Can you visit him at work, and while you are there ask him to show you his email?

Work phone and email are bad ones for me too. I eventually got so upset about her having his work phone number, that H eventually put in a request to change his number.

As for the email, H took a screen copy of his email program at work and sent it to me. There was no proprietary information that could be seen, but I could see who was emailing and the subject.

I think those two things help to settle my stomach as to her contacting him at work. I am not overly concerned about it any longer, but I think that has more to do with knowing POSOW moved on in our case.

Hoping things get better for you.

Thanks Eluna

I think I just get an attack of the anxiousnessess sometimes!

I can't visit at work due to distances involved, there is no way I would ask him to send me a screen shot of his mail as it's way too easy to delete stuff before sending and that would set the paranoia off again, so I have to just make him responsible for his actions.

I don't want to feel like I have to monitor him, if he doesn't value what we are building, they thats his stupidity and I will be fine in my new life should it come to that.

Realistically as the wise nESRE says, he was so ill and streesed that last 2 years of his A due to all the pressure that I would notice any changes quickly.

I guess it's one of those things I have to learn to live with. I can only change today for me, I can't do it for anyone else.

Oh Tanam,

I know...those triggers are powerful things. The trick is to recognize it for what it is. A trigger. It's normal. Let it pass. It gets easier to do with practice.

I too struggle with the work "loophole". The only control I have there is to make my presence known to his colleagues. I have tried to make a connection with each of them and they know me as a real person who is like everyone else. Would they clue me in if something is going on? I don't know ...but I don't know what else I can do. I have to believe that there are still a few good people out there who would do the right thing.

Tanam, after the blow that you were dealt, I would be worried if you DIDN'T have that uneasy feeling that it might happen again. It is your natural instincts working to keep you from getting hurt again.

The best remedy, and I say this from personal experience, is to keep snooping and validating. You do this secretly. As time goes by and you continue to find nothing, your trust and sense of security grow stronger.

Have you thought about some type of GPS device? If contact with Ginge picked up at work, then surely they would start to meet somewhere. That might be the best way to catch it. I know you don't want to spend the rest of your life playing PI, but it helps to have tools in place for when you get that feeling and need to validate.

My best.

P.S. Don't contact Ginge...don't open that door.

Thanks Pokerface,

I am usually quite good at managing triggers, I notice them, and then focus on something else, it was just 3 big ones in a row that knocked me.

No I won't contact Ginge, won't give her any opportunity to sneak under the wire!!

Snooping is very hard, as detailed before email was work based, phone number public GPS a possibility but in reality where they used to meet was somewhere he goes a lot for work as well!! He also travels a lot during the day for work so they could meet anywhere en route, which was what they used to do!!

The work thing is a loophole I think I will have to live with. And I do think that he would tell me, if not explicitly, IYKWIM, by his behaviour. So I guess I need to practice what I preach

Remain in the moment, in the marriage and be aware of change in either direction.

Currently I really have nothing more I can ask him to do. He's trying, trying really hard, it's just those pesky gremlins that sneak in and whisper things that feed my insecurity.

Time and Patience!!

Again, this is why relocation is recommended.

The short-term inconvenience will be justified.

In other words, the loss is less than the gain, and the sacrifice of a new location, new work, etc is more than worth it.

nice idea but it's his business, other people's jobs would go.

Not something that I can live with, not something I need to live with, it's only occasional triggers when I have to pass through her town or work near her office which is 50 miles away so it's not often.

Moving would mean I loose my job which I love and being 50 something, not yet ready to retire.

So no, I can manage the triggers, just need a place to vent occasionally.

Thanks tho!!

Ok so it is sounding like you are saying he owns the business. Short of owning a retail store, he should be able to change his personal line or at least provide you with an itemized call log to help with your triggers.

Have you asked him about this?

At first I did not want to ask H about it because I was afraid he would get in trouble (he is an employee, not a boss). I felt like if I inconvenienced him, he might leave me. But it got to a point I realized he had left me, the entire time he was involved in the A, he had left me. So what did I have to lose really, if I asked him to prove to me that he was no longer cheating? "Prove it" became a very common phrase for a couple of months in our house when triggers were really bad.

Just food for thought.

It's been a long while since I posted an update so thought I would pop in!

I don't visit often any more, the SAA forum triggers me in ways I really don't need any more.

We are doing well, the Ginge is now in the past, not mentioned and hardly visits in my mind any more. There are still the odd days when I think again about popping a VAR in his car, but then I think
a. if there were to be anything I would have to deal with it
and
b. there is nothing to be gained from it.

Life is good, we talk lots more, we spend lots of fun time together, we haven't had 'words' for months and we are both more loving than I ever thought possible.

If he is still in contact, well thats his problem, she is a crazy woman and to be honest would by now be putting so much pressure on him that he would be iller than he was before the final Dday. There is nothing to suggest it.

He looks better than he has for years, he is attentive and wonderful.

We didn't follow all the MB steps, (he never changed his phone or email, I didn't do a nuclear exposure but the important folks knew) but did institute NC and 20 + hours a week including talking time, but not talking about the A which came to be the real turning point. We have recovered from the hell of this affair, and built a new and real relationship where we respect each other and enjoy each other (in every way).

The support I got from this site helped me through some of my darkest days, not always directed to me, but also by reading other peoples stories too. My FWH never visited here, he read a few things and seemed to agree with them but largely we have drawn a line underneath it all and decided to move forward.

What happened happened, I can't change that and neither can he, what we can do is to accept what was and build on what we have now.

On our 20th Wedding anniversary his card to me said thank you and that he was looking forward to the next 20 years.

I see us as through the worst, and on the way to a happier future.

And yes, I fell in love with him again despite all the hurt and he fell back in love with me.

so thank you and to those still struggling, hang on in there, if it's what you both want, the principals here work.....I never thought I would be as happy and peaceful as I am today.

Just realised that I haven't thought about leaving for ages now.

I think thats the thing that has convinced me we are well on the way because for a lot of this year, that was on my mind, when, where to, what about the cats etc etc etc!

And he made my birthday magical.

Glad to know what is possible after all this.

I feel like I'm watching a ping-pong tournament going back and forth between your posts!

Mike\s story and mine are very similar!

There aren't many of us who are dealing with LTA of years.

It's a year today since he last saw her, when he took her and her daughter to Alton Towers to see the fireworks. I got an evening at the local tiny fireworks display!!

I know he is feeling the loss today, and plan to make it a warm snuggly day for the two of us.

I would love to ask him how he's feeling, would love to talk about it for an hour, but I know that would make him feel rubbish so I won't.

I will focus on us, I will focus on us.....but it's hard, I want him to know that I know, but he knows that anyway!!

Such a shame that fireworks night will have this memory for both of us for ever. (I love fireworks!)

Onwards and upwards, will just remind him how much I love him and remember how far we have come.

Tanam,

I'm sorry you're feeling triggered by the fireworks. The thing is, your H may not even think twice about it since he is happy to be focusing on the present and future - and not the past. That's what I've found, anyway: that I'm the one thinking about these things or thinking about HIM thinking about these things - and my H just isn't.

You do such a good job of not beating him with a stick every time you're triggered.... congrats on that!

I know it's a fine line of needing to be validated and open about your own feelings while trying in earnest to not lovebust. If there is something you need from him, remember to ask, don't just let it slide.

I'm sure you will find a way to make it a GREAT day!

How about this for a trigger?:

My wife is adorable. Always was. Of course I notice how she dresses and certainly since dday I do lot of complimenting on her clothes, hair, and whatnot.

But, lately, as I see her dressed for work, her "cuteness" in boots or jeans or anything has been triggering some anxiety.

Not for the thought she is running out and seeing him today because I have no concern this is a possibility, but for the times she's left the house looking like that for him.

Yes. Still exhibiting jealousy. If only I can listen to what Celtic Voyager said many moons ago to me, "you won, she picked you". Five words at times seem so elusive.

Triggers suck.

Mike,

I know EXACTLY how you feel....still, to this day -- and boy, do I wish this would go away -- there are times (even Friday night, when the 2 of us went out on a double date) when my beautiful wife comes wisking around the bedroom corner from the bathroom all dolled up....just like those Friday nights she left me at home to watch the kids so she could go to Friday's with "Sue"...errr, OM.

Not good, trying to be better.

It's funny, I'm having the exact opposite problem. Since beginning recovery a year ago, H doesn't seem nearly as interested in his appearance as he was during that time he was involved in the affair. You know, the usual: working out, weight loss, shaving all the time, buying new clothes....even used hair remover on his back and all that jazz!

Now? For me? Uh....I guess I'm not worth all that. Doesn't need to do all that stuff for ME... just for POSOW, I guess!

What a difference a year makes. This time last year all I could think about was moving out, leaving the mess and starting over.

This year, I rarely even think about leaving, we don't argue, we enjoy each other and have had a good time.

When we were putting up the christmas decs I came across my card to him from last year, I wrote in it that I hoped we could make this the best year ever. (I don't think I believed it would be but was trying to say that I will work on this....will you?)

Well a year on and I think we probably did. We are aware of each other and our feelings, we are gentle with each other and we don't mention the A much at all. It does come up occasionally, mainly because it went on for so long that there is shared history. We went away fro a long weekend a couple of weeks ago. I had booked a cottage on line and when we arrived it was just like ginge's house! The similarities were striking. It took 2 days before we mentioned it and that led to a bit of a chat.

I was relieved when he said that he knew it was the best thing to end it, but he still has residual feelings and misses stuff he used to do, like taking her and her child out for special treats at Xmas but knows that he made the right choices for us. So....

Onwards and upwards into 2012, I don't visit here much now, it does trigger me into where i was this time last year but lurk occasionally.

I think the key was being clear about what was needed, making 15-20 hours UA time, breathing before speaking, focussing on the here and now rather than the past, and absolutely NO CONTACT from either of us with Ginge, much as I have wanted to slap her silly!!

I was lucky in that although she wanted him, he wanted a friend and got stuck, due to his appalling lack of backbone, in a relationship that caused nothing but hurt. He never wanted to leave me, always loved me and realised just how close he got to loosing everything.

I wish you all a Merry Xmas and New Year full of better things.

Tanum

Good to see you 'lurking' in on us from time to time.

Happy for you two.



nESRE