Two weeks ago my life turned into a soap opera. Trouble just that it is my life. I tried to cope, but I now feel I am falling and falling and falling and I need help and people to talk to.

We have been married for 10 years, have one 8 year old daughter. She is a very good girl. We have built a company together, which is now a listed business. Life was very hard at time, but we have achieved a lot. There have been some bumps, but not too bad and I always loved him dearly and still do. We have in January moved into a very nice house, projects still going on. We always had au pairs, some very pretty. Last year a Rumanian girl joined us. Very quiet, suffering an eating disorder, bad teeth, not pretty at all. Never leaving her room or speaking really. I have had a tumor removed in May and it seems that�s when it all started. Work was very tense at this point and he was travelling a lot. It was clear that he would not visit me in hospital, but I put a brave face on and went on my own. At times it was very, very bad as there have been complications. He texted nice messages. Nicer than usual, even saying he loves me and that all will be fine. - Usually he is not very affectionate. Not at all. He get�s on with his technology thing and has never been the sort of person to carry me on his hands.

Looking back it turns out somehow they started an affair when I was in hospital. I as a matter of instance found out, would have never imagined at all. I confronted him, he said, he had made his mind up and that he would leave and that I just want to produce drama. He did not want to speak, but was in shock (I had him come out of a business lunch) and then I drove him and threw the au pair out the house wanting to drive her to the airport. He showed up in a taxi and picked her and her stuff up, was very worried about her and let me and my daughter stand there.

He has bought her a BMW6 series, they are to move into a new place on Saturday, spent endless money and has asked me for money (as if I were to have some as he has emptied the account). I want him back for good. Yes. I think I can forgive. Things can be worked out. Maybe he has a mid life crisis as his dad passed away last Novermber. He has a lot of stress and this might have added to it. And he recently got into whatever specialty movies, I don�t understand a thing about, but I know.

What can I do to get him back? Any ideas? How do I cope at all?

The vets will help you soon. In the meantime, go to the book store and get "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

Click on notify and ask the mods to move this the the Surviving An Affair forum

I'm not a vet, but some pointers...

Read the thread to help newly betrayed posters, P1 on the SAA forum, this will get you started.

Your finances are in danger, can you secure accounts/get a lawyer to protect funds. Dont worry about upsetting him.

I think your first priority will be to expose the affair. Do your family/his family know? Does your daughter? Friends who will have influence with your h? Can you contact the OWs family in her home country or does she have any local friends who you can expose to?
Does she work for an agency? If so, expose to them.

Exposure needs to be done quickly, (I sent out a private FB message to all - very effective) before they can start telling stories about his awful wife who lies. Going to OW facebook page and copying all her friends into a message is often recommended on here.

The vets will take you through Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is about being firm that the affair is unacceptable, but being the sort of loving calm spouse anyone would want and miss. (you can do this from a distance, even though he's moved out)

Plan B is about cutting him out and letting him experience the reality of life with a wholly unsuitable affair partner. Hitting rock bottom sometimes wakes them up.

Make sure you sleep and eat ... and breathe...

Sorry you find yourself here.

Did you get the Au pair from an agency. If so call them and explain that she broke the terms of her contract and want her sent back. They usually have a morals clause or something like that.

If she is not technically employed she should have her visa revoked. ARe you in the United States?

I am in the UK and Rumanians can come into the country being part of the European Union. She just can�t get employeed any longer now it is out. She is 29 and too old to get an au pair visa, but she will not need to work anyway with my husband supporting her and playing sugar daddy.

Exposure: I have spoken to mine and his family. I have informed the au pair agency. This is UK. People don�t do anything openly and I get a lot of talk about needing to move forward and needing to understand him or letting him go. Nobody ever says anything about him being wrong. This is very awful.

In a nutshell, she has her golden nest now. I am really not sure, what I can do, but to jump in front of a train.

I can�t find P1 in SAA. Maybe somebody could help me. Also, as I am working with him I need to stick with Plan A. Maybe I have done everything wrong already....

She means this, Lola.

I'm posting from London. Whereabouts are you?

You've come on to the board at an exceptionally quiet time. Postings have dropped here because many people are on holiday (or vacation, as they insist on calling it here!) with their kids. What you can do while waiting for more help is read all the articles the Dr Harley has written about infidelity, beginning with How to Survive an Affair. However, since the affair shows no signs of ending and since you have been dealing with the trauma for a few weeks (how long exactly?), you should also read about, and prepare to implement, Plan B.

Plan B involves separation from the WS (which has already happened in your case) and for the BS to cut off all contact with him. Doing this protects you emotionally from witnessing the affair and suffering further harm. Dr Harley's Plan B article.

Plan B involves PLANNING before you can implement it properly. You cannot just decide one day not to talk to your H any more, whilst still answering emails. You need to set up financial arrangements so that he cannot take money away from you and your daughter to support his affair, but he continues to pay financial support to you. What are your arrangements now? If you have a joint account, this needs to be changed so that he cannot access it and drain your funds any further. You will probably also need a court order for financial support, as was pointed out above.

In Plan B, you will also need to make an arrangement for your H to see your daughter without your seeing or communicating with him. This means that you need an intermediary to discuss dates and times for pick ups and drop offs. If your daughter is old enough to walk out and meet your H without your going to the door, then you might not need an adult to hand her over, but otherwise, you will. You must not see or communicate with your H in Plan B.

This thread, How to Plan B Correctly, gives you the fine details of what you need to do to set up Plan B.

See a lawyer right now. I think you would be well advised to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, immediately. You need legal guarantees that stop him selling the house, and that allow you and your daughter to live in it until she is grown up. I am very worried about your H stripping your assets because of the way he has behaved so far.

Going to Plan B and filing for divorce does not mean that you are not willing to reconcile, should your H end his affair and meet your conditions for recovery. Doing those things means that you are taking steps to protect you and your daughter from his attempts to destroy your lives and livelihoods.

BTW, Lola,

I saw a lawyer earlier this year. I was told that someone in our position (i.e. with the care of a dependent child, with the H having moved out) would be allowed to stay in the house until the child has finished full-time education, or until you cohabited or remarried.

After that time, the assets would be split, and the likely split would be 60% to the parent who remained in the house and brought up the child.

(I was advised to try and find enough money to buy my H out now, if I did not want the settlement hanging over me until my son was 21; 6 years away. This would involve adding up all our assets and taking out a mortgage so that I could give him 40% now. That way, he had no further claim over the assets when my son was older, or should I remarry.)

The things was, if there was any reckless spending, a judge would deduct that from H's 40% share.

Therefore, you need to go to a judge now, so that your H's asset-stripping can be documented and deducted from his share of any settlement. If that BMW cost �30,000, that needs to be deducted from his share. He also needs to be stopped from spending any more until the assets are fully divided.

See a lawyer immediately. Use the Citizen's Advice Bureau website to find a solicitor in your area who specialises in family law. He or she will charge you about �100 for an initial consultation, and then tell you the fee to represent you thereafter.

Do NOT Plan A yourself into the poorhouse. And by the way, Dr Harley has said that men do not respect or respond to women who chase them or pour love over them when they are active waywards. They only respond to a woman with balls, so you need to grow a pair.

Your daughter needs a mother who will not talk of throwing herself under a train, but who will throw her WH under a bus and stand up for her rights. You have my deepest sympathy for what you are going through, but I want you to stand up for yourself and your daughter.

I agree with SugarCane. Read, read, read on this site and the books.

1. See an attourney now to prevent your husband from ruining you financially. Often, waywards will run all the finances into the ground and the only thing left is whatever the betrayed spouse can stop the wayward from spending. Your husband has started on this path already and is already asking for more money.

2. Please tell me that this woman is not caring for your daughter any longer. Your daughter has been betrayed as well. Tell her in age appropriate language what is going on and why.

3. You say you and your husband work together. Is there any way you can change jobs so you won't have to see him on a daily basis?

Finally, there are alot of people who seem to think the "modern" thing to do is ignore or condone adultery. These people, many of them who have been adulterers themselves, do not recognize the importance of marriage. They will not be friends to your marriage and will not support you. Ignore them. The people who post on this site recognize that being a betrayed spouse is the single more painful thing that will ever happen in your lifetime and can help you. I am sorry you are in this situation.

AM

I am not a vet, and not here to offer any financial advice or how to protect you as it looks like the above advice has got it covered.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry this had to happen at such a terrible time in your life.

You don't need to be an expert to know these things rarely last long or end well. This girl is an annorexic and no doubt has some mental health issues. She is likely only out for your husband's money/security. I agree with the above to protect your fiances and assets, but if you're determined to make things work with your husband than sit on it for a while.

Your husband is not being very smart if he plans on divorcing you. I know that most courts don't look too fondly upon adultery especially when the couple have children.

You will be in my prayers.

Once you file and get a judge to decide on initial financial and visitation rules, you can drag it out as long as you like. Filing for D often just means legal protection, NOT giving up on your M.

Violently reject any more thoughts of harming yourself. Every time they come up, shout (at least inside your head), "NO! I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON! I AM A MOTHER! I WILL NOT DO THIS OR THINK ABOUT IT!"

You've got a very good chance of saving your M, even with all that's happened. But the beauty of the MB program is, even if your M ends, you will wind up stronger, and even more beautiful, for having gone through the experience.

You will be ok.

Lola I'm in the uk and have had to deal with a Bulgarian au air that did this to someone. The wife found out this au sir was sleeping with her husband and kicked her out. I got introduced to this aupair via a church and offered her a place to stay as was unaware why she had been kicked out.

Two months later and after very inappropriate behaviour around my husband I found out why she had been thrown out of her aupair job within an hour her stuff was out of my house and in the street. I had also managed to get her a second aupair job so emailed the family to let them know about her history and behaviour. They sacked her too. I believe she has gone home now.

Agencies don't really care as long as they look after the kids ok but I have learned alot from this experience and the big thing that these ladies do well is play victim and vulnerable when infect they have a good act going on.

First thing is to look after your health. I know exposure in the UK isnt as effective but you need to keep at it. Try to expose her on her Facebook account as you will be able to get to het Romanian relatives and friends.

Secure your finances, she is most definitely interested in your WH money so cutting his money supply is like cutting oxygen from this affair.

Plan A your husband, make sure you look nice, smell nice and be loving when he is around ( there are a lot of information on plan a here).

Maybe not to you but I doubt very much his family are thrilled with the spending and the new squeeze unless they are certifiably insane.

My exposure (im in UK too) was actually very well received. However it seemed not to hit the mark with some people. I soon realised however they at the very least shot the 'couple' some dirty looks and distanced themselves socially. Hang in there.

Is that true? I would be telling the agency that unless they fire the girl, I will be sending a facebook message to all my many friends informing them that x agency is not interested in the morals of their au pairs.

Just bad business not to react to that sort of thing. They might think that affairs will be wept under the rug by the embarrassed BS, so correct them on that point.

"Agencies don't really care as long as they look after the kids ok but I have learned alot from this experience and the big thing that these LADIES do well is play victim and vulnerable when infect they have a good act going on."

You Brits are so, so polite, calling these people ladies. Here in the US, we refer to them as skanks and/or a bunch of other words.

AM

Brits have a name for those skanks called slags. You can change the name but it all the same no matter what side of the pond you are on.

Don't have to be polite; what you want is to get her out of the picture by exposure. Like the idea of calling the agency or going to their website with a complaint.

I got a better name for you - prostitute. This affair will die quicker than a fruitfly once the money goes.

I dealt with an aupair agency when I tried to find the aupair a job. I helped her fill out their forms and they don't care about the girls behaviour as long as they can take care of the kids.

You can call the agency but really what can they do, she is not seeking any further employment as she now has a cash machine at her disposal. They can take her off their books and not use her again but that's not going to affect anything as she is not looking for work and can get work without an agency if she wants thanks to recent changes to uk immigration that now allows Bulgarians and Romanians to work freely in the uk.

Best to concentrate on exposing her to her romanian relatives as these are the people she will be effected by. Also make sure she can no longer have contact with your child.

I have seen first hand the manipulations these skanks perform. As I said I met my one in church and all that time she was still meeting up in hotels with the poor employers husband. ( she has been shunned by the church too as I exposed there)

Once the money runs out so will the A.

A little thing u can do is to report her to the inland revenue, she is liable for taxes on wages you paid her. She should have been paying NI and tax if not they will come after her (my aupair didn't and they did even thought she was paid little and below minimum wage)

Love the inland revenue tip, NB.

I agree with getting hold of Romanian relatives if possible, this would proabably hit her quite hard.



Wondering how many other happy families she's 'helped'. Do you have references from her last place? Or could you call up the agency and ask for the info sneakily, just saying you have an interest as her employer. It may be you can tell your h he's not the first to fall for her act and this will help bust up the poor little girl image.

If you can make contact with another former employer, who oul ddefinitely have some dirt on her, you both call the agency to complain. It stops her having a convenient job to go back to when the house of cards fall down, just make life difficult for her.