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Neak #2528126 07/14/11 07:07 PM
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Ok...I read a bunch of these, but now my brain is in overload!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2528212 07/15/11 12:37 AM
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You can't eat the whole cow in one sitting! Maybe slow down and read the most applicable parts several times. I read and reread stuff to the point where, if it had been a book, it would have been in tatters.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2528465 07/16/11 06:23 AM
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Went to a going away party/B-day party for a friend last night. At last minute the person who invited me told me OM was going to be there and it might be a little awkward. I told him I really didn't care and that I was still going to come since I had done nothing wrong!
At the party OM wouldn't look at me let alone come within about 15-20 feet of me. Since I was seated near guest of honor - he hardly said more than a few words to him the whole night...LOL!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2528582 07/16/11 06:59 PM
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Very typical behavior - he knows good and well he should be ashamed. An evening like that which doesn't end with anyone going to the police station is a happy ending.

A word of caution to clear my own soul smile , though at this stage of things a face-to-face like that can be very good, since it shines a spotlight on the OP's bad behavior, and also lets them see that the BS they have spat on is a living, breathing human being, the time quickly comes where this is counter-productive to the BS. Very quickly, it will be more of a trigger than you can realize at the time, until you stop.

I can understand if you didn't want to have any confrontation at the friends party - that pesky police station thing again - but since he's clearly in town this is the time to lay out your expectation of NC to him. A few recommendations:

1. Don't assume this is going to end the A by itself. It's more likely to make things uncomfortable for the affairees than to end things on the spot.

2. I strongly recommend doing this by phone, rather than in person. You probably have great self-control, but better safe than sorry.

3. Look up your state's laws about recording conversations. Many will allow recordings if at least one party (you) is aware of the recording. If your state doesn't allow recording without consent, have a witness with you of upstanding character.

4. In this conversation, DO NOT give even a hint that you plan to expose to his parents/family, assuming you have not already done so by that time.

5. Whether before or after, exposure to his family is SO IMPORTANT! It needs to be carefully and respectfully done, since you are trying to enlist them as allies, not trash on their loved wittle boy.

Bad exposure letter:

Quote:
OM parents,
Didn't you raise your scummy son any better than to boink married women? What were you thinking?????? Tell him to back off or else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BH


Good exposure letter:

Quote:
OM parents,

It pains me to tell you that your son, Mr. OM, has become involved in an adulterous relationship with my W, Mrs. WW. I have incontrovertible evidence of this, which I can provide to you at your request.

I love my W, and want the chance to repair our M, not only for my own sake, but for our two small children, ages 3 and 4. We won't have a chance to restore our love while Mr. OM is still in the picture.

Please use any influence you have to encourage Mr. OM to end this adulterous affair, and give my family a chance to heal. Feel free to contact me with any questions at X method of contact.

Thank you,
BH


Such a letter is respectful, disarming, and assumes they will want to come down on the side of righteousness and justice. And most of the time, they will.

You have NO IDEA how powerful this part of exposure is until you try it. If you don't know how to find OM's family, we can post some suggestions, and I'll ask AJ, besides.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2528966 07/18/11 10:06 PM
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Ok Neak,
My response suddenly disappeared into thin air....so just respond to what you think I would have said!

God His Needs/Her Needs book today, and Surving Affair book. Will probably wait till tomorrow to start reading since reading books at night tend to tire me out pretty fast, and don't retain very much that way.


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2529111 07/19/11 11:28 AM
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You give me waaaaaaaaay too much credit. grin

Enjoy the books, keep reading the stories, and you'll be amazed by how much you learn.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2529355 07/19/11 10:24 PM
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Actually made it through intro and first chapter of His Needs/Her Needs! Maybe I should read the other book first??? Right now need sleep more than anything so I won't be constantly tired!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2529364 07/19/11 11:42 PM
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Great, Bugs! I do think you should probably read SAA first.

And get some sleep!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2531094 07/26/11 06:34 PM
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Almost through first book, His Needs/Her Needs....for myself I had to read that one first. Will probably finish and start the other one in a few days. And then should probably read His Needs/Her Needs again!

Have been offline for a few days with a lot of stuff going on. But don't worry - I'm still around.


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2531233 07/27/11 11:02 AM
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Finished reading the first book and am debating whether to send it to my wife or not...not sure she will read it - or even make time to read it??? I know I would benefit by reading it again, but not being much of a reader need to read the other book first!

I feel like right now my wife is making plans for the future without including me in the planning. She wants my thoughts, but I don't think she is even telling me everything that she is telling me. I think she is feeling really hurt right now and is pushing me away, but really don't know how to bridge the gap. It is hard when we are working in different countries/time zones right now!!!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2531234 07/27/11 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted By: Bugs_Bunny
Finished reading the first book and am debating whether to send it to my wife or not...not sure she will read it - or even make time to read it??? I know I would benefit by reading it again, but not being much of a reader need to read the other book first!

If, by "the first book," you mean HNHN, then don't send it to her. HNHN is not a good place for a WW to begin reading. She will find all kinds of excuses for her behavior. She needs SAA, if anything.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2531235 07/27/11 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Originally Posted By: Bugs_Bunny
Finished reading the first book and am debating whether to send it to my wife or not...not sure she will read it - or even make time to read it??? I know I would benefit by reading it again, but not being much of a reader need to read the other book first!

If, by "the first book," you mean HNHN, then don't send it to her. HNHN is not a good place for a WW to begin reading. She will find all kinds of excuses for her behavior. She needs SAA, if anything.



Please, Bugs, don't send your wife any Marriage Builders books right now. She cannot start Marriage Builders with you until she ends her affair. And Prisca is right, Dr. Harley says a wayward spouse should be reading Surviving an Affair, not HNHN.

DO NOT SEND YOUR WIFE HNHN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RIGHT NOW. She will get the wrong ideas from it.

When are you going to get to start reading SAA?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Prisca #2531239 07/27/11 11:34 AM
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I will definitely read the other book...can't comment on which book is better for her without reading the other one first...just letting y'all know that I'm still alive, but have been spending time reading instead of being online. I get tired easily reading which is one reason I don't like to read much (I would do better if they had the book on a CD), and by the time I have time to read I'm often already tired and don't feel like reading. Anyway, I'll keep in contact here, don't think that I've disappeared just because I stop posting alot! Thanks to all who continue to encourage me!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2531240 07/27/11 11:39 AM
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Quote:
can't comment on which book is better for her without reading the other one first..
You don't need to comment on it. It's simply a fact. Dr. Harley himself has said that HNHN will not help a WW (and it especially WILL NOT help an WW in an active affair).


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Biker #2531241 07/27/11 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: Bugs_Bunny
I will definitely read the other book...can't comment on which book is better for her without reading the other one first...



BB, like the others said, you don't want to give her HNHN at this time. That is the WRONG book for a wayward and the wrong book for you. You need to be reading Surviving an Affair. Don't give HNHN to a wayward! And for sure, don't bring her here now. You will lose this place as a resource.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I started the SAA book today.

And I was not intending to send her to this site, but had contemplated sending the book. I will respect your judgement though and not send her any books right now. She will be home in a couple of months, will see what happens then.


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2531285 07/27/11 02:42 PM
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Great, Bugs, keep reading!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2531317 07/27/11 04:08 PM
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Have read 3 chapters so far of SAA, which is good for a non-reader!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
Biker #2531326 07/27/11 04:24 PM
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Dr. Harley's writing style is pretty easy to get through, and get through quickly... I think I read HNHNfP and SAA in a day or two each, and I am NOT a speed reader.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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LOL....I'm not a speed reader.....reading makes me tired, so not much of a reader period. I like to read, just don't like to fall asleep doing it!


When I vowed for better or worse - I meant it!
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