Feeling much better and more in control of my ship today. 80% feeling good, 20% feeling sad. Think I'll take myself shopping after work and buy some new boots - they will be made for walking, of course.

I think you did the right thing, you cannot try to rebuild while he is in an A, let him move out, let him feel what this fantasy has done to his real life......
Let him figure out what a stupid move this on his own......
Start making the conversations about him moving out and what the financials will be for your family now, and custody of the children things like that, when you will tell your families that you are splitting, let that reality hit home for him, right now you are letting him wally in his own pain, make him be responsible for that as well.
He will come running back in no time when he figures out the relationship isn't real.
stay firm but loving at the same time, just deal with the details of your new life without him.
help him pack up his stuff........
be the best wife in the world in terms of attitude and don't let him see a weak woman that will be his doormat. Show him that you will accept and let him move on. It is the quickest way to have him figure it out.......
set him free and wait for him to come crawling back....
jessi

Thanks, Jessi. I figure either way, it will work out for me - if he and OW don't work out, perhaps he'll let me know. If they do, at least I'm in command of my own ship - not just waiting to see what he'll do.

It's hard, because I love the person I thought he was, but just sitting around while he cries over her and is mean to me was making me not love him *or* me.

So you're in an affairage, and have had so many EA/PA's that I lost count, and your WH, too, is not unfaithful for the first time. To me, that seems like pretty pertinent information for someone who wants advice.

This is not said to be hostile, but simply realistic. Even before all the other A's, when we got to the affairage part you might as well hang up your hat. Even if you just go with the odds. only 1 in 100 affairages ever sees the 5 year mark. Doesn't work so well.

For the sake of others who may read this thread later, I have some advice which I will offer as if there was no affairage, only multiple A's from both partners.

When a WS makes the decision to hold onto the A, even Dr. H says it is a logical choice to ask WS to move out. Though many (like me) choose to allow them to stay at home for the duration of Plan A, and only have them move out in time for Plan B, it is perfectly fine to move them out WHILE CONTINUING PLAN A.

Dr. H recommends 3-6 weeks of Plan A'ing a WH, and 3-6 months of Plan A'ing a WW. My own personal belief is that when the BW is also a WW or FWW, that Plan A should be extended toward the longer end of the spectrum, and even beyond if it can be done without undue trauma or mental distress.

The reason for that is, you're not only fighting to bring back a WH against his own A, but against his agony at yours, too. It's an unbelievable attack, and seldom can be solved with a cute little couple-week Plan A.

It may be the same ugly Infidelity Monster, but many times larger, and requiring much more ammunition to have a chance to kill it.

If there was no affairage in this situation, the best thing to do would be to have WH move out, and continue Plan A for as long as you possibly could. Then, and only then, would I advise a Plan B.

I pray that you find God, and let Him change you. You can become a new creature, with your sins washed away and your sin gone. That hasn't happened yet because you haven't truly repented. A truly repentant person would not have lied to conceal their past. That, more than anything else you will find on this most excellent board, is what you need.

You have much bigger problems to deal with than a cranky WH.

If you are planning your Plan B, you need to set the scene now as he preps to move.

Continue on Plan A. Be sweet, good looking/smelling, and nice-nice-nice. Meet his needs.

Meanwhile, continue with the plans for him to move, do not talk of the relationship or divorce. Write your Plan B letter and get your IM in place.

Talk to him about your conditions for his "return" to the marriage: no contact with OW, write a NC letter, passwords, etc.



Stay on course. Do not deviate, and make sure his needs are met. Because when he walks out the door, you need to hand him the Plan B letter, shut the door sweetly, and leave him on his own knowing the terms to return to the marriage. Then go very very very very dark.


If he thinks he is crying for OW? Watch him cry for YOU. Because OW meets zero needs IRL - it's all in his head. He will figure it out quick when your door slams shut.


SB

I just don't know if I can Plan A him. I can't even look at him without feeling sick to my stomach. The thought of trying to be nice to him .. to be polite .. it's too much to think about.

Well, I kinda think that way about you, Seraph. Yet, I see great things in you.

I'm giving you a chance even though your past actions make me slightly sick. You came clean, though.

Now that I've said that...not sure if I could take what you're going through. Do everything that you can, but you need to get ready for Plan B asap, girl. ASAP, like now.

Post a draft of your Plan B letter here for helpful edits, and get your IM ready. Do you have an Im ready?

Thanks, Surfer. I appreciate it. I will have tomwork on the letter tomorrow - I've worked 18 out of the last 24 hours and I'm exhausted.

He informed me this morning he plans to contact her. If she's working on her marriage, he'll "step out". If not ... I'm sure she'll come running back to her "fix".

Funny he shows more concern for her family and marriage than his.

At this point, I don't even want him back. I just want him gone.

I'm sorry for the pain your WH is inflicting on you, Seraph. His "I may be back if I can't get something better" gambit is unbelievably cruel.

You job now is to isolate your feelings to only those actions and attitudes that you control. Pursue every avenue to getting away from him, even if you have to be the one to relocate. Physical separation would be the start of a proper Plan B application.

You must not take his opinions as true evaluations of your worth. That is the most damaging blow a WS delivers to a BS. Do not go there. You are what your accomplishments and position in life entitle you to be. His self-justifying attitudes and opinions about you (in comparison to his imaginary WoW partner ?) are artificial constructs to permit him to feel less ***EDIT*** about what he fully realizes are pretty disgusting actions.

Thank you. The time being, he's in the house. He will be gone overnight on a fishing trip tomorrow, so I will get reprieve from him. Next week our son is at camp, so I will go stay with a friend. Hopefully that will give me the space I need to find the strength to make it tom the end of the month, which is when I told him to be out.

Right now I'm just avoiding him. He won't stop talking to me. I've taken to one-word answers - "ok", "thank you", a nod.

He went to the store and came back and told me he bought salmon, and he can BBQ it whenever I want in the next couple of days. And then some blather about not finding the right juice boxes. How can he be so. I don't even know.

You're doing good. Very strong, not taking any of his nonsense.

The BBQ thing is crazy. Sounds like hes trying to plan A you now?! He must be impressed with the power its given you, but UH uh, hes not controlling this boat...

He's a cake eater, I would say. Swapping back and forth between you and her.

I will let the vets tell you this, but I thought that Plan B was about kicking him out, you staying in the marital home, but you mention staying with a friend?

He's finding a place - I was just going to stay with a friend for a few days while DS is at sleepaway camp - just to be away from him.

I'm staying in the house - he's leaving.

cool

You may have already, but read the fine description of cake eating in Pep's thread on wayward fog which is now part of my sig.

If nothing else, will give you a much needed giggle

CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE

I like that.

In my case, WH isn't even pretending he wants me - he wants OW, our marriage is over, he's in love with her, they're soulmates, it's not an affair because "our relationship was over before he met her" (thanks for telling me, btw .. )

So I'm going to get through the next couple weeks however I can, and then just go very dark.

This is what just about every wayward says to their AP. Even if they end up marrying them later.

Searaph, my h told me I 'would regret' confronting them both, that she 'had nothing to do with OUR growing apart'. He was hostile and vile. Then when he came to get his stuff I had a VAR waiting in our empty house. What did I hear? Him crying like a little girl. He took love letters I had written him out of the bureau too, What as he crying for? Wife-cake.

You see skank-cake isnt as sweet.

That's interesting - I'm actually wondering if he'll keep all the things I made for him. I used to make him handmade cards, etc, for Vday, Anniversary.

Last year I made him a book, called "Oh the Places We'll Go", with a postcard and blurb on each page about places we were planning to take trips to. Next year, our 10 year anniversary, was supposed to be Paris.

I'm guessing he'll just throw it all in the trash. I don't even think I want to know.