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No, I can't get the name. I text the mutual friend with a lot of guilt trip involved but got no response. And I asked husband today this morning but he refused to tell as he can't see the point and feels I am looking for answers that don't exist. I must admit, I am having massive doubts myself about my own judgement, questioning if I am looking for things that don't exist as I still don't have any direct evidence, all just my perception. But that is what he would want me to be doing, isn't it?

I intend to expose to immediate family, friends (including the "friends" in London in effort to really launch guilt on them, and possibly uncles and aunts whom I know he really respects. Work colleaguse seem to all know and I don't have many of their details anyway. My worry is that he is able to carry on in UK with little consequence as all the influences are in Australia. His sisters have indicated he is not contacting them in the past three weeks, though they have occasionally gotten hold of him. Running away from the consequences?

I contacted on of his trusted sisters today and she is starting to be very suspicious as well (although always acted suspect anyway, actually telling me she asked him outright whilst he was in Australia but his response was "wouldn't that make things easier?") She intends to follow up with another sister to try to piece anything together, any hints / clues he may have dropped, but it is unlikely has he has it pretty sewn up. Actually, I will also ring the other sister, as she has been badgering him already to get back with me, so it can't hurt! I hope my exposure will not offend them as I greatly respect his sisters and they are from Catholic background.

I have to admire you for it armymama, wish I had it in me. Maybe if I had someone for moral support in London, but it would likely end up with the estate vs me at this point! I am actually going to be pretty proud of myself if I pull the exposure off!

Cara,

All any of us can do is whatever our best is. You can pull off the exposure. Exposure does more than initiate a guilt trip. Mel talks about it as "turning the light on in the crack house". Suddenly, it is not near as an attractive place to be.

Don't doubt yourself. Waywards are very manipulative and lie massively. The term for this is "gaslighting" and comes from a 1950's Alfred Hitchcock movie, in which the husband has the wife believing all sorts of things that were not happening. Goggle gaslighting and you will see what we mean.

My husband tried telling me all kinds of stuff and I almost believed some of it. Had I not been reading on this site, I never would have gotten the truth and who knows what would be happening now.

AM

Right, he wants you to question your own judgement. But the fact of the matter is that he already admitted he is having an affair. He told you he is seeing someone and you are still married. That is adultery. He is just lying about when it started. The identity of the OW is information to which you are rightfully entitled because this is your husband. You have a RIGHT to this information and I would keep trying to get it. And yes, the answer you seek DOES EXIST: the name of the OW. She has your name, and you have a right to know the name of the woman who is having an adulterous affair with your husband. He OWES you this information.

Can anyone give me a link or some advice on how to word exposure email... I am unsure how much content needs to be included as much of my version is based on my suspicions with little evidence of when affair started... I think family / friends will view him as acting well by seperating prior to commencing affair although we all know otherwise!

Caracal, I would word it something like this:

Dear friends and family, I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Joe and I. As some of you know, Joe has recently asked me for a divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I have discovered that the reason is because he has been carrying on an affair with a woman who resides on XXX estate. The purpose of the separation is so that he can carry on his affair without my interference. Joe has tried to claim that his affair began AFTER I left for Australia, but this is not true. [as if that justified his adultery, we are still married]

As our friends, I am asking that you use your influence with Joe to persuade him to end his affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if he would only end the affair. Please support him in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers. Warmest regards, Caracal

A warning, Caracal. You will get support from the most surprising quarters and no support from others. You have to be PREPARED for some criticism.

If you are criticized, you have to sluff this off and not take it personally, ok? Can you do this?

You will be criticized a lot most likely..EVERYONE criticized me when I exposed...just be prepared

But this is ok. We know that we won't get 100% support from every target. The objective is still achieved. It puts the affairees on the defensive and forces them to defend their actions. It brings the affair out into the open and makes it much harder to carry on. Even though some folks might not like exposure that does not mean they will associate with a cheater. And can you imagine how the OP feels going around ppl who ALL KNOW? Affairs thrive on secrecy so just getting it all out there causes the fun to dwindle. They can no longer pretend to have honor when everyone knows they are a sleazy adulterer.

Exposure still achieves its objective even though some - or all - of the targets don't support exposure.

Okay, thanks for all of the encouragement, I have started the ball rolling. I am very worried that everyone I sent email to will simply believe husband over me as I have so little evidence. Will have to wait and see. And thanks ML, I based most of it on your suggestion, although somehow or other my version ended up a bit longer...

As to who to expose to, I have sent it to his sisters, our joint Australian friends (although he has not initiated contact with any of these since seperation), two of his cousins, two sets of UK friends that are also colleagues. I have not sent to any of his uncles and aunts as there has been some family tragedy lately and I don't want to add to the burden... thoughts on this?

Also, should I be texting his employer? His employer would likely get a giggle out of it as he has gossiped about a previous staff member who used work to date the female staff, albeit he was single at time. I am a bit intimidated that this is crossing the line. Actually, the whole exercise has filled me with dread, but at least in some way I am taking control.

I don't have contact details for all colleagues and don't know surnames... drat!

Can you give more details? What about his parents?

His parents are deceased. Sent to all siblings bar one that he does not have contact with. The cousins are the ones he visited whilst back in Australia, probably the closest with him. His UK friends are all colleagues, but I don't have surnames or contact detail other then the ones I have sent to. There is an uncle who he is very close to, but he seriously has too much family tragedy going on in his immediate family at present and I would hate to add to it.

Husband text me message overnight, and now I am full of doubts as I fear no-one is going to believe he is having an affair. Today I am not so sure I believe it and worry I am reading too much into everything! The text said his sister had rang about email, he denies affair and I can think whatever I want, he thinks I am trying to break him down. He will see to the divorce papers as soon as he can as we need to move on with our lives. He didn't mean to hurt me but knows he has, and will talk soon. Is this normal response?

If I am to try to deposit in Lovebank, how should I respond to this text?

Oh, and how do I switch this to SAA forum?

That is completely normal! What you need to do is strike a balance here. On one hand you need to be as attractive as possible and on the other you need to let him know you will not just roll over, but letting Him know that he is in for the legal fight of his life.

If divorce were filed, WHERE would it be filed and how could you file on grounds of adultery? Is that possible in your countries?

Divorce would be filed in Australia, no grounds to file on adultery. As long as seperated 12 months, divorce granted.

As per response to his text, how about I am sorry he feels I am trying to break him, this is not my intention. And I know his intention has not been to hurt me, although he has. My intention is to try to reconcile.

Also, the text he sent mentions he "did not have an affair", not that he is not having one now. I suspect he is differentiating that he may not have been physical with her before returning to UK, and not classifying emotional as an affair. Should I challenge this or is that a LB?

It is not a lovebuster at all. In every instance that it comes up, I would call this an affair. In fact, I would send something like this:

Thanks for the text, Joe, but I know about your affair. It makes no sense to deny it when you even admitted it yourself. You are a married man, after all. Your affair has caused me enormous pain and grief that is beyond words.

Is adultery ADMISSABLE? In my country, Texas, we are no fault, but adultery and physical abuse are taken into account.

No, in Australia divorce is on a no-fault basis, the law does not take into account adultery. Only requirement is 12-month seperation. Not sure it matters in our case anyway as no property or children, our assets are largely already split half and half.

bumping up for Caracal