Well, you can say

MIL,

I am very sorry your bf is infirm. He is lucky to have you there to support him.

I did respond to all points in your heartfelt email.

I am putting the children first by my current approach to the marriage separation.
I am allowing WH access to his children. His relationship with them is important. Sadly, he can not stay at the family home, luxurious as it is, while he continues an affair with another woman.
Love,
Hy

Something like that........edited to add if she says anything else unpleasant, just say
MIL, I love you and am sorry this situation is so difficult for you. I wouldn't have wished it on the family for the world, Love, DIL

rinse and repeat. Never say anything that could be construed as trying to educate her or being snippy with her.....no matter what.

My MIL and WH's family is the exact same enablers. I am keeping a tight Plan B. I am in no way going to enable this behavior or anything associated with this affair.

Stay tough and let them sulk in their misery. A responsible adult comes to the spouse, puts their best effort into the marriage, and if it still fails then divorces.

There is nothing honorable in his affair, your possible divore, or the way MIL acts.

Stay tough - Plan B is getting to them!

MIL sent me this email apologizing:

Hi Hyacinth,

I was thinking over the message I sent you, and realized how one-sided it sounded. I certainly don't mean to imply that all this turmoil is your fault. I love you all, and this situation is breaking my heart. Nothing would make me happier than to see you all living and loving as a family again. However, I don't know that this can happen. The longer the time passes, the more I'm afraid it's getting beyond all help.

I don't condone WH's actions, but I understand them a little better. I can't live his life for him; I can only offer suggestions. I know that the best possible environment for children is in a loving, supportive home with TWO loving parents to share the responsibility. My own mother died when I was two. I know from listening to other people, that some stepparents can be wonderful; mine was not.

I want the very best for DS5 and DS3. I also want my son-and you- to be happy. Don't know how all that can happen, but I've decided I have no control over it. I've cried, I've hoped, I've tried to intervene, I've prayed.

Meanwhile, the last thing I want is to alienate you. You are the wonderful, loving, concerned mother of my grandsons and I want to keep a close relationship with you. Would like to visit you and the boys regardless of whether WH is there or not. If [her boyfriend] can just get stabilized, perhaps that can happen.

Love, MIL

Albi you're doing great. Just go dark with her too possibly. Although she may come around, but alas, she still sounds foggy b/c she is not willing to commit to helping you with ending the affair. All she's doing is saying she's really sorry she can't do anything b/c her bf is more important.

Keep up the good fight. Go after the wayward and posow and protect the kids. That is your goal right now. Later on if he pulls head from nether regions we can help him find the way home to his marriage if he wises up.

YOU stay strong girl!

S-weet!

Not a bad reply, considering she isn't a student of the MB school.

HELP!!! I don�t know how to proceed on this.

He�s decided all on his own to offer me �support� based on our state�s online calculator and whatever financial information he used. Up until now he has been keeping the direct deposit of his paycheck into our joint account and letting me use it to pay all the household expenses and our joint bills from that. He basically has been trying to live off his supplemental income and a personal loan he took out. He is terrible at finances and knows nothing about money.

The problem now is when he gives me this �support� it is less than half of what he makes a month and it took everything we had pretty much to maintain this household. This house is too expensive for me to maintain on what I will get from him and I never planned on keeping it anyway, but it�s not ready to sell without taking a loss.

Also, there are a number of bills that are still joint expenses because it was less expensive for us to just keep our car insurance, life insurance, cell phone, together and just have me continue to pay them from our joint checking. Like I said, we are beyond tight on money trying to support two households when this one was set up based on two incomes itself. Basically, we're in the red every month. So he�s got a rude awakening coming. He is so clueless.

Should I just go ahead and allow him to do this? This house will end up being foreclosed on and I will lose the huge down payment I made that was an inheritance from my grandmother. He basically loses nothing. I think we're headed for bankruptcy.

How should I inform (remind) him of those joint bills/expenses that will need to be separated now (car insurance, etc.)?

In addition to joint expenses, there are some joint debts (a home equity line of credit, credit card, personal loan and student loans in my name that were used by both of us and are therefore joint debt). How should I handle this?

Also, I�m worried about allowing him to decide on this figure, because I�m not really sure it�s correct (could be more, could be less). I am calling my lawyer tomorrow to see if accepting this amount sets any sort of precedent or locks me in.

What else haven�t I thought of?

Exactly what you should do, especially since you said he is terrible at finances and knows nothing about money. Let your attorney deal with this because waywards don't play fair. I wonder if his mother knows he is now pulling the rug out from under you financially?

If he wants to go this route then do whatever is necessary to protect you and your children financially. You can still do Plan B while the attorney handles it.

I haven't read your whole thread, but you mentioned you have an attorney. Has anything been filed yet? I would ask your attorney about getting some temporary monthly support ordered. Let the court determine what the statutory amount should be if your WH won't agree.

((Hyacinth))

That's kind of my reason for asking the questions I did. The statutory amount is not enough to cover our current house and household expenses and therefore... (see above for all the problems with this).

She's going to say he isn't doing that, that he's paying me the support he is supposed to pay. (Even if that means this house is foreclosed on and I lose my inheritance.)

And she was mad because I am living here "in comparative luxury" and not letting him come here anyway.

There will be no help on this from his family.

Calm yourself.

It IS upsetting but to be expected from the other side of the wall.

Your lawyer will give you input and should implement corrective matters for your security.

The lawyer will also tell you what to do about the insurances, cell phones, etc.

Stay cool and stay focused on stepping forward protecting the family and the finances.

I don't know what your lawyer is going to say with regards to what he is supposed to pay you. Are you eligible for Spousal Support? Do you have all of his income info? Do you know how much he makes on a monthly basis? Including ALL income?

As far as what you do about the joint bills, I would say that you should find out if you can make him responsible for paying his half every month. That's what I did with my WH. He put X amount of dollars in the joint account for CS, and then X amount in for his half of boxing training for DS11, cell phone and his FULL insurance for the vehicle(since there is only one and he has it). I have my own account and the joint one is only used for transferring money to me and for me to pay all of the mutual bills.

Make plans now, what are you going to do if you can't keep the house? Where will you and your children live?

I know what he makes exactly because I have handled the finances for our entire marriage. He is the clueless one. He's dumb enough to think that since he already is supporting two houses that he can't afford, now he should add a third. What a buffoon.

Based on the state's calculator, our income division is 74%-26%. I made a list of joint expenses and debts and divided the monthly payments 74-26. Can I have my IM forward this to him?

There is no way I can keep this house. How that plays out exactly though remains to be seen. If I have to leave suddenly, my IM and her H are like a sister/brother-in-law to me and they have offered 100 times since this all started last fall for us to move in to their big, brand new house with them. They don't have any kids and love mine, so sometimes I think they are actually wishing for it to happen.

The reason why I would like to do this is because he is JUST THAT CLUELESS about finances. He needs to realize that his expenses are going to go WAY UP from what he thinks because there are a lot of things that get handled behind the scenes. Things that are now going to be dumped in his lap. He is so used to having people take care of him he takes it for granted. He needs a wake up call. Problem is his wake up calls always seem to have me and the kids as collateral damage.

I wish I didn't have so much to lose by just walking away from this house. I really, really need that down payment to be able to buy a new house for my kids. Otherwise, I would just call tomorrow and cancel his car insurance and cell phone and move out. Then have my IM tell him to sink or swim. (The life insurance I am going to make sure in the divorce agreement I get to manage -- but that he still pays his part -- because that is for my kids' future.)

The wake up call needs to be through the legal channels.....not you.
After all, his legal obligations are legal ones...yk?

Do not send the message via IM about this.

Just get the legal ball a-rolling.

Keep track of your expenses and the funds which are sent to you.

If you are correct, he will find out the accurate truth this way and it is the best way.

Yeah, but by the time he gets his wake up call, the house will be in foreclosure and we will be in bankruptcy. I'm not kidding. I don't know if he's changing his pay this week, but id I don't get his whole paycheck on Friday I already can't pay my mortgage for July or most of my bills either. And there we go...

That's how in the fog about everything, not just his A, he is. That's one thing I've come to realize about him. He lives in a constant state of denial.

I'm calling my lawyer in the morning anyway. But I know that can take a long time to hash out.

I handled all the finances in our family too. We are up to 2 months with no money from him now, none.

I am right here with you. He stopped paying on both houses. There goes my credit. He thinks he is going to get away with all of this Scott free also. I decided to move into our rental house in order to try and save some of myself. I am scared.

I cannot sleep either. I am trying to give this all to GOD because I don't know shat else to do. My love in Plan B is almost gone. I think I amreally heading towards hate because of this financial mess. The fog is so thick. I am so angry at the both of them.

I feel your pain, believe me. I wish the best for all of you.

You have an attorney to deal with almost all this stuff.

If your IM's send anything at all, it should be a short, emotionless note such as, "WH, when you deposited X dollars in the checking account on x date, it left your family x dollars short on the bills for July. Thank you, IM"

That does notify him of the situation, without making demands which he will likely not go along with anyway. I would advise bracing to lose the house, though I hope and pray you will be happily surprised by keeping it. Humanly speaking, it doesn't look possible. God is well able to work a miracle, yet often He chooses not to for His own reasons. (Which though we cannot see now, are working for the eternal good of our loved ones.)

So be ready to let it go. Plan and prepare as if the worst will happen, and you'll be ready for anything. I'm so sorry.

What is helping me is to not think too much about what situation he is putting me in. Normal husband would not do this. This is some alien being that has replaced him. Its easier if I think of him like a drug addict rather than just in the fog, it makes his behavior easier to handle.