Dear R,
I write you this letter because I love you. Because I believe in marriage, and especially in our marriage. I believe our beautiful daughters need to grow up with their father present. I believe in a marriage where two people come together and the combination of the two is greater than two people individually. [/color]Give some examples of really happy memories here and also ideas of what love the future can hold for you two.[color:#FF6666]

[/s][s][s]And in the past weeks of us working on recovery, I have felt madder in love with you then ever. I am grateful for learning about Emotional Needs and how to work on for filling each others needs. A marriage is never as exciting as an affair, as we have to pay bills, make decisions about the kids and other sometimes not so fabulous thi[s][/s]s.
[/s]
[/s][s][s]I understand and support that you need time to figure this out, time to figure out to be truly committed to recovery, a total recovery, where there is going to be good and going to be bad, and not have the door on a crack to your affair partner(s) and escape when things get a little tough and we have to work through th.
[/s]
To make sure the walls are around us, not in between us, I exposed the affairs. I did it save our marriage, so that we could focus on [/i]our[i] emotional needs without a third party in the middle.

I love you! I know we can fulfill each others' needs: affection, sexual fulfillment, family commitment, conversation, recreation, and honesty and openness. When you return, I will be here; I will love you.

These are my suggestions for your letter. If this is a Plan B letter, you need to let him know if there are conditions to his return: ie., NC with OW(s), extraordinary precautions, just compensation, etc.

MF, I would take out anything with MB terms in it, anything regarding exposure and most certainly TAKE out the crap about him "figuring it out."

Take the letter from the book Surviving an Affair and cut it back to about 4 paragraphs. Add an addedum about the finances, visitation and make it clear that your children ARE NOT to be exposed to his filthy affair. "I insist the children not be exposed to your affair partner during visitation." ATTACH a calendar with suggested visitation times on it. Try and set up a very strict schedule in order to minimize the contacts between your IM.

Do you have an IM in place?

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Send a copy to that ho-bag with a note something like this:
Pg 81
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Boy, you are speaking for me. My heart goes out to you MFJ. Our spouses have had time after time to be who they were or who they promised to be or pretended they were. They have chosen a different path. I pray that God opens your H's eyes so that he can see how he is hurting you and your family with his wayward choices.

My H doesn't want me, doesn't "see me in that role" (of wife.) He acts like he knows how wrong his actions are/were. He is in denial. He hasn't dealt with any of it. Won't disclose. Doesn't want to be transparent. Don't wait as long as I did. He really doesn't respect me. He is so self absorbed that me, our marriage, what it takes to keep one, doesn't compare to what he really wants.

Please know that YOU are worthy and deserve the honesty and respect and so much more!! He is the one with the big issues. We have become co-dependent living in this type of environment. It is common with addicts and narccissists (sp.) If we stay, we end of losing ourselves trying to make it work. Take yourself back!!! Take this time to work on yourself, become who you were meant to be. That is what I am struggling to find out how to do. He won't leave, so I can't heal. I am working on it though. I am happy to know that I am not alone (although I wish you and others weren't having to be here.)

I am feeling down today too b/c I feel the end of the marriage so deeply. Let's not give them any more power, ok? It is them or us. At this point, we need to focus on us. They aren't going to help us, right? We have to find ourselves, our dignity, our strength, and draw our boundaries no matter what it makes them do. You are right you know, if it makes him leave, then let him go. You will be better off.

Now, I get to this one. I am so sorry. Dear God, please take MFJ's burden from her. Please give her some peace at this moment. Please hold her up as she is falling and continue to hold her in your loving arms as she comes to grips with this. Please open her eyes to Your Truth, Your Will here and help her to turn to you throughout this trying time. Please guide her as she makes her decisions and way these next days and weeks. In Your Name we Pray, Amen.

Bill this is the worse course of action you are going to undertake.

Going up did you never learn the lesson that it does not pay to do anything half mule?

Never expose in dribs and drabs. It will only give the AP's too much valuable time to put a spin on things and do damage control. Expose all your targets on the same day.

Please make that plan B letter what it is. Just the facts, he's having an affair, he hurt you and your children IMMENSELY and that unless he commits to NC he will not be coming home.

And during plan B YOU decide what you want to do.

I am praying for you and your kids right now, as it seems as if ow1 skank could be pregnant. I lived thru this too, and it was for me, something I didn't want to deal with for 18 years.

Others here however have successfully dealt with the oc scenario quite well using MB help. It is a very personal choice. But we don't know if it is his or not do we? After all, words from a skank are most likely lies anyway.

But you first must protect you and the kids right now, in case this is true. If he appears more wayward in the weeks to come, you might want a sep agreement at the get go to financially protect you and kids in case there might be your wh having to pay for that kid too (if it is true). For the ow will certainly WANT that cs. Trust me. They are golddiggers. They think nothing of you or your kids or family. Out for themselves. Worst kind of ow out there imho.

This isn't necessarily true.

You just exposed...which creates wackiness in waywards and all sorts of lies get slung around by varying parties that it's impossible to know the truth. You've got 2 OW throwing stories around too which just magnifies the problem.

Don't believe it...yet. OW is likely just trying to hurt you (by falsifying information). She was likely right next to her mother trying best to figure out how to hurt you. OW wants your man and will go to any lengths to get him. Until a baby is born AND a dna test done (OW are usually sleeping with multiple "prospects".

Don't believe it. Stick to your plan and tell the truth and the lies will wash themselves out.

Mr. W

ROFL....... NOW WE"RE TALKING!

Both OWs have threaten to sue me for exposing. OW2 has already engaged a lawyer, OW1 gives me 24 hours!!!!!!!!

Go right ahead!

I was sitting next to my friend when I got the messages, exposure rocks the boat doesn't it

Now it is getting funny. I replied to the one in NY that adultery is still a criminal offense, I'd be happy to file. I still have to figure out if it also is in CO, that would really make my day.

This is good enough for COMEDY. I have seen SO MANY waywards threaten to "sue" BS' over the years, but have never seen one actually follow through with it. Can you just picture your day in court?

OW: MrsBS told people I was having an affair with her husband!!

Judge: Is that true?

OW: umm yes



See, if those skanks sue you, you will be in a position under discovery to subpoena their email and phone records. This is WHY WS's and OP's never follow through. If it is true, and it always is, they will just be hoisting themselves on their own petards.

This is just an attempt to shut you up.

I dont think they are having any cozy time around. How sad so it wasnt true love after all.

The truth only hurts when you have something to hide.

Ooooo did i rock the boat.... The threads are starting, oooooo they are so mad.


Won't be much more before I can file a restraining order. Which would play EXACTLY into my hands.

Yes judge, i do not feel would be safe for my daughters to be with my husband while he is still in an active affair with such a violent woman.

Do i see full custody on the horizon?

Boy this is turning better and better.

MF, how is your Plan B letter coming along?

I would also put in that letter that they are not to be around any of his affair partners. If he violates that, I would not let him see the kids without a court order.

And that would be great if you filed a RO!! You are a pistol, MFJ!!!

Yeah, so now if he wants to see hisgirls he either has to proof they are no longer involved or bye bye.

There is NO way in hell, i will expose my children to that. No way.

Boy as a wayward isn't it just plain easier to 'get with the program'.

MFJ,

Stay cool and collected as the commercial says.

Take a breath to think.

I know I don't need to say listen to MLane, but do so while taking a moment to gather yourself.

Breathe doll. I worry that you'll fire half-cocked...

I dont know what half cocked means, as english is not my first language.


As to the plan b letter, im not so sure we still in plan b. This may be plan d.

I think ive reached my limit and i dont know there will be any change for the better. And i now realize how incredibly abusive this relationship has been.

Ow1 who had sex in my bed has made treats of violence against me and my kids. Her fiancee has confirmed that she has the gold necklace that i have been missing since that weekend. And to think I punished my child for taking it, playing with it and misplacing it.

Kind of what I've been saying all along. He's not just a guy that unwittingly crossed a boundary and ended up sliding down a slippery slope into an affair. He's got 2 OW's. The fact you are an international type bride plays into my thinking too. He thinks he's got a international housekeeper maintaining the home and kids while he's off playing around with whomever he wants.

Go the strong route. Use the favorable pre-nup you have to demand he come home now, end the affair(s) and commit to recovery program or else you are immediately seeking legal counsel, putting the house up for sale and shopping for homes in your home country.

If your marriage is savable....your husband WILL step up and toe the line when push comes to shove...

It's time to push...

Mr. Wondering

I understand what your saying. Im not sure though i want that life back. Leaving has many advantages for me.

Time for the police to be involved?

And you'll retain the luxury of making that decision if and when your husband comes a beggin' for ONE MORE CHANCE.


He doesn't know nor comprehend yet the FULL consequences of his behavior. Once he does and if he comes back fully repentant (which is typically unmistakeable) THEN you've got choices to make.

Right now...you don't have to decide that. Just execute your plan and move forward.

You will make it...with or without him.

Mr. Wondering

This is the sentence I meant to highlight.

You don't have to be sure...yet. In fact, it would be quite foolish for you to make a decision TODAY in the middle of this emotional turmoil.

Decide only to execute a firm and strong plan as the most healthy thing you can do for yourself, your kids and ultimately your husband. If he responds favorably, great. Then you can negotiate recovery or not. If he doesn't...great, he'll be making "the choice" easy for you.

Mr. Wondering