Ok...I read a bunch of these, but now my brain is in overload!

You can't eat the whole cow in one sitting! Maybe slow down and read the most applicable parts several times. I read and reread stuff to the point where, if it had been a book, it would have been in tatters.

Went to a going away party/B-day party for a friend last night. At last minute the person who invited me told me OM was going to be there and it might be a little awkward. I told him I really didn't care and that I was still going to come since I had done nothing wrong!
At the party OM wouldn't look at me let alone come within about 15-20 feet of me. Since I was seated near guest of honor - he hardly said more than a few words to him the whole night...LOL!

Very typical behavior - he knows good and well he should be ashamed. An evening like that which doesn't end with anyone going to the police station is a happy ending.

A word of caution to clear my own soul , though at this stage of things a face-to-face like that can be very good, since it shines a spotlight on the OP's bad behavior, and also lets them see that the BS they have spat on is a living, breathing human being, the time quickly comes where this is counter-productive to the BS. Very quickly, it will be more of a trigger than you can realize at the time, until you stop.

I can understand if you didn't want to have any confrontation at the friends party - that pesky police station thing again - but since he's clearly in town this is the time to lay out your expectation of NC to him. A few recommendations:

1. Don't assume this is going to end the A by itself. It's more likely to make things uncomfortable for the affairees than to end things on the spot.

2. I strongly recommend doing this by phone, rather than in person. You probably have great self-control, but better safe than sorry.

3. Look up your state's laws about recording conversations. Many will allow recordings if at least one party (you) is aware of the recording. If your state doesn't allow recording without consent, have a witness with you of upstanding character.

4. In this conversation, DO NOT give even a hint that you plan to expose to his parents/family, assuming you have not already done so by that time.

5. Whether before or after, exposure to his family is SO IMPORTANT! It needs to be carefully and respectfully done, since you are trying to enlist them as allies, not trash on their loved wittle boy.

Bad exposure letter:


Good exposure letter:


Such a letter is respectful, disarming, and assumes they will want to come down on the side of righteousness and justice. And most of the time, they will.

You have NO IDEA how powerful this part of exposure is until you try it. If you don't know how to find OM's family, we can post some suggestions, and I'll ask AJ, besides.

Ok Neak,
My response suddenly disappeared into thin air....so just respond to what you think I would have said!

God His Needs/Her Needs book today, and Surving Affair book. Will probably wait till tomorrow to start reading since reading books at night tend to tire me out pretty fast, and don't retain very much that way.

You give me waaaaaaaaay too much credit.

Enjoy the books, keep reading the stories, and you'll be amazed by how much you learn.

Actually made it through intro and first chapter of His Needs/Her Needs! Maybe I should read the other book first??? Right now need sleep more than anything so I won't be constantly tired!

Great, Bugs! I do think you should probably read SAA first.

And get some sleep!

Almost through first book, His Needs/Her Needs....for myself I had to read that one first. Will probably finish and start the other one in a few days. And then should probably read His Needs/Her Needs again!

Have been offline for a few days with a lot of stuff going on. But don't worry - I'm still around.

Finished reading the first book and am debating whether to send it to my wife or not...not sure she will read it - or even make time to read it??? I know I would benefit by reading it again, but not being much of a reader need to read the other book first!

I feel like right now my wife is making plans for the future without including me in the planning. She wants my thoughts, but I don't think she is even telling me everything that she is telling me. I think she is feeling really hurt right now and is pushing me away, but really don't know how to bridge the gap. It is hard when we are working in different countries/time zones right now!!!

If, by "the first book," you mean HNHN, then don't send it to her. HNHN is not a good place for a WW to begin reading. She will find all kinds of excuses for her behavior. She needs SAA, if anything.

Please, Bugs, don't send your wife any Marriage Builders books right now. She cannot start Marriage Builders with you until she ends her affair. And Prisca is right, Dr. Harley says a wayward spouse should be reading Surviving an Affair, not HNHN.

DO NOT SEND YOUR WIFE HNHN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RIGHT NOW. She will get the wrong ideas from it.

When are you going to get to start reading SAA?

I will definitely read the other book...can't comment on which book is better for her without reading the other one first...just letting y'all know that I'm still alive, but have been spending time reading instead of being online. I get tired easily reading which is one reason I don't like to read much (I would do better if they had the book on a CD), and by the time I have time to read I'm often already tired and don't feel like reading. Anyway, I'll keep in contact here, don't think that I've disappeared just because I stop posting alot! Thanks to all who continue to encourage me!

You don't need to comment on it. It's simply a fact. Dr. Harley himself has said that HNHN will not help a WW (and it especially WILL NOT help an WW in an active affair).

BB, like the others said, you don't want to give her HNHN at this time. That is the WRONG book for a wayward and the wrong book for you. You need to be reading Surviving an Affair. Don't give HNHN to a wayward! And for sure, don't bring her here now. You will lose this place as a resource.

I started the SAA book today.

And I was not intending to send her to this site, but had contemplated sending the book. I will respect your judgement though and not send her any books right now. She will be home in a couple of months, will see what happens then.

Great, Bugs, keep reading!

Have read 3 chapters so far of SAA, which is good for a non-reader!

Dr. Harley's writing style is pretty easy to get through, and get through quickly... I think I read HNHNfP and SAA in a day or two each, and I am NOT a speed reader.

LOL....I'm not a speed reader.....reading makes me tired, so not much of a reader period. I like to read, just don't like to fall asleep doing it!