Seraph,

I wouldn't panic just yet, your husband is a man who is doing a lot of thinking right now about your lives together, you have a history together, the OW does not.
Do you not think he might think the same thing, why would he give up everything for someone he has only know for 2 months.......
Your husband is smart enough to know this isn't love, it's infatuation.....
I would expose the affair to everyone, you have to kill the chance of them resuming or continuing the affair.....
Just be the way you have been polite and thoughtful........
The OW will be putting a lot of pressure on your husband right now. It will probably overwhelm him. He is feeling guilty right now and probably just down right stupid and embarrassed I am going to guess having an affair and everyone knowing is a smart idea to him anymore......
Let him feel all he has created for himself, Tell him you love him and are willing to work to fix what was wrong.....
But only if he gives her up for life.....there can't be 3 people in a marriage, tell he made a mistake and he gets one free card but only if he is on board with a good plan and a transparency and can enforce his own boundaries...
He needs to be open an honest and committed.........
I hope it all goes well, but remember this is a process even if he moves out it's not over, he will soon figure out what real life will do to his fantasy.......
He won't like her that much when he figures the grass he thought was greener is just grass with a whole new set of problems..........
hang in there and breathe, don't react until you have had time to think about your answer.........
jessi, come here and vent and get the support you are going to need.....

Seraph; something about your story sounds familiar. Have you ever posted here under a different user name?

No, but I've read a lot here since I started suspecting the affair.

Have you ever had an affair?

No, but I've been guilty of not meeting his EN needs for affection and SF - he's very overweight (about 100lbs) and has been down on himself for some time, and I have deliberately withheld sex when I've been angry or to punish him.

I can see why, after so long of begging for affection and being rejected, he looked someplace else. It got really bad a couple of years ago when I was working a lot and we didn't have SF for probably a month straight, and I thought we had worked through that, but then he started staying up later and later playing games, and by the time he came to bed I was so tired or annoyed I just rolled over and ignored him.

Seraph,

I think you are doing a great job. I have not jumped in here before because I really did not have any additional offerings. I just wanted to comment that immediately after D-day and exposure, the OW and her H were planning to divorce. She went to a hotel right away and then he moved out for a few days. As far as I know, three years later they are still together.

Bottom line: Don't let what is happening in the other household dictate too much what is happening in your house. Stick to your plan.

AM

Is this the whole truth, Seraph?

Yes - I'm sorry if I haven't been forthright about that in my previous posts - I haven't been trying to downplay my part in the affair.

I am not suggesting that you played any part in his affair. I am, however, asking you to be honest about any of your previous affairs, if you have had any.

Were you married when you met your H?

No - I had been married right out of high school, but we had split up and been legally divorced for many years before I met my H.

I read the post you bumped, and I do see some similarities, but I haven't had any affairs. Maybe if I had it would make more sense, but right now I just can't wrap my head around leaving your son for a woman you've never met.

Thanks. I just feel hopeless. He doesn't *want* NC with her. He's only doing it for our son (he says), and if she begs him to leave me for her, I feel so certain that he will. My only real hope was that she and her H would work on their marriage, and then she and my WH could stay away from each other long enough for the fog to fade. Now I can't believe that will happen.

I read so many emails to my FWH from the OW asking him when he was going to leave me.

He even was helping her find houses to rent so she could leave her husband if she wanted but that didn't mean he was going with her.

Later he told me that he NEVER planned on leaving me. He never told her that because she would have not kept up the fantasy land he was in.

Please stop assuming he has already decided to leave you and his son.

I guess I just can't help it - he's told me that he doesn't love me, doesn't want to be with me, he loves her, he wants to be in a relationship with her. All that adds up to "leaving". I'm trying to remain calm, but it's hard.

If he *does* come home tonight and tell me he's leaving me for her, I'm not sure how to react. I think I'll have to ask him to leave.

My husband told.me all those things in front of a marriage counselor .......
So they had to be true right?

HE WANTS A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE THAT WILL LOVE HIM......
sounds like you can get that covered.

Ok now that you have said he is overweight I can understand some of what he is feeling. He is very insecure about that and thinks that now, with the A on top of that you will never love him. He needs SF also so you need to work on that.

Do you have the books yet?

I ordered SAA - should be here tomorrow. Should I also get His Needs, Her Needs? It seemed a little premature ...

Ok, nevermind. I ordered it as well.

I think you need a list of all the FANTASTIC signs to keep your spirits up.

Sign 1 - He is still there!!!

Sign two - He is made uncomfortable by your Plan Aing - thats because he LIKES IT SO MUCH he doesnt know what to think of his own crazy behaviour.

Sign three - the 4am convo of how much he loves you. This means HE LOVES YOU

Sign four - being honest with you about wanting to call her. You need someone who is honest with you about stuff that is difficult to say. It show respect for you. It shows he does not want to cake eat.

Sign five - the 'shall we share a bed' olive branch. He not only wants to lie close with you. He wants to HEAR that you want it too. All he wants is to be wanted and admired. He is shy about asking for it, when he feels undeserving, thats all.

I'm confused - the 4am conversation was about how he *doesn't* love me, *doesn't* want to be with me. How is that good?

Personally I liked HNHN better but I would start with SAA. It walks you through the steps.

Remember I didn't know about this site and was winging it but did a pretty good plan A on my own.

Have you looked at the emotional need questions on this site? Don't show him because since he is into computers he will find this site but take a guess at his needs and start working on them.

Yes it will feel akward at first bit he can't help but respond evenif slowly.

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