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and guess whos there on his lunch break...the OM.
i see his car, and tell my self i should just drive off.
so i park my car. head up stairs and knock.
he was sitting on the floor eating lunch. i move past my wife and kick his food and tell him to get the F out. he starts saying (and repeating throughout the encounter, its her place its her place i dont have to leave)
so i get in his face...little 5'6 1/2 me to 6'2" him and he backs away..my wife had to get in between us...and shes telling me to leave, and that ****y [censored] just has that smirk on his face and he picks up the phone to call the cops. so i naturally kick it out of his hand. ( yes i kicked it..it was pretty awesome)
and he keeps repeating the same thing all while walking away from me...
i get back in his face a couple more times. each time he backs up, once into the corner with no where to go. i see his smirk, but i look into his eyes when hes not dodging me, and i see fear.
she eventually tells him to leave, and he goes down stairs and calls the cops anyway.. my wife is frustrated and scared becasue she is moving in and doesnt want to disrupt her neighbors...
i keep trying to calm her down so she can listen to me tell her that hes won, im done and ill leave her alone till she moves out....as he leaves he yells from outside for me to leave her alone...
the cops come (one lanky white one one bulky black one) and the OM gets the lanky one, i get the bulky one...that is to say when i saw them i knew who they were because they used to come into starbucks when i worked there...
so i tell them what happened and the whole ordeal and that i know the law and such, and though i never layed a hand on him, i know they have a job to do. and he kinds laughs. he tells me basically that theyve seen this before a hundred times...and if he didnt have teh badge on him, hed let me have at...but it becomes a simple little procedure where they gather info...i dont know what the OM tells the lanky one, but again hes got that smirk on his face..
the lanky one comes over and talks to me how hes gonna get a restraining order...i inform him of my side...the lanky one tells me also how its an F'd up situation and that i got close to getting arrested. i told him i would accept responsibilites for my actions like a man. the lanky one says that hes sorry and that ive got to watch my self. while he would have no moral qualms about feeling the way i do and reacting, that i ve got to be smarter...i got the sense that the lanky one did not like the OM . that he could tell he was trying to play the role of the innocent victim and manipulate and control the truth of the situation..
the lanky one told me that if he does file a restraining order, just turn around and file one back. that itll effect him just as negativly as what he may try and do and that i should inform his employer that one is put into effect so i should let them know when i shop there...
the OM left. my wife calmed down. she was embarassed and ashamed...she got caught between two people and she didnt know how to handle it and couldnt make a choice . she kept telling me she was sorry so much and that she was going to tell him to leave her alone. and not bother her and that sehs done withthe whole situation.
i come to find out several things since then.
a. the OM was pissed that my wife isnt going to file a restraining ordre for herself.
b. he appearently cant get one now because my wife wont sign off as witness.
c. he hates my guts now. i dont really care about that one, i just like getting under his skin.
d. my wife made an interesting comment the day after. she asked while i was getting out of the shower why i was covering up. i had no reason. she said she noticed that ive lost weight and been working out, but never as much as the day i confronted him she said i "puffed up". i told it was part that and part him shrinking like a coward
e. she told her coworker/friend about confrontation. she said shed never seen me like that before, but her friend toldme the way she said it was more suprising. like she really noticed. Excellent job standing up to the intruder into your family. I see so many man on here who just scuttle off at the first sign of trouble. Good job on not crossing the line into getting arrested. Pretty clear that you endeared yourself to your WW.
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Okay, feel "better" now? Good.
Every BH deserves one opportunity to do something so stupid, so wrought with possibilities for negative consequences, so opposed to his own long-term best interests, that when he comes down off the testosterone-fueled "high" he asks himself, "Was I outta my G-D'd mind?"
I had mine. You've had yours.
Now start thinking with your upper-head, okay?
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DO NOT THREATEN TO EXPOSE!
The only thing that you need to tell the OM is that he needs to stay away from your wife or he!! is coming his way. NO threats of exposure......JUST DO IT! I went to the OM....FACE TO FACE......and told him....well....I TOLD HIM!!!  Then called the OM's wife and kids and office staff.....sent them letters too!!! EXPOSED to my WW's parents and immediate family! DO IT!!!......and DO NOT REGRET IT!!!!! Plan B is tough.....I just started it a few weeks ago. HANG TOUGH!!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Ditto! DO IT.
Ever see the end of "starsky & hutch"? The remake? Be like the guy at the end, the undercover character that walks around and says "do it" all the time.
Do not warn the enemy. Gives them a heads' up to sharpen their weapons and take better aim. Reign hell down at a moments' notice.
You think America would have gained its independence if it weren't for the minute men? They were ready at a moments' notice. YOU are a minute man now. YOU expose and do not give one moments' notice!!!
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Ummmm. I did exposure day a while ago. May 25th to be exact. And nobody saw it coming. Were far beyond that point.
And neverguessed, you know what? I don't regret it one bit. The only thing I regret is not going with the script in my head. I actually feel liberated. For one, I stood up for my family. I felt like I defended my family by showing the OM that I have no fear of him. And he backed down like the little coward he is. Secondly, I showed my wife what I was made of. As well I feel ready to move on if it doesnt work out. I can now honestly saw that I tried everything. I've had what I think is a successful plan a. Amd from what I understand what I did affected my wife. In a very positive manner. I didn't throw a punch, but I was physical enough. And later in life I can go to my son amd say that I stepped up for my family.
And I'd do it again.
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Ummmm. I did exposure day a while ago. May 25th to be exact. And nobody saw it coming. Were far beyond that point.
And neverguessed, you know what? I don't regret it one bit. The only thing I regret is not going with the script in my head. I actually feel liberated. For one, I stood up for my family. I felt like I defended my family by showing the OM that I have no fear of him. And he backed down like the little coward he is. Secondly, I showed my wife what I was made of. As well I feel ready to move on if it doesnt work out. I can now honestly saw that I tried everything. I've had what I think is a successful plan a. Amd from what I understand what I did affected my wife. In a very positive manner. I didn't throw a punch, but I was physical enough. And later in life I can go to my son amd say that I stepped up for my family.
And I'd do it again. 
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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I don't regret it one bit.
Nor should you; you got away "clean".
Do this enough times, however, and you'll find yourself cuffed and carted away. Even if you manage to get the resulting harrassment and assault charges dropped, the cost will be $1500 - $2000 in attorney fees, and four or five three-hour stints in court, sitting there waiting for your ten minutes of judicial attention.
"Fighting the criminal justice system" will severely impact "fighting for your marriage."
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Yeah, but I only needed to do it once.
But what gets me is what else went along with it.
My wife did not get her own order and did not go on his side to help him ger one.
I didn't expect that, and ultimately I don't know if it helps save my marriage, but it sent a clear message. Amd it pisses him off.
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elph, I applaud you on your efforts fighting for your family. Many of us would like to have the same chance. Most of us are nice guys at heart but start screwing with our families and it is war! Stay strong!
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And so she moved out today.
the past couple of weeks have been interesting. Ive been in a hardcore plan A, really, for the past two months. since memorial day. and with the open knowledge that she was moving out soon, its been really easy because a finite date was set.
my wife had been slowly getting her place ready, but last week her, my son and mother in law went down to disneyland. i ended up joining them fri nite and through the weekend. it was a really good trip where i was able to show my wife what family trips could be like again. she also forgot her phone so she wasnt in contact with the OM, who didnt know that i went there to meet them (more in that later).
this following weekend we moved out what ever furniture and stuff she was going to take. the way we were working, you couldnt tell there was anything wrong. i know a lot of pwople would say "why am i helping her?" 2 reasons. i dont want that [censored] in my house. and PLAN A baby!!!
after the move on sat, my wife made a remark when i was done refueling the van. she made mention of while i was lifting stuff and later pumping gas about my arms. and really how ive gotten in shape since. my wife is not a "looks" kinda person, and definitely a "muscles" person either. but shes been commenting, and, well hey, every little bit counts.
on sunday she opened up to me a little bit. a while back she mentioned "red flags" shes been noticing to her therapist. which, i now learn, the therapist asked "how many red flags is it gong to take?" i didnt get an answer or even what some of those red flags were. but there was a new one lately.
the OMX has been coming into their store a lot recently. and this last trip she say my wife and the OM hanging out in the front of the store. well the OM took off to intercept the OMX. that really pissed my wife off because she felt that he bailed on her. instead of standing by her side he took off to save himself. and my wife thinks that the OM may try and fix things with the OMX. either way it started a fight. he made some sort of reference to her being relentless when she fights. something ive discovered, hes not even close to used to. (the OMX lets me know everything)
it also seems that all isnt well in paradise. the mon before they went to disneyland they got into a discussion about my wife accusing him of taking time away from her and her son. as well a coworker told me that shes been saying how hes been clingy lately. and she didnt mean to leave her phone at home but it was a blessing in disguise. she only called him once (she was with er mom the whole time save a few hours where she went back to hotel to nurse a migraine) and shen she called it was to tell him that she didnt mean to leave her phone and thats why she couldnt call or text. but to me it sounds like he wouldve lost his carp if he didnt hear from her on a regular basis...
so hes shooting himself in the foot. all the while ive been doing my best to meet her EN.and weve had a really good time. ive done my best to remind her what life is like when were better. showing her ive done my best to change and eliminate those love busters...
but she moved out still. she chose him over me. sue is heading off to greg.
but i think my plan A was successful and esp. with the confrontation, i feel as i did everything i could. and i feel okay with it. i mean it hurts still, but i know shell be back.
now my modified plan B. (modified for child reasons)
ill continue to work on my self. embrace being a single father and learn from this. to cook and clean better and more efficiently, and move on a bit. but i know shell be back. probably by the holidays...so ill leans more on what it takes to be a better husband, by being a better single guy...
of course tomorrow could be different and the pain could come flooding back, but there is only one way to deal with it, and that's by dealing with it!!!
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now my modified plan B. (modified for child reasons) Please elaborate on "modified." "Child reasons" is really a poor excuse for a piss-poor Plan B. If you don't Plan B right, it will only be disastrous.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Ive been in a hardcore plan A, really
No, you haven't. Whether or not you want to say you are, thereby conceptually "checking off" a step in the MB-process, you might as well know that Plan A has no allowance for physically threatening the OM, and only escaping arrest because WW took pity on you, and refused to corroborate the OM's criminal accusations. (It can't GET any less Plan A than to invoke WW's pity!)
Given your ineffective Plan A, it's highly doubtful that your "modified" Plan B will fare any better.
It can be, if you stiffen up, elph. You detect cracks in the "love shack" relationship between WW and OM. Had you instituted an effective Plan A, you would have "been there" for her. I would hold off on Plan B for awhile, and finally institute the correct Plan A operations. This is easy to recommend because it's obvious to us here that you are still madly in love with her (aka: your love-bank-balance is still high!).
Plan B is for when you find yourself with little/no love for her. I don't think you're yet there.
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There is no such thing as a modified plan B. Not doing plan B the right way will on be successful on wasting your time.
PLan B is meant to be done even if there are kids.
Being WW has moved out and without doubt will be having the OM doing "sleep overs" there. This is time to cut off financial aid to the WW if your still helping her at this point and send her the plan B letter.
WW has seen your new "Guns" and noticed other changes in you. WW has let it be known that the OM is starting to fail to in meeting all of her needs.
You going totaly dark in plan B will only make the OM fail sooner.
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now my modified plan B. (modified for child reasons) Please elaborate on "modified." "Child reasons" is really a poor excuse for a piss-poor Plan B. If you don't Plan B right, it will only be disastrous. Modified because we don't have an IM. There is nobody that we can use. The only people who could've done it are angry enough at her (her family) and are doing their own things to protect themselves because they don't agree with her decisions. And it's modified because I can't go perfect dark. Our son has therapy sessions to deal with this and were both going to be there for him to help. I won't see my son further traumatized by this and will put his best interests before mine any day of the week.
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I didn't physically threaten the OM. I got in face and defended my family. To my knowledge part of plan A was to not be a doormat. To meet my wifes emotional needs.
I not only proved that I wasn't a doormat, but that I also showed how important family was to me. I didn't escape anything. I was ready to accept what I had done. And she sure as [censored] didn't have pity on me. I think she had admiration.
I created an enviorment that allowed the affair. Now I created and enviorment to show that I've changed and that I becoming a better person but I've also learn to set boundaries.
I wrote and gave her my plan B letter. I let her know exactally where I stand and what can and cannot be. That the marriage is not a 3 person deal. I also don't remember anywhere in SAA where it says anything about not being physical. I have been there for her. In the face of an affair I've been there for her. I remember in SAA that Jon still loved his wife. I think that's part of marriage. Why wouldn't a person want to try and save thier marriage if they didn't love the person. I didn't know the point of the plans was to end up hating my wife. I must have mis read the book.
I understand that dr harley has laid out a plan. I understand how it works. But from what I've read, and listened to, not every situation is ideal and perfect to do the steps in complete verbatim.
I can't shut my kid out or prevent him from seeing his mom. Nor do I want to. We have a schedule set up for him to be with one parent or another. And that requires going to her apt or her coming to my house for pick ups and drop offs. We Liv. In two different cities so It can only be done a certain way as to not disrupt his life to much. While I don't mind my wife getting smacked in the face with reality, I'd like to minamize the trauma done to my son. I'd like for him to avoid what I had to go through.
It's not a perfect system, buti believe it's getting results. And that is when the affair " dies a natural death". I've set it up in my wifes mind who I was when we were at our best. I reminded her of why she fell inlove with me. I showed her that I can meet those two emotional needs where he stepped in, puersued and manipulated her, and was able to fulfill. And that is affection and attention. All the rest I was doing, and in spades. Now I'll meet none. He'll have to do that. And I know he'll fail.
While he tries I'll take care of myself and my son. My contact with her will only be related to my son. Because, let's get real, I'll be damned in he'll before I letthat [censored] have anything to do with my son
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Ane more thing. I thought the point of plan B as well was to protect what love bank deposits I have left for my wife to not become depleted. And during plan A was to do my best to deposit as many as possible too.
I think I accomplished that.
Did I break up the affair? No.
I can't control my wifes feelings. But they are waning. If she continues down the path she's on, my therapist says shell eventually hate the OM. And I tend to agree with that.
My wife moved out with doubt in her mind. But the feelings she developed for him aren't gone. And theresnothing I can do about that. But I'm changing the I love you but not in love with you to I love you amd might still be in love with you.
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"I can't shut my kid out or prevent him from seeing his mom. Nor do I want to. We have a schedule set up for him to be with one parent or another. And that requires going to her apt or her coming to my house for pick ups and drop offs. We Liv. In two different cities so It can only be done a certain way as to not disrupt his life to much. While I don't mind my wife getting smacked in the face with reality, I'd like to minamize the trauma done to my son. I'd like for him to avoid what I had to go through."
Plan B does not mean the kids are to go NC with either parent.
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" But I'm changing the I love you but not in love with you to I love you amd might still be in love with you."
Many a WW say just enough to keep their BH dangling as their back up plan by throwing just the right word or two out there.
This percieved change you are feeling can be a ploy on WW's part because as you have removed support the OM is starting to miss meeting all of WW's needs.
This results in the WW stringing you along to meet the needs the OM can't or won't meet. As long as you meet the needs the OM is not your WW is going to fence sit because she will be having all of her needs being met.
By doing a complete NC on your part. Pleading with a family member that condems her affair why you need this plan B to end the affair this is why they need to be your IM. Also then kid transfers will have to be done at a neutral site which is better for plan B. Don't let WW get any fix by even seeing your front door.
As therapy for your son WW does it one week you do it the next.
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i know it doesnt mean that it means the kids dont go NC, but somebody has to watch my son, and get him around. and such.
im not going to break my son from his routine and add more trauma to his life because of this. and im sure a [censored] not going to argue the point why. its not just us in volved with my sone, but child care as well. i have my aunt in law who watches him certain hours of the day for practiaclly peanuts. and my son loves her. we have to work around her schedule as well. sometimes shell watch at my place, wometime my wifes. then she leaves and my wife will take over till i get home or i pick him up. that not only saves money, but time. both of which id rather spend on my son.
in a perfect world where money and time was no concern, im sure it can be done to the letter, but we dont live in a perfect world. and its not even mentioned how to handle those kinds of situations in the book.
as for my WW. she didnt say anything about the not in love to might be in love thing. i believe thats the effect ive had on her through plan A.
ive backed off, its up to him to meet all of her needs. i will not be meeting one. ive knocked her off the fence over to his side of his yard where everything including him, is cowering from something.
and the family members have there own way of dealing with things that arent exactly part of my plan. (the family members being mom and aunt) how they deal with it is their business, and effects them differently.
i believe im following plan B as much as i can, but im nailing the essence of what needs to be done considering the circumstances.
i know people dont agree with the way im doing it, and thats fine, but im not going to argue things i cant change. like the laws of time and the amount im currently making.
it might be easier for some to go completely dark, and more power to them, but im doing what i can...
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Well then, continue on by all means. I'm sure that your plan is much better, and less emotionally and psychologically traumatic than the plan laid out by a clinical psychologist with 4 decades of experience in saving marriages, and thus, families. Good luck with that!
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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