I thought the same thing. There is no way this separation was begun over a emotional affair.

Thanks for giving me your thoughts AM. You're right, you are confrontational, and I am not. Exposure and airing my husband's dirty laundry was an extreme step for me. Maybe I am on the road to a new me, because I sort of can't believe I am actually considering getting on the plane. Husband would have made it sooo much easier if he admitted to affair, then I would have no qualms about getting on plane and claiming what is by law my husband and marriage. But regardless, I am seriously considering doing it providing vets and others don't think I am going to push him further away (long term, I realise in short term there will be fireworks). I am worried about chasing too much...

Husband has only threatened to divorce at this stage (text me that after exposure), but it is clearly heading that way with our low level of contact. In Australia you can not file for divorce until 12 months of seperation, so I still have a good 10 months to turn this around. There is no legal seperation paperwork.

I guess I should stop putting my head in the sand like I initially did and accept you and Melody's thoughts on the affair being physical much sooner then I would like to believe!

Melody, my fear exactly! I can't predict his response. I have spoken about this with my parents who have supported me in finding answers and giving it a shot. Interestingly his sister and her husband have suggested I go as well. When I have said he may just slam the door in my face, all seem to believe he could never do this to me... but then I thought he could never cheat! If I go I am counting on the element of suprise, and the fact that for the last 18 years we have been the best of friends and relied on each other a lot whilst overseas, in some ways almost in our own bubble in London as we were each other's largest emotional support, sometimes sole emotional support when travelling on career breaks in foreign countries. If this still failed, I thought I would have to try the shame factor. Sit on my suitcase outside his house whilst all the other staff gossip... I think that may pressure him into letting me in pretty quickly!

I was considering going for two weeks, that should give some time for his anger to wear off? But it is an extreme step and I want to be confident it is in the best interests of saving our marriage, not damaging it further! Thoughts?


Oh but Melody, you underestimate my charm! I do have some unrealistic hope that he will simply fall into my arms, but am aware more likely he will be angry, and then freeze me out... also at this time of year his job is very busy with very long hours, and I suspect he will just work to avoid me... but he has to sleep sometime!!!

I am still dubious about the wisdom of this plan, so Melody and AM please keep offering advice. And anyone else is welcome to give two cents worth.

Caracal,

Well, what are the advantages and disadvantages of going/not going? If you travel to England, you have a stronger liklihood of identifying the OW. You could snoop to see exactly what you are dealing with. You can expose further to those who can exert pressure on them to end the affair. BTW, I find it really discouraging that none of your friends in England would assist with this. Your husband may show interest in you. If you could spend enough time with H, you could plan A him.

Disadvantages of travelling would be H's potential anger if you "popped in" on him. But other than being mad, what else could be do if you arrived there? Certainly, if he were not civil to you, tossed you out without a place to stay, it would reflect on him to his colleagues.

If you stay in Australia, you could potentially attract him back. Would he have to come back to file for divorce? You said that divorce requires a 12 month separation. How is that determined? Separate residences? Someone just says he/se has been separated for the requisite time? If you visit in England, does that set the clock back to zero? Right now, your H is not talking to you often and you are not having many opportunities to "plan A" him.

I probably missed some considerations. But maybe, this can be a start to making a logical decision.

AM

More on this later, but I would not count on being as successful in making love bank deposits THERE as you were when he was in Australia. The reason being that the OW is right there. When he was with you, the OW wasn't around.

On the other hand, it just occurred to me that if you show up, he would have to either throw you out or tolerate your presence. If he tolerates your presence, it would cause huge conflict in the affair.

Of course, you have to be prepared for the worst if you go and have a plan in place in case he won't let you in.

Ok AM, I am going to use your guidance and just brainstorm a bit here to help me work things out. Oh, and I am also disappointed in UK friends, I have continued texting one on a weekly basis asking for support and information, I know if this is getting back to husband it is a likely LB but I also want friend to know that his choice not to tell me anything does not mean I don't have a right to ask and know. So potential advantages of going...
1. Better snooping access, increased chance of finding out name of OW.
2. Better exposure, able to expose to OW's family / friends and husband's work colleagues (despite them largely knowing). Probably able to talk with OW myself.
3. Could Plan A more effectively.
4. My presence could potentially stop the "out of sight, out of mind" that I think my husband is using to continue affair. I feel at the moment he has no consequences of affair whilst in UK. A pesky wife showing up and reminding all of his friends that he is married may be uncomfortable.
5. I am showing my husband how committed I am to our marriage.

Disadvantages of going to UK?
1. Husband may refuse me entry into house (though more and more I think he would struggle to do this whilst still fitting in with his "gentleman and nice guy" self-image.
2. Husband may just avoid me for the time I am there and tell colleagues to avoid me.
3. I may not find any informaiton and not be able to expose.
4. I may push husband further away by appearing desperate and chasing him.
5. The expense of airfare and losing income.

Advantages of remaining in Australia?
1. It is the easy option both finanically and emotionally. I have a large support network here.
2. I could potentially attract him back here, he does want to move to Australia in the long-term but seems too caught up in affair at present to move. I would just have to wait for affair to end. Maybe I am looking for a magic bullet by going to UK and time and patience is the answer?

Disadvantages of remaining in Autralia?
1. My Plan A is very weak when in seperate continents and he is not exactly chasing me for contact.
2. I am not getting answers about the OW so my exposure was also pretty weak, particularly in that exposure was largely to Australia based people who are easy to avoid by not picking up phone and the different time zones.

(
Filing for divorce in Australia is sadly all to easy AM. It can even be done online!!! He needs a copy of our marriage certificate (which I have and am certainly not going to provide to him, he will have to chase through register). So no, he will not need to return to Australia. I think there is a strong chance he would return for Xmas, eveyone on estate goes to visit family and he would be pretty lonely. Proof of 12-months of seperation is usually a signed affadavit. He is likely to state that the date I left UK (12.4.11 was when the seperation began, but I will contest this as I was not aware of the separation and legally I needed to have had it communicated to me. So date of separation was 18.05 when he stepped off plane to tell me. Visiting in UK does not set clock back to zero, you can live together up to 3 months without clock going back (in an effort to encourage reconciliation I presume).


Thank you AM, you are encouraging me with strategic thinking rather then reacting, although I must say there is part of me that is also desperate for contact with him and I need to be very careful this is not the sole reason why I would get on that plane.

Here is my biggest fear: you go there and are turned back at the door and have a meltdown. If you can have a solid plan in place if that happens, I would feel better for you. Another consideration is that she might be living with him now. Have you considered that?

Melody, doe this mean that you inclined to agree with AM now in that I should visit unexpectedly?

As for conflict in the affair, I so wish!!!

Plan if he won't let me in... I have a fantastic friend who lives other side of London who I could ask to put me up though I certainly wouldn't tell husband of this. She has actually reconciled with partner who left her to marry OW, divorced and four years later they got back together.

Of course, if the OW is living there you would find out her identity quick enough and could go check into a hotel room and start a nuclear exposure campaign. Just thinking out loud here..

Sorry Melody, missed that post. Yes, I can see your point which is why initially after D Day I did not go... meltdown was highly likely. I am certainly not saying it would be easy if he turned me away and I expect to return from UK worse off then when I left, I will likely be back to square 1. Is that reason enough not to take the risk? What am I more likely to regret in a year's time... I really feel our marriage and my husband pre-affair are worth it.

Plan if he turns me away... I can stay at friend and always change flight to return Australia sooner. If she is living with him... as of D Day no, friend told me that they were not living together. Now... who knows? That would cause a meltdown! You have given me something to consider...

My husband text me last night, updating me on the car. Says the mechanic couldn't figure out what is wrong, but all suggestions were very expensive so husband is going to try to pull apart himself (he is very skilled and hands-on, something I have always admired him for). He will "maybe" try to call today but he is working , take care!!! Grrrr I hate that line! So I am going to text back some sort of admiration about his efforts (I am currently reading Gary Chapman Language of Love, still waiting for SAA to arrive). If he calls maybe I will have more information since he wants a "discussion". I am hopeful his dicussion may be a confession, will have to wait and see.

Another update even on the slow weekend hope someone is listening! I text my husband response today, trying to meet some EN with "Wow, mechanics are as expensive as Africa! I appreciate you using day off for car and admire your mechanical ability, saw that in Africa. If car can be fixed, you will sort it. xx"

So he rang tonight... so much for his "discussion" or what I hoped would be a confession, but Melody I took your tips, and it was certainly pleasant, talking about everything from the weather to poor Amy Winehouse. He does not volunteer much about what is going on in his private life, but was talking about working on car a lot, his job (with my prompting) and friends having seen Harry Potter. He updated me on one of his sister's, but otherwise says he has not been in touch with anyone from Australia. And he has not been watching TV... I can guess what he does with his spare time!!! At least I encouraged him to talk more and listened, again thanked him for efforts with car.

It really hurts that he sounds happy, and he is about to sign a contract with employer, discussing higher wages. He is clearly not looking at returning to Australia anytime soon, OW has certainly changed his priorities. I am really hurting!!! The phone disconnected (or possibly she showed up?). Sorry Melody but I did not follow advice to end call, I was too busy hoping he was going to move on to confession. Besides, my mother is going to hospital tomorrow and he knows that so of course I would be home with her.

And that was it for his "discussion". He has not even raised exposure!!! What is that about, can someone explain how I exposed over 2 weeks ago, and my husband has not spoken about it with me! Has my exposure been that ineffective???

I can't comment on why he hasn't brought up exposure, I haven't been around here long enough to know. Are you sure he knows about it?

MelodyLane suggested you hang up with him wanting more, because men are supposed to chase women. Let him hang up, still wanting to talk to you, so he will still be thinking about you, even when he is with OW. Any time and space that you can take up in WH's mind, is less space that OW can take up. And the more he keeps from OW, the better for you. So next time, do as ML suggested. Talk just enough to add some LB$ and then, all of a sudden be busy. Say something like, "Oh wow, is it that time already? Well, I gotta go." It will leave him wondering, and you looking fine.

Caracal, you did great keeping it nice and pleasant! And I hope you didnt try and call him back after you got disconnected?

What did you decide about flying out there?

And I don't have any reason to believe your exposure was a failure. I have no doubt it caused conflict in the affair and made people look at them differently. Don't worry about that.

Thanks for the input Scotland. Yes, husband certainly knows about exposure, I know one sister rang him after me email and got the text from him stating he would get the divorce done asap as we both needed to "move on". I just find it very bizarre that last phone call when I had to go he said we needed to have a "discussion about things" which I thought would at least mention exposure, but then when he rings again he does not mention any "discussion". I guess he is either feeling so guilty, so far in denial or trying to be easy on me given mother going into hospital... who knows really, maybe he doesn't! I still find it difficult not to over-analyse, I think way too much!

Thanks for the pat on the back Melody. After any contact I really beat myself up about things I did or said, you make me realise I am not doing that badly given the circumstances. And no, I stayed strong and did not ring him back, did not even text him.

As for flying out there... my gut says go, my head says no. Scotland and your posts make me wonder if I will do more damage by going by "chasing him". But I also feel I need answers in some sense. The issue is I may not get them, but at least I tried? I am going to decide about flight after my mother's tests today, that should give me some indication of where her health is at. But I am thinking if all good, I would fly out there this week.

Meldoy, are you sitting on the fence about my going to London out of concern for my wellbeing (and thank you if you are) or out of the damage it could potentially do to chance of reconciliation?

BOTH. I worry about you showing up and a big scene ensuing. That is what would happen IF IT WERE ME! A big brawl would be a disaster and I just want you to anticipate anything before you go. If you think you can do that, you might be able to pull off getting the OW's information which would make it worth it.

And here is the other issue I have with it. You are not going to get the same reaction THERE that you got in AU. The reason is because he is too close in proximity to the OW there. You are likely going to encounter a cold shoulder.

If your mother is ILL, I think that would be a PERFECT REASON to get on a plane and go there. Just show up at his door with your suitcase in tow, "honey, I'm home!!" But be prepared for the OW to answer the door. If that happens, I would step inside and tell her "Please leave immediately."

And if I avoid the brawl, do you think I have avoided damaging chance of reconciliation?



Do you think this cold shoulder damage the Plan A I have been doing if I continued to Plan A despite it?


Why if mother is ill? I doubt I would get support (although last night he did ask about her) and wouldn't that then be wrong in Plan A as he won't be meeting my EN's?

I thank you Melody for throwing up ideas, it is getting me to think it through more. You are advising me against it, and I respect your opinion so will give it more thought. I know going would be extremely hard, but I think I could maybe pull it off. And it would certainly send a message to husband about my commitment to marriage and wanting to know the truth.

Armymama if you are reading, could you give me a link to how you pulled off arriving at husband's, as I have read some of your posts but am unsure if you suprised him or were invited?

Right.


Oh no, it won't damage it at all. I just want you to expect that so you don't get there, get the cold shoulder, and then become upset. I EXPECT you will get the cold shoulder.


I don't understand this question. I think that your mother being ill might cause him to support you and that would be good.

I am not really advising AGAINST IT. I am undecided and see good points and bad points. Actually, I think overall it is probably the best thing to do AS LONG as you understand what you are walking into. As long as you are prepared for the worst, you will be fine, IMO!

And really, there is no such thing as a perfect plan A. We have to all wing it and make the most of a bad situation. That is all you are doing here. I do trust Armymama's judgment very much, Caracal. She knows MB PLUS she has been in a situation where she lived apart from her H. I am very glad she brings that perspective to this thread.

Thank you Melody, I know I have been hogging your precious input! I will see how my mother is after today, and I will discuss this with my IC today. But I feel I need to go... I know I will be walking into a living nightmare in some sense, but it will only be for a short while and then I can return to AU, and supports. I will need all the help I can get whilst I am over there on how to handle things and venting though!

Armymama, I know my situation is different, but forewarned is forearmed... please tell me how you handled confrontation with husband and if it was a suprise visit or you were invited?

Hi again, still really hoping Armymama may see above post. Also, spoke with IC today regarding going to London... she in some sense coached me through dealing with this in a positive way, how to deal with anxiety etc. But there were a few things that challenged my thoughts and just wanted to think out loud here, any opinions welcome.

She said that my husband has most likely started to heal over our failed marriage... that the one who leaves heals quicker and it sounds as though from the nature of his contact with me that he is getting over me. That hurts and causes me to lose hope, but there is probably a lot of truth in it.

Secondly she indicated that although I feel like I may be meeting some of his EN's, his opinion would probably be that I meet none, and OW meets them all.

She was trying to steer me into having the goal of getting answers out of my visit (is there a chance for us and if not, why not?), rather then step towards reconciliation. True, I want answers, but I also want to show commitment to marriage. She thinks I should be upfront as soon as I arrive about my purpose, and pursue those answers from him... whereas I was intending to Plan A and not really raise relationship.

Her suggestion to focus only on "me" rather then marriage does not seem to fit MB or does it? Am I missing something... I have never had much faith in counsellers but thought I would give it a try. So far in four sessions I am still ambivilent about how it is going although it does help to have someone to unload to.