Unlocked.

I need to come clean about the fact that I LIED to SugarCane.

I did post as BrokenGirl.� That was me.� It was wrong to lie.� I'm so hurt and scared and terrified that I thought no one would help me if they knew the truth.

I apologise to all of you for my deception as you tried to help me in my time of need.

I hope you can find it to forgive me. If not, I understand.

Again, I LIED and it was wrong. I'm so very sorry.

Seraph you can do better than this. All the hard stuff you've done past few days. You have been incredible. Is facing up to your own mistakes, being honest, really any harder? There are lots of former waywards on here. People who have lied A LOT.

I consider myself very honest and I am a BS not a WS - but does that mean I haven't made some serious, horrible, make-you-wince mistakes in my marriage? No, we all make mistakes.

Welcome to honesty land. You'll do even better from this point.

On the positive side, you will have great insight with your hubby based on your own experiences.

Now step one is you have to expose your affairs also. You have to fess up to your mistakes to show you mean business.

I agree you have first hand knowledge of what your husband is going through and you know how to help him get over this and move on. Have you committed to stop and be an open book to him?

You BOTH have to follow EP's and transparency now. Good news is you BOTH understand why.

I still think u can do this but you BOTH have to work hard for the rest of your lives.

i appreciate that you told the "truth". but whats the truth? are you playing both sides for some selfish gain? i think many BS would be weary to advise you, beacuse they open themselves up to you and tried to help you as one person with one problem, not 2 people with 2 problems. come clean on one thread. what is the real truth, and what do you want help with.

you made the first step, you can take another.

just my thoughts, i was rooting for you on both sides, just cant figure out what is real until you tell me.

Seraph, no one is here to judge you. We're here to HELP you. And we can't do that without all of the facts. Thank you for admitting your dishonesty. NOW we can get to work. We are not your enemy.

I wanted to thank you all for your compassion. I'm sorry I couldn't post earlier - I took DS to a friends house for dinner, just to get out.

One thing I want to be clear on - my mistakes have been exposed. My WH knows, and has known since pretty much immediately after. My mother, his parents, our best friends and our MC all also know - I've admitted everything to all of them. It's actually freeing, almost, to confess the worst things you've ever done and have people still like you.

Ok so the plan is still plan A and hope he plan A back.

BUT EP'S AND TRANSPARENCY IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN BOTH FEEL SAFE AGAIN.

Thanks, LD.

He's working from home today and tomorrow to "reassure" me. He offered, and I had said, "if you want to", but then I said, "no, i want you to. And thank you for trying to make me feel reassured."

I don't know why he's doing it, though. We had a blow up last night where we yelled - we never yell, ever. It only lasted a minute, then we talked, and I told him some stuff from my childhood he hadn't known. He hugged me for a long time while we talked, but it was the same thing - it's not fixable, he's sorry he can't try but he cant, he's sorry he had an affair and lied to me and our MC about it and he hates to see me hurt, but he doesn't love me and he loves OW.

Seraph,

I am sorry this is all happening to your life and the lies that have gone on, but it is all in the open now and it is what it is.
I think your husband is in a foggy state right now and he isn't ready to consider anything else, he needs more time, all you can do is Plan A him and be accountable for your actions all the while remaining respectful to yourself because you do deserve that all of us do, even the ones that make mistakes.............
I know all this hurts and seems impossible right now, I think what has to happen is time has to take it's course here............
The truth is out, exposure has to happen at it's fullest and then reality has to take over and logic has to replace fantasy.

you can't control him only yourself, just look at the little things as hopeful jestures for now, in time your husband may realize what it is he is chosing now.......he will have to weigh it out and decide if this is real for him. I would sit back and let him learn what the OW is all about when she has to fill all the needs you have been filling for him, she can't do that with the same good feelings you have..you two have a history............
hang in there, patience right now is your strong suit.........understanding compassion and accountability is your ally............the rest is up to him from his side of the street.

Ok, I'm reading up on your other post and have a question.

On you post on June 7th you stated you had ordered surviving an affar at that time but you said you just ordered it on this tread also.

HAVE YOU ORDERED THE BOOK?

Yeah, it should be here today. I also got "His Needs, Her Needs" and it should be here today as well.

I had ordered SAA originally in early June, but order didn't go through because I forgot to hit "Submit", and by the time I realised it, I had convinced myself it wasn't an affair and I didn't need it.

Bad move, obviously.

At that time SSA was for your affair not his as but as long as you are getting it.

Some of the of the things you posted then pointed to him in a fog then but we were focused on you so I missed them.

Please work hard this time because I think you can save this but you have to work hard not just taking the easy route.

Thanks, LD. I'm having a rollercoaster day - he offered to work from home this afternoon and tomorrow in order to reassure me he won't contact her, but then I see he Googled "Ourstate Divorce" earlier today, and I don't even know what to feel.

Him staying at home was a good step to make you feel safe but let's talk about you.

What have you done for.him today? Have you done anything to make him feel safe and wanted? .... if not think of something you can do.

Since you both have had affairs in the past this is a two way street. He needs to know that if he gives this woman up to be with you he will not be hurt in the future by you.

I've been trying to appreciate the steps he's taking. I told him it made me feel good and trusting that he was willing to work from home. He said now can I feel trusting if I need him to be here? I said it's a babystep.

I've been as transparent with him as possible since 2009 - he has access to my phone, phone records, email (work and home), my computer (work and home).

Honestly, at this point, I think he's so in withdrawal theres not much I can do to meet his EN. I'm trying to meet "attractive spouse" and "admiration", but obviously "affection" and "sf" are off the table (his choice, not mine).

Right now he's so cranky I'm in a different room. He's only 4 days into withdrawal, and based on what I've figured out, today's was a day he "worked from home" but actually spent time on the phone with her. I'm going to give him some space today until he's out of this mood.

Adieu, BrokenGirl/Seraph.
Not because you were once a WW.
Adieu because I can't abide MB board deceptions.

Thank you for your honesty, Pepperband.

Are those his top ENs?

This apparent need for space is just defensive. He wants you to prove you WANT to be around him before he admits it. He is shrugging off affection? Saying I love you is still affection. being caring and transparent is affection. You are affectionate and its what he needs. Dont be pushed off by a slight sulk. He needs you he just doesnt want to show it. If he orders you out the room, or just asks to be alone, thats different. Say ok nicely, say youll see him in abit, say you love him. say ok - ill make that nice dinner you like while you chill. Theres loads of ways to be caring to someone in withdrawal.

Thanks, Indie. SF and admiration are his top EN. Affection is likely third. I'm trying to meet admiration, and affection where I can.

He just spent the last hour talking about divorce. I'm so worn down right now. How can he think we'll be friends afterward?

He hugged me a lot today and last night because I was crying, but that's more than I've been getting recently.

He still misses OW. Great to keep hearing that.