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Slept poorly. So did he, on the couch. I kept waking up to him talking to himself - and crying - about his OW. Went to check once to see if was having a nightmare, but other than that tried to ignore it. Little woozy from lack of sleep plus lack of food. Got up to check for OWH - no luck yet. Will keep trying

Eating oatmeal now - need to take better care of myself today. Trying to figure out a plan. Keep reminding myself that no matter how bad it gets, it will eventually get better.

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You're doing brilliantly, I have such admiration!

((((((((Seraph)))))))))

He's still there for a reason. Because he doesnt want to go. Dont let his toddler tantrums distact you from that very basic fact. Be tough on him


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Think I'm going to be posting a lot today. Ate some oatmeal. Not sure it will stay down.

Need some lines for when he gets angry, etc.

So far thinking of, "I will do whatever it takes to end your affair. Pass the cookies (or whatever)."

And, "I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I don't like to see you hurt. Please hand me that magazine."

Yesterday he told me OWs husband drinks, has "rage" issues, he's worried about her. I said, "I hope this provides the catalyst for them to get the help they need, then."

Avoiding saying anything bad about OW. Plan to avoid discussing the A as much as possible today. Will work on no LB and filling the ENs he will let me. Not many right now, but babysteps. Must remember that my ENs will not be met for a while, and make sure to take care of myself.

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Hang on in there hunny, it's going to be a rollercoaster for a bit. The vets will be along with more suggestions and advice, I don't advise on MB stuff, but do support stuff!!

OW has probably told him all sorts, it's not uncommon for them to tell the odd lie to justify their action to each other!!

Like your rehersals, also saw something some while ago about waiting for the count of 15 before answering anything. Gives you time to think not run off at the mouth.

I am following along and thinking of you.

Do some nurturing things for you too, not just maintainance, ie swim, walk, massage, coffee with a friend, candlelit bath, they all say to your H that all will be well with you.

Then give him a cookie, try to avoid offering him a sweetie to stop his tantrums!! He is 3 today, treat him as such.....ignore bad behaviour, reward good!!


Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10

Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.

He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
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you watch the OW bail on your husband she won't mess up her whole life for someone she has only know for two months, she isn't stupid, your husband is just a fool to think what she told him is true, affairs happen with a lot of lies, you and he are believing what she said to be factual, my guess it is not ........
She is caught now and she will be back peddling for her life, you contact the OWH that is your first job, get him as an ally and then put a plan together to save your marriage, let your husband cry he should be crying............let him suffer the loss of what his decisions have caused everyone he is suppose to care about......
I would just say you have chosen to hurt yourself and your family and I am sad about that........just keep telling him you will do what it takes to save your marriage and the love you two once had..........
tell him that since he is not willing to give her up that he will have to move on with that life that he has chosen and that you will have no choice but to move on as well..........
Tell him you will leave the door open if he decides that the marriage is worth saving, but until that decision is made you cannot work on the marriage.......
come here all day long and vent, and read and educate yourself, everything he is doing and saying is normal wayward talk and behavior, it's like their candy has been taken away and they are little cry babies now..........
treat him like any other child you know..........
and remember this the thing he didn't count on was how smart you are and can be..............he expects you to lie down and give up and you will throw him off by being understanding and reasonable but firm with your boundaries..........
he will see you stepping up above yourself for him and being the stronger one right now carrying him when he can't walk himself............
tough I know, minute by minute.
jessi


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Seraph - I think you're doing good.

WOW played a big part of my marriage breakdown as well. I never came close to having an affair with a person, rather my affair was with the game and I used it to escape reality.

I've been sober from the game since November 2009. I went cold turkey and went as far as to block the while Blizzard domain from my home router. WOW is an addiction. The same rush and thrill that drug addicts get is what I got from it.

My only advice is to keep him busy for the next couple of months. He's got the affair clouding his mind as well as the addiction to WOW. Plan A all the way and find ways to work the 20hrs of UA time in religiously every week. It can be done.

Good blessings and hang in there!


Me - 46
Wife - 43
2 x DD
Married 18 yrs - known each other for 22 yrs
Woke up 12/2009 and realized I was an idiot for neglecting my WIFE!
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I talked to the OWH today. She had told him some things, but not all (like the phone sex, or their plans to meet).

He informed me she begged his forgiveness and promised not to contact my H anymore, and to work on things with them. OWH sent me email thanking me for telling him, and letting me know if I want to talk, he's here - and that OW knows he's talking to me.

I told him I think WH is going to try to contact her, and to please be vigilant - requested that she send an NC letter for me to send to him, and also that he tell me if there's contact, and I will do the same for him.

WH is out getting the tired on our car changed - got a nail. He's been mopey and cranky, glaring at me and coming down to the tv room to lay on the couch and cry. Half of me feels bad and the other half wants to vomit. I said, one time, "I'm sorry for the pain you're in", but other than that, I don't say anything. I'm not going to console him while he cries over OW.

WH changed the password for his cellphone account this morning - I'm not sure if I should confront him with that or not. Thoughts?

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Yesterday he told me OWs husband drinks, has "rage" issues, he's worried about her. I said, "I hope this provides the catalyst for them to get the help they need, then."

Good one, Just keep that up. Her husband rages (if any) are not his problem. Sure not yours.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Serpah,
Hang in there, I know it is hard. Just wanted to tell you that I heard everything that you have heard in the last 24 hours in January. My husband told me he was so in love with the other woman that he would try to work it out with me but wanted to keep her on the side just in case. (ok so he really cared about her feelings huh)

Well, because I knew about her and made it so hard for them to contact SHE BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM LESS THAN A WEEK LATER!!!!

I had told her about the "keeping on the side" and she didnt like that too much.

He is with me now (he tried to get me to kick him out several times but i never did )and doing EVERYTHING I ask to keep me here. I have access to all phone records and passwords and we have made him new accounts and phone numbers where she cant contact him.

I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. It might get worst before it gets better but just remember the good times before this to keep you going untill you can make new good memories.

Also consider going to the doctor and asking for somthing to get you through. I dont personally recomend Anti-depressants as they are sooo hard to get off of but there are other things they can give you that are take as needed. I still have an anti-anxiety med that I can take when the triggers hit. They calm me down enough to remember that this too will pass.

Last edited by LuvsDavid; 07/10/11 12:26 PM.

Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Of course he is going to try to contact her. It is the addiction. He must decide to agree to NC or you may be considering plan B soon. But I'd give plan A a good go.

Good for you calling skanks' husband! Glad he is on board. You also need to get as much exposure as possible (his parents esp) and the guild and any friends and family.

Do the whole FB exposure if you can and if ow (bet she is) on FB.

I would blow this affair up sky high b/c aug is coming as well as that trip to see his "parents" when he was really going to probably dump off your kid on his parents and go see the skankho and carry the affair into a PA.

Don't feel sorry for him. It is like feeling sorry for the demon inside a person during an exorcism. It's not the real person talking. It's the demon! Just imagine Linda Blair and the pea soup when he spews angry stuff or cries for his pretend fantasy stupid affair.

If it were me, I would give OWH a heads' up and tell him that wh has changed his passwords and will probably try to contact her via cell or computer. make him be vigilant!!! Your wh is going to try to contact her.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted by peachyisback
Of course he is going to try to contact her. It is the addiction. He must decide to agree to NC or you may be considering plan B soon. But I'd give plan A a good go.

He has "agreed", of a sort - he's deleted his secret account, broken his secret phone, disabled and uninstalled Warcraft from his home computer and work laptop. But not because he wants to work on things with me - he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be married with me, doesn't see this as an "affair" because to him it was "the next relationship because ours was over" (I got ILYBNILWY 2 weeks after they started up).

Originally Posted by peachyisback
I would blow this affair up sky high b/c aug is coming as well as that trip to see his "parents" when he was really going to probably dump off your kid on his parents and go see the skankho and carry the affair into a PA.

I'm planning to talk to his parents today, once they get home from Church.

Originally Posted by peachyisback
If it were me, I would give OWH a heads' up and tell him that wh has changed his passwords and will probably try to contact her via cell or computer. make him be vigilant!!! Your wh is going to try to contact her.


So it looks like I was wrong here - I made an assumption.

OWH mailed me to say OW wants to call WH to break things off. I suggested (several times) a NC letter, but OWH feels it's what they (OWH and OW) need to do in order to feel secure that she really has ended things. WH says it will "hurt, but help in the long run", and I think it's all a bunch of crap. However, provided that OWH is there and I am there when they have the conversation, *and* she calls my cell so she doesn't have his number, I think I will agree to it - I know any contact will set him back, but he's only gone 12 hours, so it's not much of a setback.

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Originally Posted by Seraph
OWH mailed me to say OW wants to call WH to break things off. I suggested (several times) a NC letter, but OWH feels it's what they (OWH and OW) need to do in order to feel secure that she really has ended things. WH says it will "hurt, but help in the long run", and I think it's all a bunch of crap. However, provided that OWH is there and I am there when they have the conversation, *and* she calls my cell so she doesn't have his number, I think I will agree to it - I know any contact will set him back, but he's only gone 12 hours, so it's not much of a setback.

Seraph,

I am sorry all this is happening to you.

You are right, OW BH phone call idea is crap. I would still insist on a handwritten NC letter by your WH.

Just wanted to remind you NOT to believe ANYTHING that those two waywards say. If their lips are moving they are lying.
I learned that lesson the hard way.

Plan A while verifying NC.





ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Make sure you are both on the call with them or it is a way for them to contact to figure out the next game plan. For exmple, dont call me here call me (here). Dont email that address,,,,here is an new one..


You get the idea.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Originally Posted by LuvsDavid
Make sure you are both on the call with them or it is a way for them to contact to figure out the next game plan. For exmple, dont call me here call me (here). Dont email that address,,,,here is an new one..


You get the idea.


OWH and I both nixed the call idea. NC means NC. Closure is just nonsense.

Lots of rage today. Feel foolish for believing he was trying in MC.

But we weeded together for a while, he wrestled with DS, and we had "normal" conversation. I'm sure there will soon be another bout of anger, sobbing, talking about how he doesn't want to be with me. Hopefully not for a while.

Going to try to watch a movie at home tonight. May or may not invite him to join me.

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I would at this time look and smell my best (plan A), cook his favorite meals, and try to be affectionate as best as you can and play to his top EN's.

Meanwhile, I'd go to Operation Investigate forum below this forum here, and learn some other snooping tricks. Like I told another bw here, he may have a secret cell phone and I'd have a var installed in his vehicle as well as near where his computer is.

However, he is behaving as if he is going thru initial stages of withdrawal. Good to have that backing of owskank's H with you!

His whole admission of "my next relationship" and it not being an affair shows he is skewed in his reality and that it WAS 100 PERCENT a sleazy affair.

His is so far, possibly only EA, but I'd further snoop and see if it has gone pa. Need I say he CANNOT GO SEE HIS PARENTS IN AUG ALONE? YOU have to go w/him and OWH needs to be WARNED that he is to visit their town in august! Both are enemies of the others' marriages. Treat ow and your wh as such.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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So glad you decided no phone call before I could even get my 2x4 all the way out. grin Even with you on the line, it is a baaaaaaad idea.

You have gotten such good advice on what your actions need to be right now, and it sounds as if things are going well, considering.

It's so encouraging to hear that OWH is on his guard, and is now your ally. That is going to make your job much easier.



A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Took a nap. It really helped - I slept so poorly last night. Then I ate two small tomato & cheese quesadillas. Probably the most I've eaten in one sitting in a few days.

WH is in the bedroom - I think he's napping. He also slept poorly. He seemed a little cranky this afternoon. Hard to say if it's lack of sleep or lack of OW.

Having OWH in on things does make me feel better. I told him about their planned rendezvous - OW had already laid the groundwork by inventing a fake "weekend with friends from college". Needless to say he will not be allowing that. I do plan to go on the trip - haven't discussed it with him yet, however.

Not sure what the next few days will bring. Hoping that I can get a little more rest and eat a bit more - hard to be pleasant if your starving and sleepy.

He's been proactive about telling me what he's doing - after he got back from taking the car for an oil change, he showed me his phone (sent/received calls) and the looked the current usage up online to show me no funny business there.

I don't know. My heart hurts.

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Of course it does. Because you are wonderful and caring. Keep it up Seraph! Sleep, eat, breathe deeply. Know that you are great. Get more support. Are people backing you beside OWH? Not sure where you are up to with exposure? It honestly does help a lot.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Bleh. Every time he starts being "nice" I wonder if he's contacted her. But it's likely just the ups and downs of withdrawals.

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Originally Posted by Seraph
Bleh. Every time he starts being "nice" I wonder if he's contacted her. But it's likely just the ups and downs of withdrawals.

You cannot take his mood temperature every hour.
Well, you can, but there is no benefit.

Keep to Plan A.
Keep snooping.
Keep breathing.

He's a big old mess.
Do not set your plan according to his mess.

Did you read carrot/stick?
Any questions?

hug

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