Thank you for giving me a place to start. I will read it.

A lie. You should say "I just WON'T do it."

So why waste our time if you aren't serious? What do you want?

P.S. I say this NOT to allow that it's OK to to keep "thinking" about what you should do. That would be ridiculous.

My only point is to not continue this thought process...which IS ridiculous. You need to get serious if you actually want help. Think about that. Affair = wrong. Nothing more needs to be said about the reason except that you have terrible boundaries.

What do you want to happen? Excuses? Not gonna happen here. Solutions? Can 100% happen here, but no guaranty. Pick one goal.

Yep. "Can't" and "won't" are a mega-second apart that can't be seen by the human eye.

You WON'T. Face that. Or don't.

I really am staggered by your selfishness in refusing to be honest about what you�ve done.

The things you have done to your husband and daughter are unspeakably vile, yet you remain only concerned about YOU and what will happen to YOU when the truth comes out.

It isn�t "throwing yourself under a bus", drama queen, it�s called telling the truth and thinking of others before yourself. These are behaviours that children are capable of.

Your comment about your husband's shortcomings - in the face of what you have done - are laughable.

I like sex and a clean house too � does this mean that I deserved to have my heart pulverized by the person I trusted most in the world?

Reading your post makes me physically ill, and the incredibly vile sexual infidelity isn�t even the worst part. The self entitled "me, me, me, I, I, I, - but what about me" stuff is the really disgusting part.

You say you are entitled to have an inappropriate male friendship because you don�t have any female friends. And because you feel down.

Actually you aren�t. Stop it now.

You say you are worried your daughter will be dishonest or inappropriate with boys, if you are truthful.

She may do one day if you continue to teach her that sneaking and lying is the normal behaviour of a grown woman. Tell her the truth about what you have done, take her criticism of you on the chin and tell her how awful these mistakes are and how they ruin lives. Do it for her.

If you talk about the effects of these revelations on YOU one more time, we�ll know we are just talking to a self entitled wayward.

Right now you are the sort of person who commits adultery and risks STDs using the excuse of depression.

You are the sort of person who blames their partner for their horrific mistakes

You are the sort of person who thinks it is acceptable to lie to their child

You are the sort of person who uses the sanctity of marriage simply as a shelter from the real world, taking whatever 'security' you want without giving anything back.

For the first time since this sorry saga began, do something for your husband and daughter instead of for yourself. Tell them what you have done to them, humbly beg their pardon and make amends. Without any whining.

You can choose to become a �former� wayward, someone who is truly sorry for what they have done and who is honest, by telling the truth to your victims. There is no magic pill to make you and your marriage better without people finding out. They need to know.

violette,

Hi there again, you sound very confused and scared and quite frankly very fogged out emotionally and you are in denial and a state of selfishness.......

If I were you I would read every article on this site, do the questionaires yourself and read all the stories you can on the forum from other experiences and you will see you are not anything special, you are as confused as some other on here before you........
You need to do some self searching first, some honesty about who you are and the way you think.
You need to look at this from what you have chosen to do and not what you blame your husband for.........he is not even aware of what is going on with you, how can you blame him....
You have acted and have been thinking very selfishly this isn't about him this is about you.......
You have to decide to be a better person, make the changes and be totally accountable for your actions, you have to be totally honest and start a new relationship with your husband that is going to mean something.......
If you can't do that then walk away and let him find someone that can love him like he deserves, he is a good man........just trying to take care of his family.

This starts with you, the vets are here to help you, they are tough on you because they care about helping you and your marriage, this is a marriage saving site.........If you can take it and let them help you your life will be so much better, you will be at peace with yourself, your marriage will be better and you won't even believe it yourself how good it could be........
But you have to do the work, you have to want it, you have to care whether your husband is happy and his needs are being met as well. This isn't about you.......
You can have your life if you want it alone that is not the issue, if that is what you really want, go what is stopping you, if you want your family and your marriage, do something positive about it...........You aren't perfect why do you expect him to be............Right now you have to change you in order to be the real person that he can love and devote himself to.......
Stop the excuses and get to work, let the vets help you.......they put in countless hours on lost souls that have come out on top and now thrive in their marriages and in their personal lives.............
it's a win win...........
please think about what your next move will be......
it starts with you and only you....

The people here, who are trying to help you, are literally trying to help save your SOUL. They are genuinely trying to help YOU.

These secrets that you are keeping from your BH and DD are harming YOU. They are making you depressed.

When you were a child, what did you dream about? Having a husband who loved you, having a child who adored you, and you loving them too. You dreamed of growing old together. Being HAPPY. Did you ever once say, "I am going to think so little of myself that I am going to have filthy disgusting affairs." Probably not.

Your moral compass is all outta whack here, and these people who are trying to help you, are trying to get you back on track.

Do you believe adultery is wrong? Do you believe that lying is wrong? Did you always?

Violette, I haven't posted to you yet, and I can't really top the advice you've been getting, but felt the need to add my $.02, FWIW.

I'm a FWW. I cheated on my H emotionally and physically. When he discovered the A, I ended it immediately, but I didn't come clean with him. I lied because I didn't want him to find out I'd had sex with the OM. Oh, like you, I had a million justifications for lying. Reasons that, in my warped and fogged mind, I thought were rational and noble. I didn't want to hurt my H more, I told myself. It would crush him. I didn't want to lose him. He'd reacted to the discovery of what he thought was an EA with all the love, affection, attention and romance I'd been missing for so many years, and I knew if he found out the truth, all of that would end, and I selfishly wanted to keep getting my needs met.

I tried to trick him into remaining married to me. That's it in a nutshell. Peachy's analogy about the doctor doing tests, and not giving you the information you needed to decide on the appropriate treatment, is absolutely perfect.

It's amazing the people who think that adultery is best kept a secret. I've had people ask me, even now, why did I tell the truth? They say, "I would've taken it to my grave." No, none of us can sit here and tell you that your conscience will gnaw at you. We don't know you.

You say you want to "fix" your M. I used this analogy once before, and I use it here as a warning:

Imagine you and your BH decide to remodel your house. There are things each of you don't like about it, ways that maybe the kitchen is not set up 'just right' to meet your needs. Perhaps there are parts of the house that have simply fallen into disrepair, and you want to restore it to its former glory.

So you begin your renovation projects. First you begin by tearing out all that is worn, outdated, or broken beyond repair. Then you begin to rebuild, taking time and effort to create something of beauty.

Your BH has left you the job of tearing up the carpet in the living room. When you pull the carpet up, you see that the floorboards are rotten. You know that it will take a lot of time and effort to repair it properly, because rot needs to be completely taken out and replaced with new material. You decide you don't want to take the time, and you make the decision - on your own - to simply lay the new carpet over the rotten floorboards. You think your BH will never find out.

Problem is, the rot spreads. It seeps through the new carpet and leaves stains. You shift the furniture around, move an area rug over in that corner, and smile happily. There, you think. All covered up.

You and your BH complete all your rebuilding and have a showplace of a home. It's gorgeous, everything you ever wanted.

What you failed to consider was that the rot started to smell. Your BH smelled it and became suspicious, and started investigating to find out what was causing the odor. He searched high and low, and finally, under the new carpet in the living room, covered by a rug and a piece of furniture, he finds the rotten floorboards. Now they are so rotten, the floor can barely hold weight.

In mere moments, the beautiful home you built, on a rotten foundation, is ripped to shreds. You have to tear out all the work that has been done because the damage is too severe. The cost of repairs is even greater than the original work, and your BH is crushed, that all his efforts were for nothing. His efforts were wasted because YOU decided what was "best" for your house.

Yes, he may leave you when he finds out the truth. My BH eventually did. He tried to stay, he tried to love me, but I did such a good job for four months of covering up the rot in our marriage that he can't believe there's no more rot there, somewhere.

It doesn't matter how your M was like, pre-A. Once you have an A, the old M is dead. You have to choose to rebuild it, and do it the right way. You have to give your BH the choice to decide whether to rebuild or not, to make a truly informed decision.

You cannot truly say you have repented from your sins, unless you demonstrate true remorse and repentance. You have a chance to do this, whether your M survives the truth or not.

Violet -

My husband "tricked" me like you are doing to your husband.

My husband had an affair within the first year of our marriage, that he decided to keep secret from me for 17 years.

I built my whole life on a lie.

My husband held me back from a life I could've had. He let me make major life decisions based on a foundation of fraud.
He held me hostage.

Keeping this information from your husband is incredibly selfish.
It is the most selfish act I can imagine.

Shame on you.

Even though your marriage ended, you still think that confessing was the right thing to do?

I don't know what to say.

But what is the point in staying in a marriage where you claim to be unhappy and worried about your children if you and your BH divorce. All actions have consequences that are not always what we want and are not pleasant. But as adults you have to take responsibility for your own actions and the consequences that come with it.

It is more than unfair to have your husband live a lie and not be told the truth. He has the right to make his own decisions not you.

What kind of example are you setting for your children? Especially if this comes out eventually and not from you. How do you think your children will view you when they find out you've lied to their father and to them.

I was sexual abuse and grew up with an abusive alcoholic father.

My dreams as a kid where surviving my childhood and move out and never to rely on or trust a man. Because one thing I could always count on is being let down. I survived my childhood but numbing myself with drugs and alcohol starting at the age of 12 years old. So compared to my parents, I am a saint. I am not sure I have respected myself or others when it comes to sex. No I never planned on having affairs.

I guess I am selfish. I only recently starting following my religion. My moral compass is pretty much broke and do struggle with many sins. I guess I learned how to lie and fake it at a young age.

Yes I believe adultery is wrong. I keep secrets but have not had to directly lie. My husband keeps secrets too and I have caught him in many lies. I just ignore them. It is not worth arguing. There is way more trouble in the marriage then just my affairs. I really wanted help on the other stuff but once I mentioned my affairs, it was over. So I will just have to figure out things for myself.

I have only mentioned my daughter because she is my biggest concern but I do have 3 teenage boys. I just can't imagine the destruction that will happen if I come clean.

I do want to be a better person but all my survival instincts tell me that I will be destroyed. I know, drama queen.

What does BH stand for?

I was physically abused as a child as well. It helped me become the person I am today because I CHOSE to rise above it.

I didn't do drugs, I am not an alcoholic and I only have ever had SF with my husband. NONE of "my" issues are important to what I CHOOSE to do today.

There may be other things wrong in your marriage, but if you read here enough, you will hear about something called "History re-write" and that is where you have justified the terrible things that you have done by looking for ANY reason that someone else caused it to happen instead of looking at YOURSELF.

You can only control what YOU do. You are not being MADE to do anything.

Right now, I see someone who is taking the easy way out. I don't see a drama queen, I see a coward. It takes real courage and strength to do something when it is hard. We all have it in us, you just need to find yours.

BH stands for Betrayed Husband.

Yes, it was the right thing to do. I don't deny that I hurt, that I miss my H terribly, and more than anything I want our M, I want him to be my husband. The regrets that I have center on what I did wrong - I regret the A. I regret lying to my H. I regret that I wasn't a better W to him pre-A, that I failed to properly communicate that my needs weren't being met, I failed to comprehend that his needs were different than mine.

I regret that I have lost the love of my life, but I only have myself to blame for that.

It wasn't the truth that caused me to lose him, it was the lies.

And FWIW I'm still trying to win him back. I don't know if I'll succeed, some days it looks mighty grim, but he is worth it to me.

Wulffpack - I wish you could talk to my WW, I really do. She would have some much to gain from your perspective! I hope that you're able to recover your M in the future! A personal word of thanks for continuing to be here, even though it's got to be hard on you.

Violette - you sound like my WW. She too makes excuses and just wants to be 'happy.' It's all about her. Sound familiar? What about your kids? Have you seriously thought about the impact this will have on them? What will they take into their adult relationships? What are you showing/teaching them?

If you have the courage and willpower, you have a chance to recover your marriage but it won't be easy. There's a lot of work involved, but the good things in life usually require effort.

Ironically, I still want my WW back. Right now, she's not the person I fell in love with, married and had a child with. There's an alien in her body now - whether she remains gone forever remains to be seen. If she were to try and come back at some point in the future, then I will have a decision to make.

Way to hang in there Andy.

Violette, Im the BH in my situation, and before my wife told me she was having an affair i would have told her to hit the road. But once you are really dealing with this, things change. All of a sudden i was the husband that wanted to fight to make my marriage better. I have 4 kids that need there parents together and i know that it could of been great, if she would of tried. Sadly tho, she did not want to try at all and WW has pretty much left me with the kids and she just kinda pops in and out of there lives. It is an awful life lesson that they are learning and they are lost without her being home and they hate leaving home to see her. Its so bad that most of the time they are in tears when they do have to see her, because she has changed so much. Your actions and thoughts remind me so much of how my EX ww acts.

It sounds to me like there would be hope for you to work your marriage into something great. But honesty needs to be there first. Good luck.

Not at all. Nobody wants you to knuckle under and submit to a bad marriage as penance or anything like that. No way. One of the steps to a proper recovery is rebuilding the romantic love and making sure BOTH your needs are met.

Dr H says relationships after an affair can not just survive they can THRIVE - I do honestly believe that.

I can't put it any better than WPG's incredibly wise anaology though - you have to tell your husband about the rotten floorboards FIRST. Then he can help you pull them loose and together you rebuild something you both want. He has to do this willingly though (and most BSs do choose to rebuild)

The main thing that makes us BSs run off is the feeling that we are being lied to. The lies really are the worst part. However I am willing to rebuild with my WH - even though he is currently lying to me. Even though I always swore I would never forgive a cheater.

All he has to do is stop lying and become radically honest and transparent before my patience runs out. If he had told me about the affair himself - it would have been so much easier.

Your BH does have the right to end things though, it is important you understand that.

I should make it clear that I am not a vet, I have only been here two months,


But I do know there are steps to the remodelled dream house WPG has told you about.

It's not that we dont care about your other marriage problems. It's just that you're talking about the colour of the bathroom wallpaper when you and your family are about to go crashing through the rotten floorboards.

What if someone tells your BH about the affair tomorrow, before you find the courage? You will miss the opportunity forever.

The first step is honesty

You cant reach the step where you and your husband rebuild a better, stronger marriage together without telling him exactly what it is you're rebuilding and recovering from.

Yes it does go against instincts, but the vets here have recovered their marriages after an affair and helped countless others do so. They have given me stellar advice during the bleakest weeks of my life.

Your instincts told you to fix your marriage problems with affairs.

Their knowledge saves marriages.

Go with their knowledge over your instincts.

Again?

How's that been working for you?