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Let me put it this way, almost every one of us in recovered marriages did so by exposing the affair. I have never known of ONE that ended up "worse than before" because how can you end up "worse than before" when you are headed to divorce?

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Before she even met this guy, since I know exactly when and where she met him, she was saying that things were basically over.


No, you don't know when and where. You only know what lies she has told you. And it doesn't matter that she says things are "basically over," it makes no difference. Most do say that.

As it is now you are headed to divorce. You have nothing to lose and everything to GAIN.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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HelpmeSavIT
Your W is right on track with the Wayward speak. You would be well advised to follow the plan that Melody has laid out for you. This in not a guarantee but, gives you the best chance of saving your marriage if you want.

Of course she is going to call you names because she does not want this to be exposed. If you expose without evidence then she can say you have lost your mind. However with EVIDENCE you can prove what you say. Of course they don't want any fuss.

So as Melody Lane says it is your marriage to loose. However this plan give you your BEST chance. If you want it to be easy and expect her to come back all lovey dovey if you follow her instructions and enable her affair your chances of recovery are greatly reduced. Good Luck

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Help, I will tell you something else about MB. Even if your marriage doesn't survive your WW's A, YOU WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE by using these principles. What you need to do is listen to ML and DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND YOUR SELF RESPECT.

Don't worry about what other people think about what you are doing. Everything that ML is suggesting to you is the RIGHT thing to do.

It IS hard work, and you are going to have to do this for the long haul.

As long as OM is in the picture, your WW won't want to come home to you. BUST UP THIS AFFAIR AND GO AT EM WITH GUNS BLAZING. Man up and fight this affair. Do what's right.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Well, she started blowing her top yesterday. The affair has been exposed to everyone. She began deleting most of her friends from Facebook, changed her name back to her maiden name. She told me to "rot in hell!" She also said not to come to the house unless I call first, and she is there. If not, she will have the locks changed. She said she already has divorce papers, and I just need to sign them. She hates me know and can't stand the thought of me, she's happy I left because the air is much thinner now. Even her sister, whom she is very close with, said she doesn't understand what is going on with my STBXW. She said she knows how much I've always loved her and knows I would do anything for her, but feels there's no going back at this point. Her sister told me "Now that this has happened a second time, maybe it's time to just move on, and she has and always will look up to me as her brother."

I'm honestly not sure what I want to do now. This is definitely not the woman that I was is love with for 13 years.

Last edited by HelpMeSaveIt; 07/28/11 08:05 AM.
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That sounds great! Except I would most definitely not leave your home. Why should you leave? You have done nothing wrong? If she wants someone to leave, SHE can leave. So, go home!

If she starts ranting at you, then tell her you are sure sorry she is upset, and ask her if she would like a potato chip. smile Don't fight, don't cry and don't allow her to drag you into a fight.

Did you allow her to run you out of your home?

Read this thread: Men, do not leave your home!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
. The affair has been exposed to everyone.


When you say "everyone" do you mean EVERYONE? Who? Are there any others left? Because if you are not finished, I would finish up NOW. Get your money's worth out her anger.

And keep up the good work!! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
And, now she knows everything I've been doing (checking internet history, phone bill, etc) to find stuff out. Now, she's calling me a "psycho stalker" and telling me that this stuff is illegal and invasion of privacy.


Do you have a keylogger on her computer? You need to have a better way of snooping on her. Some good keyloggers would be spectorpro or eblaster [this one sends you an email report so you don't have to access the computer again]. You can get it at spectorsoft.com


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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But, it's almost like this isn't an affair anymore. She's decided she wants a divorce, says she has the papers, and has moved on to a new relationship. Why should I stay to fight a losing battle? It just makes me sick to my stomach being there.

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
But, it's almost like this isn't an affair anymore. She's decided she wants a divorce, says she has the papers, and has moved on to a new relationship. Why should I stay to fight a losing battle? It just makes me sick to my stomach being there.


Are you French? Because I have never seen someone who wanted to surrender so badly. If you don't want to fight for your marriage, that is fine. Just give up and don't waste our time.

But, if you want to save your marriage like we have, you are going to have to man up and fight for your marriage. you have to do some work here and stop running every time you run into some conflict. You are at WAR, Sir, and unless you want to fight, you are going to lose.

The problem is the affair and if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to stop rushing to surrender to the OM and MAN UP. We did not save our marriages by running from the first sign of conflict and you won't either.

If you want your marriage, then get your ass back home, Sir. Stop being a wimp. Your wife needs someone to fight for the marriage. Your children need their father so now is the worst time for you to abandon them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Help,

You remind me of my FBH. Twelve years ago he surrendered to my OM and the evil cr@p I pulled without a fight. To this day we BOTH regret our actions. I've been in a miserable affairage for ten years. He has never remarried and barely dated. We've both had to file bankruptcy. Our two kids have been shuttled back and forth between our houses. Son is depressed. Daughter has an eating disorder. It is all my fault but FBH could have saved us ALL. Will you do this FOR yourself, your wife, and your kids? It would be completely understandable if you are unwilling. You do have POWER in this situation that you don't seem to comprehend.


Married 10 years

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DD 32, 29, 28
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DS 18, DD 15
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Originally Posted By: raindown
Help,

You remind me of my FBH. Twelve years ago he surrendered to my OM and the evil cr@p I pulled without a fight. To this day we BOTH regret our actions. I've been in a miserable affairage for ten years. He has never remarried and barely dated. We've both had to file bankruptcy. Our two kids have been shuttled back and forth between our houses. Son is depressed. Daughter has an eating disorder. It is all my fault but FBH could have saved us ALL. Will you do this FOR yourself, your wife, and your kids? It would be completely understandable if you are unwilling. You do have POWER in this situation that you don't seem to comprehend.


And what do you think you would've done if he stayed? You're still with the man you had the affair with. When my wife does speak rationally, she does bring up a lot of valid points about why our relationship has fallen apart. She knows it doesn't justify her going and finding someone else. But, it does bring up a good point about the low level that our marriage is at and why her feelings for me have changed.

Last edited by HelpMeSaveIt; 07/28/11 11:47 AM.
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Her feelings WON'T change while she is still involved with the man who was meeting her most important EN's better than you were.

You need to get him out of the picture, let her mind clear, show her that YOU can be that man. And not let her make major life decisions that affect your entire family based on her FEELINGS which will CHANGE!

And you need to STOP listening to her. She has an agenda. Everything she says to you is flavored with that agenda -- to get divorced and run off with OM.

You might actually agree with some of her justifications. But that doesn't mean that you jump onboard with her plan to tear apart your marriage and family.

Geez...do you really want help to save your marriage??

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So what do I do? Tell her to stop it with the other guy? So she can sit home with me, when she says she's been miserable and unhappy for a very long time?

I do want to save my marriage, but she's already decided that it's not what she wants. So, how do I force her to stay in it when she doesn't want it?

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Quote:
Her feelings WON'T change while she is still involved with the man who was meeting her most important EN's better than you were.

You need to get him out of the picture, let her mind clear show her that YOU can be that man. And not let her make major life decisions that affect your entire family based on her FEELINGS which will CHANGE!

And you need to STOP listening to her. She has an agenda. Everything she says to you is flavored with that agenda -- to get divorced and run off with OM.

You might actually agree with some of her justifications. But that doesn't mean that you jump onboard with her plan to tear apart your marriage and family.


Yep.


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DD 32, 29, 28
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DS 18, DD 15
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Oh geez HMSI -- do you believe everything she says?
Have you read ANY other threads here about how COMMON she is?
She's not saying anything special. All waywards think they aren't "in-love" with their spouse anymore.

Yes. You tell her to stop her affair. And you tell everyone you know to tell her to stop her affair. And you tell OM to stay away. And you tell everyone OM knows to tell him to stay away from HMSI's wife.

And you SHOW her that you can be the guy. The one she CHOSE to marry. The one she's chosen to be married to all these year.
The one she fell in love with. Be that guy.

Are you really going to just let her fall into that cesspool of lies and deceit? Are you just going to give up? Doesn't sound like you *really* love her all that much....

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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt


And what do you think you would've done if he stayed? You're still with the man you had the affair with. When my wife does speak rationally, she does bring up a lot of valid points about why our relationship has fallen apart. She knows it doesn't justify her going and finding someone else. But, it does bring up a good point about the low level that our marriage is at and why her feelings for me have changed.


Yes, we already knew your marriage was rocky, you are not telling us anything new. The solution is to run off the OM so you can turn your marriage around. But you won't be able to do that if you refuse to stop surrendering your marriage and your children to the OM.

Do you think you could put down that white flag long enough to try and save this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HelpMeSaveIt
So what do I do? Tell her to stop it with the other guy? So she can sit home with me, when she says she's been miserable and unhappy for a very long time?

I do want to save my marriage, but she's already decided that it's not what she wants. So, how do I force her to stay in it when she doesn't want it?


You expose the affair and run off the OM, that is how. You raise holy unmitigated hell in the affair. Run him off and then you will have a chance.

Stop being a wimp and MAN UP.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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All my close friends keep telling me to just let it go. This is the second time she's done this. I deserve better than her. She did it before, she's doing it now, so what makes you think she won't do it again in the future.

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hey....YOU came HERE looking for help saving your marriage.

if you just want to convince us that you should give up -- hey, go RIGHT AHEAD.

This is a proven system that turns around marriages affected by infidelity. Use it. Or don't. Its your call.

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I know I came here. And originally, I wasn't aware of the infidelity. I thought we were just having problems and she wasn't sure how she felt about us anymore. It's obviously well beyond that now. She says she wasn't happy, is sorry, but wound up going elsewhere for that happiness, and that our marriage is over and wants a divorce. Yes, it's not over for me, because my feelings for her haven't changed, except that I'm angry that she's done this.

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