I can't believe how I've forgotten how terrified I was when he first left us. He's never hit me or anything....but he was doing things to try and take the kids from me....and all sorts of things.

File for a divorce.

Have you got proof of threats?

I already did file for divorce when he first left because I was so scared. By doing that I was able to get exclusive domain of the house. He's never hit me or anything like that...but he just does other stuff. He never did it when we were married. He's only been like this since he's been with her. And when he spent time with us he was his old self again. It's so sad to see him turn into this monster again.

I believe my friend is going to call his lawyer with this email that he sent her.

You guys say that the madder he is, the worse it is on the affair, right? I just feel like it's getting ME into a whole lot of trouble. My friend is moving, and now she won't even be able to give me her new address. :o(

dmh, sometimes, the things that we need to do during this time will affect us in a negative way. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it is still the right things to do.

How are you going to get yourself dark so you don't know what is going on in affairland? Protecting yourself and your children is your focus right now.

It's not that I'm talking to my WH. I just got several phone calls/texts today that he was threatening friends and family. I haven't actually talked to him since I gave him the letter. I just don't know how to get people to stop telling me so much...and I'm having a hard time not WANTING to hear it once they start....which is so counter-productive. I just expected him to be angry and threaten ME, not my friends and family after this exposure thing. Wasn't prepared for that. I love my friends and family. They don't deserve retaliation for something I did.

Show of hands - how common is it for the "wayward" asspickle to make serious threats to a third party?

I'm the third party said asspickle threatened.

Very common. It's a desperate attempt to silence the screaming sounds of scorn being cast upon them by every knowing glance they encounter.

Threats of violence should be taken seriously, HOWEVER, it's not that often that an "other person" follows through. They are normally like cockroaches that scurry away from the light of day. All bark...hoping y'all will shut up...but absolutely no bite.


Mr. Wondering

Ramona = my new BFF

I'm not sharing!!!!

You know, I'm really glad to hear this.

Feeling really down. My brother thinks I ended plan A too soon. I know that it wouldn't have been good for me or the kids to go any longer, and I'm not sure I could do it without LB since I knew he was also doing things with her family (probably her).

He says that the exposure was manipulating a situation and opening up a can of worms. My WH is furious. Her family is as well. I can live with that, and expected it, but part of me wonders if it all just backfired. Probably everyone thinks of this after exposure.

I'm in a dark plan B now. I even blocked him and her entire family on facebook so I'm not tempted to go look at them. The worst thing is when it's time for visitation. By court order, I have to drop off/pick up at a McDonalds. I know my brother will help when he can, but I don't know how I am always going to find someone to be there and avoid seeing him.

After all the threats...I guess it probably depleted my LB again, because I'm not even sure this is even worth it. But then, I think about how happy the children were to have him home, and I know it is. I talked to them, and asked them how long they thought I should wait for Daddy. They told me January 7th. That's a year to the day when he left. So it looks like the end of my plan B will be in 6 months.

I wonder if he'll start pushing for the divorce to move along since he's so angry. Before she left they must have been having a lot of problems. He had his lawyer write up a list of all he wanted from the house that was over the top and mean. He had his lawyer not send the letter when we started talking, but I wonder if I'm going to see that paper in the mail soon. It's going to break my heart if I do.

I know I need to take care of myself, but I'm back to not eating and sleeping. It just feels like he left us all over again.

I need to get my list of requirements out of the way for him to come back. In my plan B letter I wasn't really in a place where I was able to make the list. I made it clear that there would be no-contact for life, but other than that, nothing. I am making a list to give to my IM so that if my WH ever talks about coming back, it can be shared with him. The last thing I want is to get my hopes up again to find out that he isn't ready to commit. This is what I have so far. Does this sound okay? Can you think of anything I should add or take out?


These requirements are to ensure that you are serious about recovering our marriage and to help rebuild trust. These are not negotiable.

1. Agree to no contact with her and her family for life. A no contact letter will be written by hand, I will read it, and approve. It will either be sent in the mail by me or hand-delivered by me, ensuring that she has gotten it.

2. A full panel of tests for STD's including HIV.

3. A post-nuptial agreement will be signed.

4. Full transparency. All questions about the affair that need answered will be answered truthfully and in my own time. A polygraph will be administered if deemed necessary.

5. Accountability. Disclosure of cell phone records, passwords, emails, etc. GPS installed on phone.

6. Replace FB/Myspace with more appropriate comments and close accounts. A family account can be made.

7. A fresh start. Get rid of everything except for sentimental things regarding father, etc. New home, cars, phone, clothes, EVERYTHING.

8. Going to a marriage counselor of my choice.

9. Agree to a plan to rebuild the romantic love in our marriage.

I just got off the phone with my WH's sister. I haven't really talked to her since he left. I think she wants to stay out of it, but she told me that apparently the OW's mother did the exact same thing to get her now husband. That makes me feel so ill. But it gives me resolve to fight for my marriage. Is there ANYTHING else I can do in plan B?

Once the door is locked make sure it is air tight.

I am about 3 weeks into Plan B, Had to a meet for a court appointment a week ago last monday. Had no choice but to see her. Directed all questions/answers to the judge and waited to leave the courtroom after WW. WW jumped me 3 xs before I could leave the courthouse even though I waited plenty of time for her to leave.

Even if its negative contact it will throw YOU off. Use this time to heal and take of yourself the best you ca.

Take care of your self and the children. Follow what the vets have told you here. Its the weekend and things are slow.

Just know even though I have not commented on your sitch before a lot of us follow along and read.

Your not alone.

nESRE

Hang tough dmh. You really did do a GREAT Plan A, and you did a SPECTACULAR start to Plan B. There is NOTHING you should be worried about, that being said, it is NORMAL to worry and have doubts.

Your Plan B doesn't need to end in January. I would re-evaluate at that time, but you don't need to end it, if you aren't ready to end it then.

I have an end date for my Plan B, but by that, I mean that if my WH hasn't filed for a D by that date, I will. I will NOT communicate directly with my WH as long as he is with OW. As far as I am concerned, an active wayward is not worth talking to, especially when it is my own WH. IF they "last" then I guess there will be no direct communication with him for life, and I am okay with that.

I like your list of requirements. Make sure that your IM does NOT tell you if he attempts to reconcile until he/she is CERTAIN that your WH has agreed to these basic requirements.

It doesn't surprise me in the least that this OW has a mother who is/was also an OW. Apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree. No use in dwelling on it, she means NOTHING to you. She is NOTHING to you. It isn't even about her, not really. Also, remember what is said, "WSs ALWAYS AFFAIR DOWN." That means that no matter what you think about yourself, she is ALWAYS going to be no where near the same level as you. She is lower than pond scum.

Hopefully, you will be able to figure out some way to exchange the children so there will be no risk of you seeing your WH. Brainstorm this one, it is very important to your own personal healing.

Now, you need to start taking better care of yourself to make sure that you can handle whatever is thrown at you. When you are well rested, and well fed, you will be less stressed. Focus on healing yourself. Try to think about things other than your WH. Remove all triggers in your life. And as I told Indiegirl, laughter is really the best medicine, so get out some old movies, or watch some old TV shows, and laugh. Play with the kiddos.

I also had movie night, and family game night which helped me focus on the kiddos and helped them heal.

Thank you so very much for commenting. I just feel so angry that there are people out there like this. I understand that he could have still said no, but I just feel so mad! I told his sister today that from now on that if we do talk, it's not to be about him. That I would love to hear what's going on with her, but that I will draw the line there.

I can't believe that I'm reduced to waiting for her to get bored with him. *sigh*

Look at this time more as a time of you healing yourself and learning how to become a most wonderful wife. If your WH doesn't pull his head outta his azz in time, then you will be that most wonderful wife to someone else more wonderful.

I also look at Plan B as a chance to get strong enough to accomplish marital recovery, should the chance arise. If I had attempted MR before, I wouldn't have raised the bar high enough, and I am CERTAIN that my marriage would have suffered greatly.

Stay strong, you have done an AMAZING job thus far.

Well, I can relate to this and what you said the other night about finding MB just at the right time. Had I found it sooner, it would have done nothing. I was a mousey little thing. Always did what my husband told me to do. My personality has changed in so many ways. I am a MUCH stronger person. People are absolutely amazed.... *I* am amazed. I can't even believe it's me. Even from the time I was plan A-ing now to now I have grown by leaps and bounds. I couldn't even write my list of requirements when I first gave him the letter. I just wanted him to come back so badly. Having him do this has made me even stronger and given me more resolve not to take any more of his wayward crap. I really do know I'm going to be okay either way, I would just prefer my family stay together.

Spending time with the kids is how I got through the last six months. Games, movies, baking and making candy, all sorts of stuff. I'm just having a hard time being in this house knowing for sure that he really did have sex with her here. It's suffocating me, and I am having a hard time getting out of the funk.