Hi everyone, I'm a new user here and figured I'd try to get some advice on our situation. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10 this coming September. We've always been best friends, and I think that has always been the foundation of our relationship. But, over the past 5 years or so, we have had financial issues that resulted in a bankruptcy along with a repossessed vehicle, and many other problems with bills and such. Neither of us have ever been very affectionate people, but it never really seemed to matter. We just had "something" that we thought didn't need to be questioned. We have 2 beautiful children, 7 year old boy and a 5 year old girl.

I've done some selfish things in the past few years that we have argued about, but I never realized each time that it was truly hurting her. We would argue, and I would think she would get over it. These things were buying stuff when we really didn't have the money. I realize now that these actions were completely wrong. I just didn't think it was that big of a deal at the time. Now, she says it just reached a breaking point and she doesn't know if it can be fixed. She has lost feelings for me, but does still love me. She says she just feels like friends now, and hates being here in the house, but doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to hurt the kids. She said she woke up one day and decided she didn't want to live like this anymore. That she'd given us her all for so long, and felt that I was giving nothing in return. She is right, I was taking things for granted, assuming that this "something" we had would just always be there. I didn't realize that a long, happy marriage does take work. Now, she's taking a lot of time for herself and she said it makes her happy. She's had her problems with depression and anxiety, she was diagnosed with a nervous disease 12 years ago but is currently in remission. This has affected her a lot, but I was always there for her no matter what, at least I thought I was. Recently, she said she's been very stressed out with the kids, work, and what has happened to our relationship. She's been having a lot of panic attacks and taking Ativan to control it. We had some issues early on in our marriage and separated for a little over a year, but reconciled. In the past few months I've been doing all I can to show her that I have realized what I've done and she means the world to me. She's told me to relax because it freaking her out, because it's just not me. I think continuing to do these things has even pushed her away more. She said right not, she just wants to focus on the kids to make sure they aren't affected by our problems. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to lose her. Her and the kids are my world.

Hi HMSI, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, this can be saved if you follow this program. And we can get you started. But first, can you elaborate on the above comment. WHAT does this mean exactly when you say she is taking time for herself? Doing WHAT?

She's been going out with friends, going to the beach. A few months ago, she and her sister took a vacation to Florida. At that point, she was in contact everyday talking about what they were doing, saying that she missed me, asking how things were going at home and with the kids. Her sister recently bought a new house, so she's been spending a lot of time there helping with things. Her sister was always there for us when we were moving, so she feels like she owes it to her sister, and I agree. I've been doing what I can do also (cutting her lawn, helping install things in the house, etc). She said she feels like she lost herself over time, since she's done nothing but give and give to keep our family afloat for so long. And now, she's trying to find herself again and be happy.

I wasn't sure how much detail to include in my original posts, so I figured I would answer any questions as they were asked.

She is having an affair.

Why do you think that? I'm very close to one of her friends that she's been spending a lot of time with. I've talked to her about what's going on with us, and she told me that they have just been hanging out, talking.

I have asked my wife if there is someone else, and she has told me there isn't.

Of course she won't tell you and I imagine her friend is helping her cover this up. What you should do is RULE IT OUT. Don't ask her, but quietly investigate and I predict you will find she is having an affair.

The fact that she is leading this completely independent, single lifestyle at the expense of your marriage while demonizing you is a dead giveaway. I am amazed that you are going along with such destructive behavior and that is part of the problem. Your complicity is a big problem.

I would not ask her about your suspicions, but quietly do some sleuthing. Put a GPS on her car, keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her phone. Check her phone bill, email, everything and see if you can find out who it is.

This is how she has justified her affair in her mind: "I have given and given..." This is CLASSIC. A wayward wife will typically manufacture grievances going back YEARS to justify her affair. She will portray herself as the victim and her H as the oppressor who kept her down and robbed her of her happiness. Therefore she is ENTITLED in her mind. And your wife very much has that CLASSIC wayward wife entitled, victim mentality. I see she has effectively guilted you into going along with it while she cats around to "find herself." [and abandons her husband and children in the process]

I can't start spying on her, because we've always had a trust and I honestly believe she would tell me if it got to that point. I've been friends with her friend long before my wife met her. We've always had a good relationship. I completely trust her also. My wife has always been honest and open about stuff like that. I can see what she means when she said she's given, and given, and has lost herself. She always has been our family's foundation, and I took it for granted for too long. I can completely understand why she feels this way, and I don't blame her for it.

This is part of your problem. Because of your unwarranted "trust" she is permitted to carry on an affair unimpeded. You are losing your wife because of your "trust." Your wife is likely having an affair that could easily be stopped if you uncovered it and killed it. By not snooping, you are forfeiting any chance you have at saving your marriage because of some silly notions you have about trust.

You can save your marriage, but you can't if you don't do anything to dig out the REAL problem. Your wife would NOT tell you if she was having an affair, Sir. THEY NEVER DO.

Well, I hate to sound this way, but I didn't join this forum to find out if my wife is having an affair. I was hoping for some stories and advice on what other folks have done in these types of situations, and what I could be doing to help save my marriage.

You joined the forum to get help saving your marriage, right? I am teling you what to do to save your marriage, Sir. Your wife is very likely having an affair and if you don't dig it out, you will lose your wife because the affair is the source of your problem. You cannot solve your marriage problems unless you address the REAL PROBLEM.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so while you delude yourself, your wife's affair is thriving and growing. It will thrive and grow until you stop it or until she leaves you for an OM. <----that is where you are headed.

You can easily prove me wrong by doing a little investigation. I don't mind being proved WRONG.

That is exactly what you are getting.

None of us wanted to find out that our spouses were playing away, it hurts and boy it hurts big time.

If you follow the suggestions and check out the truth, then thats one thing but to blindly assert that this isn't the case????

Trust but verify.......

If she isn't playing away, having an affair, then there are still lots of things you can do, but non really work when or if she is cake eating.

Otherwise you become the best enabler on here, and sorry pal, thats my title.....5 years of enabling.

what do you have to loose?.................

What do you have to gain?.................

When we have sat and talked about things, she has cried a lot while we're talking about what has happened and how it got to this point. So, that makes me think there is still feeling there for her, and she's very sad that this has happened. It's not like she's being completely cold and un-emotional. I just don't know how far to push.

I would not "push" her at all. I would SNOOP and find out who the man is and then come back here. I am so sorry.

Well, we have a family plan phone bill, and everything on that seems normal. Nothing on her computer out of the ordinary.

Folks who are cheating typically erase emails, etc, so I wouldn't expect you to find much there. Another common tactic is to get another cell phone and use it exclusively for the affair. One way you could find out, perhaps is to put a GPS on her car and tail her the next time she goes out with her friends.

If she uses the computer much, you could install a keylogger to see what she is going. There are several mentioned over on the Operation Investigate forum. I think there is even a free one mentioned.

HelpMeSaveIt....great name. You are here asking for help and that is a good thing! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

Now, can your marriage be saved? Absolutely!

Will it? that depends.

IF your wife is having an affair, then the answer is no, NOT UNTIL it is exposed and stopped dead in it's tracks, and then it's an uphill battle for many. lots of info on it and plenty of folks here that will help you both thru it.

IF she is NOT having an affair, count your lucky stars as it will be easier to turn your marriage around.

By the way, an 'affair' is not JUST physical affairs. Emotional, online affairs, both are just as damaging to a marriage as physical affairs are.

YOU are the only one who can find out. It takes snooping, digging, and accepting the outcome, regardless of what it is. Many folks fight that snooping until they are blue in the face, just to find out all along, it's right under their noses. Accept its a possibility UNTIL proved otherwise.

The key, is PROVEN.

I'd LOVE to see you prove MelodyLane wrong! We all would. She's got something of a track record with her nose for sniffing these out. Listen to her, and prove her wrong!

Snoop. Deeply. And do NOT tell your wife you are, because if she is having one, and you tell her? She will deny it, and take it underground, making it FAR harder to find.

Your marriage can survive her anger, it can NOT survive an ongoing affair.

ps...if you have doubts about what others say? Read the starting posts or page on the threads over under Surviving an Affair.....

I have seen many stories like yours and these always end up with the discovery of the affair.

One example. (Affair will be revealed by help of VAR on 4th page.)

A quote from the founder of the Marriagebuilders:


Full article here.

Look, I understand your hesitance, noone wants to be cheated on and rather wants to consider this possibility as the last one, next to impossible. But sad truth is that affairs are extremely common (60-80% of marriages are affected by it) and to trust your spouse without verification ise very unwise.