I can't decide if I'm crazy or not.

Married 9 years, together 10, one DS (age 7), plus my daughter from a previous relationship.

Had some bumps, most notably a couple of years ago, but seemed to be getting through them.

End of May I got "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I no longer have romantic feelings for you", "I haven't had feelings for you in years", etc.

Wondered about an affair, but no evidence - phone logs (which he doesn't know I can see) are clean, no unaccounted for time, nothing.

But he has started a diet/exercise program (diet in January, exercise in early May), and he plays a game called Warcraft and he joined a new "guild" in early May as well. There's a girl there he talks to a lot, but she's married to one of the other people in their "guild".

I asked about her and he said no, they're just friends, nothing going on.

The last 3 weeks or so (since about a week after the bomb), he spends most of his time on his laptop (instead of his home computer). I have no way of accessing his laptop (he always shuts it before he leaves it alone, and I don't know the password). He said he just prefers to be alone in the living room because being around me is awkward, and also his desk has been making his back hurt. He only plays on his computer on "raid" nights so that he can be on "vent" (a computer voice chat program they use to talk during events).

I can't decide if I'm crazy and making a mountain out of nothing - just casting around looking for some reason other than he's fallen out of love with me? Help? Thoughts? Advice?

Are you listening in??? If not...what about a voice activated digital voice recorder hidden in the living room recording his "game"?

If that doesn't reveal anything...put it in his car.


Don't ask him for the truth. If he's wayward he won't give it to you. You must overcome the wall of denial yourself. If you want the truth...inspect what you expect.

SNOOP IT OUT.

Mr. W

Yes he is.

Seraph, welcome to Marriage Builders. MrW is correct. Don't ask your H, just quietly snoop to find out what he is doing. I would put a recorder close to his laptop. There is one mentioned over the OI forum that is very small and you can hide it close to where he uses the computer and then later download the conversations on your own computer. http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/usb-voice-recorder-2gb.html?green=17483872245

If there is any way you can get a keylogger on his computer that would be ideal. You would only have to get on his computer ONCE and after that it will email you reports. That keylogger is eblaster which is at spectorproc.com

I would find out what he is doing FIRST and then come back here and we will give you next steps.

My husband's affair partner and he were "just friends" and he talked about her a lot. I saw no evidence of their phone talking or texting, nothing... nothing at all..... but yes he is a cheater.

He only talks on the chat program when in the office, so he never says anything incriminating there.

The one time I used his laptop was to do a workout video in the living room (more space) and he spent the entire time upstairs in the next room so he knew as soon as the video ended.

I'm honestly not sure what to hope for. If it's an affair, there's a chance of stopping it and recovering my marriage. If it's not, and he really just doesn't love me anymore, then I don't even know.

Seraph,

Always trust your gut. Be smart and don't let on that you suspect anything. Waywards are notorious for taking things underground when they feel threatened. And they can be really good at it.

Do a great PLAN A while snooping to find out what is really going on. Come back here once you have the evidence and we can help you kill this A and move forward.

Most of us here have heard the exact same things that your H has said. They were in affairs. Don't believe for one second that he will be honest with you.

I'm sorry that you are here.

Buy His Needs Her Needs !!

It may not be that he doesn't love you, you two may just not be meeting each others needs and not know it. Read the book His Needs/Her Needs whether he's having an affair or not. You've got too much invested not to try and save you're marriage. Even if only one of you reads the book your marriage will be at least 50% better, and from the sounds of it, might make it 100% better.

IT IS AN AFFAIR! Take my word for it. It is MOST DEFINATELY an affair. You hit a nerve on that one.

How long has he been playing?

I know the game well, just cancelled my sub actually, this morning, ends tomorrow. If the vets say it's a good idea, I'd sure re-sub and play a bit more. Talk about hands on snooping. LOL.

Yes, I've been there, done that, and that game was a HUGE culprit in a lot of my stbxh's stupid EA/CA's.

I don't know mac computers, might try over in the investigating forums about getting into it.

I've been trying Plan A - it's hard to say how it's going. He's pleasant most of the time, chatty, etc. Hasn't talked about actually separating - just that he knows we will and it makes him sad, etc.

We sleep in the same bed, but don't touch, no physical affection, etc, at all. The week after he dropped the bomb, we had a lot of "hysterical bonding" where we had SF 1-2 times a day, but a week later he said it felt "weird" to hug me, touch me, etc. He's hugged me maybe 3 times since then, all when I've been upset.

Working on not being upset around/near him - pleasant, happy, cheerful but not irritating. Very hard - would really like to know one way or the other.

He's been playing since mid 2009 - we've been playing together. We used to raid together, but then our guild broke up and he moved one of his characters to a different server to raid with them.

I've been playing online more - I can see he doesn't have anyone new added to his Real ID (real life friends), but I would imagine he'd avoid that as it would look suspicious.

I'm not on the server he plays with this girl on, and it would look weird if I made a char, so I'm going to avoid that for now.

He has had one cyber affair in the past when I was very busy at work and not meeting his needs - it was over 2 years ago, and I had no idea until he told me.

'been there done that' as in being in YOUR shoes, not HIS shoes. Just thought I'd clear that up.

Do you play the game at all?

just bumbed my story for you. I did not put in all about warcrack, but it was a huge part. Cyber affairs, I know all about the damn things. Sadly.

edited to say name of post is BS of serial cheater....words from experience.

Its in this forum

granted, I had medical issues tossed in, but the CA's? started long before.

Thanks - man. That's tough.

I'm seriously on a rollercoaster - I just want to find out, one way or the other. Ugh!

The answer is: Yes, he's having an affair. If you want more information about his affair (who, how long, etc.), keep digging...but it's not a question of 'if', based on your post.

Don't drive yourself crazy wondering "is he or isn't he", and denying a reality you don't want to believe.

Accept the fact that he IS, and decide what you want to do next.

It's funny because even though I know all the signs say he is, I'm having such a hard time accepting it.

I think what I need to do next is keep quietly snooping until I have irrefutable proof. At that point, it looks like I'll need to think about exposure and how best to go about it.

I know it sounds stupid, but I'm worried that I've somehow convinced myself that if he's having an affair, I have a better chance of recovering my marriage than if he's done - and since I'm looking for a "reason", I'm reading more into things, or something? Does that even make sense?

Trust me you are not reading into this anything but what is truly there.

When you said 'cyber' affair, in what form? As in strickly talking or as in pictures, web cams, whole nine yards cyber sex?

How do you know it ended, for sure? He say so? How long did it last? What did he tell you about it?

I've found thru this marriage, history repeated itself pretty darn close. I knew they were in full fling mode when he started playing our old love songs and singing to them. I wanted to kill him at those times, believe me.

I'm sorry Seraph, I really am. Time to catch this stuff and blow it wide open on him.

I will say one thing. IF he says he wants to work this out after he's caught? NO WARCRACK. They nicknamed it that for a reason. His online time will have to be very severly restricted, and things like parental controls will be set hard core to stop it. That is the ONLY way. if he shows resistance, tell him, it's all or nothing. No inbetween. It's far too easy to find these women online. Sickening how easy.

Seraph,

The MB principles will teach you both how to get back the love and respect and build a healthy life together whether it is an affair or not. You still stand a good chance even if he is just checked out right now.

If it is an A then you will first need to kill it before you can make any progress.

I think you are in denial... and I understand that 100%. I was there too.

Click on the surviving infidelity link at the right and start to educate yourself on affairs, Plan A, doing a proper exposure, ... everything. read.

Stay strong. We can help you if you help yourself.

Online chatting - no pictures, no web cams, no phone. I didn't find out - he admitted it to me a few months after it had ended. I believe it really did end because he talked with her in front of me and "broke contact" and then she left the server. I've had no suspicions or any weird behaviour until just this last month.