Hi AEK

Been away playing with Plonker for a week with no internet access and on my return thought I would look in on you!

You never say much about you H, is he doing all the right stuff? are you still checking up on him?

I know well the feeling of wanting to walk away. But like someone else said, then I would be miserable on my own and I do love the Plonker. So I chose to stay. As far as I know he has kicked her to the kerb, he's lovely with me, attentive, affectionate, kind.

I haven't mentioned Ginge in about 8 weeks, she gets more insignificant to me all the time. He hasn't mentioned her, we stopped all the A talk and focus on here and now.

I ALSO GOT MYSELF TOUGH ENOUGH THAT I KNEW I WOULD BE FINE ON MY OWN.

That made it a real choice.

So I stay, we wok at it without discussing it. We just had 7 days together 24/7, and not a single cross word. I can't ever remember doing that pre DDay2. We enjoyed each others company and did great stuff.

Of course it's still there in the back of everything, but then so are lots of other problems. I just didn't want to end 23 years together without giving it a last real try.

Hang on in there honey, try reading Deepak Chopra 7 secrets of success (Or something similar)it helped me focus on what was important.

Blesisngs

I have read the secret and the key. I found these quite useful. H is ok I think although his mistake has severy affected his career, our income and people has lost respect for him. Don't really know how to help him because I have similar feelings and have very little respect for him.

We don't talk about the A much anymore. I have days when it's in my mind but these are getting much less.

I will be relieved when sept is over and hopefully the kids will be settled at school.

I think a move is essential.

Ditto on that move.

I've never read them.

Dittoes, many dittoes on needing to get enough UA time. You will not have loving feelings return when you're not getting enough $LB deposits, and the same for him.

As to finding someone else, so much depends on where FWH ends up. For example, I know for myself that if I was to go out and find someone new, who had never cheated, he would be far more likely to cheat on me than AJ. AJ has been through it and come out the other side, and is able to recognize the first hint of potential danger.

As good of a man as he has always been, he just wasn't that sensitive or aware before.

So I would trust him more now than someone who hasn't been through it. His actions show that he is trustworthy.

This is my draft reply to OW who wants to meet. I do not want to meet her - she does not deserve my company.......




I have thought long and hard about meeting with you.

It is not a good idea. I don't have anything to say to you and every time we have seen each other the content has been twisted. You were willing to take my husband and children away from me; that was your intention.

Thankfully, Johnnie and I are in a better place (and may be we have you to thank for this); he has realised that it was all about physical gratification (which was on a plate 24/7 - you were always in our house) and that he had no true feelings towards you....you started it, made the first move, suggested meetings, made it happen....he just took part. Guilty but not manipulative.

Good luck.

OW darft - redone...thoughts please.

I have thought long and hard about meeting with you.

It is not a good idea. I don't have anything to say to you and every time we have seen each other the content has been twisted. You were willing to take my husband and children away from me; I am clear that this was your intention.

Thankfully, Johnnie and I are in a better place (and may be we have you to thank for this); he has realised that it was all about physical gratification (which was on a plate 24/7 - you were always in our house) and he knows now that he had no feelings towards you....you started it, made the first move, bought the first gift, suggested meetings, made him feel guilty if he didn't want to see you, made it happen....he just took part as it was on tap and was very weak. Guilty but not manipulative.

Good luck with your future We all deserve happiness.

FWIW honey, I think thats very fair.

I think it would be different if you hadn't known her, but as she was a friend I think that is dignified and kinder that she deserves.

It's what I would send to Ginge should she ever have the bottle to contact me.

Others will probably have a different view, but it is clear your story is similar to mine and I think that letter shows who is the bigger woman.

Well done.

Probably shouldn't send this....it will open wounds even further. Just don't know how to get rid of my anger some days. She knew what she was doing. He was weak and thinking with his **** I guess they are both as bad as each other. Help.

Of course he was thinking with his d!ck, it's what they do.

Anger: my solutions :-

I have a riding crop, I whip the bed, makes a good noise and I can picture Ginge, also gets you hot and sweaty, so a good work out too!

Power walk

clean stuff, very thoroughly

Go up to the moors and yell

write it out and then burn it. Send the ashes into running water.

Do a round up of all the good things in my life.

Offer to muck out at the stables I ride at!

Physical stuff works well for me, gets it all out and no damage done.

Seems you need to learn to let go a bit honey, focus on what you have now.....that new marriage eh??

Thank you. I need to do more exercise and focus on the future. The future could be bright but I am not letting it be that way right now. I have lost 2 good friends and feel lonely. I need to get out there and make new friends.......

Ok AEK1,

I know that it is not recommended to send the letter. But I understand that need to address this person who was presenting herself as your friend while assaulting your marriage behind your back. Who does that and HOW?

Since your letter is in response to a request from OW on the pretense to "help" the kids. I would consider adding something to address that:

Please have the decency to let us rebuild our family and restore the kids sense of security. Any further contact with you is inappropriate and embarrassing to us all including our children.

Good luck AEK1.

No, no, no, no, NO!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, just walking out the door and don't have time to beat around the bush.

First of all, she should have no reply. Zero.

Second of all, if you are driven to reply, do not hand her so much weaponry to use against you, and above all, DO NOT THANK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you choose to disregard Piece of Advice #1 and send something to her, at least send something like this:

I know and also know how hard that is too.

Is there something you did as a child and always enjoyed, for me it was riding and I started doing that weekly, when I look back I can see how much making that one decision changed things.

The year I found out about Plonker and Ginge, I also lost other friends, some linked, others who moved away, lost my fav gay mate as he couldn't cope with my distress and then my dog was killed by a car. It was the worst year ever, I didn't think I would get through it.

I did, I grew and I got tough. I made new and better friends and changed my job too.

Counselling helped me too, it did great things for my self esteem which as you can imagine was rock bottom.

Thinkin of you

Have any of you vets tried nlp? I have booked some counselling to see if it can help.

As a Christian, I avoid NLP and other New Age-based practices.

There are many ways to retrack your thoughts, and keep on a mentally healthy course. Take care of you. Do things that you enjoy. Read good books. Listen to good music.

Whenever your thoughts are negative, make a choice to dwell on positive things.

Interesting. I've never looked much at NLP, but knew a few atheists who condemned it as pseudoscientific. So it sounds like almost every perspective condemns it.

That's very interesting...I never knew that.

I use NLP in my work with people and animals, I am not a Christian and therefore don't make judgements about things without evidence or on a purely dogmatic basis.

Try it, it might be good for you, it might not be but different things work for different people.

I will try it and see. I am committed to trying everything to see what works.

A good long weekend away but feeling triggers as we approach home. I know why. We have to move. I have to cut ties with peole who are still seeing OW.
How do I do this? Do I tell my GF that I can't be friends with her anymore? I tried before and she gave me the impression that she was not prepared to choose. She says she doesn't see much of OW anymore and may be she doesn't but I know they are in contact.... Please tell me what to do. I don't want to loose my GF but it hurts too much to know she is friends with Ow