Sorry Mike. I apologize. You may not have said it that way but that is what I was getting out of several posts. I could just have read them from the wrong perspective.
I hope you will stick it out for awhile longer. Im 7months in now and just starting to be able to step back and look at this from above instead of inside.

She didn't give her body cause she got prizes worth money.

She did it cause he sweet talked her (hmmmmm....admiration perhaps?)

and also cause her boundaries of spending time alone with a man not her hubby allowed her to cross lines with him. He might have taken her hand and pulled her over the boundary but she allowed him to.

If he stops all contact with him, you can work on making extraordinary precautions to your marriage so she is not able to betray you. She needs to stop contact with him and agree to the precautions.

She might not stop contact with him. That is her choice and then you decide what to do with your marriage. YK?

Yes, she betrayed you for years. Yes, she is flawed as a wife. Yes, this is tough stuff. You didn't deserve it but you are forced to deal with it. Sucks.

Hi Mike,
I'm just getting caught up on your thread. A couple of comments, if I may:
1. NC has not been established, correct? Until NC is established you will be triggered, which delays healing.

2. You feel that your questions regarding the A have not all been answered. Ask the questions. Get the answers. Hold your temper and thank your WW for honestly answering your questions. Only then will you be able to process the A with a feeling that you have the complete picture. Then you need to stop with the punishment that you're blindsiding your WW with.

3. Your D-Day was just a few months ago. That puts you in the equivalent of Grade 1 in the School of Healing from Marital Infidelity. You've got a long way to go, friend. Would you have dropped out of grade school because you didn't understand calculus? No, because it wasn't time for you to learn calculus. You haven't gotten to that stage yet! So stop making decisions prematurely! It isn't time for you to make decisions yet - you've got to progress through more 'grades' before you will be in that position. Which, of course, brings us back to: TIME. Enough hasn't passed yet.

I know you're venting when you get on here and announce that you're bailing, that it's too much. We get that. We were there. Understand one thing: IMO, you want to get away, not from your WW, but from the pain she caused. Friend, the pain will follow you. Only TIME and recovery is going to help ease that.

You need to pick that rope back up and keep pulling. Work the MB program like it's your lifeline, because it is.

Mike

I know exactly what you are feeling, my WH played me for 6 years, 1 in 'the affair' 5 in Just good friends, which I always hated but didn't have the strength to end till Xmas when I told him he could have me or her, I really didn't care but wasn't prepared to have 3 in my marriage any more.

Ginge was my friend.........how the F**K could she do this etc etc etc.

And then it came out that he was still shaggin her albeit rarely but even so.....

Yes it's crap, yes it hurts, yes I still want to walk away and begin all over.

I have my alternative life all planned, all there, the second I get a whiff of any contact.....I am gone.

That is what gets me through. It's about my self worth.

Yes he was in a similar situation to your wife, he really didn't want most of it, but was too spineless to get out of it, in case she cut up rough with her suicide threats. Not my problem.

I have no sense that they are still in contact, no intel either.

Unlike you I perhaps have more than enough mind movies, I really have enough details. For a long time I wanted the answer to the WHY question...........now I get it, it was BECAUSE.

It was all about him, not about us and it took him to a dark place.

Still have times I am angry, but such a relief not to have arguments that are about other things than her.

Much of the time I focus on today, yesterday was and I can't change that, tomorrow will be.

It's not always easy, some days I still think walking would be an option.

He too does not talk, thats hard when I want to explore stuff but he simply doesn't have the emotional intelligence, I am so envious of the wives of men on this board who can talk about feelings stuff........but we get what we get.

Listen to the vets, keep your taker in check.

I don't think BTW that you actually want more details, I think you like I was are stuck on the WHY and HOW COULD YOU questions and the reality is that it was and this is now.

Find something to smile about, relax and let her do some of the work, from what you have said, she is trying really hard.

And again, I do know exactly how you feel, if you weren't in the US I might think you were Ginge's H!!!

All true cept dont think theres any contact. Im very confident in this. Precautions that I and my FWW put in place assure this as much as possible. Yes, I will have to deal with this for life.

Tanam:

Everything you said is dead-on correct.

Scary.

Good luck to both of us.

Mike

And MB, you are legend on this board for good reason.

In my apology today for yesterdays AOs, I did say to her time will be needed. She, again, for the umpteenth time said she willing wait the time and understands my anger.

She's not the ogre I describe. Just mad as heck at her.

mike

We understand the anger. Stick it out, it will get better.

ITA. I understand how angry you are right now, Mike. We all do. And I'm telling you to do what it takes to cut out those AO's for a few reasons. One is that it doesn't help your healing. The other is that the day is going to come when you look back at these terrible days from a place of recovery. I don't want you to look back and regret your actions. I know this from experience. I don't even want to get into some of what I said and did in the days after D-Day. I have those memories of my terrible behavior in my head for the rest of my life. It stands out in stark relief from the remorse, humility and regret my H displayed when I acted out physically and verbally. I am so ashamed of my actions. I don't want you to be in the same place.

Is it more affordable to move out and support two households? And didn't you just get a check? What better thing to use that money on than your marriage? I find it hard to believe that you truly can't afford it, more than you don't prioritize it. The vets on here are telling you it's your best move yet you won't do it.

Should you decide to not stick it out long term you would be well within your rights. But it would be a pity to make that decision without trying every available avenue before reaching that point.

You have set YOUR recovery clock back to zero. In your mans mindset, there is really no way to be absolutly sure that there will be no more contact, or just compensation, unless you buried the POSOM. Get used to it, thems the facts about that.

EXTRA-ORDINARY Precautions, to protect both of you. Extra, meaning more than ordinary precaution. Yep the human mind and heart is that deep. We all knew what you were doing and why, because you can't believe people need that kind of crap, that we can rise above, oh thats just paranoid, we are different than that. But we are not that different M after all.

Have you ever worked with addiction? Do you know how many addicts hate what they are doing, but are still in bondage to it, and draw to it? The only difference is the accual disabiling chemical fog addicts afford themselves occasionally, then the truth comes back again, and they hide again, and the cycle continues. Help starts when they stop the cycle, but it takes a lot of work and time to unravel the stuff that was in thier heads, that drew them in. But it CAN be done, in accountability and abstinance. They must be hand in hand.

You and your wife have both been victims. You are not different from many others on this board. Now that you feel the frustration anew, you feel its hopeless, and that it can't be changed. I get that, but I know you have within you a heart of forgiveness, and an understanding that people can change, once they see they need to. Give this those 6 months and work with that other failure of the human race you have so much invested in, so she can see what the love from a man with strength of conviction is. Your not finished yet. You have real nuts, not like the OM, but he wishes he did.

Explain to me how his wife is currently a victim. I'm evidently not up to speed on this. Thanks.

Absolutly true.


Also I had to watch my very messed up addicted WW and put up with her painful crap for years, and oh yes, I am getting my head examined thank you.

But during the times of false recoveries and shattered hopes, there was allways part of me that knew I did not deserve this, and I should bail, but I had nobody like the people here to guide me, who would have helped me do what I needed when it came to that.

You have that resource here. Use it.

Thats easy, she listened to herself, she screwed herself over for years, she listened to her own counsel, based on feelings, instead of Gods counsel based on integrity and life. If MSS left her, she had nobody to blame but herself, and the BS she was willing to buy into and beleive.

She is her own victim, and when she gets angry at herself for that, and gets accountable, maybe, just maybe, she might grow that conscience in time.

But then like many, she could blame the internet or the social moreys of the day or someone down the street or her BH, beacuse she has a lot of work to do, and it won't be easy. Which is WHY I state get the Harleys in to call the recovery, because she will have to dig deep. MSS might just not feel like he wants to watch her, and she might not understand she will have to be watched for a long time.

But in the end she lost out on years where thier marriage could have been a shining example, and became part of the team to stick a hot-poker in her BHs heart. She was a sucker and a victim in my book.

My last post was about 11:42am today. I just got back on.

THERE WERE 33 POSTS ON YOUR THREAD! THIRTY-EFFING-THREE !

You've now got Tanam, SusieQ (back), Pep, reading, CP, MB, and LuvsDavid all preaching the same thing: STOP EXPECTING THIS TO HEAL OVERNIGHT!

There are brilliant insights within the posts, (with one clunker: "And MB, you are legend on this board for good reason." Aw, jeez, does she have to hear herself called a legend?) and they ALL center on that concept of time augmented by a planned program, carefully followed, as the way out of your hole. And they come from folks who were there. Do you think we might have a clue, among us if not individually?

Go hug your wife, kiss your kids, get a decent night's sleep, and we'll dive back in tomorrow morning.

Shaddup, NG

High five.

(Seinfeld.)

Mike,

How's about you wake up on Friday with NG and his party! Eek!

C'mon now...you've even got random ME here again, for Pete's sake. Give it another day.

Thanks everyone. Temporary insanity took over for the last couple of days. I reset the recovery clock. I apologized for what Ive said and really what I wrote her was brutal so I said sorry for that too.

The bottom line is time. Everyone has said here and its the only thing I can say to her. I need a lot more.

She said she can wait and shes not going anywhere. And she still feels like she deserves whatever she gets. I asked her not to say that again.

Been a rough few days. She actually had a really bad headache today and tonight and got sick so nothing going good right now.

We start tomorrow.

Good night.

I don't think you really want out of this, I think it makes more sense that you are so sore that it's hard to move.

It will hit you in waves for a good while yet, the key really is to stick it here not on her. Seems she is feeling pretty rough anyway, she will have to live with this forever too.

I know my WH is still struggling with the enormity of lying to me for 1/4 of our marriage and is doing the best he can to make things right. My side of the fence is clean and so I can be generous and gentle. When I get angry I use the anger......I ride so have several whips....I whip the bed, it makes a great noise, gets me physically tired and I can always visualise which is fun!!

Be gentle with each other for a while, it pays benefits. No Relationship talk, no blaming, just enjoy each other.

Cut both of you a little slack.......time hun time

Blessings