Oh what a long way you have come.

FWIW it seems he's fumbling his way out of the fog. He has found himself in a pretty scary place and he is a bloke, they don't tend to process things the way women do.

Give him time, show him a gentle side but don't get sucked into the drama......you have been doing a brilliant job so far.

Read lots, breathe, look after your health, treat yourself to something that makes you feel good.

He is lost right now.....chances are he will also start to feel pretty stupid soon as well. Then he will need your support not your anger or hurt.

I know thats unfair but thats the role we have, us strong amazing women.

Hang on in there hun

Blessings

NG - Wondering what you meant about "more like a BH/WW"

Here is a reference from another thread (Tom1006) that I posted:

Women don't stop feeling for their new loves when their physical access is cut off. They pine away in their minds, hoping for that magic rekindling. Her disinterest in restoring your marriage is concrete evidence that she's in that "waiting" state.

Empirically, this "dormant longing" is much more prevalent among "disrupted" WWs than WHs. But from what you've posted here, your WH currently has a bad case.

"be careful with the shame"?

The goal of MB is to return you to a strong, vibrant marriage, with a husband you can love and respect. Part of that process usually involves exposure to end the affair, so the rebuilding can begin. The exposure is recommended to be ruthless and comprehensive, to kill the affair, and almost always results in the shaming of the APs. But, that is a side-affect that must be endured. If, however the affair is dead and/or dying, exposure will create the shame without purpose, which delays recovery, as the WS will view it as "spiteful".

That is what I was trying to communicate. Telling Mom and Dad would have been vital, and you've seen some returns on that inmvestment. You should judge how much wider to go.

The guild people are a must in my book. If they don't know, they may unwittingly help with a break in NC.

A billboard is not necessary at this point.

Seraph,

For what it is worth, when my husband left me for his second Other Woman so many years ago....


He said this:


"I don't love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you."


Three months later he was back. Because he loves me.



Waywards are stupid. And, they lie.


Do not listen to what he says. Watch his actions, because those actions speak to his thoughts. Listen more to his "afterthoughts", also. Allow him to talk to you, and do not reply to him for at least 10 to 15 seconds after he has said anything. Leave that space in there. He WILL fill it up.

And in that space between is where he will allow himself to spill over the truth. He won't be able to help himself. That's where you find what he is really thinking about, because the overflow effect in those 15 seconds is something he can't help.


Wait for it. Count those seconds in your head, and keep your mouth absolutely shut for them.

If he comments on something, keep it quiet.

If he asks you a question, keep it quiet.


(And if he asks if you heard him, just say, "Oh, I was listening to you, and wasn't sure if you were done." or...."I was thinking about my answer, sorry!" )





SB

Woke up around 4am. He was awake - couldn't tell if he was crying or not. He did a lot of heavy sighing, and I finally said, "I love you very much and I'm sorry you're hurting."

He was quiet for a bit, then said he wasn't sad for OW right now - he had been thinking about us. He reiterated everything he's said before - we're too broken, we've hurt each other too much, we can never trust each other again. I just kept quiet, telling myself, "Be still. This is nothing he hasn't said before.".

I did, at one point, say, "I love you very much and I'm sorry for all the hurt and damage to our relationship that I have caused.". He went on a bit about how he wished we had fixed it "when it was fixable".

He did say that he misses OW, though it comes and goes, and he thinks it "will for a while". He said he knows that hurts me, and he's sorry. He said it was very hard not to call her yesterday - it "went against" everything he wanted.

I said, "Thank you for not calling her."

I really didn't say much - I just let him talk, but as I said, it was nothing he hasn't said before.

I drove him to work today so I can have the car. He thanked me for that.

Anyway. Trying to convince myself there's hope, but not feeling it right now.

It will take while for him to see that it IS fixable. The fact that he is starting to talk about wishing it was fixed is good but expect backsliding a bit. He is still in fog and withdrawal.

You are doing good. Just remember vent here because you will want to but he is not ready to hear it. If you vent to him it will just re-inforce his feelings that he hate him and can't fix it.

OWH just contacted me to tell me OW thinks she and WH are "in love" and he doesn't trust them not to break NC.

Suggested these forums for him to start getting advice.

And now OWH has just informed me that he and OW are going to separate. Which leaves the path clear for WH to go after her.

I don't even know what to do now.

OWH has just informed me that he and OW are going to separate.

That stinks. All that discussion about "calibrating" the exposure range is about to fly out the window with WH's next contact with skank.

This is what I have prepared for BHs, and you're about to need it in a hurry. Make the gender adjustments, and implement the snooping portions through Step 8 ASAP.

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put �Flexispy� on any cellphone that she might use.
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take �personal� calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and �on� whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife�s contacts, to the tune of: �I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333�
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM�s contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

I think he's going to come home, tell me that she wants to be with him, and that he's leaving me for her. I don't think I'll need to find evidence - I think he'll admit it.

And then what? Do I Plan B?

Has your WH's OW's BH exposed to everyone on his side? I would encourage him do to do this in case she is planning on presenting your H to them as her "newfound" love some time in the future.

He's exposed to her parents and friends, yes.

Ok, first off you need to calm down and breath. You are getting upset over something that you have not seen happen yet.

He may come home and tell you she tried to contact him and he didnt answer the phone. Or he could say she called and he told her he is sticking with you because of the son just like he has been.

He cuold have moved out when you found out or he could have just walked in one day and said he had met someone and was leaving befor you found out but he DIDNT. You have to remember that.

People have plan A'ed even after the husband moves out. I'm sure they will post in a second.

I know I sound like a broken record but calm down and roll with the punches for now.

Keep snooping and watching him and getting together everything for "just in case" but dont let him know you are doing it. Dont do anything in panic mode but be ready if needed.

You do need to do the VAR and GPS in the car. A VAR under the couch where he will be "sleeping" when he cant sleep with you would be a good place also. He may not have been talking to himself.

Stay positive and upbeat as you can around him. He will know you are hurting so you dont have to advertise it. What I could not wrap my mind around was that he is hurting just as bad. He was on a drug and has quit cold turkey.

Thank you. I think the only reason he agreed to NC is because he thought she was going to work it out with her H. If she's not, he doesn't love me, and he thinks he loves her, so he has no reason not to leave me for her.

I know I'm making assumptions about what he's going to do, but I can't see anything else happening.

We have a couple we are friends with - I called the wife and talked to her. Told her the whole story. She was flabbergasted. Asked me, if he wanted to work it out, would I still want to. I said yes.

She can't believe he would destroy his family for someone he's known online for 2 months. She also suggested that her husband talk to my WH to try and talk sense into him. Not sure it will work, but it can't hurt. He was planning to tell her husband anyway.

She suggested I have WHs parents come out for a few days (they had offered) to provide support and a moral compass. Not sure how WH would feel about that.

I think you are still in Plan A and doing a great job.

When he comes home you look beautiful while calmly cooking his favorite dinner. The key is you are calm and in control.

IF (and that's a big if) he says he wants to leave, you fog talk reverse him with... Boy the kids and I are really going to miss you. Time for dinner.

Hang in there Seraph. Deep breaths. Plan A.

I found her on Facebook. Should I prepare for mass exposure to all her friends there?

Prepair - yes. I will let the vets tell you if you should go ahead or wait until you see what happens when he comes home. I didnt know about MB when I should have exposed and the affair was over so I didnt expose but to close friends and family that needed to know in order to help me cope. There was no need for me to do that after it was over.

Remember to copy all the friends names to a word doc becuase she will try to block you as soon as she finds out what you are doing. Also, facebook will block you if you dont space it out about a min apart.

Just remember you will be ok no matter what happens in the end.

Thinking I'll hold off on the FB exposure until I see what the evening brings, but I wanted to be ready if I need to do it.

I keep telling myself - what's the worst he can do? He's already ready to leave.