Being angry and resentful are totally understandable.

Does it make things any better at home?

Does it bring you and H closer together?

Does it make you happy?

Is it what you want?

Is there ever enough time to really pound it into him he has been a plonker?

You see, in my journey I have made many decisions. Bear in mind I was in a weird position where I knew about most of it for most of the time so I think I rode the roller coaster for a long long time.

I had to find a way to manage it.

I decided on Dday 1 to stay, and I worked on me, in retrospect I was way to clingy and needy but I still worked on me.

I decided that I didn't want to be depressed any more so fought my way out of that by learning more about me and working on me.

I found out who I was and realised I was pretty amazing. I got strong and when I was finally ready i made him decide just what it was he wanted.

He also made a decision and after a while things are good or at least the good things outweigh the bad ones.

Thats my journey in a nutshell, it took 5 years.

Throughout I reminded myself I decided to stay.

Is your mind set making you happy?

Can you see a light at the end of the tunnel that might not be an oncoming train?

Can I suggest that you find somewhere and some time in your day to spend in silence. 10 mins to start with. Total silence.

Listen to your inner goddess/god/whatever you call it.

Keep listening.

What would he have to do to make you happy, and he's not Dr Who. He doesn't have a time machine.

Blessings

Try reading this thread about forgiveness:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160280&Number=2519892#Post2519892

It's fine for you to be angry - terrific, even - because it means you're going through the stages of healing. What is not ok is to allow your feelings to lead you to AO's or DJ's. So the more angry you are, the more you need to be on guard against lovebusters. Your anger can be expressed respectfully and constructively.

Make an effort to focus on the positive things in your life. Allow FWH to meet your needs, even if you have to tell him very specifically what you want him to do for you.

Get your 20+ hours of UA time in without fail, and the new memories you form will serve as ballast against losing your balance.

He is trying but is still at times defensive. I don't feel the marriage is at risk anymore; you are right. I am stronger than before.

Def Not meeting h en as not in mood to make love quite frankly.... I wonder when that desire will return....

feelings follow actions.

Read the forgiveness link. Makes so much sense. I was abused by my baby sitter when I was young and dare raped when I was 15. I have forgiven those people so I sure hope I find forgiveness for WH and ow.

Do any of you VETS follow the Secret or The Key? Gratitude is my new mantra.

Did I swear? No replies.....??!

Where have you all gone?

AEK, I was able to achieve forgiveness by doing one key thing; not striving for it. Not thinking about it.

It happened through time and action from FWW.

By not allowing your current lack of forgiveness to control your thoughts and actions, you can move toward the point in which you will achieve it.

Feeling down today. Feel angry today. Sense apathy from FWH. Think he thinks he needs to try but not sure je really wants to. If he lived me he would never have risked EVERYTHING.

AEK1, Are you and H getting your minimum 15 hours a week UA time? During this important time of recovery, you should be putting it even more time. Are you making sure you are meeting each others most important emotional needs?

Your H had committed adultery because of poor boundaries, not because he didn't love you. Once the adultery started, the fog sets in and they say fog-babble things like ILYBINILWY. I know the logic SHOULD say that if he loved me, he would NOT have done this, but it's easier for a man to engage in a secret second life. There is no logic to adultery.

Ask him how he is feeling rather than assuming he is feeling particular way. It will give him a chance to be open and honest. And it gives you the opportunity as well.

AEK1,

I found that when I feel like that it is usually because something triggered me.

I have also found that when I feel like that and become distant toward DH - he is completely baffled by why I am suddenly distant. He then starts to distance himself from me. It turns into a road to ruin.

I have found that if I turn to him and explain what I am feeling - he then turns toward me and tries to fix it. But I have to open the door for him and give him a chance. Otherwise he is just baffled and confused.

UA time is crucial. It's all about rebuilding the romantic love.

Pokerface....I cannot believe that we have a similar story re: friend/neighbour and kids friends.....

You guys are so strong and wise. I hope I get there one day.

Most of the time I am looking forward but it's tough.

Today I feel I am over whelmed with work - I am a photographer. I haven't stopped since all this silliness started.....yet he has been out of work for months. He has a job starting in Sept but why hasn't he gone out and earned some money....he got us in to this mess. He says that he wanted us to be together and try and get our marriage on track...I say he was just being lazy quite frankly. I have a huge pile of new school uniform to label and pay for and I am so worried about the children settling in to their new school and him in to his new job.

I do love him but I think he is very selfish. He doesn't understand me if I have an off day or if I am a bit short with him.

I hope the days will get easier and the memories will fade. As you all said it would have been easier to move away from the area as when we come back it triggers me off.....need to address that in time but need to get kids settled first - think we will move north of school which will mean a good hour away from 'trouble'.

Thank you for everything.

No I don;t think we are getting enough me and him time. We are together a huge amount of the time but it's the school holidays and the kids are here too. Pre July, we were getting enough hours together but everything was pretty raw then.

Sometimes I just wonder why I am doing this. Wouldn't I be better alone? I know I would be ok and then I could meet a decent man who would never do this....as I now I know how to avoid it.

That's the big question, isn't it? I have asked myself that question every day. As the BW, you absolutely have the right to end things if you feel it is what is best for you.

For me, I chose to work it out because I love my H and I knew it would be best for my kids. Is it harder than separating? Yes. Is it worth it? For me, yes.

This sounds like the perfect dream to me.

Do you think it's realistic?

It might just bring a whole new different set of issues to your life. For instance,the kids might hate your new dream man ...this is often the case.

Think real hard about this ... before you do anything.

Give more UA a try. It is crucial.

What is your DH doing with his time?

I think this is a pretty normal thing for a BS to wonder. I know I did. It helped me, to know that I had choices in recovery. I would consider the choice of ending the M, but I always came back to the same thing: I loved my H. If I left him, I would be leaving the man I loved, but I'd still have the hurt. I realized that it wasn't the man I wanted to leave - I wanted the pain to leave. So I continued to make the choice to remain in my M and work through recovery. As we continued to recover and rebuild I considered leaving the M less and less, until it was no longer an option I considered at all.

AEK1, One thing to keep in mind about second marriages, especially those with children, is that they have an even higher divorce rate than first marriages. Sad, isn't it? It's hard to keep a great fantasy going with depressing statistics.

Being alone is always an option, but think of all you and your FWH have built these years together.

My H and I have been married for 31 years, and after D-Day, I remember thinking all that week that if that skanky ho of an OW thought I was going to slink away quietly and hand over everything I had helped to build with my H, she was WRONG.

After we started the road to recovery, even up to just a couple of weeks ago, I also thought of leaving, just to be on my own. Forget about a second marriage! Just to have some peace from the awful thoughts. I had to remind myself that the affair would NOT win.

Your H is completely back to you, right? And completely in love with you again and has his EPs in place? Do you really want to throw out all the history you have as a couple and the dreams, now that POSOW is out of your lives? You and your H are parents to children and have a really good shot at a rewarding marriage if you live out the MB principles.

Keep working at building a romantic relationship. It might be a good idea to sign up for the Online Class. That's been very helpful for us.

But absolutely can't stress enough the importance of getting that UA time every week. That's going to the be key. And the UA time must be enjoyable.

Can you handle your DH finding HIS new dream woman and then having to share your kids with this wonderful woman? They might love her too and come home and tell you all about the great things they did together.

That would kill me... I just want my family.