didn't mean to suggest in my previous post that you are not justified in your reaction.

Hopefully, friend's wife will fill you in soon.

AM

Caracel, armymama is absolutely right about this. While we understand why you would lash out, it does not help you one bit. It just gives him justification to carry on the affair. Come and vent to US instead of him.

Seriously, thank you for your support at this time. As you can tell, it is a sleepless night for me even with sleeping tablets, 3:30am here. I am still undecided about what to do, but if I do go over to try to bust affair open, how do you suggest I go about it... front up for two weeks to gather evidence, expose and then ask for him to return to Australia to work on relationship... when refused (which I believe I would be given his affair can continue relatively unhindered by family remaining back in Australia) launch Plan B of no contact?

Spoke with friends wife and even less information... she indicated she did not know what was going on, but when I asked who went out with her and husband on night out before our seperation she said she could not even answer if anyone did go out and that was something I should ask my husband about. I explained my husband did not feel like sharing that information with me and what would she do in my situation, she could not answer and actually apologised. You soon learn who friends are, this woman sadly miscarried just before I left UK and I babysat her daughter whilst she was at hospital.

I don't seem to have enough info yet to expose from Australia, which would be my preferred option (I think, thoughts still swinging wildly). Or do I? I know that he went out with a female that he has denied going out with, and I believe her to be a horse groomer on the estate. Mmmm, even reading that back I see that it is very flimsy evidence!

Caracel, can you take a week off and just go there and surprise him? See, I would go there, surprise him and get the truth. Expose the affair wide and far and THEN make a decision about your next steps.

Your "friend" is a scumbag. What kind of a person would not warn someone when they were being destroyed behind their back? ugh....

Cara,

If you decide you want to save the marriage, I concur with Mel. Take a week of emergency vacation, travel to UK and surprise your husband. Find out what is going on and with whom. By now, your "friends" (not YOUR friends - maybe loyal to your husband, certainly not supporters of your marriage) have let your H know that you are suspicious. You won't get any more information our of any of them. So go there and see for yourself what is happening. Expose to everyone and then decide what to do next.

If you decide to stay where you are and simply divorce your H, no one could fault you. Can you think clearly enough about what you want? It is very difficult to think clearly after a shock and the stress that follows. I have no idea what I was doing for several weeks right after D-day. We have a son who was 14 at the time and I have no recollection of getting him fed, to school, even talking much to him at the time. I do know at some point, when I was seeing an IC, the IC had me write a checklist that included eating daily.

In any case, we are here and can support you no matter what you decide to do at this point.

AM

It has been a rough couple of days, but guess most of you here would know how that feels. I hate to think it, but I feel I have to try and move on. Going back to UK to confront, I just don't think I have it in me, I am not a person who handles conflict well. And there is always the chance even if I went, that husband would be able to hide it all whilst I was there so I would still not get my answers.

I rang him this morning and laid my cards on the table, he knew I had been in touch with friend anyway, so was well prepped. I have to give it to him, he is very good, during conversation almost had me convinced. I avoided LB's (I think) and conversation did not go too badly. He is stating that he has been out with OW once since his return to UK, and that prior to that he did not have any feelings for her other then as friend but now he feels there may be a spark but he is not going to rush anything. Almost makes me sick writing this. I asked how in three weeks since being back he has progressed from no feelings, to spark, to dating, and wasn't that all quite quick? I told him that I believed at the very least he had been involved in emotional affair and was denying it to me, everyone, possibly even himself. He does not agree with this, is justifying his every action and annoyed that everyone on the estate is gossiping about him even though he admits that if he were in their shoes he would be doing the same! He reiterated that to him our relationship is totally over, he has no doubts about this and the four days prior to his leaving was simply "pressure" from others. He said he knows I want to keep trying, but I interupted and said that I was no longer so sure of this given he was already "dating" and that seemed to stop him for a minute.

So now my question is, can I implement Plan B without exposure? I know my chances of Plan B working are slim without exposure, but I also want to try to start moving on with my life and I can't do this with continued contact as stupidly, I start to hope things will work for us even though logically I can see they won't. Thoughts on Plan B?

Who is the OW? What is her name? Did you get that?

And I would expose with what you have. Your H has admitted his adultery. Get her name, tell folks that you have discovered the reason he wants the divorce is because of his affair with XXX. [I ASSURE you this is the truth so don't worry about it] Spread this around to his family and tell them also that he is denying it but his "friends" say otherwise. Your H has already admitted he is dating her, but is lying about when it started.

This will ruin the future of their affair if the OW knows that his family KNOWS about the affair.

I would also contact the OW directly and tell her that you know about the affair and have informed his family and friends.

Put them on the defensive and put them in a position to have to make excuses and tell lies. That will cause great conflict in the affair.

Then sit back and DON'T go into Plan B for now. You have a real strong ability to attract him and I would continue to do that for awhile from afar. Be as pleasant and attractive as possible while his affair crumbles. [and it will]


I would continue to stay very non-committal so he doesn't view you as Option #2.

Cara,

Follow Mel's advice and expose as she posts above. It is spot on.

Your H is in an affair and the people on the estate know it and that is why they are gossiping. It is obvious that your friends already know. It is good to let them know you are outraged and that their keeping H's sleazy secret means they are no friends to your marriage. I would remind friend wife of your loyalty to her when she was in the hospital.

Expose to his and her family. Kill his little fantasy that what he is doing is all right.

Cara, I guess I am much more confrontational than you are.

AM

Caracal, to you.


I pulled that out of one of you posts then kept reading, and see now where he admits there is a OW. I was going to say when I saw this, my stbxwh said the same thing, and it wasn't long after, I found out about TWO CA/EAs that were ongoing at the SAME time, and for 3 months on one, prior to the moment he said this. They all lie about this crap it seems.

Don't worry about your initial contact with him after finding out. It's one heck of a shock to the system when you find out info like that. It HURTS. Suspicion is one thing, proof? Wow, totally different. As many D-Days as there have been for me, they did not get any easier.

My only advice now, is cover your finances. If accounts are joint, make sure he can't clean them out or run them sky high on bills. Take it one day at a time. IF he says he wants to try again, but he is not willing to come back to where you are, at the very bare minimum, on top of all the rest of plan B stuff, he's not worth having. Going to where he is would just further his chances of continuing and leave you without your support network.

I did smile when you said he was annoyed that everyone on the estate is gossiping about him. Good. Nothing like finding out the WS is the subject of gossip. I hope he gets an earful about his conduct, and exposing would just help that along. If you decide there is a chance, you will have to expose.



Wishing you the best.

I think you hit on a very good point here with MANY of us BS's. For whatever reasons, we don't have the fighting spirit, either never did as it's just not who we are, or just ran out of it when it's needed. Not sure.

Making waves sometimes is the hardest thing we can do. Sometimes, it's impossible until pushed to the breaking point.