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I went through a period of terrible depression. During that time I turned to sex for excitement and had sex with several different men. The depression was over several years but the affairs where over a six week period when I just lost control of my life.

I have been in therapy for about 5 months and stopped the affairs before starting therapy. My husband does not know about the men.

Now I am trying to figure out how to fix my disaster of a marriage. I don't want to divorce because we have 4 kids (13,15,16 an 18 years old). I just don't know how to love my husband again. I do all the normal wifey things and try to fake it. Husband says that he is happy in our marriage but I am not.

I am struggling with two things. Can I ever have a good marriage with such a big secret between us? And do I want to stay in a marriage with a man that shows me no love or attention?

I currently have a close male friend (non-sexual). It is so nice to spend time with him. We talk for hours. We care for each other and support each other. He is what I would want in a husband. He is also the person that helped me stop sleeping around and make things right with God. When I am upset, he is the one I turn to. It should be my husband but he is just not emotional available and I can't handle life on my own.

I will not divorce until my 13 year daughter has graduated from high school. During those 5 years, it would be nice to fix my marriage so we don't divorce but I just don't think it is fixable.

Any advice would be great.

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V,

You won't like my answers, but here they are.

The reason your marriage is not working is because of YOU. Your husband is not "available" to you because you are not invested in him.

You run to another man for advice, for support, for friendship. You have had multiple affairs, and have checked out of the relationship with your husband.

Then, you complain about your husband as being


"not available" to YOU?????


Do you see here that YOU are not available to YOUR HUSBAND?


Is there any part of you that sees this?



Then you say that you "can't handle life" on your own. This speaks volumes to the fact that you are simply using your husband as a financial vehicle for your own convenience.



So, from your husband's point of view, he has an emotionally distant wife, one who checked out of the marriage years ago, who runs to another man for all of her needs, and uses him only for financial support. Why would your husband WANT to meet your emotional needs? After all - what is in this for HIM?


And your husband doesn't even know about your affairs, yet.


I know that I am being hard on you, but your only chance here is for you to really see things clearly. Right now, you are in what is called "the fog". You have a wayward mindset, one in which you have a sense of entitlement to what YOU want. Your post shows that you want:

1. Your husband to pay your way for at least the next five years until your youngest graduates.

2. Your husband to remain in the dark about your sexual encounters with other men.

3. Your inappropriate relationship with this close male friend to continue, so you can "care for and support each other" until such time as .... I would suppose that your ultimate plan is to dump your husband and marry this guy? After, that is, you use your husband for the next five years.....


Around here, we BUILD marriages. Expect the advice to include:

dumping this close male friend and never contacting him again, because you are currently in an emotional affair with him

telling your husband about your affairs

changing your behavior to improve yourself so YOU meet your HUSBAND's emotional needs and STOP focusing on your own needs


More to come.

Sorry to start you off with such a bang, but...there it is.


Welcome to Marriage BUILDERS. And no, I will not tell you that I agree that you have permission to plan to divorce in five years.

Nope.
No matter how "happy" you might think that would make you. Because you are completely and totally wrong in your thinking.

Schoolbus


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Quote
I went through a period of terrible depression. During that time I turned to sex for excitement and had sex with several different men. The depression was over several years but the affairs where over a six week period when I just lost control of my life.

I have been in therapy for about 5 months and stopped the affairs before starting therapy. My husband does not know about the men.

Now I am trying to figure out how to fix my disaster of a marriage. I don't want to divorce because we have 4 kids (13,15,16 an 18 years old). I just don't know how to love my husband again. I do all the normal wifey things and try to fake it. Husband says that he is happy in our marriage but I am not.

I am struggling with two things. Can I ever have a good marriage with such a big secret between us? And do I want to stay in a marriage with a man that shows me no love or attention?

I currently have a close male friend (non-sexual). It is so nice to spend time with him. We talk for hours. We care for each other and support each other. He is what I would want in a husband. He is also the person that helped me stop sleeping around and make things right with God. When I am upset, he is the one I turn to. It should be my husband but he is just not emotional available and I can't handle life on my own.

I will not divorce until my 13 year daughter has graduated from high school. During those 5 years, it would be nice to fix my marriage so we don't divorce but I just don't think it is fixable.

Any advice would be great.


FTR


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Originally Posted by violette
I will not divorce until my 13 year daughter has graduated from high school. During those 5 years, it would be nice to fix my marriage so we don't divorce but I just don't think it is fixable.
.

So you plan on tricking your husband into staying married to you? What if he would choose to NOT stay in a marriage with you. Would you deny him the right to make that choice?

Wouldn't that be extremely cruel and manipulative?

Are you a real mean gal?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
V,



The reason your marriage is not working is because of YOU. Your husband is not "available" to you because you are not invested in him.

You run to another man for advice, for support, for friendship. You have had multiple affairs, and have checked out of the relationship with your husband.

Then, you complain about your husband as being


"not available" to YOU?????


Do you see here that YOU are not available to YOUR HUSBAND?


Is there any part of you that sees this?



Then you say that you "can't handle life" on your own. This speaks volumes to the fact that you are simply using your husband as a financial vehicle for your own convenience.

I have tried to be available to my husband. Before and after the affairs. He is just not interested. As long as he has dinner, the house is clean, kids taken care of and sex that's all he wants.

It is not about financial support. I worry about how my daughter would handle the divorce. I prefer to give her a stable home until she leaves for college. She deserves to live with both her mom and dad.

Quote
Around here, we BUILD marriages. Expect the advice to include:

dumping this close male friend and never contacting him again, because you are currently in an emotional affair with him

telling your husband about your affairs

changing your behavior to improve yourself so YOU meet your HUSBAND's emotional needs and STOP focusing on your own needs


More to come.

Sorry to start you off with such a bang, but...there it is.


Welcome to Marriage BUILDERS. And no, I will not tell you that I agree that you have permission to plan to divorce in five years.

Nope.
No matter how "happy" you might think that would make you. Because you are completely and totally wrong in your thinking.

Schoolbus

How could telling my husband about the affairs save my marriage? It would be a disaster.

As long as there is no sex, the emotional affair is fine. My husband does know my friend and does not have a problem with him.

I am working on changing my behavior. Things have been calmer lately and my husband has been in a good mood so I do think that is helping.


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Originally Posted by schoolbus
The reason your marriage is not working is because of YOU. Your husband is not "available" to you because you are not invested in him.

This is exactly correct. And I will add that I know why you are depressed. You are depressed because you continually violate your conscience by degrading yourself. Not only did you commit adultery in a very, very cheap way, but you continue to lie to your victim about it.

Lying and adultery CAUSE depression.

*YOU* are the reason your marriage is so bad. You are the reason you are depressed. Happiness is the result of being good, not bad.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by violette
I will not divorce until my 13 year daughter has graduated from high school. During those 5 years, it would be nice to fix my marriage so we don't divorce but I just don't think it is fixable.
.

So you plan on tricking your husband into staying married to you? What if he would choose to NOT stay in a marriage with you. Would you deny him the right to make that choice?

Wouldn't that be extremely cruel and manipulative?

Are you a real mean gal?

I don't think I am mean.

My preference would be to end the marriage. I am staying because I been told it is selfish to leave. Probably should have come here first.

I have talked it over with my priest, received counseling and have a spiritual director. I constantly pray on it. All say the same thing. Stay and make the marriage work. That I need to focus on fixing my marriage. The 5 year plan is mine and not anyone elses advice. I just can't think of being married until death. I figure it gives me 5 years to fix the marriage. If I can't fix it in 5 years then I give up.

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Originally Posted by violette
How could telling my husband about the affairs save my marriage? It would be a disaster.

What is a disaster is your adultery and your continued deceit. How will lying to your husband about your affairs save your marriage? Your marriage IS a disaster. Your husband just doesn't know what you have done to him yet.

Not telling your husband what you have done to him is cruel and manipulative and deceitful. This is information about his life that is being wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him. He has a RIGHT to know what you have done to him.

By not telling him, you also expose him to all of manner of sleazy sexual diseases.

By not telling him you remain an unrepentant liar and adultress. You are a dangerous person. He needs to know what you have done so he can protect himself and his children from you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by schoolbus
The reason your marriage is not working is because of YOU. Your husband is not "available" to you because you are not invested in him.

This is exactly correct. And I will add that I know why you are depressed. You are depressed because you continually violate your conscience by degrading yourself. Not only did you commit adultery in a very, very cheap way, but you continue to lie to your victim about it.

Lying and adultery CAUSE depression.

*YOU* are the reason your marriage is so bad. You are the reason you are depressed. Happiness is the result of being good, not bad.

I have been married 20 years. Faithfully except for 6 weeks at the beginning of this year. Depression was before the affairs. But the affairs made the depression worse.

Do you really think the marriage would improve if my husband knew about the affairs? That is not an option.

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Originally Posted by violette
I don't think I am mean.

Your actions say otherwise. Lying and cheating and tricking your husband is about as mean as it gets. You are mean.

Quote
My preference would be to end the marriage. I am staying because I been told it is selfish to leave. Probably should have come here first.

Your "preferences" do not entitle you to abuse others. Your husband has a right to know what you have done whether you leave or not. He would be safer if you did leave. But he still has a right to know the truth about his own life. And you have no right to trick and manipulate him.

Quote
I have talked it over with my priest, received counseling and have a spiritual director. I constantly pray on it. All say the same thing. Stay and make the marriage work. That I need to focus on fixing my marriage. The 5 year plan is mine and not anyone elses advice. I just can't think of being married until death. I figure it gives me 5 years to fix the marriage. If I can't fix it in 5 years then I give up.

Your marriage is a lie. You are a liar and a cheater. An unrepentant one. Any "spiritual director" who told you lying was the right thing to do gets her "spiritual" direction from hell. The solution to sin is to repent. You have not done that. Any Christian who tells you otherwise is apostate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by violette
How could telling my husband about the affairs save my marriage? It would be a disaster.

What is a disaster is your adultery and your continued deceit. How will lying to your husband about your affairs save your marriage? Your marriage IS a disaster. Your husband just doesn't know what you have done to him yet.

Not telling your husband what you have done to him is cruel and manipulative and deceitful. This is information about his life that is being wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him. He has a RIGHT to know what you have done to him.

By not telling him, you also expose him to all of manner of sleazy sexual diseases.

By not telling him you remain an unrepentant liar and adultress. You are a dangerous person. He needs to know what you have done so he can protect himself and his children from you.

I was tested after the affairs. No STDs. I am no longer sleeping with anyone. I am not dangerous to my children.

I did repent. I went to confession and repented. My sins are between God and me.

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Originally Posted by violette
[

Do you really think the marriage would improve if my husband knew about the affairs? That is not an option.

Of course it is an option to tell him the truth. Your marriage will NEVER improve as long as you continue to lie and manipulate him. And he may not choose to stay married to you. That is his right.

If you came here looking for support to help you lie and trick your husband you came to the wrong place. There are cheaters forums who will give support in being a liar and a cheater. This forum won't help you ruin your marriage and trick your husband.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by violette
[
I was tested after the affairs. No STDs. I am no longer sleeping with anyone. I am not dangerous to my children.

I did repent. I went to confession and repented. My sins are between God and me.

That is a lie. You have not repented. You continue to lie to your husband. You have not turned away from your crimes. And yes, you are dangerous to your children. You cheat on their father, lie to him and treat him cruelly. You subject him to STDs. And I don't believe you were tested.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Your marriage is a lie. You are a liar and a cheater. An unrepentant one. Any "spiritual director" who told you lying was the right thing to do gets her "spiritual" direction from hell. The solution to sin is to repent. You have not done that. Any Christian who tells you otherwise is apostate.

I think I will trust my priest's guidance more than someone on the internet.

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Do you want help with your marriage? Or are you here for support for your lies and your trickery?

We will be glad to help you, but only if it starts with HONESTY. HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not more lies, not more deceit.

We won't help you remain a liar.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by violette
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Your marriage is a lie. You are a liar and a cheater. An unrepentant one. Any "spiritual director" who told you lying was the right thing to do gets her "spiritual" direction from hell. The solution to sin is to repent. You have not done that. Any Christian who tells you otherwise is apostate.

I think I will trust my priest's guidance more than someone on the internet.

I don't believe a priest told you that lying demonstrates repentance. You made that up. And even if one did, which I seriously doubt, you know it is not true.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by violette
[
I was tested after the affairs. No STDs. I am no longer sleeping with anyone. I am not dangerous to my children.

I did repent. I went to confession and repented. My sins are between God and me.

That is a lie. You have not repented. You continue to lie to your husband. You have not turned away from your crimes. And yes, you are dangerous to your children. You cheat on their father, lie to him and treat him cruelly. You subject him to STDs. And I don't believe you were tested.

Why would I lie about being tested? I haven't slept with someone since February. I was tested in March. I need to get retested in Sept. It is not that hard to get tested. Simple blood test.

I know what I did was wrong and I made a firm commitment to not repeat my sinful actions. I may be a liar and a cheat but I have repented.

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If your priest told you to remain a liar, and that God finds that acceptable, I will eat my hat.

I will have to go buy a hat to eat, but I am a dedicated kind of girl. I'd do it.

Let us know when you're ready to work and heal yourself and your marriage.

And no one here believes your dismissal of us as strangers on the Internet. You came looking for us. You need us. You know that you are on the wrong path.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Do you want help with your marriage? Or are you here for support for your lies and your trickery?

We will be glad to help you, but only if it starts with HONESTY. HONESTY is the solution to adultery, not more lies, not more deceit.

We won't help you remain a liar.

It was recommended that I come here to help my marriage. I have been trying different things and it doesn't seem to be helping so thought I would give it a try. I guess it was a mistake because if it requires me to tell my husband, the answer is no.

I stopped the bad behavior that is the best I can do.

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Originally Posted by violette
Why would I lie about being tested? I haven't slept with someone since February. I was tested in March. I need to get retested in Sept. It is not that hard to get tested. Simple blood test.

I know what I did was wrong and I made a firm commitment to not repeat my sinful actions. I may be a liar and a cheat but I have repented.

Another lie. In order to repent you have to stop lying. You have not stopped. Every day you don't tell your husband what you did to him is another lie added to the list.

You continue to lie and decieve your husband to this very day.

You are wasting our time with all this, Violette. Do you want help or not?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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