Oh, I almost forgot to mention. He is thinking about quitting and said he is going to be looking for something better to come along. I of course encouraged him to do this and will continue to, and even look for new jobs for him.

Hey, gaillajn,
Happy to hear the update and the can-do attitude. I know babysitting can be expensive, but that's what it often takes to make a good marriage. My FWH travels for business at times, and our new rule is that I go with him, in order to avoid spending nights apart. That gets expensive, too, what with airline fare (we live on an island and that's our only way off) and extra restaurant meals that we have to pay for, etc. But the alternative is an atmosphere that is often dangerous to the marriage and me at home wondering if he's behaving himself. The price for peace of mind and to keep a marriage is incalculable.

Has he seen a different side to her after all? Maybe, if so great.

Please remember that he has already tried to throw you a few red herrings already though (telling you that she doesnt like him drunkenly texting her was definitely one - you dont do that to people who wouldnt appreciate it!)

Talking about leaving his job and actually leaving are two different things.

It just seems a very fast turn around from sulking because he couldn't lunch with her. Now he cant stand her?

Are you still snooping? What are your snooping methods?

Since he is aware that you don't like her he may have gotten sneakier. If you smile, nod, agree with the red herrings, he may get careless though.

I hope it is nippped in the bud, but make sure.

Carriers also only keep them for 5-10 days. If this makes it to court don't count on using text messages for your case.

Indiegirl: I agree he might be trying to throw me off. He is legitimately upset, that I have zero doubt about but I feel it is probably more due to the other issue and not so much the relocation.

I have heard him say several times he needs to get the location thing sorted though. He is not happy about where they are wanting to send him. I think he probably is irritated with OW if she didn't help him when it was her responsibility and sat and listened to him complain knowing full well she could help if she wanted to.

But mad enough to think she is a B word? I think he said that to throw me off as well.

I don't know if he'll really leave, but before yesterday I was convinced there would be no way to get him to. I am not happy that he is being jerked around at work, but the timing could not have been more perfect as I have spent the past few days thinking of ways to convince him to quit.

So far the only think I have done to check up is monitor his cell phone. So far, no deleted texts and no phone calls to her phone or any office phones where he works. They could still be talking at work, no way for me to check up on him there.

He's come home from work on time, and there have been no lunches purchased this week. I am keeping track of him going out to restaurants, coffee shops, etc. Especially looking for transactions that would indicate two people went, or anything more than a block or two from his office because I doubt he'd travel that far alone.

Also will be watching for ATM transactions. We never pull out cash and use our check cards for everything. If he pulls cash out suddenly I would know he was trying to hide me knowing where he's spending money.. so far none though.

Even the fact he's being jerked around could be a lie and just a play for time or reason to complain about her.

If hes that suspicious hes not going to use his phone or do anything too obvious - though they do get careless sometimes.

What about a Voice Activated Recorder in his car so you could hear if they talk in his car together? He may also call her in the car on his phone or on a secret affair phone?

GPS in the car to track his whereabouts, you can get gps installed on his phone too. reports sent to email.

Keylogger on the computer will give you a record of everything via email he does online, such as instant messaging etc

Set up a fake email address for the reports and for the receipts from companies before you buy. You dont want him seeing 'thanks for buying a var from us' messages in your account.

Getting a PI also an option

I got my GPS and VAR from ebay, but UK companies.

Can you purchase these things without him seeing it the bank transaction? The companies I used appeared on statement like they were just electronics companies. I had an excuse lined up that my brother wanted me to order him some speakers, but that his internet connection crashed as he was bidding.

Well the weekend went well. We got along pretty well, were laughing and enjoying each others company. He kissed me and told me he loved me while we were lounging around a few times.

Last night he went to go get an older laptop of ours to play a video game. I had left up a thread, his email, and his facebook on the screen. Apparently the battery died on me and I forgot to ever log back in (to log myself out) so he read a thread I made about this topic only it wasn't over here at MB. I had began dicussing this topic on the LS forum and came over here because I knew I'd receive better advice.

Anyway, what I said over there isn't much more than what I posted in my very first post. I've divulged far more here.

Even though my husband found this last night, he still decided to eat a midnight snack with me, have sex with me, and then wait until morning to bring it up. But he is extremely upset with me this morning and said I told "half truths" and twisted things. I asked him where I'd said a half truth, and told him everything I said in there I had said to his face.

He brought up the flower thing and sarcastically said "Yeah, I know I am such a bad husband. I go and buy my wife flowers. What a jerk."

He walked out the door to go to work. No goodbye, no kiss, he is pretty angry. Not sure how to smooth this over. As I said, I did not say anything there I hadn't said in person. I did not bash him. I actually said our marriage was going well up until this new friend, and commended him on his honesty with me about her initially.

All but one reply over there was in my favor. I think he sees me as twisting this, although I haven't - because it came from my perspective and some of the time I am guessing or going off of gut feelings. I also think he is angry that everyone agreed with me, including men and some people told me I should leave him.

I of course don't want to leave him, which is why I hopped over to here because I want solutions to save our marriage.

I think his reaction is a sign of the FOG. You have told the truth and he just doesn't like it. So sorry. That is his issue to deal with, gail. Don't apologize.

He also made a sarcastic remark regarding the comment I had made over there on our marriage being good up until this. He said I am doing my best to screw that up.

Standard nonsense.

After I exposed to my WSTBXH's work and family, he told me that I was making it impossible for him to ever come home again...But I guess sneaking out with OW in middle of the day (while at work) to have sex with her was bringing he and I closer together.

This is meant to deflect from the attention you are paying this issue and throw you off the scent. He wants to crawl back in his hole and you are bringing the light.

Its just a good excuse for him to have a go at you. Waywards love drama and to blame you for that drama. My h decided to have a go at me because someone else drove into my car - while it was parked in my companys' car park, someone hit it. Somehow that was my fault. It makes it easier for them to cheat on you if they can tell themselves you are either so bad they can't bear you or so good you make them feel bad!

I have to admit, I do feel bad about the flower thing. Yes, it was very sweet of him to bring me flowers - and maybe there was nothing sinister behind it. But three weeks in a row, and her being there with him when he picked them up. It just made me wonder if he was trying to show me affection, or impress her?

He also brought up two things from a long time ago this morning. He mentioned he's not the one who "slept with her ex boyfriend while we were dating" and "he's not the one who showed himself naked on the internet"

These two things are true. My H and I met online back in 1999. We began e-dating I suppose and after a couple of months I flew to meet him for the first time. We did a long distance relationship and my ex-bf was trying to win me back. I felt lonely, the LD relationship was difficult. And at the time I didn't know how if we would work out. There were no plans for me to move in with him or vice versa. At that time he was a guy I really liked, but who lived 1400 miles away and I had my doubts if it would work out and gave my ex a second chance. It lasted maybe a week when I realized I didn't want to be with my ex, and I wanted to be with my now H and I ended things. I told my H what happened and never tried to conceal it. My H would not have ever found out about it had I not confessed. I'm not saying it was right, it wasn't.. but I did confess it to him and this was long before we were married, or even in a serious relationship. I was nineteen years old.

From 2002-2005 my H and I worked opposite schedules after the birth of our son because we could not afford daycare. He worked overnights and I worked days. I would see him for a few minutes before I left out the door to go to work and then again when I got home from work right before he went to bed, and then when he woke up he left for work. This took a huge toll on our marriage. We grew apart and this is when the porn really started becoming an issue as well as the EA which occurred in 2005.

When I was sitting at home alone, I found a forum and wound up posting a picture of my breasts as well as some pics of myself in lingerie. I confessed this to him and told him that there was no excuse, and that I was behaving poorly and not being a good wife. I have never posted these sorts of pics of myself again. This happened six years ago.

I feel hurt he brought these up. These were big issues, but they are 12 and 6 year old events. I have not repeated my mistakes, and he never caught me, I confessed in both instances and felt terrible. I realized when I was posting pics of myself I was doing so because we'd grown apart and I didn't feel like our marriage was going to last. Again, not a good excuse, but after I realized why I'd done it I tried to figure out ways to not ever do it again. I've suggested marriage counseling and have taken all sorts of steps to try to make our marriage better.

My guess would be that he did buy the flowers to show her what a thoughtful H he is. Most waywards don't like the ugly truth out there it takes the shine off their pretty fantasy. The rest is just classic blameshifting. If he can push it back on you it takes the focus off what he is doing and gives him justification for what he is doing.

Faithful, as awful as I feel saying it - it is what I think too.

He pointed out this morning that he has a long history of surprising me with flowers. This is absolutely true. We have a policy of no roses on Valentines day (I instated the policy) because roses cost 3x as much, and it isn't as romantic when I know they're coming. I love the surprise of getting flowers sent on a Tuesday for no reason at all, just that he thought of me.

BUT... he does this on occasion. Maybe once or twice a year.

He bought me flowers three weeks in a row, and she was with him. The third time he bought me flowers he bought three separate bouquets. Very sweet, but not something he has ever done before.

He said this morning it was because flowers were so inexpensive at the farmers market, and he knows how much I love flowers.

Man is he making me feel awful over this. Had she not been present I would have never made the connection. It was seeing the photograph of him she posted on her Facebook saying he "must be in the doghouse.. lol" and knowing he was buying these in front of her that made me question his motives. I told him this morning that this is the reason.

gail, don't get too caught up in analyzing his fogbabbly or trying to defend yourself. I would just ignore this completely.

This is an important/difficult part of Plan A because our instinct is to try to reason or educate a wayward when they say/do these foggy things and all it does is result in lovebusters.

Use the broken record technique (come up with a couple of key phrases that you use over and over), change the subject and try to be pleasant.

Oh Gail the more I read, the more I see my sitch and my WH in your words. My WH also bought things for me while he was with OW. It was to make himself look good, and nothing else.

I see a lot of gaslighting going on, he is trying to distract you from HIM. It's like a magician doing a trick, they avert your attention so you can't see what they are really doing.

Plan A. Follow other people's advice, and hope that you have caught this early enough.

Orchids reverse fog babble might help her here with the gaslighting.

Anyone got the thread handy, I cant find it...

Gosh he is all over the place.

Last night he came home from work and acted like nothing had happened and spoke to me normally. I finally said to him that he had dropped a bomb on me earlier, and that I didn't exactly appreciate him drudging up issues from many years ago if he was doing so to get back at me.

He said he just felt defensive, and apologized for what he said.

Got my mother to take our boys, so we went out to dinner and spent a few hours of UA time together. All was going well.

This morning I get up early to go have coffee with him before he leaves for work. We bring up a male relative who has said some pretty ugly things to his wife. My husband says "I'm not an [censored] like that guy" to which I reply "I have never said or implied you are an [censored]. You have poor boundaries and perhaps are naive."

He went right into his speech about how I am ridiculous, and I am insecure. How he is always supposed to accommodate me and how I feel, but I don't reciprocate. I would never do something for him.

I asked what I am doing that is making him uncomfortable that he'd like me to stop. He replied with this issue of having female friends. I told him no, that he knew this was how I felt before he married me. That I feel too strongly about it to go along with it. He said it is irrational, and again remarked on it just being me. He told me those people over at the other forum have all been burned so of course they wouldn't trust another person. But that it is not normal what that he fundamentally does not believe in cheating. That I am insulting him by even suggesting he might. He compared cheating to murder and said it is like I am telling him me might go out and murder someone if he's not careful.

I became frustrated and began crying. I am so tired of this argument. I told him to go ahead and choose her over me, and that I am tired of having my feelings invalidated. I told him to do whatever he wants but that I am not going to change my mind.

His comments are really hurting me. It is just one dig after another, and he is passive aggressive most of the time with me now. I don't know what else to do. I feel like sending him an email right now letting him know how much this upsets me. Is that a bad idea? Or is there something else I should be saying?

Please go to the newsletters section of this website and read "When to Call It Quits" part one and two. The more I read what he's doing, the more certain I am that he's cheating and wants you to feel bad for seeing it. Please read and then post your thoughts about a possible solution. Study up on Plan A - but don't do Plan A for very long. You're already beaten down pretty badly but when you go to Plan B from doing that for a couple weeks at the most, you'll feel all of your strength begin to come back to you.

btw- silence is the best answer because he's already heard you on the boundaries. If he presses, respond "You already have my answer. Would you like a cookie?" and change the subject.