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Started Plan B last week.
Now my Daughter (23 years old and on her own) won't talk to me face to face or on the phone and only reluctantly via text.
I asked via text if I was being punished for blowing up her Mothers affair to everyone?
She responded that I wasn't being punished that she just didn't want to talk right now.
?????????????????????
I'm feeling like everyone in the WW's family is going to rally around her and that I will become the bad guy.
Now what?!?!?


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Bill,

it all takes time for everyone to process the facts, give your daughter time, she is mad at both of you right now.........
people will think what they will, give it time, those that believe in marriage and what is right will support you.......
patience is hard, keep yourself busy.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Originally Posted By: BillCarolina
Started Plan B last week.
Now my Daughter (23 years old and on her own) won't talk to me face to face or on the phone and only reluctantly via text.
I asked via text if I was being punished for blowing up her Mothers affair to everyone?
She responded that I wasn't being punished that she just didn't want to talk right now.
?????????????????????
I'm feeling like everyone in the WW's family is going to rally around her and that I will become the bad guy.
Now what?!?!?

Why not accept her at her word for now - that she just does not want to talk?

Family break-ups are very hard on older children. Sometimes we assume that they will react with maturity because they have left home, but your daughter isn't old enough to have detached herself from her family yet. It is devastating for older children to realise that their family is being dismantled. They feel that their security has been taken away from them.

There is no reason to suppose that your daughter is supporting her mother. She is very upset and she has told you that she doesn't want to talk just now. Believe what she says.

Let her know that you are looking forward to hearing from her whenever she is ready.


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Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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THANK YOU!

Your words make such sense!!!......but I ache for my Daughter......her Mother can REALLY work her sometimes!

THANK YOU!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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It was devastating for ME when my mom had an affair, and that was 3 years ago, when I was 32, married with 2 children. It is hard on ALL of the family, not just the 2 parties involved.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Just got off the phone with my Daughter.....Yep, she's mad that I blew the affair out of the water.

"You went too far!" she said. "Mom wouldn't do that to you!"

"I'm sorry that you feel that way. I wouldn't cheat on your Mom!.....and YES SHE WOULD DO THAT TO ME IF I HAD BEEN THE CHEATER!" I responded.

I told my Daughter "I hope you are NEVER put in the situation that I was! I hope you NEVER have to experience the heartbreak, the betrayal, the pain or the anxiety that I have experienced."

And now......we leave it alone.

But.....we disagreed and left it there.


Last edited by BillCarolina; 07/26/11 05:52 PM.

BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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What horrible thing does she think you have 'done to her'? Tell people you will fight for your marriage? Offer forgiveness?

If your WW was an alchoholic, would your daughter object to you telling people so you could arrange an intervention?

She will be back in touch when she has cooled off.

I think she sees the exposure as an 'attack' on her mother, rather than on the affair. Stress that you only want the people who love your wife to help her see reason. Tell her you want to make things difficult for her and OM to see each other. Tell her you will go 'too far' if that is how far you need to go to know you did eveything you could. Tell her you want her parents' marriage to work out.

What daughter wouldn't want that?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Her mom has been her constant in life and she wants so badly for her to be okay as a person.

Keep that in mind.

If you speak with dd again and she brings it up tell her you love her mom and did what you believed was right, letting others know the truth so that it could be dealt with properly. Period.







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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
What horrible thing does she think you have 'done to her'? Tell people you will fight for your marriage? Offer forgiveness?

If your WW was an alchoholic, would your daughter object to you telling people so you could arrange an intervention?

She will be back in touch when she has cooled off.

I think she sees the exposure as an 'attack' on her mother, rather than on the affair. Stress that you only want the people who love your wife to help her see reason. Tell her you want to make things difficult for her and OM to see each other. Tell her you will go 'too far' if that is how far you need to go to know you did eveything you could. Tell her you want her parents' marriage to work out.

What daughter wouldn't want that?


I understand that....YOU understand that......but a 23 year old doesn't understand that.

My Daughter and the WW will cool off........time, just time will do that.
But......her Mother can REALLY "Work her"!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Posts: 289
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Originally Posted By: reading
...tell her you love her mom and did what you believed was right, letting others know the truth so that it could be dealt with properly. Period.


That is EXACTLY what I said to her......and have told her REPEATEDLY!!

One of my repeated phrases to my Daughter is "I just Love your Momma!"

It's the confrontation thing....my Daughter will do ANYTHING to avoid CONFRONTATION!!

She will reframe a situation to avoid CONFRONTATION!!!

I told my Daughter "Honey, I saw the problem and I CONFRONTED IT!!"

She will come around! wink


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Posts: 11,650
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In that case you are being a great role model for her. Bold actions, when backed up by reason, logic and good intentions are necessary in life. You cant have a good job, relationship or even get decent customer service without being willing to confront prolems!

I look back and cant even believe I was ever daunted by the prospect of exposure. I was pretty much only confirming a lot of people's suspicions, there were people who felt instinctively something was a bit off, but couldnt really tell me anything. They felt guilty and my sharing this has eased a lot of secrecy and tension.

I think it will be interesting to see how this grows on your daughter. Especially if she starts to see an effect on the A. How does she view that btw? Has she ever told her mother it is not right? Perhaps her seeing condemnation from other people is needed first, then she can follow......


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
In that case you are being a great role model for her. Bold actions, when backed up by reason, logic and good intentions are necessary in life. You cant have a good job, relationship or even get decent customer service without being willing to confront prolems!

I think it will be interesting to see how this grows on your daughter. Especially if she starts to see an effect on the A. How does she view that btw? Has she ever told her mother it is not right? Perhaps her seeing condemnation from other people is needed first, then she can follow......


My Daughter has told me that she told her Mother that it was wrong.....I hope that's true.
She knows that her Mother has repeatedly lied to her about it also.
My daughter has told me this....."Mom lies to me even when there's no benefit to her!".......That's sad!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Don't say much on here but I am learning lots and working on independant behaviour as Dr H says me hubby and I are far too that way. I am only a year and a bit younger than your daughter and like I can understand a bit of her feelings on this I think.

When my mum had an affair I was around 17 and I was first just like unbelieving and it was a huge shock. I was angry at my nan, mums mum, for telling everyone, at the guys wife for confronting mum, because I like felt it embarassed ME. Yeah like its normal to be like that I think its just growing up.

Then when dad got back from his deployment I was angry for him not throwing mum to the curb, for mum being such a well like you can guess right?, and again how could you all bring this stuff up in front of everyone?

It was confusing and like frightening even to think your Mum and Dad were actually normal people with like faults and that maybe they wouldn't be there for you if something happened. I never saw Mum or Dad as anything but together, and like THAT was a shock.

I went though such a range of emotions pissed off with Mum or Dad or both and like didn't handle it well. I should have spoken to someone about it all but didn't. I think I felt like embarrassed as if it was all about how it reflected on me and my family. On one hand I wanted to make it all go away, the other like heap crap on Nan and Dad for exposing it all and Mum for causing it, and most of all, wanting the family to go back to where it was all comfortable and 'happy', but like that as not going to happen and I was SO angry about that.

I have seen with pride how Mum & Dad worked on their marriage and how the family supported them, how they have recovered their marriage. It certainly gave me like a far better understanding of relationships and marriage. But back during the crappy period all I felt like overall was lost.

I have to think your daughter may be a bit like this, but time will help and being there letting her know she can say ANYTHING to you is pretty important even if she yells and cries at you cause like you know, who else does she have right now? a flakey mum? She KNOWS that. And I bet she KNOWS she is being used by Mum too, even as a like "poor me" sounding board. That like grows old.

Gently keep the door open, keep like saying whatever it takes to save the marriage and family, but don't argue about it. Cause I wouldn't listen to Dad or Nan, not back then. Its just part of the like crappy process to work through.

In the end like I think she'll know the right and wrong of it all. But like its a hell of way to learn it.

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Beautiful post!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted By: awsdaughter
Don't say much on here but I am learning lots and working on independant behaviour as Dr H says me hubby and I are far too that way. I am only a year and a bit younger than your daughter and like I can understand a bit of her feelings on this I think.

When my mum had an affair I was around 17 and I was first just like unbelieving and it was a huge shock. I was angry at my nan, mums mum, for telling everyone, at the guys wife for confronting mum, because I like felt it embarassed ME. Yeah like its normal to be like that I think its just growing up.

Then when dad got back from his deployment I was angry for him not throwing mum to the curb, for mum being such a well like you can guess right?, and again how could you all bring this stuff up in front of everyone?

It was confusing and like frightening even to think your Mum and Dad were actually normal people with like faults and that maybe they wouldn't be there for you if something happened. I never saw Mum or Dad as anything but together, and like THAT was a shock.

I went though such a range of emotions pissed off with Mum or Dad or both and like didn't handle it well. I should have spoken to someone about it all but didn't. I think I felt like embarrassed as if it was all about how it reflected on me and my family. On one hand I wanted to make it all go away, the other like heap crap on Nan and Dad for exposing it all and Mum for causing it, and most of all, wanting the family to go back to where it was all comfortable and 'happy', but like that as not going to happen and I was SO angry about that.

I have seen with pride how Mum & Dad worked on their marriage and how the family supported them, how they have recovered their marriage. It certainly gave me like a far better understanding of relationships and marriage. But back during the crappy period all I felt like overall was lost.

I have to think your daughter may be a bit like this, but time will help and being there letting her know she can say ANYTHING to you is pretty important even if she yells and cries at you cause like you know, who else does she have right now? a flakey mum? She KNOWS that. And I bet she KNOWS she is being used by Mum too, even as a like "poor me" sounding board. That like grows old.

Gently keep the door open, keep like saying whatever it takes to save the marriage and family, but don't argue about it. Cause I wouldn't listen to Dad or Nan, not back then. Its just part of the like crappy process to work through.

In the end like I think she'll know the right and wrong of it all. But like its a hell of way to learn it.





This is massively insightful. I see what you're saying, his daughter is grieving the former security of her parents marriage. Like all grief, this is going to throw her onto a rollercoaster of denial, grief and anger before she comes to acceptance...


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Dear awsdaughter,

I thank you SO MUCH for your post!
It has allowed me to see an insight that I desperately needed!
THANK YOU!!!!

Originally Posted By: awsdaughter
I was angry at my nan, mums mum, for telling everyone, at the guys wife for confronting mum, because I like felt it embarassed ME.


My daughter is hurting too, I KNOW THAT.....and my daughter considered my confrontation of the OM and the exposure method to be severe and "too much". Hopefully she will see that it was necessary to expose the affair in that manner.
Oh well.

Quote:
I was angry for him not throwing mum to the curb, for mum being such a well like you can guess right?, and again how could you all bring this stuff up in front of everyone?


I have no doubt that my Daughter has Love for both of us.....but I was shocked one day when she said "Time to just move on Dad." At that instant I knew she was disappointed in her mother and her mothers actions.....I believe she was telling me "Stop hurting yourself, Mom's not good enough for you."

Quote:
It was confusing and like frightening even to think your Mum and Dad were actually normal people with like faults and that maybe they wouldn't be there for you if something happened. I never saw Mum or Dad as anything but together, and like THAT was a shock.

I went though such a range of emotions pissed off with Mum or Dad or both and like didn't handle it well. I should have spoken to someone about it all but didn't. I think I felt like embarrassed as if it was all about how it reflected on me and my family.


"Range of emotions" says it all, especially for a woman in their 20's......I agree.

Quote:
On one hand I wanted to make it all go away, the other like heap crap on Nan and Dad for exposing it all and Mum for causing it, and most of all, wanting the family to go back to where it was all comfortable and 'happy', but like that as not going to happen and I was SO angry about that.


That makes sense!!

Quote:
I have seen with pride how Mum & Dad worked on their marriage and how the family supported them, how they have recovered their marriage. It certainly gave me like a far better understanding of relationships and marriage. But back during the crappy period all I felt like overall was lost.


I hope to have that opportunity....we just entered Plan B.....sent the letter......now it's time to wait.

"Patience is the name of the game now.....calmly with integrity and class!" (Thanks Jessi!!!)

Quote:
I have to think your daughter may be a bit like this, but time will help and being there letting her know she can say ANYTHING to you is pretty important even if she yells and cries at you cause like you know, who else does she have right now? a flakey mum? She KNOWS that. And I bet she KNOWS she is being used by Mum too, even as a like "poor me" sounding board. That like grows old.


It's obvious that my Daughter LOVES her Mom but is tremendously disappointed in her. And her Mom CAN psychologically manipulate her real well!!
But my Daughter has shown some insight to me that is much more mature than I expected from her 23 years.

Quote:
Gently keep the door open, keep like saying whatever it takes to save the marriage and family, but don't argue about it. Cause I wouldn't listen to Dad or Nan, not back then. Its just part of the like crappy process to work through.
In the end like I think she'll know the right and wrong of it all. But like its a hell of way to learn it.


I do keep the door wide open to her.....it's obvious that she just wants some distance from me right now.....I don't like it, but I have to accept it and try to understand it.
I send her text messages with Love and support and make simple offers to meet for a meal.....but she stays quiet.

awsdaughter: THANK YOU AGAIN for your words of encouragement and for sharing your story with me!!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Well.....I am DARN FRUSTRATED!!
Seems my In-Laws are now ignoring me also.
Several weeks ago I told my In-Laws that "I will FIGHT FOR MY WIFE AND FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE!"
They accepted that and encouraged that.
But 2 weeks after the total exposure......they won't return calls or text messages.
Seems like they would rather rally around their cheating Daughter than talk to me.
I am in PLAN B now.
Is this normal?
Seems that my version of "Fight for my Wife and Marriage" isn't their definition!!
I AM SO FRUSTRATED!
The cheater is protected by her own family!!!


BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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This is normal for many parents , plan B includes them.

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It is normal for the parents of either spouse to back their child. Even when their child is in the wrong. I've seen it over and over again IRL and on these boards. Most people just want to smooth over things and don't want to "make anybody mad", so they refuse to take a stand against affairs. Ridiculous, but there it is.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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My anxiety got the best of me!

Just had dinner with my Daughter.......all is well.

On the way home my in-laws called.....all is well.

Stress and anxiety......ARE A B!TCH !!!!

Last edited by BillCarolina; 07/31/11 08:18 PM.

BH(Me)= 55
WW(Her)=43
DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!)
Married=13 yrs
Together=16.5 yrs
THIS IS MY STORY
WW moved out of the home = May 1,2011
D-Day=July 4, 2011
Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!.....as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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