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#2527490 07/12/11 09:12 AM
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I've been here before but just made this name so I could ask a question, due to privacy reasons.

When should a spouse snoop? I see on the SAA forum that of course ppl do when they have strong reasons to suspect an affair. I don't have strong evidence. I just have some weird things that bother me, like he doesn't keep his history on his computer, it's automatically deleted. He travels frequently so that's a problem. And there are a few unexplained female names in his contact list.

Our marriage has been difficult for some time. Working on that.

I've never found anything out of order on phone bills (the ones with all the calls and texts) or in his main email. But that doesn't mean everything, correct?

I think part of this is a gut feeling, but I'm afraid to say that because it might just be from reading about all the infidelity on here. Input?

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Snooping is always a good idea in every marriage. If you find something, then you have an opportunity to save your marriage. If not, then you will feel reassured and trust is boosted. If your H travels then you should be checking often, because traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Welcome, wi.
In answer to your snooping question: snoop NOW. I'm saying that because you said this:
Quote:
I think part of this is a gut feeling
Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it. Snoop, and if you find nothing, great. If you find something, don't talk to your H about it. Bring your info here and let us help you with what you've found.


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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I installed the keylogger. I've only monitored one day so far, and he went to a porn site. I have a feeling that what I'm going to find is porn (hopefully no live relationship). If so, how do I handle that?

Last edited by Wonderingif; 07/31/11 08:24 AM.
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Hi wonderingif. If you only find porn, I would confront him with it and ask him to stop it. But don't do that until you have snooped longer. When you do confront him, just tell him you have been watching his computer activity and know that he went to XZY website but don't tell him about the keylogger.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Darn. Having trouble with the keylogger and won't have access to fix it for a few days. In the meantime, it's eating away at me a bit. One reason is, he knows very well how I feel about porn and I've even asked him about it recently, denied doing it. The other thing bothering me is it was about swingers. I guess that shouldn't make me jump to conclusions but it scares me to think what else I might find.

I'm working on my own behavior/issues in the meantime and we are getting along better than, well, than I can remember.

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Originally Posted By: Wonderingif
Darn. Having trouble with the keylogger and won't have access to fix it for a few days. In the meantime, it's eating away at me a bit. One reason is, he knows very well how I feel about porn and I've even asked him about it recently, denied doing it. The other thing bothering me is it was about swingers. I guess that shouldn't make me jump to conclusions but it scares me to think what else I might find.

I'm working on my own behavior/issues in the meantime and we are getting along better than, well, than I can remember.



Plan A your patootie off while you snoop.

Implement every tool you can while throwing him off his little trail here.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Crud. Talked to him tonight via video chat. He brought up that he knows someone's been messing with his computer. I can't lie well. Just said I check it from time to time and asked why he doesn't keep his history. He said he never has (I know for a fact he did up till a few yrs ago). Said he doesn't see why I can't trust him. I pointed out that he asked for all my emails and passwords etc when things were worse and I gave them. Said he can check anything of mine at anytime and did he have something to hide?

He said no. Asked what I was thinking I'd find and I said porn or other women. Man, I suck at this.

Anyway, he doesn't know about the keylogger and I'm sure thinks I really can't find anything (I'm not tech savvy, he is). I'll get it fixed soon and if anythings going on hopefully I'll still find it eventually.

Also, I have been Plan A'ing like crazy and we both have said we are feeling closer. It's beginning to take a toll, though. It's already been a few weeks. I'll just continue it for now and see what occurs. I did see a couple of unexplained phone calls on the latest bill. He talks to lots of ppl for work, and most of the calls were during work hours, but one particular number that shows up often during work hours also showed up a couple of times in the evenings hours. This is all while he's traveling.

I think I'm starting to imagine things.

Last edited by Wonderingif; 08/01/11 10:26 PM.
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The worst thing when you start to snoop is that when you find something, the spouse either has an explanation (which is seldom satisfactory), they get defensive at having their privacy violated (completely disregarding the fact they violated YOUR trust), or if you don't find anything, you will keep looking till you do and maybe get obsessed with it.

When I got married and moved into my husband's house I found several pictures of women (both from magazines, some porn as well as a few old girlfriends). One night I saw him type in his email password so I went in and checked later. He had been emailing himself pictures he'd found on the internet of various women. I found pictures stored in the history (when he forgot to clear it, he was usually pretty meticulous about this). Sadly, I even found he had been on a few dating sites up until 6 months before we got married. He had never directly communicated with any of the women, just sent a "smile" and some of them sent them back. But the thought in my mind was "if this is all I've found, what else is there I haven't?"

If someone wants to cheat/be dishonest they will find ways of getting away with it. The fact your husband's phone records are clear is a good indication; however, he may have another cell phone? This is common with cheaters.

I would be concerned about the swinger's sites. It's bad enough looking at girly porn but to me, this is disturbing. Maybe he's just curious or maybe he's looking into it.

I would explain to him your concern with the websites, and that if he has nothing to hide that he disclose everything to you (like you did for him - passwords, etc.) If he has a problem with this you might want to find out why, one way or the other.

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Eventually if your partner begins to be honest with you the desire to snoop dies away and the obsession with looking lessens each time you find nothing.

I wouldn't worry about getting obsessed with snooping, you may feel like you are for a time but from my experience if you can also be improving your relationship and get both of you working on marriage builders concepts then the worry and the fears die down as your partner starts acting in a more trustworthy manner.

I would suggest if you are worried or feeling insecure or jealous then there is probably a reason for it. (Short term feelings the reason may be hormones or something so watch out for this but longer term fears should be listened to).


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I looked closer at the phone records. There is a phone number that is texted to and from, mostly during work hours (I know the one supervisor under him texts him for help with a manufacturing line, so it may be her). But there are several that are just at the end of his workday (she should be off work by then, she is a laborer and they get off earlier). There are even a few in the evening and even two on Saturdays (when he is always home).

I'm really upset. I was able to get a name for the phone number and it's a woman's name, age 35, never heard her name before. It's not the same name as the supervisor. I think I'm going to ask him what the supervisor's number is. I can't stand this.

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I know what you are going through. Years ago I too subscribed to a keylogger software and found page after page of every porn site and even escorts services and messages he sent to people. At the time i disregarded it and never mentioned it and found my own way to get back to make myself feel better at the time. Another time a credit card company called the house to confirm some charges and told me they were from I-friends (this i did mention and he came back with some weird excuse)

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Originally Posted By: Wonderingif
I looked closer at the phone records. There is a phone number that is texted to and from, mostly during work hours (I know the one supervisor under him texts him for help with a manufacturing line, so it may be her). But there are several that are just at the end of his workday (she should be off work by then, she is a laborer and they get off earlier). There are even a few in the evening and even two on Saturdays (when he is always home).

I'm really upset. I was able to get a name for the phone number and it's a woman's name, age 35, never heard her name before. It's not the same name as the supervisor. I think I'm going to ask him what the supervisor's number is. I can't stand this.


wonderingif, I would get his phone and sneak eblaster or flexispy on it so you can read his texts. Don't accuse him until you get better intel. He will just go further underground.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I did ask about the phone calls/texts. He says they are all work-related. I did recall that the one, on a Saturday that he sent, was when I was there. He sent two texts to co-workers that night letting them know we were at a concert he had told them about. That was the one bothering me the most.

Anyway the keylogger is now partially working so I'll watch that and try to get it fixed when I can. Right now I'm fairly sure there is no other person. He did admit to porn use, however. He doesn't seem to think it should bother me. I explained how it makes me feel inadequate etc. and that I want him exclusively coming to me (phone or skype if he's away) for anything sexual. I'm not sure if that's something he's willing to commit to.

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What do you do with a man who thinks a little porn here and there should not bother me? And who thinks my snooping is the problem, that a couple has to have trust or they don't have a good marriage? (even though the wife just found porn again recently).

I've been Plan A'ing like crazy and it's been great. Part of Plan A has been traveling to dh when he's out of town so we can have good UA time. He said he enjoys it but now the $ I spend to get there is too much and we should cut it down (not weekly, maybe just monthly). Cost is about $35/week. I don't get it.

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I was feeling so hopeful last week. Cleaning up my side of the fence and having all that great UA time was helping. Now he doesn't care if we have the UA time because of $, and my need to feel secure is discounted.

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A couple will have trust if they have honesty and openness.

It is honesty and openness that is needed in a marriage, trust follows.

There are numerous threads about porn and a couple of articles onsite. It tends not to be a positive thing in a marriage, and if one partner is unhappy about it then like anything it shouldn't be happening.


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Is it reasonable to expect that even an innocent spouse would take snooping as an insult? I mean, ppl who aren't buying into MB principles. People who have been taught that a relationship must be based on trust, etc?

Or is it the experience of the vets here that a spouse who gets upset about the snooping is usually guilty? And what if he says that the snooping is making him think he should snoop on you, since your snooping raises his suspicions about you?

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Quote:
Is it reasonable to expect that even an innocent spouse would take snooping as an insult? I mean, ppl who aren't buying into MB principles. People who have been taught that a relationship must be based on trust, etc?

A person who is insulted because his or her spouse has "checked up on" them is either A. in an affair, or B. so engrossed in an independent lifestyle that they find Radical Honesty repugnant and POJA "controlling."

Neither is healthy for the marriage. He or she is either in an affair, or very vulnerable to one.

Quote:
And what if he says that the snooping is making him think he should snoop on you, since your snooping raises his suspicions about you?

Invite him to!

Last edited by Prisca; 08/10/11 11:00 PM. Reason: clarification

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Prisca #2534688 08/10/11 11:15 PM
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Quote:
I've been Plan A'ing like crazy and it's been great. Part of Plan A has been traveling to dh when he's out of town so we can have good UA time. He said he enjoys it but now the $ I spend to get there is too much and we should cut it down (not weekly, maybe just monthly). Cost is about $35/week. I don't get it.

Your husband works out of town and he doesn't want you to visit?
skeptical


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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