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jengail Offline OP
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For several weeks a coworker of my husband has been a major issue and recurring topic in my household.

A little back story (you can find a thread from 2006 if you search my posts) my husband had an EA years ago with a classmate while he was in college. So what is happening now has ripped open an old wound as well.

February of this year my husband began a new job. Starting in early June he began mentioning this female coworker of his, he mentioned they had gone out to lunch, that she was the only other intelligent person in his office.

Because of what happened in the past, where I felt things went to far with a friendship (although not a PA from what I know) I immediately stated that I am not comfortable with him going out to lunch with this female coworker. I said if it was a group thing, with several people in the office - fine. But not one on one.

My husband strongly disagrees with me than men and women can't be close friends. I thinks I am being ridiculous and that my opinion is antiquated and not doable in todays work place where men and women work side by side. He says she has a boyfriend, and that he is happy with me and that an inappropriate thought has never crossed his mind. When I refused to drop my stance on one on one meetings he did say he would stop seeing her for lunch "for me" because my feelings are more important to him.

Since then there have been numerous things that have come up that are making me uncomfortable. One thing is he has tried inviting her along to a couple of events we've been at. He did say he wants me to meet her, and he is inviting her to things where I will be. The thing that bothers me is he never discussed inviting her with me, he just sent off the invite. One of the invites was to my brothers wedding reception, one to come to lunch with him and I, and the other to come out to a comedy club with us this past weekend.

I feel the fact he is trying to introduce us is a good sign, but on the other hand an really annoyed he is sending off these invites without asking me if I am okay with it. Especially because the topic of her has been a little heated over the course of the past few weeks.

He told me that he considers her a very good friend. He is refusing to keep the friendship at a distance and more of an acquaintance type of relationship. She is discussing her boyfriend (how she misses him because they 45 minutes away from one another, and he has a lot of things going on that prevent them from always spending weekends together)and I am not sure if he is discussing our marriage with her or not.

Last week he brought her up in a conversation, and I asked him what he felt were appropriate boundaries he should have with her. I told him I am not saying I am okay with them being friends, but that I want to hear what he thinks on the subject and maybe it will put my mind at ease some.

He said they should never discuss sex. I agreed and asked if there was more than that. He did not have any other ideas on the subject. I pointed out that the two of them discussing their relationships was a boundary I feel shouldn't be crossed, as well as the meeting one on one as we'd discussed the week before. He reiterated that he did not agree with me on this but would stop doing these things.

Last night I decided to look at his cell phone. Late last week there was a text from him to her telling her he was waiting outside by her car for her. She texted him back she was on her way outside to meet him.

I am absolutely livid right now. Best case scenario he was meeting her for lunch. But the thing is they work downtown and there are restaurants, cafes, delis all around them within walking distance. Why he would meet her at her car and not inside the building I do not know. Either way, he lied to me when he said he would not go to lunch with her anymore. He also has not disclosed that they did go (I asked him to keep me informed if they do meet up, even if in a group setting) and told him that his being honest with me about this friendship will mean a lot as far as me being able to trust him goes.


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He is having another emotional affair (EA). He thinks that being partially open about it, that you will hopefully accept it. He knows its not appropriate, because he is hiding information. You need to know that this will progress to a physical affair (PA) unless you stop him in his tracks.

Start reading all you can on this site.

Ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair Forum. Click on the 'notify' button and leave a message.

I'm a newbie here, some very experienced folks will be along shortly to help you.

Last edited by Cypress; 07/19/11 11:21 AM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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jengail Offline OP
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I feel it is worth mentioning that this woman is 29 years old and twice divorced. And while she is dating someone, they have a weekend only type of relationship and I mentioned she has expressed to my husband she is not happy about the amount of time (or lack thereof) she is able to spend with this boyfriend. Also, they have only been dating a couple of months.

Another thing is that my husband began buying me flowers every week for three weeks in a row right around the time he began bringing this woman up and was being extremely loving and nice. I found out one of the times he brought home flowers she had been with him at a farmers market to go and get them. I also saw on her facebook page a picture of him holding the flowers sticking out his lower lip and her making a joke that he must be in the doghouse.


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I'm sorry you've had to find your way back here, gaillajn. frown You were here before my time.

First of all: NONONONONONO! It is NOT APPROPRIATE for opposite-sex coworkers to lunch alone together! Or anything else alone together, for that matter! I am very acquainted with the danger of this. My FWH's A started with a one-on-one lunch with his AP. It went from lunches to drinks after work to a full-blown PA within weeks.

This needs to stop immediately. Your H should respect you enough to honor your wishes.

I would suggest you quietly start snooping. Just the fact that he is trying to insinuate her into events where you'll be is telling me that he is trying to make it appear that she is 'just a friend'. I mean, WHAT? YOUR BROTHER'S WEDDING RECEPTION?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? faint You didn't mention: is his co-worker's boyfriend also invited, or just her? I'll bet it's a solo invite. And I don't care that BF is 45 minutes away - these aren't the covered wagon days. It would take him 45 minutes to drive in, no biggie. redflag

I should also tell you (and you're probably not going to like hearing this) there was some significant playfulness, covert flirting and joking around between my FWH and his AP, even before the first lunch. They knew it wasn't 'just lunch'. mad





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Quote
Another thing is that my husband began buying me flowers every week for three weeks in a row right around the time he began bringing this woman up and was being extremely loving and nice. I found out one of the times he brought home flowers she had been with him at a farmers market to go and get them. I also saw on her facebook page a picture of him holding the flowers sticking out his lower lip and her making a joke that he must be in the doghouse.
Ugh. I think I'm going to be sick for you, gaillajn. I would insist that there be NO ALONE TIME between them, and I would start snooping like a bloodhound.

Make copies of everything you find - can you forward those texts to your phone or email? Make copies of her FB wall and save a copy of her friend's list to a Word doc. This is absolutely an EA at minimum.


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jengail Offline OP
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I feel they are definitely flirting. Her boyfriend was invited to the reception and comedy club. He invited her to come along with him and I to lunch (I've been coming to his office one a week for lunch with him since this began) which I think is awkward.

In one of the texts she sent back she referred to him as "hun" and they've been pulling a lot of office pranks on each other. He switched around her M and N key on her keyboard a couple of weeks ago.


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Originally Posted by gaillajn
I feel they are definitely flirting. Her boyfriend was invited to the reception and comedy club. He invited her to come along with him and I to lunch (I've been coming to his office one a week for lunch with him since this began) which I think is awkward.

In one of the texts she sent back she referred to him as "hun" and they've been pulling a lot of office pranks on each other. He switched around her M and N key on her keyboard a couple of weeks ago.
HUN?? faint

Did you hear your H invite the BF? Because I doubt the BF has a clue about these invites if you didn't. I wouldn't believe your H at this point.

Do you have any friends in that office? Can you show up there at random times, unannounced?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 07/19/11 11:41 AM.

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jengail Offline OP
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I guess I am not sure if he was invited or not. I'd have to go back and read the texts. I think in one of them she mentioned she and her BF could not come because they had plans, but I don't know if my husband specifically invited both or not.

I have been doing snooping with his texts. Unfortunately I know no one in his office and have never met or spoke to anyone he works with.



Me 31
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Married 9 years

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jengail Offline OP
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Really I don't see any way I will be able to gather a lot of information. My husband is not a dumb man, and if he wants to continue meeting with her he will find ways to do it without using his cell phone. They work in the same office all day long. I suppose if things ever crossed over into PA territory there would be more clues as they would have to find more ways to meet outside of the office.

But I can't just sit around and wait and feel these knots in my stomach. I just don't know what to do now. I have made my position and boundaries very clear I feel and he is choosing to cross them.

Do I leave him over this? I just don't know. It feels like he is on a slippery path and disrespecting me and our marriage, that I do know. But what the next step in all of this I have no idea.


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Have you been checking your phone records online to see if he is deleting any texts?

I would make it a point to start dropping in at his work at odd hours, when you 'find yourself in the neighborhood' wink Introduce yourself to his co-workers, or have him do so.

Can you send him a little bouquet of flowers 'just because' - include a florist's card that says something like "Just thinking about you and all that we have and feeling so blessed today." Swing by his office the same or next day to make sure they're on his desk.


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I hadn't been checking his phone records, but am doing so now. I see he has sent out 122 text messages this month so I can track now if any are being deleted from this point forward.

Also, looking through the cell phone log I don't see a phone call between the two of them since June 28th. Although they could be talking on office lines, and I do know they have instant messaging through their employer set up on the computers.

I have plans to go and have lunch with him this Thursday. I can't send the flowers because they share desks and his space isn't really his. He moves to several offices throughout the day and is split between three departments.


Me 31
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jengail Offline OP
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Things keep popping in my head as I sit here at my desk and think. Sorry to make so many posts.

Two weekends ago we were at a birthday party for a younger cousin of mine. There was drinking, and a pool and people started to act inappropriately (skinny dipping)

I found my husband had sent this co worker a text at 2:30am that night/morning telling her about these crazy escapades. I told him this was unacceptable and inappropriate and there was no need for him to text at at that time and about such an inappropriate topic.

His response was he was in such disbelief that people were acting so crazy he just had to tell someone.


Me 31
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Married 9 years

EA#1 6/2005
EA#2 6/2011
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He just sent a text within the last 15 minutes, and it's right around lunch time. He texts three people 90% of the time, her, me and his friend who he has never met up with for lunch and generally only texts on weekends or to make plans.

Pretty sure he just sent off a lunch invite, or responded to one. We'll see if it has been deleted when I get home tonight.


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Not time to go public yet. You need more proof.


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jengail Offline OP
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What do I say to him tonight? Do I bring up that I know for certain they met after he told me he would stop meeting her for lunch. I do have the proof of that from the text messages I found last night.

Also, when he is home from work and there are no text records from today but I have record on the cell providers site he sent them off do I bring that up?

I am so angry and upset right now I don't think I could hold it in. The last couple of times I have tried he knew something was up and it ended up coming out.

Edit: I really don't know the steps to take here. I know if he were having a PA I would need to expose, go to plan A or plan B, etc. But what about in this case? I don't want to sit and watch and wait for this to turn into a PA - I want to nip it in the bud NOW. frown I've already told him how I felt this was disrespectful, and he agreed to stop but is now lying by omission and continuing to do what he said he wouldn't do. So now what?

Last edited by gaillajn; 07/19/11 12:33 PM.

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gallajin, I am sorry you are back with this new problem. I saw you lurking last night and went back and read your history. My Lord. You have a serious problem.

And the basic problem is that your husband is a freeloader who engages in selfish, independent behavior without ever taking your feelings into account. He has been this way throughout your marriage. This recent problem is just one of many manifestations of this basic problem.

Unless and until he changes this behavior, this will be your lot in life. Your future will be one of enduring his affairs and compulsion with pornography.

Since he is headed into his second affair, I would strongly suggest you read up on When to Call it Quits and consider going into Plan B. You have been dealing with his independent, abusive behavior for YEARS and it has to have taken a toll on your emotional and physical health.

For him to do this to you AGAIN after a previous affair means he just doesn't get it and never did. What he is doing to you is cruel.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Can you download the text messages? Print them out? Put the printouts in a safe place outside your home (friend or family)? If you have not yet done this, not yet time to disclose. Gives him a chance to delete the evidence and call you crazy.

What do you do tonight? Act as if you didn't know, and secretly hunt for more evidence to stockpile. Dr. Harley says Radical Honesty goes out the window once you have evidence of an affair. Time to protect yourself. After all, it doesn't seem like your H is being very honest with you, now is he?

Definitely should move this thread or start a new one on the Just Found Out or Surviving An Affair forums.


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jengail Offline OP
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I don't know of any way to download the text messages. Online there is no option for this, just a call log. Our carrier is Sprint so maybe someone else will know? This is a business cell phone account though, so I'm not sure if that will matter.

Edit: After googling it appears Sprint does not keep records of the texts.

Last edited by gaillajn; 07/19/11 12:41 PM.

Me 31
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Melody: He would strongly disagree with you that he ever had an affair. I don't even think he believes EA's are something that exist. It is so hard to talk to him about this because he thinks this is just my insecurity and outdated views on marriage.

Regardless, he does know this bothers me and we have discussed this situation (just the one recently) four times now in depth and he agreed to stop so he is lying and being selfish now.



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Originally Posted by gaillajn
Edit: After googling it appears Sprint does not keep records of the texts.
Not true.

Cell phone carriers are required by law to keep copies of all messages. However, these messages are generally only accessible by court action (e.g., via subpoena).

You may not get access to them simply by asking, but if it comes down to a legal matter, that's another issue.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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