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#2527038 07/10/11 08:17 PM
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I had an affair 3 years ago that is completely over. I am no longer that person and have changed my life for the better. My wife and I went through counseling after originally sweeping the affair under the rug. We renewed our vows on our 25th anniversary last year. A month ago she told me she is unhappy and can't decide if she wants to stay married. She moved out this past week so she could figure things out. What do I do next?

Last edited by HurtCobra; 07/10/11 08:18 PM.
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How long was your adultery?
With whom?
More than one affair?
Is there any sort of lingering contact with OW?
Any other serious marriage errors on your part?

Have you placed extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage?

What is the worst and/or most consistent love buster you have yet to get rid of?

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Please familiarize yourself with the MB basic concepts.

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Why is she unhappy? When did she find out about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

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She found out about the affair right after it happened. It was one weekend 3 years ago and I have not contacted the woman since and don't ever plan to. She is unhappy because she says she cannot forgive me. She moved out and said she has to find herself and decide if she wants to stay married. I try to show her that she can trust me but she doesn't believe anything I say

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Why does she feel she can't forgive you? Have you done the necessary things that WARRANT forgiveness? For example, did you answer all her questions truthfully about the affair? Did you change your life in a way that precludes this from happening again?

Have you checked to see if she is having an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Have you checked to see if she is having an affair?


Ditto...


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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
...have changed my life for the better.


How? What does this mean?

Quote:
My wife and I went through counseling after originally sweeping the affair under the rug.


What was your MC's advice/course of action? How long was the A under the rug prior to counseling?

Welcome to MB


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
..
What every MB forum poster should watch.


I watched it pep, its just common sense isn't it? Even he says the choice is open to forgive or not, as it should be.

Its possible your W carried around for years that it was all her fault, and is finnaly coming to the point of realizing that it wasn't. I am sure you understand this, that it was wrong and all, and that you hurt her deeply, but could not figure out how to fix it. Many people try to put it behind them, and act normal, but inside it still took something out of them, even when they are trying to bear it, for the good of all involved.

I am glad you are here, and interested in helping her heal, and regain her self confidance and trust, in life and herself, whether she comes back or not. Only in that way, can you truly expect this relationship to be healed, when she is whole and healed, and comes back not because she should, but because she wants to.

She sounds like a patient woman, and if you can send her lovebusters, and his needs her needs, and the book surviving an affair, and give her the time she needs to figure it out,(Assuming she hasn't found someone to fufill her needs she was missing), you can allways hope and pray for a chance of full recovery. That will allways be her choice, just as it would be yours if the tables were turned.

God bless you in your efforts


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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She doesn't talk much unless I start talking. I believe I have answered all her questions and yes I have changed. I put God back in my life. I have better relationships with my children and have been open and honest with her on anything in our lives. She works nights as a nurse so communicating and see other is hard. Our MC asked us to keep communicating and gave us a few exercises. That seems to be out the window. I do not believe at all that she is having an affair.

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How much UA time do you two get? (undivided attention)


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Not much. She is on a different schedule and has moved out of the house

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Sadly, your counselor didn't do anything to recover your marriage. What is missing in your marriage is the romantic love. People who are in love don't get separated. And by working a different shift has made it impossible to recover your marriage.

My suggestion would be to do some snooping to find out if she is having an affair. Its doesn't make any sense that she would leave for the reasons she gave.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
I do not believe at all that she is having an affair.


If you could collect a dollar from every BH that once felt that way, you'd be a millionaire before you knew it.


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I'm not yet a year out of the final DD (FR#3) and I can clearly emphasize with your wife. I appreciate the reply ConstantProcess made.

Many days I fall into a horrible slump, unable to get past the emotional wound(s) and hurt that happened between my WH and I last year -- the things he did, the things he said or didn't say -- still grieving about what was lost (so much was lost!). It was so very damaging. I find it nearly impossible to see past the cruel nature of his character that was revealed to me, even in the midst of his guilt driven giving to me or showing he's "doing right" by me,...whatever,...he did those same things in the midst of his cheating. I now have what I would term "a flinching" reaction to his loving,....seeing him as something very dangerous, unsafe, hurtful, and cruel. I hope and pray that someday I can detach from it more and see something else in him,...but it's very hard to do, still.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


My suggestion would be to do some snooping to find out if she is having an affair. Its doesn't make any sense that she would leave for the reasons she gave.


I disagree that her stated reasons do not "make sense".
I doubt an affair.
(snoop around anyway)

I think she might/could leave the marriage this many years after the affair ended because she could not overcome her resentments.

And maybe, just maybe, you are not doing a very good job at "husbanding".


Last edited by Pepperband; 07/11/11 11:45 AM. Reason: clarity
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Good comments everyone. So how do I get her to work on our marriage

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Hurtcobra, the first thing I would do is rule out an affair. It might not be an affair, but if it IS, you need to know.

I am not clear on her reasons why she can't forgive you if you have done everything she has asked. Was there something more she wanted from you? Does she explain?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I am pretty good on watching for an affair and unless I am just missing the boat I don't think she is having an affair. She told me she had held it in too long and she is ready to close this unhappy chapter and not be a victim of an affair. No more sacrificing her happiness, no more settling for less than she deserves.

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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
I am pretty good on watching for an affair and unless I am just missing the boat I don't think she is having an affair. She told me she had held it in too long and she is ready to close this unhappy chapter and not be a victim of an affair. No more sacrificing her happiness, no more settling for less than she deserves.
This rings wrong for me, HC. Can you access her cell phone records to check for multiple calls to numbers you don't recognize? I don't buy her story.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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