Is watching a tv show together considered UA?

I did this with him last night, but this time it was different. I chose to watch a show with him that he's been trying to get me to watch for years. It's his favorite show of all time and he loves talking about it. I watched an episode with him last night and agreed it was pretty good and we talked about some of the stuff from it for a few minutes. He loves scifi shows, and I've always turned down watching them with him and telling him scifi just isn't my cup of tea.

I know we need to be looking for more quality things than this to do, personally I would love it if we could find more time to go hiking and canoeing - two things we both love and used to do often when we were dating. But I am wondering if something like last night also counts?

noooooooo, because your focus is on TV. But isn't TV watching much less important than being together and meeting each others needs? A better plan would be to hire a babysitter and go out for a nice dinner and a drive.

Some of my BEST UA time is driving in the car together. We really bond doing this. And I heard Joyce Harley mention this very thing on the radio show a couple of weeks ago. She said since it is such good UA time for them that they will plan a dinner at place an hour or two away so they can get in some good drive time.

Gail, a great way to approach this is to actually sit down and schedule the time out for the next week. Write down dates, times, activities TOGETHER. You are much less likely to blow this off if you have a planned schedule.

And this is what it will take at first when you are both reluctant to spend all that time together. After a few weeks, you will be EAGER to do it and less likely to put it off. The reason you will be eager to do it is because you will be more in love. It doesn't take that long for the UA time to start having a major impact on your marriage.

Another good idea is to start this off by going off for a weekend alone. Spending 24/7 together for a weekend is a good start to this new way of life.

I think i did a pretty good Plan A so I'll tell you what I did. (Not as effective b/c my H was still spending 8-10 hours/day with the oompa loompa and fully entrenched in his affair.)

- We went out 1x week for dinner & movie. Someplace new.
- I joined a swim club and we went swimming together 1-2x week - shared a lane so we'd touch each other as we passed, compete for # of laps, etc.
- We'd sneak out of the house for a 1/2 hour walk alone.
- Dropped off DD at relatives for the day on a weekend - maybe 1x month.
- Went to bed at same time - maybe over a glass of wine. We'd talk about what the other did that day or what we were reading.
- Always made sure I greeted him at door with a hug and kiss. Would spend a few minutes after he got home just talking to him.
- Made dinners he liked.
- Made sure I always looked nice.
- Would surprise him the bedroom...leave that to your imagination.
- Played card games together.

I had a lot of help but here are some suggestions on how you may be able to do this without spending a fortune : find a college student to help you in the afternoons (lots of education students looking to get experience as a nanny for not a lot of money); join/start a baby-sitting co-op (you trade nights with other parents).

As far as admiration goes, I complimented my H more but also made sure I didn't interrupt him (a major pet peeve). I also checked with him on everything - what do you think if we did XYZ? I made extra efforts to notice when he did something nice for me, when he made an effort with my DD, etc.

Well I tried getting my mother to babysit tonight. She said she's too tired and has to clean her pool. She agreed to take my older son, but not my toddler. Which doesn't do me much good because I can't get UA time with him here.

Tomorrow won't work either, she has plans.

I feel frustrated. My mother did watch my boys a couple of times recently, but prior to that it had been six months since she last had. She turns me down often, and there are no other grandparents, or aunts, or friends, or other family.

I did find a babysitting site, most charge $10-15 an hour, so doing it once a week would be tough, let alone multiple times per week.

My husband and I aren't part of a church, or any organization, and really don't have many close friends. His only friend is a single male, and the only close friend I have lives an hour away and has two sets of grandparents who watch her boys all of the time so she has no need for swapping.

I feel kind of hopeless right now. I'm trying to do my best here but I just feel like things are stacked against me between no support, and the EA with the coworker.

Then you will need to get the boys in bed earlier and give you both 1 - 2 hours/night of alone time. That may be sitting on the porch drinking some wine and counting stars. Maybe you sit on the patio and play rummy or some time of card game.

Tough~

Gail, just keep on trying. Maybe exchange babysitting with friends, neighbors. Do you have any teenagers in your neighborhood who sit will sit for less? Let's say you hire a babysitter for $9 an hour on Tuesday and Friday for a total of $54 a week.[6 x $9] And then ask your mom to watch them for 6 hours on Saturday afternoon. There are 12 good quality hours right there.

And keep in mind, that this iniative is more important than anything else in your lives. This is not just mad money, this is a very important step for your marriage and your family.

Can you enlist your mother to babysit for you once a week in exchange for some cleaning around her house? Try and think of creative ways to negotiate with her.

My neighbors keep their children away from my son, I assume because of his ASD and the kids/parents find him to be bizarre. I tried inviting them over to my sons last birthday and no one came. He has never received an invite their bday parties. I have asked the mothers if their boys can come over and play, and am given excuses every time.

I'd be a little nervous with a teenager watching my son because he once wandered off and hid in a neighbors bathroom when I had a teenage cousin (who is now a bit older, but has a job and doesn't do babysitting anymore) watching him for a few hours while we went to my birthday party.

He needs to be supervised and be with a person who would be able to calm him down if needed.

I know this is why my mother is reluctant to watch them for me most of the time, one or the other isn't too bad, but combined they are a lot of work.

There have been times my husband and I are so overwhelmed because we have little respite from a child who is very difficult at times, and another who is in a stage that requires a lot of attention and tests limits often.

Would you trust your mother with a heart-to-heart talk and tell her you and your husband are working hard to build a romantic marriage? Many parents aren't awfully involved with their grandchildren, but she may come through if you and she set something up that works for her, too.

You could bring over the little one around naptime or for an overnighter. I know what's it like--I'm a granny, too, but when my daughter and son-in-law wanted to go on a date, I was there for her. Your mother can understand that children can be a bit of a challenge to the marriage in that the couple often has very little time alone together.

Also, you should start looking for a church or other organization where you can make some friends. It's really good to have friends and support when you're parenting. You might find one or two who would love to swap babysitting with you.

If you can't always get out of your house, put the children to bed early and be together without distractions. The older one can be in his bedroom even if he's not going to bed. Often my daughter has to resort to this tactic, because we are living far away for a while with my husband's job. After the bedroom doors are shut, they can have an adults only conversation for an hour or so before they go to bed themselves.

There will always be things to do and tasks to complete, but they are not as important as saving and building your marriage. When things get crazy (they have four young children,) my daughter uses paper plates and very convenient meals so there's not a lot of clean up afterward.

Gail, once you get used to leaving your kids with a sitter, you won't feel so scared. Kids do wander off, that is applicable to all kids, not just yours! My nephew is autistic and he is actually easier to watch than others because all one has to do is put on a Jim Carrey movie and he is in a trance!

Just go places close to home initially until you get over your fears. That way, if something goes wrong, you can come home. Line up some local teenagers and build a list of those who can do well with your kids.

You really need to figure this out, Gail. Not having any respite from these kids is hurting your marriage. And a hurt marriage is NOT GOOD for your kids!

I appreciate the advice, I know I am sounding negative here. I will try to contact a babysitter from the site. There were some who said they had experience with ASD children. Realistically I can pay for one night a week for about five hours (that would run $50-75) but it would have to be done on the weekend since my husband gets home around 6:30pm and we go to bed by 10:30 and have to get things ready for the next day in that time slot as well.

We live in the middle of no where, which doesn't help. There isn't much around here to do, so we usually drive somewhere a bit more populated when dining out, or seeing a movie, etc. So driving time needs to be factored in too if we're to go out.

I am going to initiate contact with a babysitter this weekend and try to get some interviews going in time hopefully for next weekend. That could give me five hours of the UA if I can work that out.

But I'll need to figure out the other 15 hours somehow. I will persist with my mom and try to get her to do it once a week, even if it is for a few hours so we can just grab dinner or go on a walk.

I have told her about our marriage problems, and I think she knows why I am trying to have her babysit more the past few weeks but I guess in some ways I don't want to burden her. She and my step father have been having their own marriage issues, and they run a business and are often on the brink of meltdown and constant stress. To add to that, my 15-year-old half sister is having a lot of problems. Her grades have gone bad, she has been getting in trouble in school and a couple of months ago they found out she was having sex with a boys a couple of years older. I think my mom may be in worse shape than me sometimes.

Good girl!! That is a good START!! Your mother really needs to step up to the plate for you, Gail.


I would put all that less important stuff aside and MAKE TIME for some time alone during the week. There is nothing else that is as important as this. Getting ready for the next day, any of that is LESS IMPORTANT than your marriage. You and your H have plenty of time to go out between 6:30 and 10:30. That is 4 good hours you have for UA time, so I would put these less important things aside.

You can't just bunch up a few hours on the weekend and call it good. If you do that, you are going to be disappointed when you don't get a payoff for your efforts. You need to have good quality UA time during the week to make this work. There is no good reason you can't spread this out and go out during the week too.

It is just too important.

I think a college student who is studying to be in the teaching field or behavioral health field would be a perfect fit for you. Do you have a college nearby?

Joining a church would be good for you too.

You must find a way to meet your H's emotional needs.

I'm going to be harsh here but would you rather spend a few hundred dollars on babysitting or tens of thousands of dollars on a divorce, child therapy, therapy for yourself if and when your husband has an affair and leaves you for OW? That could be in your future.

Think the earlier bedtime is great, too, so you can sit around and talk. But I think you guys could use a little excitement outside the home too.

This is absolutely how you should look at this, Gail. Your marriage is rocky and this is just too important to put off. The UA time is the KEY to falling in love and people who are in love DON'T GET DIVORCED! This is marriage protection we are talking about here.


And your UA time at home should be the minority of your UA time. It is not the best quality UA time because a) it has to be LATE after kids are in bed so it comes at a time when you are both EXHAUSTED and cranky and b) it is too easy to get distracted by domestic chores [oh, I just remembered the clothes in the dryer!], or the phone rings, or there will some stupid show on TV. It is just too easy to get sidetracked and go back to your old habits when you are home. And how attractive do you look at 9:00 at night after a long day of work? I look pretty bad!

Anyway, I think you have a good start on this and I hope you can get some support from your mother!

You guys are completely right, and I am going to make this my #1 priority.

I figure five hours at least with a babysitter should be doable, maybe more if I can find a more affordable one which I will be on the hunt for. Hopefully I can stretch it to more around 8 hours a week with a babysitter. I can definitely do the 2 hours a week meeting with him for lunch, so that would give me almost or up to half of the UA (if I am going for 20 hours)

I will broach my mother about getting in maybe five hours a week with her.

If I can do that I would just need five or so additional hours to make it to 20 hours. We can do this by earlier bed time and I will start doing quicker dinners, paper plates, etc so that I have time to prep things for the next day before H gets home from work. Bedtime for the kids is now going to be at 8:30 (it has been 9:30) and that will give us two hours before bed of time to spend.

H is enthusiastic when we get to go out on dates, but hanging out with me at home not so much. So I think for this reason too trying to get out as much as possible will be better.

Sounds like either recreational companionsip or interesting conversation are imprtant to him if hes enthusiastic about going out....

THAT'S the right attitude!!




And maybe after you restore the love to your marriage by going out alot, you will enjoy being together at home more than you do now. But I do know that DH and I have a completely different attitude when we dress up, smell nice and head out for the evening. It is exciting and we enjoy being together! But when we stay home, it is nice, but not the SAME.

Gail, you will feel so much better personally if you do this. You will have a much better attitude about yourself and your marriage because it can't be easy on you taking care of these kids. You need a break!

Do you have the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook? They sell that cheap on this website and it has the UA worksheet and the RC worksheet. I would get that and tear out the UA worksheet and make copies. Get into the habit of actually sitting down together every Sunday afternoon and scheduling out the time for the next week. THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT. It is too easy to put off time that is not scheduled. The workbook also gives you tips on how to do this, for example, if your time together was not really undivided, then you DEDUCT it. You will BOTH write out the ACTUALs and whoever estimates the lowest amount of time, is the time you go by.

Yes Gail.
Take off your old thinking cap and put a new one on. One that will help you focus on creating a romantic relationship with the man you love and wanted to marry.

The kids are a result of that love.

You have to re-create your life in a way that gives the kids the ultimate care.

A mother and father who adore each other.

yk?

I think I must have that book around here somewhere because I remember doing those worksheets years ago. I'll have a look around. I did start making a list last week of possible date ideas, and came up with some good ideas that we'd both enjoy I think. I tried to think of a few things we can do together that we haven't done before, or haven't done since we were dating to try to make things more exciting and bring back that spark.

An interesting thing happened this evening. My husbands work situation is a long story and I'll spare all of the detail but basically when he was hired he was told he'd be doing one job. When he began he ended up being divided into 3 departments and hasn't been too happy about it but was being told he'd eventually go to just the one he was hired for when things were settled down.

Also, they have everything in one large centralized building. By 2014 that building will be gone and in the meantime they are already beginning to transfer people to one of the new five locations. My husband had just began when people were putting in their request for locations to go to and one of his supervisors filled it out on his behalf.

OW is a manager and he has been telling her for a while now he doesn't want to go to the location they're suggesting he go to and has been trying to figure out how to redo the request form since he never got to initially and everyone else did.

He came home and was MAD because he found out that the job he was told he was hired for is not what he is now going to be doing. He went to talk to his main supervisor and expressed he is not happy being divided up and wanted to know when he was going to work for her dept only (and to get away from OWs dept) and was told that there is no budget for the position they hired him for and he will keep having to be divided up or go primarily under the other supervisor (not OW - whew) He then asked what he should do about the relocation and changing that. She told him that OW was in charge of that and he'd have to go to her.

He came home and called OW a B**ch. I looked surprised and said "You don't have to call her that. I don't hate her and would not call her that myself" -- he said it has nothing to do with me. He apparently has been telling OW for weeks, if not months, that he does not want to go to this other location. She never once informed him of how to change it, let alone that SHE is in charge of making the change. He said she did not change him because it would have required her to do the paperwork and she chose to not mention it to him despite him bringing it up on several occasions that he wasn't happy. She knows he didn't get the opportunity to give his choice because it was his first week when others were filling out the requests.

I asked which location she was going to, and suggested maybe she was trying to get them to go to the same location. He says he doesn't know which locations she chose, and that so far nothing official has been given as to which they'll actually go to. They get to choose 3 sites, going in order of preference but it's no guarantee.

Whew.. sorry I went on for a while even though I said I would not.

Anyway, he has been upset since he came home. He said he has sat and listened to OW complain about her coworkers, the people she manages, and all of her problems and he can't believe she wouldn't lift a finger to help him get a piece of paper work turned in that he is entitled to have changed. There is nothing that says it is too late, his supervisor even notified him of this. It's just a matter of OW having to submit it for him.