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AP was a person who came to my work a couple of times on a project but no longer is with the project. I have not contacted her in 3 years nor do I want to. I wish I could turn back time. I hate what I did. My wife and I aren't talking right now. It was my idea to put the house on the market. 1st it was to move to a different state to start fresh but she wouldn't do that. It better to sell the house and start fresh even if we stay in the same town. Agree with what wulffpack_girl said about home being refuge. The same thing happened with me.

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HerPapaBear- I probably confused you a little on the house. Another reason I asked her to put on the market because the said she may never come back here. It is too big of a house for 2 people (now 1)

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I am at my wits. I don't know how to get her to give me another chance. Any advice on how to deal with separation?

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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
I am at my wits. I don't know how to get her to give me another chance. Any advice on how to deal with separation?


First, you cannot "get" her to do anything. You already know this, I'm sure, but you need to repeat it to yourself.

How to deal with seperation,,,,, One day at a time and if necessary, break the day in to smaller periods of time. You'll be fine if you'll just do the things that need done around the home and at work and develope a daily routine.

What you can do for your marriage..... Read HNHN and then read Love Busters and then read HNHN again.....

What you can do for your family..... Spend time with your kids, whenever possible, and get to know them a little better as adults.

Hang in there!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted By: wulffpack_girl
And too, think of it this way. We - the FWS - were our BS's home, their refuge...or should have been. The purely physical/material "house" per se is not the problem - because it is the people who live there who make a house a home.

"Home" is where you are supposed to feel safe, protected, valued. "Home" is where you are supposed to feel accepted. We failed to do all those things for our BS's.

So here I sit, trying to maintain a "house" that in truth, is no longer a "home" for me, either. .


Just part of what you said WPG, that strikes home in the trigger dept with me also.

I moved to this state and city to be closer to my wifes church, and make it mine, and to work in a more conducive area for higher skilled technical people, but mostly, the reason I came here, was to get as far away from her sister and drinkng as possible, and because of my W promises that she would not drink if she was close to the church. Studying Gods word and being able to find how , and this seemed to be a key for her, she could keep falling into drinking, and then expect everyone to forgive her the next day, because thats what Jesus does, was how life was supposed to be led.

HaHA yeah that was a joke, but every time I would plead with her for Gods sake and our childrens sake to get extra help, she would pull the "you don't understand, my Pastor does, you don't know the bible, I have studied it for years, God says I don't have to identify myself with who I was,(Yay, I didn't want to either, and didn't treat you like you were, I get it),I am a new creation, and you don't get it."(Yes I do)

I thought, this church must be able to see that it would take more than blind, "behavior modification" and condemnation for this woman, my two year stint away from her refusing to live with the way she acted had brought her back to God, stopped her bingeing, caused her to connect with solid friends that held her accountable, and gave me hope for us to grow together. If she was hiding from the truth whithin the church, I would fight that also. I would fight anything that was harming her, including any lies that she bought into, or were being propagated by her church. I would fight for my wifes life.

So the main point here, is that I moved here for my wife and family, for their mental and emotional health, and to get away from her sister who was a trigger. If the church was what you needed to stay sober,(yes it did suck that we were not enough), and you wanted to argue that I did not know God enough to be a good husband, well lets go I will fight for your heart and trust, God hates a coward, and this was a battle I was determined to fight, for the peace of my wife and children.

So why do I stay here in this city now? Its been 23 years and there is nothing to stay for. The jobs burned out because I did. Even though I shined in all of them the reason to have them is gone, the dream vanished, I couldn't pull it off, just too much to overcome I guess. But my children are here, and I don't want to leave them, and I can build a life anywhere with the right attitude, and that is what I really lack. Untill I get over myself and get a balanced outlook where I know first, then feel comforted so I can be confident again to live well, and pursue what will make me happy and hold my head up I am laying low and seeking healing. Taking on any challanges besides my own lack of understanding is backseat, and just taking care of myself is the priority, as it should be. Moving somewhere now to me would worry my children, and I want to spend some time with them now also in having fun also. Time is short.

I will have to adjust my attitude, see the silver linings, turn things around for myself, make life what it should be, take control of my thoughts and future. What I need is a vision, a plan that I can work for and be confident in, regaurdless of success or failure, it is the good struggles that life is all about.

Proverbs 29:18
Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

I need a new dream/vision, one with positive substance that I can believe in. Colledge is a possibility, and I have a lot of interests, but I have to do something financially sound also, and that will all be worked out over time, as long as I work on it realistically and responsibly. But nothing will replace the passion, although misguided, that I had put into my wife and kids and our marriage. I have this site to thank in understanding what went wrong, and being a stable and real place to learn also that I was not alone.


Doing what is right reguardless of the temptations to feel sorry for myself is critical for me. I give credit to my Mom and Dad for being the strong examples they were, even though they divorced, and were not perfect people, they did the best they could in life with the tools they had. They are unique people.

As far as this place I live, the triggers and memories of this city, I guess it might be easy to leave if I had somewhere to go that had promise of doing something better, but being here for the children is the smart thing to do right now, because they are still making thier way, and catching up on the growing they lost while Mom was a wreck, and they were so confused.

I will make this place my home, and deal with the enviroment for what it is, an enviroment, but if I was in the position to leave anyplace for the protection of my familys peace, I would do it again, just like that, nothing is more important to me than that. In the case of infidelity, I would be gone as soon as I could, to put the pain behind us, but correcting the reasons for infidelity are more important, and protecting the marriage, because those things come with you, and make anywhere a home.

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Sure is tough not talking. House is up for sale and I am reminded of my lousy choice that led to this. I have totally repented and been transparent. I had read a lot on this site about BS wanting their spouse back and working on it. What about the other side? I am a WH and need advice on how to handle the situation. How long do I hold on for her to make a decision to stay in the marriage or get a divorce. I hope she wants to work on the marriage but it is all up to her. I know it is my fault we are here but need advice and don't need to be reminded of what I did.

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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
How long do I hold on for her to make a decision to stay in the marriage or get a divorce.


You hold on for as long as it takes!

You demonstrate your love for her by holding on....

Once you've read HNHN and LBer's you'll have a better grip on what you can do and how to do it!





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Originally Posted By: HurtCobra
Sure is tough not talking. House is up for sale and I am reminded of my lousy choice that led to this. I have totally repented and been transparent. I had read a lot on this site about BS wanting their spouse back and working on it. What about the other side? I am a WH and need advice on how to handle the situation. How long do I hold on for her to make a decision to stay in the marriage or get a divorce. I hope she wants to work on the marriage but it is all up to her. I know it is my fault we are here but need advice and don't need to be reminded of what I did.


You have all the time in the world to wait for her now. What would you like to do? You are a smart man you know you can't run away from this.

If I were you I would be thankful she doesn't believe two wrongs make a right, that is the strongest card you have, that she is "thinking" about it after all this time. I don't think she has a hardened heart towards you, but she needs help to figure this out.

If you read those books, and spend some time in prayer, you will see that "hope maketh not ashamed", and the best thing for you is to show her you will wait untill the end of time for her, and mean it. The best thing FOR YOU.

Take a breath, you are doing all you can right now, there is no quick fix, and free will will allways be in play. She will have to make the decision, just make sure she has the information.

God Bless


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Thanks everyone. Great advice. It is tough when I don't talk to her and I don't know which way the wants to go?

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I hate to say this but I understand totally how your wife feels. I too want my happiness back. My husband has and is doing everything he can to show me that he is remorseful, he loves me and really wants me. Unfortunately, I hate to say, I'm at the point where your wife is. I don't want to be a victim anymore, I'm tired of him and the ow dominating my daily life with the thoughts and memories that won't go away. I want to be happy again and I just don't think he can do it for me anymore. I'm tired of obessing over him and the ow. Wow, the way the did me was out of this world. It's almost been a year but there hasn't been one day that has gone by that it hasn't popped in my head. Her body on my husband, his hands on her, the things he told her and she told him. It just makes you sick to your stomach. I'm sorry but I so understand where your wife is coming from and I don't believe she is cheating.

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jaylatx,
It is great to hear from someone in my wife's position. Did you do any of the counseling through MB?

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So now my wife doesn't return any email or texts. She is so angry because she thinks I put words in my daughter's mouth. Two days ago we met in a parking lot and she was very angry and called me all kinds of names like arrogant, pathetic, etc... I am none of them and just wonder what it will take for her broken heart to mend

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I do empathize, HC. All you can do is be gentle, patient, and, well, more patient...it is not easy. Your kids are older than mine are - unless I'm remembering your thread wrong, I thought your DD was in her 20's? If so, I'd guess she can speak her own mind, but I can see how/why your BW would think you'd put words in her mouth. WS's are manipulative and sneaky, and making the ones we hurt believe we have changed is tough. Sometimes it seems impossible, I know.

Just a thought - have you asked her the question above? Asked her what it would take - maybe not so much for her broken heart to mend - but what, if anything, could you do to help her feel safe enough with you to let you help mend her broken heart?

Look, I know the anger that you get hit with hurts, but as a FWS myself who is also on the receiving end of anger, we can't say that it is undeserved, you know? It's worse when you don't have time to prepare for it, but whenever it comes, try to remain calm and steady. If they didn't care at all, our BS's wouldn't be so angry...I always cringed to face my H's anger, but someone pointed out to me once that it's a slip into the "conflict" state, which is a sight better than the "withdrawal" state. So I try to look at the anger in a positive light (much easier after the storm has passed and I've had some time to regroup and look back at what happened, what he said, what I said, sort of like formulating an action plan for the next time based on what occurred).

Anyway, back to that question - think about how you could ask that, and then start thinking of some gentle, low-key ways to pursue her.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Thanks WPC. It amazing the insight you have. I see where she held all this anger in and it is now coming out. I hope we can save our marriage before divorce. I have asked her about what it would take for her to mend and she doesn't know. I need to learn patience, not smother her, and hope for the best. It seems like the wrong thing to do because I want her to know I am strong and love her. I had hoped she would want to fight for our marriage but right now she is so angry she can't think about that.

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HC,

I highly recommend you buy the book, "The Power of a Praying Husband".

Read from it daily and follow their suggestions.

You will gain some amazing insights as you read and pray.

Are you game??





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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HPB- I will check it out

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