Hi everyone, hoping I can ask for some more advice and give a bi tof an update...

So the reaction to my exposure... nothing!!! Other then his text of his sister ringing about my email, saying he did not have an affair but I can believe what I want, he believes I am trying to break him, he will see to the divorce papers as soon as possible as he feels we need to move on with our lives, he never meant to hurt me but knows he has, and we will talk soon. Oh, and a pitiful "take care" tagged on the end.

I sent back a text saying thanks for the text, I am sorry he feels I am trying to break him, this is not my intention just as I know he never intended to hurt me but he has. I said there was no point in denying affair as he and others have admitted it, after all, he is still married. And I can't begin to describe the pain his affair has caused me.

But no one else has contacted me, whereas I was getting all geared up for a barrage of abuse and anger. Now I worry they are all just whispering that I am some sort of bunny boiler imagining he is having an affair... who knows?

I need some help with Plan A and how to handle the phone call from husband I am anticipating will come tomorrow (Sunday). I want to be well prepared rather then just reacting. Given he is overseas and already seperated from me, am I in a position to explain his affair is causing me pain and he should end it? I also don't want to get into a slanging match about whether he is or isn't in an affair (I think he is excusing his behaviour as he may not have gotten physical with her prior to seperation) but I would like to know more details about what / who I am up against. Should I be trying to do this at this stage or will that just love bust?

Any contributions welcomed, you are all helping me so much.

Hi again, I need to vent... and here is the safest place for me to do it. I have had a rough couple of days awaiting reaction from exposure, but not getting any response. Something would be better then nothing at this stage.

Last night I went to my friend who had the emotional affair. I sat and just felt overwhelming dispair, watching her with her husband and daugther, surrounded by their family and wedding pictures. She and BH worked it out, and are stronger then ever for it. Meanwhile my husband and I just don't seem to have a chance, even though we have had such a strong relationship. Maybe that is just my perspective though, husband doesn't seem to feel at all like fighting to salvage what we have. I feel such grief for realizing that this is unlikely to work out, that I will never be pregnant with his child like I thought, that I will never wake up beside him again, that I will never again cook him pancakes on our Sunday mornings... the grief and dispair is crushing.

Add to this I went to doctor on Friday, and am now on sleeping tablets (Temazepan) and being referred to psychologist. All of my hopes and dreams for the future, a future I thought was so positive when I returned to Australia, are gone. I know this is self-pity talk and am copping a lot of flack off my father who keeps saying things like "chin up". But then I trusted my husband with my life, and now have to consider things like whether I should go for sexual health check as I have no idea how long this affair may have been going on for. In my really bad moments I even wonder if I have conjured this affair up as husband seems to be suggesting.

Thanks for listening and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Cara,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It is good that you are getting some medical help. Have you thought about anti-depressants? I didn't take them for a long time, but got to feeling so bad that I changed my mind and started taking them. They were a considerable help. And yes, get a checkup for STDs. You have no idea whether you have been exposed to something or not. My H was amazed when I get tested. He could not understand why I would be concerned because they talked about it and his OW told him she did not have any STDs. Then, I asked what her husband was doing, her previous affair partners and their wives - who had they been with? What an idiot my H was then. I doubt he even remembers saying stuff like that. If I would mention it now, he would be more amazed at himself back during the A.

Dr. Harley says that many people have told him that being a betrayed spouse is worse than being a rape victim or having a child that has died. For most people, it is the worst thing that ever happens in their life. Certainly, it has been that way for me.

And no, you didn't conjure up anything. Did you ever goggle the term "gasligting"? Waywards will attempt to mess with a betrayed spouse's mind. Nearly all of them do it. Certainly, if I had not known about it, I would have bought into some of the garbage my H was trying to tell me.

There will be better days ahead. And if you don't feel like keeping your chin up, tell your father you could really use some support and maybe a hug.

AM

Cara, don't worry about not having a bashing of what nots over the exposure. You don't know what HE is getting, only what he says is happening.

I'm kind of heehawing here on the plan A/B thing. Mainly because of where you guys are. Going to think on that a minute, just thought of something super important on the other thread.

When you all do things, everyone seems to do it at one time lol. brb

ok, had to go back and read some more in here, skimmed to fast earlier.

Now, don't beat yourself up here! Just stop that part! The exposure came a little slow, so he would have had time to spin his own tales, BUT do not let the lack of a reaction bother you. They will all be looking at HIM...with that sneaky suspicion, hmmm, IS he or ISN'T he? hmmm.

As I said earlier, I'm on the fence on Plan A/B, due to the distance. I heard DrH on the radio show talking about adjusting the plan in this particular case that was being discussed, brain just went totally blank on what it was about, but there aren't all that many around that do Plan A/B from this kind of distance and survive either, so not positive on what to do here.

I would be inclined, were it me, to prepare for a plan B while trying to avoice all AO's LB, SD, and IB on talking to him in the meantime. But when I was ready to do the Plan B, I'd go with complete silence and a strong EP for him to work at.

Starting with him changing jobs and coming home to where you are. YOu do NOT want to be without your support, and the marriage is not going to make it if you two are not on the same continent.

Work on plan B, but be nice on Plan A meanwhile. Have the letter looked at, you have to put in a few more boundaries due to the distance I'd think.

Good luck Cara, I'm watching this! You CAN do this!!! And did I mention, listen to the vets???!!!!???

Thanks AM. I did google gaslighting, and have spent the afternoon here reading other's posts, and sure, I have heard quite a few of those lines. I love you but not in love with you, she is just a friend, etc. The really damning ones that made my ears [censored] more were the ones that condoned me if I was to have an affair, such as "if you get with someone now, I know I've driven you to it", etc, all in reality to excuse his own behaviour.

I am going to hold off on anti-depressents for a bit, see how psychologist goes and getting some sleep. But it is there at the back of my mind. And I take on board I should get sexual health check. Thanks for reading my very depressing post, hopefully tomorrow I will be more positive and get the fighting spirit back.!

Thanks NSZ for giving advice about Plan A / B. I have spent afternoon reading up on this, and it seems a lot of deployed BS with deplpyed WS give Plan A a go. I will see how I go, maybe try for a few weeks while I work on Plan B. Will see how our next contact goes. I have not heard from him other then the text after exposure on Thursday night. I am not initating contact with him, only responding, is this the right way forward?

The one positive I have is that he does want to return to Australia, so I just hope that OW is unable to come with him due to visa etc. I do not know her nationality. Husband says he is only over in UK for a few months for space and to sell car, tie up loose ends. But meanwhile the affair could become more entrenched. At this stage I have no idea of the amount of contact they are having, etc or what he is getting out of it. But yes, I had already thought that Plan B would consist of him having to return to Austrlaia, though obviously I will need to have more conditions then that!

So vets, Plan A and Plan B advice needed!

Caracal, I am so sorry you are feeling bad. You are supposed to feel bad and I know that doesn't make you feel any better. This is a terrible, traumatic shock for you. You aren't going to get over it soon.

I will tell you that adultery is not easy to overcome. There is a chance your marriage will not make it. But there is also a chance it WILL. All you can do is do your best to make that happen.

My suggestion would be to stay in Plan A for a short while in order to leave a good taste in his mouth. After you have done that for a while, then go into a very dark Plan B. His affair will likely crumble within 2 years and if you have left a good taste in his mouth before you go dark, reconciliation might be possible. [if YOU still feel that way]

I want to assure you that you won't always feel this bad. This is a very tough time but you WILL live over this, my friend.

Thanks Melody. I have to say, nothing this bad has ever happened to me before, I have always thought I led a pretty charmed life. What has shaken me so much is that I also thought I faced adversity and challenges well, indeed, up to this point in my life I believe I have. But now I am second-guessing myself over absolutely everything, need to get my confidence back. Today my parents left on a holiday, and I felt like I was five again with feelings of abandonment, not the independent woman I have been up to this point. I can see that my husband has always in a sense "protected me" and I have never felt so alone as I do now.

On a positive note, I have lost a stone! Will focus now on eating better and taking care of myself. I am jogging / walking most days, but would like to get back into gym classes as I loved this before our recent career break.

So with Plan A, should I initiate contact? I have not spoken with husband for a week now, with only one text received from him. I have sent two, first in response to his after exposure on Wednesday, and then one today to just say "Hi, how are you? Maybe you are to angry to talk. I just want you to know I don't want to break you, I am not someone that seeks revenge etc. I sent email out of hope for saving our marriage with support from others. xx". Should I try a phone call to try to meet emotional needs as per Plan A?

Hugs to you, Caracal {{{{{{{{{{{{{Caracal}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I would not do that for a while to see if he calls you. Men don't like being chased, so see if he contacts you. You will likely hear from him when he starts having trouble in his affair. When that happens, just plan on being as pleasant as possible. You will have to play this one by ear.

Thanks again for your invaluable advice Melody. I did read this yesterday that Dr Harley says woman should not do the chasing. And hoorah, I finally got some sort of information (admittedly small) that not all is going swimmingly for husband. He text me last night in response to my text to say "I am ok, still coming to terms with my new title! Things have become a mess now after that email (exposure). Oh well, hope you ok and will talk soon". So at least I know others must be contacting him to discuss the email. Better then thinking it had simply been ignored.

I am suprised that husband's reaction is so mild... nothing I have read about exposure reaction seems to fit the bill. Has anyone read / know of similar reaction?

caracal --

You REALLY need to find out her name and expose to HER side.
OW will go crazy when HER friends and family become aware.
And she will blame HIM! It busts up the affair quickly!

Thanks Lexxxy, I really wish I could get her name but have not had any luck. Unless I start ringing husband's family and asking them to find it out from him? What do you think? Contacting husband's colleagues will unlikely get me anywhere other then more lovebusting with husband.

Do you think your H's colleague's wife could be persuaded to give you the name? Just let her know that she knows your name so it is only fair that you know her name.

Caracal, you would not believe the damage we could inflict on the affair if you had her name. [if we are able to find her facebook page, that is ]

Caracal,

Exactly, how many female horse trainers are there on this estate? Has your husband ever mentioned any of the women that he has worked with?

While my H's A was emotional and had not yet gone physical, he mentioned the OW a couple of times in passing and mentioned a cute phrase that her daughter used. And even after the A went physical but 4 months before D-day (I am SO stupid), he mentioned to me where OW and her family were spending holidays. At the time, I remember thinking, "Why should I care about this?" I realize now that this was just a "fix" to his addiction. He thought about her and talked about her to get that "high" feeling.

Has your H talked about any one at all?

AM

So Melody, what could be done with her facebook page? Reason I ask, I spent a sleepless night going through husband's work colleagues friend lists to try and figure out who it could be. I got a match from four colleagues who have a female groom from the estate listed who might fit the bill. Early 20's and started there in Jan, just before we arrived back from travelling. But her facebook page is private other then info. And I am not 100% certain it is her. I have tried calling colleauge (who gave more info then his wife) with no luck, so have text but don't expect response. Just in case I get a confirmation from him, can anything be done without access to her friends / family on facebook?

AM, I really can't recall any of those sort of conversations about anyone where he might be getting a high. As I was only in UK for two months before departing, and staff had changed since our previously living there, I am unsure about all of the female staff, in total I think there is about 30 staff all up on the estate. But there was one who I saw around near our house but I don't recall him mentioning her to me. This is the one I suspect may be OW. I'll call her hoe to make this easier! Other then that there is an older female groom who I don't suspect at all (she actually came to Australia when I did for business), and another young 20 something but I am pretty confident it is not her either as she is living with someone else on estate. He does talk about this female occasionally but then we used to go out with her and her partner to pub. Husband's colleague implied he didn't think I knew OW, which is why I believe it might be hoe. And that is all I know, if there are other female staff they are more likely to be working in other areas of estate rather then with horses, although I again am not 100% sure. I just want to know so I can expose!!!

Caracal,

Would everyone who works there be living on the estate? If your H were getting together with the groom, would it be on the estate or would they have a meeting place off the estate? If so, I agree with previous advice that a PI could get this info for you. Once you know who it is, you can explode things wide open. At this point you know what you are dealing with, but not who.

AM

I have been lying low and reading up on MB as well as trying my hardest to snoop with still no luck! AM, not everyone that works on the estate lives there, so she could live off the estate. If it is who I think it is I have found a listing on electoral roll that suggests she lives with her parents... from facebook page it looks as though she finished secondary school in 2006, so I think she is only about 23-24. Not sure if her being so young makes it better or worse for me, my husband typically enjoys conversation and is quite wordly, so I hope he will get bored with her! But if this is her then it is unlikely she is going to be bringing my husband home to introduce to mum and dad! I would say the affair is taking place at my husband's home on estate.

I hope to follow your suggestion and get a PI involved, though am waiting for husband to contact so I can ask outright for the name of OW in hope that my suspicions can be confirmed. Or is that going to just LB?

Also, I have not heard anything from him since text on 11.07, I want to contact him as I must miss him sooo badly. I really just can't believe he is not missing me at all... but he clearly isn't as he is not making contact. It is now nearly two weeks since our last phone contact... how long do I wait before trying to initiate contact? Should I send a text? I am worried I am simply "out of sight, out of mind"?